Love never ends (how to survive death loved one?)

My wife died three and a half years ago. Having recovered a little after the first shock, I began to ask people who had experienced a similar grief, when would this terrible state pass, what am I experiencing now? Some said in a year, others in two years. Time passed, and I kept expecting this to be the case. But after a year there was no improvement, almost nothing changed even after two years. And although the acute phase with sudden emotional influxes has passed, the feeling that you are not at ease has not disappeared. I still looked at the world as if through a haze, everything that was happening around me seemed unreal, and making any plans for life seemed absurd to me. I had the feeling that I had been absent somewhere for a long time and appeared in hometown when big changes happened there. In appearance everything was the same, but it was different and it was not clear what I was doing here. I felt that my life had stopped and lost all meaning. Paradoxically, I didn’t want to get out of this state at all. I could neither come to terms with the loss nor let go of the image of the person I loved endlessly. One of the psychologists once told me that the memory of my spouse would later become “light sadness,” but it seems that this forecast is not for everyone. Well, what a bright sadness when half of your heart is cut out? It took me three years before I was finally able to find the strength to overcome my personal tragedy. I will try to openly tell you how I got out - with the sole purpose that my experience will be useful to someone. And it will complement what has already been written on this topic.

Dream
K. and I lived together for 15 years. It was a time of absolute happiness. And sometimes I ask myself, why did God give me this love? What did I do to deserve it? K. revealed to me how beautiful and pure the relationship between a man and a woman can be, and what a bright, indescribable feeling around which life on earth revolves can be. A year and a half before her death, I dreamed of K. when I was on another business trip (due to my profession, I had to travel a lot around the country). “In two years I will die,” she said then in a dream. I already knew that she had cancer, but she had surgery and, as the doctors said, on time, and suddenly such a turn. I began to argue with her in a dream, to prove something, and she silently looked at me and finally said, “in two, maybe in three.” I was as happy as a child, as if this had fundamentally changed something. As a psychiatrist later explained to me, a very wise man by the way, and who later helped me a lot, this dream could have been caused by my internal fears and worries, since according to statistics, cancer patients usually live after surgery for 5 years, rarely 7 years, well , and those who are unlucky with immunity - even less.
You can argue with this, but the fact remains a fact.

When I returned home, I didn't say anything to her. And I didn’t even tell anyone about it until her death. I don't believe in dreams. Her tests were excellent, she passed everything necessary examinations, felt great. But in my head, against my will, the countdown started. How to convey this state when you have to live with the sword of Damocles over your head? You begin to appreciate every moment of life next to your loved one, forgive him everything, drive away all unkind thoughts from yourself, you cherish every moment of your communication and pray all the time, no matter where you are. And you believe, and you love, and you ask, ask, ask, and hope that now something will change and the harsh sentence will be canceled. And even at the very last moment, when everything around is already clear to everyone, you cannot agree with this loss, you kneel next to the bed and kiss her hands. And you ask for forgiveness, blaming yourself for everything that happened and didn’t happen. Until the thought flashes through your head: “Let her go, you are causing her suffering.” What was the mercy of God if K. died anyway? In this dream. If I hadn't been prepared for this, I would have gone crazy. I've never loved anyone so much.

Feelings of grief
With the departure of your loved one, Eternity opens before you. You cannot come to terms with the idea that he is no longer there (and your feelings do not deceive you). But everyone around you talks about him in the past tense, it’s incomprehensible to you and it seems that those around you have problems in their heads. Suddenly it becomes very obvious that you have a key to another universe, not the one in which you live and have lived until now. And the one in which your loved one now lives. But only you have this key. And you cannot convey it to others, you cannot convey in words what you feel and what seems absurd to others. Sometimes it seems to you that the only way to be close to your loved one is to leave after him. I dare to assure you that this is not so. “If God left me on this earth, then I still have some things to do here, that means new meetings, new discoveries and some other, new life awaits me, which is still hidden from me by the veil of my suffering,” - so I I tried to explain everything to myself and this gave me some strength to start a new day, although I wanted to curl up into a ball and hide in the farthest corner.

It was very difficult for me to understand that my life would never be the same again. Not because a loved one has passed away and the way of life will certainly become different. But because I will never be the same as I was a week, a month, a year ago. I understand now that this was the most difficult thing for me - to come to terms with the idea that she is not there, while in all its completeness and obviousness I feel her invisible presence next to me. For about a year, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I, too, was no longer there. And only my shell walks on the earth, a wound-up doll in which there has been no life, no soul for a long time. And which will be found somewhere in a ditch when the plant runs out.

What is happening to me - I asked myself. But there was no answer. In this state, you do not see yourself from the outside, being in half-oblivion or in some kind of deep mental numbness. But it is clearly visible to others. Here is a typical example. One of my friends' husbands died. She has three children. She fell into a stupor. Time passed, her condition did not change. One day her youngest son, who was six years old, asked her: “Mom, show me this man.” “Which person should I show you? Do you want us to go outside and I’ll show you all the people at once?” “No,” answered the child. “You’ll die soon, and I’ll go up to him and say, hello, my name is Vadik, can I live with you?” From that moment on, she realized that she needed to pull herself together and somehow get out.

K.'s death was not the first death in my life. I have lost family and friends before. But I first felt this kind of experience precisely with the passing of K. I tried to read religious literature, but could not find consolation in it. The only book that has helped me is Lewis's The Dissolution of Marriage (and although it is a little different, it gives some new understanding of life and death). But at the same time, at this time, no book can replace human communication, but not formal one. And of course, prayer for you and your own. And nothing can replace the Divine Liturgy. Along with a state of deep depression, for the first two months I experienced a state of amazing euphoria or ecstasy. I did not take any tranquilizers and without drinking alcohol, this state came on its own, and always unexpectedly. It felt like you were at the pinnacle of bliss. The terrible melancholy was suddenly replaced by this insane joy, for which there was absolutely no reason. But having reached its highest point, the joy gradually subsided and I again felt how bottomless my grief was and how empty my soul was.

1. Absent-mindedness. In the first days I lost the ability to distinguish the difference between banknotes. Three thousand and 10 thousand rubles meant about the same amount to me. And when, much later, I saw the figure that I had to pay for the funeral, I was shocked.

2. It was very difficult for me to force myself to say the words “she died.” It was impossible for me to change my clothes wedding ring from the left ring finger to the right. But when I finally did it (3 months later, at the insistence of the doctor), it became much easier for me.

3. I have developed an absolute aversion to lying. I suddenly began to feel so acutely when another person was lying that it became unbearable. For the same reason, it became impossible to watch TV or communicate with those people whom I had previously tolerated.

4. I was tormented by bewilderment why my misfortune did not concern others, even close people. It seemed to me that they were indifferent. When the troubles with the funeral were over, I suddenly found myself completely alone “in an open field.” I had the feeling that everyone was shying away from me like I was a leper. Although this was not the case.

I didn't understand why no one had it warmth, to somehow support or at least listen to me. And I almost physically suffered from it. The phone suddenly went completely silent. But you can't blame others for this. No one teaches or prepares us to help each other in such a state. In my case, one friend with whom we regularly communicated, upon learning about K.’s death, simply disappeared from my life for about six months. I didn’t react to it at the time, but now I understand that it was the best thing he could have done for me then. People did not know how they could help; figuratively speaking, it turned out to be beyond their competence. And I am grateful to them at least for the fact that they were not hypocrites.

In fact best help- just take a person by the hand and say - “tell me about her (him). Tell me what she was like, what she loved, what you remember most from your life, how she fought to the end, why you didn’t give up, didn’t let your nose go?” This sincere, confessional-like story would bring extraordinary relief to my soul. But on the other hand, this help should not be intrusive. I don’t know how to find this border.

5. My life was divided into two parts: day and night. At night, depression passed into an acute phase. At work, I still somehow held on (by the way, my productivity dropped by half), but as soon as I came home and fell out of the usual routine of life, I literally began to crawl along the wall, not knowing what to do with my rebellious soul. A few years before, one man told me that his friend’s wife had died and for two months he had been drinking and crying all the time. The widower was 42 years old. I remember I was surprised that he was killing himself like that, because his whole life was ahead of him. But now I understand it. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep. And then I began to read the psalter. This was an urgent need of the soul. One or two kathismas in the middle of the night calmed me down and I fell asleep again.

At first, as soon as I closed my eyes, a dark corridor appeared in front of me, along which I had to walk. At the end of the corridor I saw a white door with a gilded handle in monograms. I walked along this corridor, and on its walls, like cartoons, the events of the day flashed. And I couldn’t stop all this with a simple effort of will. Each time I came closer to this door, but what was most annoying was that it was locked and I felt it. When I told this to a psychologist at the clinic, she prescribed me some antidepressants and the door and corridor disappeared, to my relief.

6. The need for provocation.
You gradually begin to understand that you live by inertia, like an automaton. That your feelings are plastic, your words are false, your actions are provocative. You feel that your life has changed. That real life is where your loved one has gone. And that she is in the past. You seem to live with everything that you had before her death. But here, in the present, there is only cinema. The future seems like a complete black hole to you.
You begin to unconsciously provoke other people with the hope that you will be insulted, that they will lash out at you, that nervous stress will occur. It seems to me now that in this way the psyche is unconsciously looking for evidence that you are still alive.
Thus, I had a conflict with my boss and as a result I lost my job. Now I am sure that this was a provocation on my part, and under other circumstances I would not have allowed it.

7. Diseases.
In three days after the death of my beloved, I lost five kilograms. You need to be prepared for the fact that all your long-standing illnesses will worsen due to the stress you have experienced. Some may “explode” even after six months. I don’t know where my strength came from these days, because I ate almost nothing and didn’t sleep. Six months later, a real disaster happened to me - terrible pain in the spine, as a result of which I found myself bedridden for two months. This did not add optimism, especially if we add to this the loss of my job.
I didn’t know if I would ever be able to get out of bed, walk and run like before, take care of myself, and work. I experienced absolutely insane pain at the slightest movement, and cried from powerlessness like a child. As a result, I found myself in a completely pitiful state: lonely, sick, deeply depressed and without a job. A 45-year-old man who until recently was sailing through this life under full sail and making some plans.

Exit option

Prayer
I don't know if I could go back to normal life and find joy in your soul again if you were an unbeliever. I worked in an Orthodox organization and my colleagues prayed for me. I felt it very well. It was real, irreplaceable support.
The monastery provided me with absolutely invaluable help in restoring balance in my soul, where I began to come every time for several days. This prayerful mood, a completely different spiritual atmosphere, simply being among people who decided to devote their lives to God, long services had an irreparable impact on my spiritual wound.
The abbot of the monastery - a fairly wise man - answered my question this way when I asked why God took K., but at the same time left me? “Because she is ready. But you haven’t yet.” I said that I constantly feel emptiness in my soul and next to me and I can’t do anything about it. “This emptiness will gradually heal by itself, it just takes time,” he answered.

Diary
My personal diary helped me a lot. Every day I wrote down my experiences and this helped me not only to speak openly about everything that tormented me, but also, looking back, to comprehend what was happening to me. You mentally talk with a person close to you and it seems to you that he hears you, and that you are no longer alone with your grief. On the other hand, when after a while you re-read these entries, it brings peace to your soul.

Music
I discovered that music can not only soothe the soul, but also serve as a kind of test for the phase of grief you are experiencing. For me, such a test was the famous hit “Hotel California”. At first, as soon as I turned on this song, tears flowed from my eyes in streams against my will. When it stopped, I realized that the acute phase had passed. Most of all, Oleg Mityaev’s songs had a calming effect on me. Maybe because they have, it seems to me, some kind of repentant note.

Now that everything is behind me, I understand that these three years were probably the most difficult period throughout my life, although I have had quite a lot. But by the grace of God I did not despair, I did not get drunk and did not go crazy, I found new job and managed to return to a full life. Love now lives in my heart, and in my soul there is a feeling inner freedom and joy. New horizons of life have opened up for me; many of life’s problems and fears, which once worried me so much, have ceased to exist and seem ridiculous. I regained the fullness of life, only now I learned to appreciate every moment of it, every moment of communication with other people, every moment of happiness.

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Having lost a loved one, a man may become disillusioned with life, stop noticing other women and generally withdraw into himself. Some even start drinking and smoking, losing themselves to society.

Even after such a serious grief as the death of your wife, try to be yourself, understand that alcoholism will not solve the problem and loved one will not return. Communicate more with different people. Someone will simply listen, and someone will give practical advice on how to survive the death of his wife.

The world has turned upside down, everything loses its meaning. In the first weeks after her husband's death, Agnieszka Zablocka Piaseczno listened to the intercom every day. It seemed to her that this was just a nightmare from which she would soon wake up and that her husband would return from work as usual. For three months she counted on the miracle of resurrection. In the morning she was tired, as if after a hard day at work. Then she felt only sadness and anger: to him that he left her alone with the children, to fate, to God, to others that they were happy. She felt helpless in the smallest matters.

She returned to work, but nothing had changed. She was still tired, weak, and getting sick every week. She went on vacation and felt even worse because she was afraid for her job, for her future and for her children. She sought help from different specialists, but after a series of tests, everyone told her the same thing: the reason lies in the head. So she turned to a psychiatrist, and from there to a psychologist. Over the next three years, she built her world from scratch, without her husband.

Do what you have to do

So as not to regret later that you were unable to honorably see off a loved one on their last journey, approach the organization of funerals and memorials with all seriousness and responsibility, even though you feel very, very bad right now. You must honor the memory of your departed wife, so everything must be organized perfectly.

Even if you look at everything through the lens of faith. When my husband and I returned to an empty house, we thought of one thing: jump out of the window and return with Kasha as soon as possible. Grief cannot be avoided, shortened, killed with work, desensitized with drugs. You have to experience it from start to finish. It hurts a lot, but there is no other way. At first there is shock, denial, guilt. Then there is opposition and regret and sometimes anger. Sadness is mixed with fear, even panic attacks. It's hard to mobilize something.

Therefore, he is very close to depression. After a few months, sometimes after a few years, reconciliation occurs with the loss, with other relatives, with a new situation. After a long break, you return to life. Even if the husband dies of cancer, the wife feels guilty: she quickly did not notice that she could immediately turn to another specialist. The feeling of guilt increases, the more dramatic the circumstances of death. And yet we are not the Lord God, and we have limited influence on another person, we cannot predict everything, says Dr. Wanda Badura-Madej, a psychologist at the Krakow Crisis Intervention Center who helps people in particularly traumatic mourning.

Your main support is friends and family

Your family will support you at home, reassure you, and your friends will help you dispel bad thoughts and feel a taste for life again. If some time after the funeral you realize that the past will not let you go, do something with friends or family. There are many options: a picnic with the whole family, a hike in nature with a night bonfire and songs with a guitar, an excursion to the historical museum, a trip to ski resort And so on.

For almost two years, while her husband was dying of lung cancer, Hanna Raszynska from Warsaw hoped that the disease would change. I received help from Marian Priests Hospice, who previously cared for my husband. The youngest daughter, who was very close to her father even after his death, became self-sufficient and was also under the care of a psychologist.

Andrzej Dziedziul from the Marian Hospice, although the husband was under the care of the hospice for only ten days. The priest brought toys for the children, he asked how he could help me, what I needed, says 30-year-old Kinga from Warsaw. When my husband died of pancreatic cancer three years ago, Victoria was one year old, Eric three years old and Oscar eight.

Redo all unfulfilled tasks and fulfill unfulfilled dreams

This refers to joint affairs that you we once planned together, as well as the dreams that never got around to doing it due to the loss of your fighting friend. This, of course, will not bring your loved one back, but it will definitely help you survive the death of your loved one. You will be able to painlessly part with the past, realizing that there is nothing unresolved left of yours..

She was alone with the children, she didn’t work, she had nothing to live with. Usually people avoid the topic of death. In the hospice group there are people like me who understood and listened to me. We celebrate holidays with our children. Psychologists are always with us, this is also important for children. My eldest son, who experienced the death of his father, thanks to such trips, conversations with other children in a similar situation, slowly came to terms with the loss.

The hospice people also helped me find a job. A cheerleader understands and accepts different emotions because they experience them. “Cool, don’t worry”, “you’re still young, you’re giving birth to five children”, “he drank, now you have peace”, “you’ve put your life together”, “don’t cry anymore” - this is the worst thing you hear in mourning. It is impossible to console or rationally explain death, to give it meaning.

Let go of the past

When you realize that you are ready to start living normally after the death of your wife, come to the cemetery, put flowers on the grave, put it in order, clearing it of leaves and dirt. If you are a believer, pray, ask the Lord to look after your loved one in heaven. Say goodbye to your wife, promising that you will visit her, and start a new life - make new acquaintances, trying to improve your personal life, but do not forget about friends and family.

That's why it's worth taking the help of a professional who knows that by talking, the mourner gets used to the reality of death. Mourning is usually associated with blackness, loneliness and perhaps the silence of a cemetery. This is the period when we feel less joy, most often we remember a person who left and clearly felt its lack. For some, it's just on the outside - emphasizing your importance with an ostentatious flirtation with a black outfit. Others equate the external expression of grief with the internal experience of losing a loved one.

And find yourself new love you can on Teamo.ru. After all, this site is intended for serious dating. Its main purpose is to connect the hearts of people, and not just introduce them to each other. And if you still feel that you are not ready to arrange your personal life, do not arrange it. But only don't delay with this, otherwise you might spend the rest of your life alone.

Do all people who have faced loss struggle with emotional problems? What happens if we feel ashamed of how we feel, will we act “tough” at all costs? Death is an integral part of our life. However, most of the time we try not to think about its inevitability. As children, we don't allow ourselves or our loved ones to be absent. As adults, we try not to overwhelm ourselves with the constant fear of death, hoping that in this way “we are not tempting fate.”

According to research, the passing of a loved one is one of the most dramatic events in human history. A crisis is a temporary state of internal imbalance caused by critical life events. Requires specific actions to be resolved. Grief is a response to the crisis of losing a loved one.

The time of death is unpredictable - always. Death is a natural process. But when people die, it’s scary! Is it possible to prepare for death? Regardless of whether it occurred as a result of a long illness or a banal accident. We cannot change the past and future, only the present remains. How to survive and survive death loved ones in this terrible present, especially if your beloved spouse or wife has died?

Psychologists have repeatedly described that after the loss of a person, you need to go through several subsequent stages. The entire period of mourning usually lasts about a year, which is reflected in tradition. Individual stages may vary depending on many factors. First there is a shock phase in which dementia and indifference occur. Often at this stage the person may act as if nothing happened. It happens that we do not recognize that a loved one is no longer there, which the environment perceives as “strange” behavior.

The second stage is full awareness of the final absence of a loved one. This is associated with very strong emotions, rebellion. There are attempts to burden oneself and others with responsibility for death - there is even guilt for the person who died. At this stage, the first attempts to adapt to the new situation should begin.

How to cope with the death of your husband

A woman who has lost her beloved husband experiences the following emotional stages, which are considered normal: shock, denial of death, guilt, anger and resentment towards herself and others, depression. Let's look at how to cope with feelings of despair and grief after the loss of your beloved other half. There are several options for exiting this state:

At the next stage, we became more involved in daily activities and planning for the future. They still feel grief and awareness of the shortcomings of the person who has passed away, but the emotions are much less intense than before. The last stage of mourning is its end. Life begins again. Sadness and memories of the deceased will still appear, but they will no longer cause depression. This man's memory may become important element our life, but it must belong to the past.

It may be that we are in one of the early stages of mourning and may never fully come to terms with the departure of a close relative. We will blame ourselves or others for failing to understand what contributed to her death. We may even think that we shouldn't be happy because we don't deserve it, because we survived. Failure to reach the final stage of mourning may be an indication for psychotherapy.

Death is the logical conclusion of life and there is nothing to be done about it. We need to find the strength within ourselves and continue to live.

This is setting new priorities. Yes, everything has changed, but it’s time to reconsider life values, find new meaning life. You cannot live in the past, but you need to rejoice in past events. Treat yourself like a child, pamper yourself, learn to enjoy everyday little things again.

Sadness and depression caused by the death of someone important is not an illness and therefore does not require treatment. However, the family often uses the widow or widows of iron remedies that were prescribed at another time. The reason is that "it would have been difficult for him to stay in the early days." Meanwhile, we need psychological support, understanding, conversation and manual work.

Men can “stick with it” after a loss. They don't cry, they don't trust their friends, they don't talk to their family about their pain. They don't do this because it is impartial. But the emotional response to loss is universal and independent of sex. A person who is suffocating from emotions inside does not really cope with this problem. Thus, the result may be that the marriage ends after the death of a child because he decided to remain silent about his suffering. There are also cases where the apparently "holding" husband dies shortly after the death of his wife.

It could be doing something new. Remember what you loved to do before, what brought you pleasure and peace. Or maybe try something completely new? Choose something that warms your soul and devote your free time to it.

Loneliness is good for you, but... in moderation. Try to find new friends or remember old ones true friends. Share your experience with the younger generation, pay attention to children and grandchildren, if you have them. Don’t be a recluse, it’s just much easier to get through trouble by sharing it with others.

The norm is to experience the loss for several years. If after several years the condition has not improved, you will need the help of specialists. The best thing you can do for your beloved deceased husband is to keep his memory and try to find the strength to continue to enjoy life and be happy!

How to cope with the death of your wife

It has long been known that the male psyche is more vulnerable than the female. Often, the death of a wife becomes a real blow for a man, especially if they have lived together for many years. A man understands that it is useless to look for his soul mate, and it is impossible to return him. The stages of grief in men are similar to women's experiences after loss. Psychologists give the following recommendations Once we get out of this state, let's look at them.

Continue, as before, to do everything that they did before the wife’s death. Don’t forget about hygiene, food, work and loved ones, and under no circumstances give up and see yourself at the bottom of an empty bottle.

Try not to be alone. Don’t withdraw into yourself, but try to look for new activities and communicate more.

Don't turn your apartment into a museum. Try not to create the illusion of your wife’s presence in the house; give away her personal belongings. Of course, something should remind you of her, for example, beautiful Foto or memorabilia.

Enjoy the little things. Remember, your wife would like to see you happy, she loved you, so it would be bitter for her to see that you grieve for her for a long time. Contact a specialist if you understand that you cannot cope with the feeling of loss on your own, that depression is getting worse, do not hesitate to ask for psychological help. Remember that you are not the only one, everything that happens to you has already happened to many people, and they dealt with it!

Remember that life goes on! After all, everyone leaves someday - and this does not mean that the world has lost its meaning!

Instructions

Think that your wife loved you. She wouldn't want you to be in pain and hardship. You don’t see her body, but her soul is always there, she lives in your heart and will always live there.

Get rid of the guilt if it weighs on you because you couldn't do anything. There are things that do not depend on a person. People can't prevent it death. This is not your fault.

Think about your loved ones: parents, children, friends. They are with you and experience your loss. But they are even more concerned about your condition. These people are ready to support, understand and help you continue to live a full life. They need you as much as you need their support.

If you can’t cope on your own, try seeking help from an experienced psychotherapist.

Remember that life is not over. The pain of loss is stronger than physical, sometimes it leads to a state of apathy and absolute reluctance to live without a loved one. But life is given once, for everyone it is different - for some it is longer, for others it is shorter. Your life path wives, as it turned out, was shorter than yours, but your life goes on.

Don't isolate yourself - you can lose your mind. Surround yourself with communication, look for new activities, get a pet. Just don't leave yourself in all alone, with desperate thoughts.

Don't turn your home into a memory museum wives. Of course, you need to leave photographs and memorabilia as souvenirs, but you should not leave her clothes in the closet, a toothbrush in the bathroom, creating the illusion of presence. This will only make it harder, but you won’t be able to get her back anyway.

Continue everything you did before, what every person needs. You have to eat, sleep, take care of personal hygiene, go to work. Let life take its course.

Remember: your wife loved you. Go to her grave, keep her memory. You can talk to her, tell her what’s going on. She would be glad that you continue to live.

Divorce is not an easy test, even when the spouses separate calmly, without mutual accusations and claims. What can we say about cases when it is accompanied by scandals and litigation! How can you help a woman survive a divorce?

Instructions

Because of their greater emotionality, women experience divorce the most difficultly. Often, ex-wives cannot calm down for a long time; they torment themselves with doubts whether it was their fault in what happened. They may lose faith in their feminine attractiveness, deciding that they would never see personal happiness again.

Friends and relatives should not be led by their ex-wife's emotions. Of course, at first you can sympathize and regret. But everything is good in moderation! If this continues for a long time, a divorced woman may well believe that she is a sufferer and a failure, and from here it is one step to depression.

Instead, you need to try your best to convince the woman that nothing bad happened. Divorce is not death or a serious illness. Gone are the days when a divorced woman was looked at disapprovingly because she could not save her family. Divorce should be treated as a very unpleasant incident that has already happened. Experiences matter, we must move on with life.

A divorced woman should be distracted in every possible way from self-criticism, from constant doubts whether she was to blame for what happened. Yes, she almost certainly had her share of the blame in the divorce. But torment will not improve anything. Advise her not to torture herself, but to draw all the necessary conclusions in order to avoid an equally sad situation in the future if she marries again.

If the divorce occurred due to misbehavior ex-spouse(immoral lifestyle, alcohol abuse, assault, etc.), it is all the more necessary to convince a woman that she is not to blame for anything. There is no need to pay attention to stupid prejudices like “it’s better bad husband than nothing!” or " good wife My husband won’t beat me.” This is nonsense.

It is very useful to captivate her with something, to help her receive positive emotions wherever possible. Literally anything is suitable for this: going to theaters, museums, exhibitions and concerts, gatherings with friends in a bar, cafe. An excellent remedy is shopping; it is guaranteed to distract the fair sex from heavy thoughts. You can advise her to change her image, for example, choose new hairstyle, update your wardrobe.

Finally, instill in the woman the idea that she needs to have a non-binding romance. Regardless of whether it turns into long-term serious relationship, or not, he will increase her self-esteem, again instill in her faith in his attractiveness and charm.

Tip 3: Jean-Jacques Rousseau and his ideas, or Who was called the Apostle of Sorrow

Jean Jacques Rousseau was a scientist, philosopher, writer, composer and botanist. A man whose ideas had a great influence on the leaders of the Great french revolution. The basic principles created by Rousseau in his works are now written into the American Constitution.

Jean Jacques Rousseau was born on June 28, 1712 in Geneva, known for its Protestant spirit. His mother, Suzanne Bernard, died just nine days after giving birth. Jean Jacques's father, Isaac Rousseau, was very upset about the death of his wife, which, of course, affected the boy himself. Throughout his life, Jean Jacques would call his mother's death the first of his misfortunes.

The biography of this philosopher and scientist is extensive and varied. He was an apprentice notary and engraver. At the age of 16 he left the city and converted to Catholicism. For some time he worked as a footman in an aristocratic house, but soon left there and spent more than two years wandering around Switzerland. He made his trips on foot and spent the night in the open air.

For some time he did not work very successfully as a home tutor. During this period, the first signs of misanthropy begin to form. Jean-Jacques Rousseau finds more and more consolation in nature. He follows the pigeons and bees, works in the garden and collects fruits. After some time, Rousseau briefly gets a job as a home secretary.

In Paris, Rousseau marries Therese Levasseur, a vulgar, illiterate, ugly peasant woman. The writer himself repeatedly said that he was not in love with her. They had five children, all of whom were sent to an orphanage. During this period, Rousseau began creating his famous works.

Rousseau's ideas were based on the fact that art and science corrupt people, and it is because of them that morals in society decline. The author most fully reflected his political thoughts in his treatise “On the Social Contract” of 1762.

The scientist first tried to explore the causes and types of social inequality. In his view, the state arose as a result of a social contract. The supreme power in the state belongs to the people, and their sovereignty is absolute and infallible. The law, in turn, is designed to protect the people from the arbitrariness of the government.

France at that moment resembled a powder keg. Rousseau's ideas found their way into the beneficial mail and became unique slogans for revolutionaries. The philosopher himself was unable to observe the impact of his ideas, since he died in 1778. Byron called him "the apostle of sorrow." Rousseau lived a life full of wanderings and hardships, which to some extent shaped his political and social views.

Despite the fact that men are more often accused of pursuing hobbies on the side, women can also be unfaithful. Husbands who are faced with the betrayal of their wives often make serious mistakes in a fit of anger. To avoid this, you should try to survive the betrayal without destroying either your personality or your happiness.

Instructions

Try to restrain yourself and not do things that you will later regret. In particular, some men, having learned about their spouse’s infidelity, rush to attack him or her, sort things out with their fists, etc. Believe me, this will not end well, not only for them, but also for you. Best option in such cases, go to the gym and take out your rage on a punching bag or relieve tension by working out on exercise machines.

Don't go on a binge and don't keep everything to yourself. Sometimes the men of their wives begin to engage in self-destruction: it seems to them that sharing their problems, and even more so, showing theirs true feelings– this is not masculine. As a result, the person restrains himself, endures it, and begins to drink a little in solitude. The result of such self-consolation can be sad. If you have no one to talk to or you don’t want to tell your loved ones about your problem, go to a psychologist or keep a diary.

Try to calmly and objectively assess the situation and understand the reasons for its occurrence. Blaming only yourself or only your wife for everything is wrong. Don't go to extremes. You must learn something from this bitter lesson, but preferably it is not low self-esteem or hatred of all women.

Do not withdraw into yourself and do not isolate yourself from the world unless you feel an urgent need to be alone. Try to see your friends at least once a week. If you don’t want to talk to anyone, visit theaters, go to the movies, concerts, etc. Try to keep yourself busy with something to take your mind off gloomy thoughts. You can throw yourself into work or find a new hobby.

Gradually start meeting girls. You should not think that they are all prone to cheating - this is not true. Do not transfer your attitude towards your wife to other women, and especially do not compare every new acquaintance with a cheater. There is another extreme that you shouldn’t go to: being infatuated with several girls at once, a stormy personal life, constant betrayals that become something like revenge on everything the fair sex. Better try to find your happiness and keep it.

Video on the topic

Just recently, a woman thought that she and her husband had a strong, loving family, which is bypassed by problems and adversity. And suddenly - like a bolt from the blue - she finds out that her husband is cheating on her, then it comes to

My wife died 6 years ago... During this time there were and are relationships with different women, but no one sunk into my soul... Is this curable? Or am I monogamous?

Ksenia Voitkovskaya, doctor, answers:

Hello, Igor!

The death of a wife is a great loss and it is not easy to get over it. When you love a person, it's hard to lose him. This is real grief. It is commonly said that time is best doctor, time heals everything. However time is running. But the wound in my soul does not heal.

It seems like I want a new relationship, but something is holding me back. No other woman arouses such interest. Do you doubt whether it is worth starting a relationship? After all, you cannot step into the same river twice.

System-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan helps resolve doubts and find answers to your questions.

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan considers the human psyche as a combination of eight vectors. A vector is an innate set of unconscious desires and mental properties that determine a person’s way of thinking, his value system and outlook on life.

How to cope with the loss of your wife?

The most difficult thing to experience is the death of a loved one, or in other words, the severance of an emotional connection with him, for people with a visual vector. It is these people who have the widest emotional range. They are the ones who are able to feel subtly. And it is they who take any, even the most insignificant incident, to heart. What can we say when such grief occurs in the life of a person with a visual vector.

After all, the root emotion of a person with a visual vector is precisely the fear of death. When we experience the death of a loved one, we come face to face with this fear. Moreover, fear of death and love are diametrically opposed points of the enormous amplitude of the visual vector. That is, experiencing the fear of death, we close ourselves to love. And when we experience love, we are not afraid of anything.

Having experienced such a loss, a person with a visual vector becomes emotionally closed and does not want to let anyone into his life. Now he's afraid bright emotions, fears them like fire. He is afraid to build new relationships. However, the need of the visual vector to love and create emotional connections lives deep inside, and it is ineradicable. She still reminds us of herself, because every person wants to be happy and finds this happiness in family relationships.

What if I'm monogamous?

Indeed, there are such people - the most faithful and devoted. They cannot be satisfied with casual relationships; they need everything to be serious. At first they look closely at their partner for a long time and get used to it, then they become very attached. And the longer such people live in marriage, the harder it is for them to survive the loss. These are people with an anal vector. One person can have several vectors at once, most often from three to five. So, one person can have both a visual and anal vector.

When experiencing a loss, a person with an anal vector tends to blame himself - he did something wrong, that’s why it happened. And it is difficult for such a person to start a new relationship, because he remains faithful to the memory of his wife. No matter how much time passes, he will keep this memory. It seems to him that a new relationship will be an insult to this memory, a betrayal of his wife.

To relieve tension, such a person may have contact with women from time to time, but after each such incident he experiences unbearable shame and a terrible feeling of guilt for desecrating his wife’s memory. The memory of a wife is sacred. And he seemed to have done something dirty in relation to her memory, and for him, cleanliness is very important in a relationship.

Every time we meet new woman, such a man unconsciously compares her with ex-wife. His consciousness is naturally drawn to the past; it always seems to him that it was better before. At least for this reason, no other woman can compare with his wife. Even if there were some disagreements and conflicts in his relationship with his wife, in his memories they are gradually smoothed out, and the anal-visual man idealizes her image.

Such a man can remain faithful to his wife throughout his life. However, this does not mean that after the death of his wife he must live alone for the rest of his life. After all, such a life only brings suffering.

Leave the past in the past

On the one hand, he feels guilty before his wife that while she was around, he did not pay enough attention to her, was not affectionate with her, did not have time to tell her and do so many things, and failed to fulfill so many promises. After all, we probably planned a lot, but didn’t have time to do it. It just sits in his memory, drilling into him from the inside. On the other hand, he may feel enormous resentment: “Why did this happen? How could she do this to me? Why did she leave and leave me all alone in this world?” It seems to him that life is unfair.

All these experiences arise in a person with an anal vector, because one of his values ​​is equality. The feeling of deprivation, when he lost what was dear, is subjectively experienced as resentment. And if he thinks that he has not done enough for his wife, he feels guilty.

The loss of a beloved wife can throw such a person either into a state of resentment or into a state of guilt. However, nothing can be corrected in the past; it no longer exists. But you can remember the past not with a feeling of guilt, but with a feeling of deep and sincere gratitude for all the brightest things that happened between you.

When you stop experiencing a painful feeling of guilt, the memories evoke bright sadness, and not mortal melancholy.

How to open up to new relationships?

A person with an anal vector never forgets his experience, his attachments. Remembering your departed wife with gratitude is completely natural. But you can't live in the past. And while we're alive, we all need to create emotional connections. Including a man with an anal vector simply needs fulfillment in a couple relationship. And since the novelty factor is a stress factor for him, he cannot be content with one-night stands.

A man with an anal vector definitely needs to create a new strong relationship. Of course, there is a fear of repeating a bad experience. But when you are sincerely interested in another person, fear recedes, and love comes in its place.

Knowledge of System-Vector Psychology from Yuri Burlan will help you get rid of fears, let go of grievances and meet new love.

It was very difficult for me to cope with grief - the loss of a loved one. Fear of death, phobias, panic attacks did not allow me to live. I contacted specialists - to no avail. At the very first lesson of the visual vector training, relief and understanding immediately came to me of what was happening to me. Love and gratitude are what I felt instead of the horror that was before.

And the first step can be taken by signing up for free introductory online lectures by Yuri Burlan

The article was written using materials from online trainings on system-vector psychology Yuri Burlan
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