What will happen next? Will you be able to provide for yourself and your children? What will it be like for them to grow up in single-parent family? Will you be able to arrange your personal life?
You will smile, think for a moment and tell your amazing story about how you survived this difficult time, overcame all the difficulties and managed to build a new happy life after a divorce.
This will sound like a fairy tale. And yet it is possible. It is possible to cope with the emotions raging within you, with material issues and the difficulties of raising children. It is possible to find the strength to say goodbye to the past and build a happy future. And this article will help you with this.
What's happening to you?
Divorce for many is akin to an earthquake or tsunami. The usual life is over and will never be the same again. And women experience this period especially hard.
If you felt strong and confident in your marriage, then after a divorce you feel helpless and look into the future with great anxiety.
Where does this discomfort come from?
The fact is that a woman receives a feeling of security and safety from the man to whom she belongs. For thousands of years we lived according to one scenario - a man protected and fed his woman and children, without a husband it was impossible for a woman to survive.
Fortunately, today a woman can provide for herself and her children male principle– working, realizing oneself among other people. And she understands: “I know how to benefit society and will not be lost.” Nevertheless, she feels most balanced if, in addition to fulfillment in society, she is in a full-fledged paired relationship.
Therefore, divorce is a difficult experience for women. And depending on their mental characteristics, each person experiences this stage of her life in her own way.
Resentment, dwelling, living the past
Divorce is very difficult for people who System-vector psychology Yuri Burlan defines them as owners. Family is the highest value for them. Everything connected with the past is very important - this is how their psyche works. Even married life has turned into a living hell; those with the anal vector of both sexes do not want to get a divorce. They get used to their spouse; divorce is especially painful for them.
Men with the anal vector often think about how to get their wife back after a divorce, pursue their exes, and do not allow them to live in peace. Women act like women, but in the same spirit.
And if the owner of the anal vector has also been cheated on, she perceives this as betrayed, abandoned, traded, and the suffering increases a hundredfold. The woman literally cannot think about anything else, she is focused on her trouble. Divorce, ex-husband, his new passion - this becomes her only field of interests.
In order not to get stuck in this state for years, you need to understand objectively what happened, why your relationship slipped into divorce, why a loved one once did exactly that. See your whole story through his eyes.
“How can you understand this? He’s just a scoundrel and a scoundrel!” - you say, not wanting to understand and forgive anyone.
This understanding and forgiveness will come naturally, without effort or resistance, bringing you great relief when you understand how your ex-husband is different from you, how his psyche works, what his system of values and innate desires is. This understanding can be obtained thanks to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan.
Psychology of Attraction
The fact is that people with different vectors are attracted to marriage. Their psyches are structured differently, which means they see everything differently, want different things and demand different things from each other. Everyone sees everything through themselves, and relationships too. We try to change each other, to convey our opinion to our partner, but this only angers him - after all, he also feels only himself, sees his own picture of the world and demands his own. As a result, we pull the blanket over ourselves, move away from each other, and end up in divorce.
Everything changes when you begin to understand the structure human psyche– features of eight vectors. You will be able to see another person not through yourself, but as if through his eyes. And you will immediately understand why everything turned out this way, why you came to the divorce. You will understand how to fix everything and prevent such developments in the future.
The consequence of this understanding is the disappearance of grievances. The desire to take revenge and fight, to be sarcastic and taunt disappears, and relations with the ex are leveled out. This is very important for both the woman and the children (if they have any) to restore mental comfort, calm and balance after a divorce.
The pain of separation: how to find yourself in life after divorce
Divorce or separation is a small death for a person with a relationship.
Love stories, about which novels are written and films are made, are vivid examples, what kind of love the owners of the visual vector are capable of. For them, love is the meaning of life.
But if a person emotionally focuses on himself, and not on the object of love, then instead love story we'll get a story about .
We think that we love, that “together is impossible, but apart is not possible either.” Divorce causes pain that we often cannot bear. Some couples come together and separate many times, driving each other to nervous exhaustion. – asks a woman, tired of a relationship that has reached a dead end.
The way out of this trap is to understand what is really going on, what is the nature of emotional dependence and how it differs from true love. By ceasing to confuse these two states, you will already feel significant relief and understanding of what is happening.
To live happily after divorce
No matter how difficult it may be to live after a divorce at first, you move on. This means you get a chance to build happy relationship, a chance to find your soul mate - a person with whom you can be happy. Building new relationships without mistakes, based on love and understanding, is an opportunity that becomes a reality with the help of system-vector psychology.
By the way, about future relationships. Often after a divorce, we choose a partner based on differences - the previous husband was greedy, and this one is generous. The former drank, but this one does not drink. Paying attention to the absence of shortcomings that bothered us in a previous marriage, we may not notice other shortcomings, perhaps even more serious. Instead, you should understand yourself and your desires, understand what you really want from a relationship, and consciously choose the person with whom you can actually create a happy couple.
You can let go of the past and understand who you really need, how to find this person, how to recognize him, in free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. .
The article was written based on the training materials “ System-vector psychology»It won't be easy to do this. Between parting and a new life there is an unknown abyss. At one moment, a chaos of emotions is formed in the human soul: hatred, pain, shame, love, anger, fear of the future. When the usual life is destroyed, a person has nothing to cover himself with, it is as if he is naked. Therefore, there is a desire to return everything back - that is, to find shelter, even if it is shaky and uncomfortable.
The situation is aggravated by fears and doubts associated with the outside world: how to live further after separation, how to explain to children why dad is leaving, how to provide for them and yourself, and, finally, how to explain to family and friends the reasons for what happened?
The most difficult case is when a girl gets married too early and does not have time to understand what it means to be responsible for making decisions. Before marriage it was the concern of the parents, after it was the concern of the spouse. Having received freedom, she does not know what to do with it. The situation is changing dramatically, we need to build new life, trample the road on your own. If a girl, while married, did not work anywhere, now she will have to start from scratch. Often panic sets in because of impending poverty.
Having lived long years marriage, many couples feel like one. When parting, a woman defines her state with the phrase: “as if she had lost her hand” or “an empty place has formed in her heart.” Psychologists call this phenomenon fusion. To restore integrity, the weaker half of the couple needs to psychologically separate themselves from their spouse, family, and even child. This process is very painful, because it forces you to reshape your usual ideas about yourself.
Parting - sad event, but there is life after breaking up with my husband. This is worth remembering when going through the circles of hell. During periods of decline in emotions, tell yourself that this is a serious but completely curable disease. It will be a long and difficult recovery, you will experience exacerbations and remissions, but in the end you will be able to recover.
How to survive a divorce from your beloved husband. To survive pain, you need to live it. Psychologists say that any stressful event associated with loss - the departure of a loved one, death, loss of a job - is experienced in almost the same scenarios. There are several stages in how a person experiences loss. The most important task is to go through each of them sequentially. You cannot jump over or get stuck on any part of the path. Just as you shouldn’t set the task of forgetting a person faster and pushing yourself.
How long the experience lasts depends on the individual. Exact dates impossible to predict. Sometimes one of the stages is experienced easily, but the other is too difficult. It also matters how strongly a person succumbs to shocks in ordinary life. If the psyche is hypersensitive, then it will take longer to walk. On average, completing all stages will take about a year and you need to be prepared for this from the beginning.
Psychology identifies several scientifically based concepts of experience. They have a lot general characteristics. Therefore, they can be safely combined into five stages. Let's take a closer look.
From shock to offense
How to live after a divorce from your husband. The first emotion is shock. Do you remember how you felt when severe burn? Nothing at first. Only after a few seconds does it occur strong pain. The same thing happens in this situation. Consciousness first defends itself - it doesn’t believe, it denies. You still live in the familiar illusory world that no longer exists.
The leading emotion at this stage is fear of the inevitability of loss. Psychologists say that during this period it is necessary to find resources that will help overcome it. The unobtrusive and tactful help of loved ones will be very useful here. However, the most the best medicine is self-support, showing self-care.
There are very simple exercises, with the help of which you can find the source of strength within yourself to gradually experience this emotion. When asked: how did you survive the breakup, many women answer that one of the good ways There is a written statement: “My life without a husband.” A forum on the Internet where you can pour out your pain can also be a consolation.
The second, no less painful period is anger and resentment. It comes if at the last step you found the right resources and lived through the shock and denial to the fullest. The essence of the current state of health is trying to change what happened. When a person is angry, he strives for active action. Here the action manifests itself in the search for the culprit. If the breakup occurred due to the betrayal of a spouse, then he, the mistress, and the victim herself will serve as the object. At this stage, there is a danger of getting “stuck,” because experiencing the betrayal of your husband and separation at the same time is too much emotional stress. In addition, our culture is distinguished by the presence of an unspoken ban on anger - nice girls don't get angry.
To move forward, it is important to recognize your anger and learn how to express it correctly. Of course, the point is not to use our fists. While a woman is in a state of passion, it is better not to do anything at all. Wait for the peak to subside, and then begin to free yourself from negativity. You can scream, break glasses, cry, tell yourself about your feelings. Involve your loved ones - mother, friend, tell them about what happened.
Again, use a pen and a piece of paper - describe the negative emotions, what doesn’t suit you, why you’re angry and at whom exactly. Experts advise doing this exercise when people turn to them for help with the question: how can it be easier to survive a breakup with a loved one.
How to cope with a divorce from your loved one: guilt, depression, acceptance
The third stage is called the compromise or guilt stage. A woman desperately searches for mistakes in the hope of correcting them and ending up in her former life. Right now, ladies are taking any methods to bring their spouse home: they humiliate themselves, blame themselves, make promises to improve.
How to calm down after a divorce and not make a mess at this stage? You need to prevent yourself from falling into self-flagellation - learn to separate the concept of responsibility from the concept of guilt. The first concept is acceptance and correction of mistakes, the second is self-punishment. Guilt is a dangerous thing. It can lead a “lost” woman into a religion (sect) or push her under someone else’s, more Negative influence. Watch your actions, control yourself.
- What caused dissatisfaction in your behavior?
- How can I fix the error?
- How to come to terms with a mistake (if it is impossible to correct)?
- Write that you forgive yourself.
- Draw conclusions on how to live on after a divorce from your spouse and avoid mistakes in a new relationship.
Guilt is followed by depression. This is the peak of suffering. Here the awareness of the loss ends, and the need arises to separate oneself emotionally from the former life partner. Depression usually ends with resignation to the fact that we will no longer be together and “letting go” of a loved one.
To save yourself from getting stuck in this period, you need to make a list of the advantages of your ex-marriage. Then you can write a letter of gratitude addressed to your loved one. To give thanks means to slowly let go.
The next phase - acceptance - is characterized by insight. The picture becomes clearer, it becomes clear how to recover after a divorce, where to get resources for personal growth. The understanding comes that life is not over, perhaps it is just beginning. Parting opens up new opportunities for personal development and maturation. All these signs indicate that the experience of grief has ended.
Of course, the wound from the loss will still bleed, but the person already has the strength to turn it into a symbol of victory and be proud of his perseverance and invaluable experience.
A woman who got married early learns to be responsible, make decisions and enjoy it. Appears new Hope, and over time, the need for new love.
However, there is a catch here too - after a painful search for the answer: how to forget your husband after a divorce, the girl feels that she is finally comfortable and sometimes does not want to leave this phase. Staying here forever, she will only wish for love and a new life, but will not move on to the search for happiness in real life.
What not to do
How to start living after a divorce from your loved one? Being in such a situation, a woman does not control her actions and often clutches at any straw just to return to her usual comfort zone. Delving deeper into the topic: how to survive a divorce from your husband, the psychologist’s advice is based on what, first of all, you shouldn’t do, what you need to keep yourself from.
- Don't try to bring back someone who has left. Even if he returns, it will most likely be out of pity or habit. In attempts to win back their spouses, ladies often humiliate themselves, which makes things even worse for themselves. Give up the idea of sharing your pain with him in the hope that he will love you again. There is also no need to return it through manipulation. For example, put pressure on the fact that you are left alone with the child or refer to an imaginary illness. When talking about children, you forget that your child’s psyche is just developing, and it’s dangerous to play with it. And by talking about your illness, you can bring on yourself real problems with health. In your condition it is not difficult.
- Don't rush into a new pool of feelings. Due to the breakup (especially if the reason is a mistress), the wife feels inferior. Sometimes the first priority is the desire to prove to your spouse, as well as to yourself, that you are needed and attractive. As a result, the lady gets carried away by casual relationships, after which she feels dirty and deceived. Or another option - the girl is striving for a new serious relationship. For what? To correct the mistakes that happened in a previous marriage. In reality, it happens differently - a person who has not yet realized and is not yet strengthened drags the old model of relationships into a new life with another person. With it, grievances, unresolved conflicts and other “joys” migrate. According to experts, you can start a serious relationship no earlier than a year after breaking up with your ex.
- Don't suppress negative feelings. Often, after separating from a husband, changes occur to him. He may become more rude and indifferent. And the reason for this is feminine behavior. Former passion, hoping for the return of his beloved, does not allow himself negative emotions in his presence, she tries to be flexible and good. The spouse, without even thinking about returning, begins to use this for his own purposes. Then claims to property, moral bullying, or even refusal to help children financially arise.
- Do not drag your offspring into conflicts. When a woman says: “You have no idea what I went through!”, she often does not know that her child has gone through twice as much. And all because kids tend to blame themselves for the separation of mom and dad. These are the features of their psychology. Besides, when parents separate, they have no time for children's troubles. And this is very wrong. Now the baby needs to feel needed, and not abandoned. And yes, don’t make your child a vest for tears. Thus, you burden him with part of your responsibility, which will burden little man. Do not manipulate or blackmail your spouse with his help. The way parents behave with each other lays the foundation in a small head for an example of future relationships with the opposite sex. Therefore, refrain from insults, from imposing: “don’t do like dad, do like me,” and try to support the baby’s illusion that the father is the strongest and bravest person in the world. This may look a little like reality, but rest assured that when your son or daughter grows up, they will draw their own conclusions.
- Don't live in the past, live in the present. Not knowing how to come to terms with the situation, a woman often returns to the past and either idealizes it or relives the pain. It's too bad if two or three years later you're still revising wedding photos or, on the contrary, you are trying to find a way to take revenge for old grievances. If you cannot forgive, then at least let go of the offense. Forgiveness comes when the pain goes away. Try to live here and now. This is the only way to attract a good future.
Divorce is a very unpleasant period because in the process family life spouses get used to each other, become someone more than just husband and wife. They have joint property, joint children. It happens that after a while one of the spouses wants to change something in their life, and in most cases this leads to divorce, so it is important to learn to live anew and start a new life.
Life is over, or Divorce and maiden name!
For almost any girl, family is the meaning of life. When creating it, the fairer sex dreams that everything will be perfect and the family will survive for many years, and it is for this reason that when a crisis occurs in a relationship and the question of divorce arises, the woman perceives this as the end of everything - family, life, fortunately, but in reality this is not the case.
Life doesn't end with divorce. The main thing is to correctly assess the situation and weigh the pros and cons. There is no need to address the audience of Internet forums with the call “Help save the family!” - this won't help.
Leaving go! What can't you do if you're left without a significant other?
The hardest thing after a divorce is to accept the situation and let it go. Realize that now everything in life will no longer be the same as it was before. Life after divorce is not scary at all. Don’t be afraid of the coming changes; the fear of being alone also needs to be overcome. Under no circumstances should you beat yourself up and regret anything.
If your significant other decides to leave, there is no need to hold her back, refer to the long years of marriage, children, memories, etc. If a person has made such a decision, then it will be impossible to convince him, and there is no point in doing so. It is much easier for some to accept this fact and remain alone than to continue living with their husband, knowing that he wanted to leave, but did not do so only out of pity.
Don't become limp! Problems requiring mobilization of forces and decision-making
If you are left without your soul mate, there is no need to escalate the situation and get into a state of stress, withdraw into yourself and refuse to meet with relatives and friends. This will only make things worse, and those close to you will feel doubly bad. You need to overcome your emotions and make a decision about your future life. There are many points that will help ease the situation and cope with a breakup with a loved one without compromising your health and emotional state.
Comfort in home
- Make repairs.
- Change the interior.
- Change furniture that needs it or simply evokes some memories.
- Bring comfort and beauty.
- Completely immerse yourself in household chores, and time for negative thoughts won't remain. Your head will fill with other things. And this is far from full list all household chores that will help you cope with heartache and let go of the situation.
Taking care of children
After the parents divorce, the children remain with one of them. If at the time of the divorce the children have already reached the age of majority, then they have the right to independently decide with whom they want to stay (see also:). If children are under 18 years old, their parents make decisions for them. mutual consent. If a compromise is not found peacefully, a decision is made in court.
Every mother wonders how to live after divorce with young children. Children after divorce need support much more than parents. This is a serious psychological blow for them. They are used to constantly seeing mom and dad together, spending time together, going for walks and attending entertainment events, but suddenly everything changes in an instant.
It is not easy to explain the reason for such an action to a child, but it will have to be done. During the conversation, you need to carefully select your words, assure the child that everything is fine, and that everything has not changed that much. Under no circumstances should you escalate the situation and convince children that their father is bad, has left and abandoned them.
Children are not responsible for the actions of their parents and, no matter what, they love both. By making your father look bad, you can create negativity towards yourself. If your significant other after a divorce wants to continue communicating with the baby, spend weekends together, invite you to visit, provide assistance, then you should not resist this. You need to overcome your resentment, no matter how strong it may be, and give your child the opportunity to again feel the completeness of the family, even if the mother and father do not communicate with each other.
Financial issue
The main and perhaps most unpleasant financial issue after a divorce there is a division of jointly acquired property. If at the time of marriage there was drawn up marriage contract, then the procedure is carried out in accordance with its provisions. If there is no such document, then the division of property occurs by agreement of both spouses or through the court, if it was not possible to resolve the issue peacefully. There are situations when a man voluntarily gives up all his property in favor of his ex-wife and children. In this case, all problems immediately disappear.
The financial issue after a breakup becomes especially acute due to the fact that previously both spouses were responsible for the family’s income, but now this responsibility falls on the shoulders of one of them. Now only he is responsible for the personal provision and well-being of his children. In such situations, significant financial assistance are alimony that a father pays to his child or several children until they reach adulthood.
Abandoned? No, free!
After a breakup, many women believe that they were betrayed and abandoned, but if you look at the situation from the other side and adequately assess it, you can come to a different conclusion. There is more time for hobbies, decisions are made individually without the permission of the other half.
You don’t have to ask your spouse to go anywhere. No one expresses their complaints and dissatisfaction, no extra nerves are wasted trying to sort things out. Thus, we can say that you are not abandoned. You are free and have every chance to establish a new personal life.
Love yourself and give yourself a break
Focusing on the problem of lost relationships, women begin to blame themselves for everything and ask questions such as: “What do I want?”, “How to survive a divorce?”, “How to move on?”, “Can I calm myself down?”, “ How long will my depression last?”, “I hate myself,” and so on. The desire to take care of yourself disappears, it is unpleasant to look at yourself in the mirror, because just the sight of yourself evokes pity and disgust.
Such behavior will undoubtedly lead to deep depression and subsequently to serious problems with health. To prevent this from happening, you need to love yourself and understand that you are the best, and everything will be fine with you.
Communicate more with optimistic friends
Friends always come to the rescue difficult situation. Optimistic friends help you get out of stressful situation, Giving good advice, which calm and allow you to gain confidence.
Pessimistic friends, on the contrary, escalate the situation even more, repeating that everything is bad, and this was your last chance, which you missed and are now doomed to loneliness. During a period of nervous disorder, it is better to limit or temporarily stop communicating with such friends.
Go on a trip
A change of environment is another way to put your thoughts in order and recharge with positive emotions. Surely, you had a dream to visit some attraction, relax at sea or just see the world. Don't deny yourself this. Take advantage of the situation and go on a trip, and you will return from it as a completely different person.
Give free time, energy and money to your favorite hobby
Divorce frees up a lot of time. To avoid filling it with unnecessary thoughts and memories, immerse yourself in creativity. Do something that is close to your spirit - music, dancing, painting, embroidery. If you don’t have a hobby or favorite hobby, it’s time to find one and occupy all your temporary voids with it.
If depression hits
Psychology experts know many examples of recovery from complex depressive states. Based personal experience representatives of the fairer sex, we can conclude that when the right approach You don’t need to spend several years getting out of depression. In most cases, complete rehabilitation will occur within a year and a half, in some cases much earlier.
Many people believe that depression is incurable. The main thing is to set yourself up correctly. If you yourself do not make a decision to improve your internal state, no one will help you with this.
The best way out of a nervous state is to occupy yourself with a lot of pleasant things that will allow you to forget and feel happy. Chatting with cheerful friends and attending entertainment events will also help cope with the condition, but only if you want it yourself.
Life is just beginning!
Every woman wants to establish a new personal life after a divorce. Having endured all the hardships of parting, loving oneself, coping with oppression and realizing that all changes are for the better, a new, free life begins, independent of anyone. You are your own boss and do as you see fit. You have every chance to start life with clean slate and build new relationships - the kind you want, taking into account past mistakes. You should start looking at the future in a new way, but to do this you need to stop being afraid of change and gain self-confidence.
Divorce. Is this all? It’s as if there were no years lived together, no feelings, no happy moments. What will happen to the children, to me, how to divide jointly acquired property? Or should he take what he wants? What will the neighbors say, because everyone thought that we happy couple, and now “divorcee”? Who needs me now?
Questions, questions, questions... And among them the most important one: will there be a new life after a divorce or will I forever remain alone, raising children, deprived of the right to happiness? You can understand the nuances of life after a divorce with the help of the knowledge provided by the training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan.
After a divorce, a woman is in any case the injured party, even if she herself was the initiator. After all, the girl receives protection, care, a sense of security first in the family, and then the husband takes on this responsibility, taking her from home. Not all men, having decided to divorce, continue to provide financial support ex-wife with baby. Therefore, after a divorce, she loses her sense of security and safety - often it falls on her not only to take care of children, but also to find a means of livelihood, sometimes even housing, and at the same time a whole host of fears and doubts arise.
Is everything as bad as it seems?
It's hard to carry and it's a shame to leave
The main reason for the breakdown of relationships is misunderstanding, which leads to mutual insults, reproaches, and irritation. The first emotions of love, attraction, the desire to be together are long gone, but the years lived together, living together, children, and the environment firmly bind, preventing you from giving up everything painlessly at one moment, without thinking about the consequences. All present life is closely connected with this person.
And a dilemma arises: whether to stay and continue to drag out a joyless existence with a person who no longer evokes a feeling of happiness, but rather, on the contrary, constantly brings to tears, hysterics, scandals. It's good if he doesn't hit or insult. Or get a divorce, left alone with a child, without work, without a livelihood, without housing. How will your family, friends, and loved ones perceive it, what should you tell them?
If the person with whom you have a relationship is dear to you, and you understand that everything can still be improved, it is better to save the family. To do this, you need to learn to understand the mental characteristics of your spouse, his desires, and actions. Why did he act this way in this situation and why did this irritate him the most? The training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan will help you figure this out.
But if you are sure that the best option- divorce, then get divorced. Living after a divorce from your husband has its advantages.
A woman's life after divorce
Do not believe the advice of a psychologist who will say that happiness will come immediately. In reality, living after a divorce from your husband will have to be read, as they say, from scratch. AND general state won't be the best. System-vector psychology explains that the hardest thing to experience when breaking up a relationship is a woman with special properties psyche - the owner of the anal and visual vectors.
For a woman with an anal vector, it is very difficult to survive the loss of her family, because for her this is the main value in life. It's a shame and pain for the children who are left without a father. And this resentment can further slow down all life processes, up to the impossibility of creating new happy relationships. It’s also hard to part with the past, in which there were happy moments that are as dear as memories.
These conditions will be aggravated by emotions that are filled through the visual vector. The owner of the anal-visual ligament vectors after a divorce may have severe emotional states due to a breakup emotional connection: melancholy, apathy.
For women with a visual vector to build emotional relationships with people is the meaning of life. And here is a break with your loved one. It is especially difficult if the relationship was not love, but emotional dependence. Then the visual vector falls into a state of fear that arose as a result of the breakup: fear of being left alone, fear for the children, for the future, fear that she will not be able to provide for the child herself, and many others.
How to start a new life after a divorce, if you are in such a state, how to learn to live without a husband? This is real, and the results of many women prove it.
"…I LIVE! My condition has completely returned to normal. Tears? I don't pay anymore and I don't pay anyone for this anymore! I understood the situation that had developed, I understood all the features of my psyche and my ex-husband. I understood and realized those moments that led to conflicts and led to separation.
Former spouse? I sincerely respect and appreciate him, I understand his behavior, values and desires. Now we communicate with him as two adequate adults, without offense, claims, or bias. Moreover, I learned to see the mental characteristics of the people who are around me, I understand children perfectly and what they need, I can find mutual language with any person..."
The first steps to a happy life after a divorce from your husband
To find balance after divorce, you need to start small:
- Stop feeling sorry for yourself, deal with grievances and shame in front of strangers. To do this, it is necessary to understand the peculiarities of the psyche of people with an anal vector.
- Plan your time and care for children so that you have time for yourself. Start doing what you like: sing, draw, get creative. This will help you get out of the state of fear in the visual vector. A woman’s life after divorce is an opportunity to fulfill those desires that could not be realized due to marriage: to learn foreign language, go on a trip, and finally buy shoes with a bow that annoyed my husband so much.
- You can start a renovation or rearrangement if your husband turned out to be a gentleman and left the apartment to you and the child. And immediately get rid of things that painfully remind you of your ex. This is difficult for a woman with an anal vector to do, since living in the past is one of the features of her psyche, but it is necessary.
- Change your social circle. Start communicating with people you ended relationships with after marriage. If you are not working, start looking for a job. During the search process, be sure to meet new interesting people. These actions will help you avoid the advice of “sympathetic and pitying” relatives and friends, who only further traumatize by reminding you of what happened. If you are ready emotionally, agree to a friendly meeting with a man who likes you, but, being married, constantly refused.
- To talk about your problem not to your friend and mother, who may not support the decision you made, but to talk with people who have been in similar situations, register on the appropriate forum. Support women who find themselves in more difficult situations. This will help your visual vector to switch from yourself to others for a while, and not become isolated. You will notice how worrying about others literally erases fears and worries about your future from your thoughts.
Life after is a reality, not a myth
Advice, of course, will help to temporarily cope with the current situation, but it is necessary not to heal mental wounds, but to eradicate their source. To do this, you need to understand not only your mental characteristics, but also the characteristics of your ex-husband. Then you will be able to cope with grievances, forgive him and remain friends. This will make it possible not to traumatize the child and resolve the issue of child support without litigation.
You need to learn to understand not only yourself, your desires, but also the people around you. This will change your inner state, the desire to live and rejoice will appear. Life will be filled with new pleasant events and acquaintances that will make you happy.
You can gain the skill of understanding yourself and the mental characteristics of other people in the free online training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan.
It is in your power not only to figure out how to survive a divorce and build a new happy relationship, but also what to do if your relationship with your loved one has reached a dead end. You will know what kind of man you need, and not expect the impossible from men who simply do not understand you.
Editor Yanina Burakova
The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”
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The question of how to live after a divorce arises for most people who experience a breakup, because this event radically changes life.
You are free again, but at the same time you are somewhat confused.
How to cope with stress during divorce? you will find on our website.
Psychology of a divorced woman
Family destruction - an ordeal for both sexes. Women, as a rule, experience this very painfully, especially if they were very attached to their husband.
I miss for him
In both cases, working with a psychologist is recommended. Emotional addiction from another person becomes a cause of constant stress, inability to harmoniously build own life. You depend not on yourself, but on your ex-husband, no matter what emotions you experience.
Psychology of a divorced man
Men experience divorce too, but in a slightly different way. They less emotional, more practical. In many ways, the strength of the experience depends on the cause of the breakup and who is considered to blame.
Behavior
How do men behave after a divorce? A man after a divorce can take completely different actions, depends on the relationship with your ex-wife, its goals:
- tries to see his children if they are important to him;
- on the contrary, it limits communication and disappears. This may be due to shame, anger, resentment towards the ex-wife;
- goes into all sorts of troubles, looking for fleeting connections on the side;
- goes to live with his mistress, who appeared during the period of their marriage;
- Decides to take some time alone to get away from the stress of the divorce.
How does he feel?
Feelings and sensations depend on the character of a particular person and the reasons for the divorce. Any person experiences, and divorce is also stressful for a man. He may feel guilty, angry, resentful. If the relationship was difficult, then a feeling of liberation comes.
At the same time, even after breaking up, it is difficult for a man to give up his sense of ownership, so he may also be jealous of his ex-wife and his new partner.
At first he may think, but Should I bring my wife back? This is a normal reaction and one of the stages of separation. But after some time, awareness and adaptation to the current state sets in.
Do you have any regrets?
It is difficult to answer this unequivocally; it all depends on the reasons why the breakup occurred.
If a couple divorced because the man cheated, then it is likely that he will regret his action and that he couldn't save his family.
The wife is the closest person, she becomes part of the usual life, and it is not a fact that the new partner will be better. Many men, even after several months, try to return to their family, to their familiar surroundings, to their wife and children.
However, if the reason for the divorce was female infidelity, That it is unlikely that a man will regret that he broke up with her. Rather, he will try to break all ties.
What is 17th month syndrome?
Most men take a breakup relatively easily. They are not depressed, they maintain emotional stability and enjoy life, quickly find a replacement spouse.
However, after about six months, disappointment sets in, depression and confusion set in. The holiday I wanted didn’t happen.
The old wife seems better than the new one and the man realizes that he made a mistake in his choice. This period psychologists and called 17 month post-divorce syndrome.
Features of the first year
In the first 12 months you getting used to a new way of life.
No longer with you loved one with whom you shared a bed, went on vacation, discussed problems, shared joy.
Any person experiences divorce as extreme stress, regardless of the reasons that led to it.
First comes denial. This is the stage when you think that this is impossible, it is unrealistic, how could this situation happen. Then comes the bargaining stage - suddenly everything can be returned.
Then the person can fall into a depressed state When nothing pleases you, it seems that life is over.
But depression gradually goes away, and awareness and addiction begins. You let another person go from your life, you understand that there is no turning back, you must continue to live alone.
Some people immediately rush into a new relationship. Sometimes they help, but more often than not it's a mistake. For the next union to become successful and harmonious, it is necessary first of all realize what you did wrong in previous relationships.
How difficult is divorce after 20, 30, 40 and 50 years of marriage?
Divorce is more difficult in adulthood. You have become attached to your partner you know all his habits, advantages and disadvantages. If even at forty you can still enter into a new relationship, then after 50 it is more difficult to do this, and few people decide to create a new partnership.
During the period, divorces happen most often, and in this case, the most common reason is a man who suddenly realizes that old life no longer suits him.
He takes a young mistress and leaves the family. This hits his wife hard, because her youth is gone, and Finding a new man is more difficult than at 30 years old.
However, sometimes divorce after 20, 30 years of marriage becomes a solution when people are finally free from each other. The children have grown up, moved away, the husband and wife are left alone, and suddenly they realize that in fact there is nothing keeping them close.
Divorce after 40 or 50 years is fraught with the fact that the person is left alone. After getting used to living together, this becomes a real challenge.
How not to go crazy and pull yourself together?
Emotions run high, you are constantly nervous, crying, worried, perhaps even trying to call ex-spouse or seek a meeting with him.
All this brings discord to nervous system, provokes the development of somatic diseases and exacerbation of chronic ones. Therefore, you need to pull yourself together and calm down. But how to do that?
How to come to your senses and recover?
Rules for recovery after divorce:
- Take care of yourself. When experiencing a stressful situation, people often forget about themselves. Go to the hairdresser and buy new clothes, go on a trip.
- Move in. Why not? New place of residence - new acquaintances, work, emotions. There is nothing here that reminds you of your spouse, there are no people who are trying to wonder why this happened and who is to blame.
- . Learn to think about yourself. If you are worried that your spouse is no longer around, it means that he has become the center of the world for you. However, your spouse most likely doesn’t even remember you.
So you take care of yourself, increase your self-esteem, find a life goal.
- All is not lost, life does not stop. During the period when you are experiencing stress after a divorce, it seems that nothing good will happen anymore. In fact, this is not true. You need time to come to your senses and adapt to new living conditions.
- Be responsible for your life. You build your own happiness, and no one will do it for you. So start taking charge of your life and don’t think that happiness depends on someone else.
How to start from scratch?
Is there life after divorce? Don't rush into a new relationship right away.
It often happens that you come across interesting person, and you a new romance begins very quickly.
You try to forget yourself in this relationship, but you fall into the same mistake. Without working through the problems of the past, without completely letting go of the old relationship internally, you end up with the same thing. Give yourself time to rest and rethink.
New life is completely released old. Nothing should stop you from developing. Process your emotions towards your ex-spouse. Ideally, you should remember it calmly, with a feeling of gratitude for the past years, or at least with indifference.
How to overcome loneliness?
Loneliness is a period when you can finally take care of yourself and get to know your desires better. Now you are free and free to do what you want.
You don’t have to cook dinner if you don’t want to, do laundry, and you can even clean up when it’s convenient for you. Now you meet with any people, come home late and no one makes scandals, demanding explanations.
There is no need to fight loneliness, but simply accept it as a temporary phenomenon. If you want to communicate, you have friends, relatives, make new acquaintances.
Realize that you are now living separately. The husband chose this path and it is his decision which must be respected. If you love a person, then give him freedom. Letting go means achieving harmony within yourself. Now he’s not with you, so that’s how it should be.
Learn to live without him
First of all you need to learn independence.
Many women are afraid of loneliness because they are not able to take responsibility for their lives and children and rely on a man for everything.
Strong woman knows how to live independently, decide domestic issues, raise children, earn money.
Don't date
How to communicate with ex-husband after divorce? If you do not have children together, and property is divided, then communicate with your ex-husband there is no need.
At first, it is better to avoid any meetings altogether, since each meeting brings new emotions and experiences.
You can start communicating after a time when you no longer have mutual feelings, and you calmly experience each other's presence.
Try to forget
It takes time to forget a person. You can't force yourself to do it. You will have to get used to the fact that your spouse is no longer around. If you constantly have thoughts about him, keep yourself busy intellectual activity.
How to forget:
- find something to do so that there is no free time left;
- allow yourself meet other people, but not for the sake of Serious relationships, but for light flirting, to feel like a woman interesting to other men;
- remove all memories of him: photos, videos, pages on social networks, phone number, ask family and friends not to mention your ex-spouse.
Find a companion
How to find a man after divorce? At first, you don’t necessarily need to strive to find someone, give yourself time relax, adapt and get rid of stress.
Give yourself permission to be happy. If they get to know you, make contact. It is not at all necessary that the acquaintance will continue, but you must develop confidence and a sense of female attractiveness.
Get married
How to get married after divorce? You have a man and he proposes marriage.
It is likely that you have there may be doubts. You are afraid of repeating an unsuccessful marriage.
If you're not sure, find out where you're getting this from. uncertainty. What are you afraid of? Talk to your new man about your doubts. But this should not be in the form of a complaint, ask for advice.
No one guarantees that there will be no mistakes, but you can build your own happiness on your own. Having assessed the mistakes of the past, your behavior in your previous marriage, you now know what not to do.
Learn how to organize your life
How to live alone after divorcing your wife? For men I don't really like independence, you have to cook your own food and do the cleaning, so many people strive to find a new girl as quickly as possible.
And here lies the mistake - if you rush into making a choice, the union may again turn out to be unsuccessful.
How to live:
- learn to cook;
- enjoy freedom and relaxation alone;
- engage in work and self-development;
- try to look back at your life and sort out your priority goals.
Improve your personal life
After a divorce, can’t improve your personal life?
If you definitely want to start a new relationship as quickly as possible, then you can start communicating with the first girl you meet. As a result, new disappointment.
Approach relationships thoughtfully. Don’t immediately demand a serious relationship, get to know your partner better.
If your marriage broke up due to betrayal, then there is still mistrust To opposite sex. However, failures in the past do not mean that the new union will be the same.
Just let go of the situation, enjoy life, and new relationships will definitely appear.
Divorce - this is not the end of life, but just big changes. Look at it from the other side, new opportunities are opening up for you.
Is it worth “staying friends” after a divorce and in what cases? Find out the opinion of a psychologist: