The question is as follows: My husband cheated on me, what should I do, how should I behave in this situation, is it possible to forgive the betrayal, or if my husband changed everything, I need to throw him in the trash and find a new one, or just stay alone, what is the best thing to do, communicate with this person or just cut him out of your life?
I will only speak my opinion, you do not have to agree with it, if you have your own opinion please leave comments, let's discuss it together.
Let's figure out what treason is, because different people very different understanding of this point.
In my opinion, treason is betrayal, that is, it is a deception that includes a number of actions that hide the real state of affairs.
How to recognize your husband's cheating
This is the most common question I receive - what should I do? My husband is cheating on me? Sometimes it seems that all men cheat on their wives, but this is not true, there is a very large group of men, I think the vast majority of whom do not think of cheating on their wives, who live with their family and do everything to make the family feel good, so that the wife is happy, the children are healthy and there are a lot of such men.
Unfortunately, few people talk about them because there is no reason. No normal wife would write somewhere in social network, but my husband does not cheat on me, for such women it is the norm that they do not cheat on them, well, who will write for example, I eat 3 times a day, it is normal that a person eats 3 times a day and lives happily with his husband, who never cheats on her and these men are not visible, so we women get stories from unfortunate deceived wives who, out of their grief and disappointment, try to find support somewhere from their friends, so these stories are more visible and heard, and it seems that all men are like that they cheat on their wife. This is not true, not all of it.
When a woman asks what should I do, is my husband cheating on me? I have an answer that is extremely unpopular, and I will answer it - don’t do anything, because you’ve already done everything you can.
Firstly, you married a man who couldn’t stand the test of his family, they’ll immediately tell me, well, I was young and stupid, I didn’t understand anything, my parents didn’t tell me anything and my friends didn’t say anything, in general, I didn’t know how to choose a husband.
Husbands don’t start cheating on March 1 or April 1, suddenly at 8 am he got up and started cheating, that is, there were some warning signs.
There are always some bells, and the men who will write comments will probably agree with me that a man does not suddenly start cheating on his wife, it’s as if he was hit on the head, he woke up and went to cheat, all this begins long before the betrayal.
- relationships don't work out
- no psychological comfort
- not that kind of love
That is, where quarrels begin, it is boring, there is no joy, there is no desire to be in a place, this is all the first step on a long path that ultimately leads to betrayal.
When the husband is already cheating, excuse the pun, this is the end of a long journey, there was a long way and this is already the final station, if the husband began to cheat, doing something at that moment is already useless and there is no way to force the husband not to cheat, or so that he stops loving his new mistress and returns to the family, as we are very fond of saying - to return to the family, to work, to children, we cannot control the feelings and life of another person, we often cannot even control our own life and our feelings and your emotions.
What can we say to the question - what to do when your husband cheats? Well, as a rule, the question here is not about love. but about the fact that we have a common apartment and common property. Small children. Here is another question: what to do with the property? This is for the lawyers.
What to do with children? This is for child psychologists.
But what should a woman do? You can visit a psychologist.
If the husband begins to cheat, this is not the end, he may come to his senses or try something else and realize that he is better off at home, or he will decide to go to his new lover and, as a rule, almost nothing depends on his wife.
Categories of male infidelity
In fact, there are 4 categories in male infidelity1st category cheating is an accident, that is, at some corporate event, or somewhere with his campaign at work, he accidentally drank, lost control, something happened, in this case the chances that he will confess about his betrayal and come to his senses are great.
2nd category- it was an old, unloved childhood love that stirred up, some kind of school story, I met my old lover, old feelings stirred up, nostalgia stirred up, if the wife has enough fortitude and patience to wait it out, then, as a rule, such betrayals of the husband end in reassurance, it was good, but that’s all family is more valuable.
3rd category this is when a man is seduced by an experienced woman, he already becomes such a tasty prey, achieves career growth, becomes wealthy, and he is purposefully seduced by such an experienced predator, with the aim of taking him away from the family for selfish reasons.
4th type of husband's betrayal- this is a man who is a womanizer, who has always had mistresses both before and during marriage and will always cheat on his wife, that is, this is not a case, nor any old love, cheating is his lifestyle and no matter what you do, no matter how he didn’t love you, he will always look for adventures, in this case a woman should think very hard and not wait for the weather by the sea, not wait for her life to turn into hell because of her husband’s infidelity and start making some decisions.
But in any case, the question *what should I do if my husband cheats on me* is a serious question, and even if you look at all these 4 categories of husband’s cheating. in fact, nothing can be done with it. here you have to think about yourself. about how to save your nervous system. how to maintain your health and I think that the best thing is to consult a psychologist and figure out what to do if your husband cheats.
Well, one more piece of advice to women who have suspicions that their man is cheating - stay calm, although it’s not easy, start taking some kind of motherwort, so as not to aggravate the situation and don’t make any scandals, this definitely won’t help.
How to survive your husband's betrayal?
“Darling, how will you feel if I cheat on you? Will you forgive me for cheating? I’m just asking, don’t think anything like that.” – my lover once told me, as if by the way. I thought about it. But really. I'm not ideal. And there are a bunch of young beautiful temptations in miniskirts wandering around. After all, it’s not a fact that my beloved-dear-tender-loving one won’t fall for all these charms. Of course, you need to trust, but it would be a hundred times stupid to exclude the possibility of betrayal.Psychologists say that men are more prone to polygamy. And people say, they say, the men are not averse to going to the left. For example, it is customary for eastern peoples to have entire harems. Yes Yes. That's right, harems. It’s a pity, but neither the people nor the psychologists see the essence of their origin. The fact is that there have always been many wars in the east. And now it’s not enough either. And there simply aren’t enough men for everyone. So the survivors have to take care of the wives of their dead brothers and friends.
But women love to “walk” just as much as men. It’s just the concept of being “women” that holds them back. Well, it’s been that way for a long time. We once agreed that a woman should sit and wait for her man. That's all. And there's nothing you can do about it. Mostly they sit and wait.
What is treason?
Dictionary sexual relations tells us that adultery is sexual relations between married persons with persons from other married couples or with single men and women. Married! That is, purely theoretically, if you have been in love with each other for 10 years, of which you have lived together for 5 years, but are not officially registered as a family, and if your loved one has sexual relations with someone else, then this is not treason? So what? I think there's a catch somewhere.One of my friends defined betrayal as when you do not remain faithful to your love. Moreover, even if mentally, not necessarily physically. And he added that he essentially cheats 70-80 times a day.
In general, it doesn’t matter what exactly you mean by betrayal, what matters is how to experience it and how to deal with it. Many women and men resort to various tricks, cunning, feats and achievements in the holy cause. Some try to hold on with sex, some with children, some with intelligence and intelligence, and some with delicious borscht. Sometimes it works. Sometimes not. Few people understand that if a person wants to change, he will do it. The question is how to perceive it - to forgive or not to forgive.
Should I forgive my husband's betrayal?
In general, I’ll tell you a secret, I’m surprised by the people who come to repent. Like, forgive me dear (dear), I trust in your mercy, forgive me. But in vain. Because, often, even if he forgives betrayal, it is not completely, and how to survive this is also a question. And on occasion, he will remember so much that it doesn’t seem too little. And I also “like” it when the humiliated and insulted begin to take revenge. Roughly speaking, they demonstratively go on a spree. And off we go! What's the point? Isn't it better to just remain silent? Or go talk to a psychologist (to professional psychologist, not friends). Moreover, make sure that your beloved (beloved) never finds out about it. It will be easier for everyone. And if your conscience is tormented, go ahead to confession and sing.One of my friends went on a spree when his wife started a session at the institute. He justified this by saying that she sits and teaches all day and night, and gives him zero attention. Do you see his libido? He needs a woman. Although, judging by rumors, he did not get along with one. As a result, the wife, having learned about her husband’s adventures and infidelities, began to retaliate (this is a living example of what I mentioned above). And what is the result? Divorce, child in single-parent family, alimony and other joys of life.
Psychologists shrug their shoulders and talk about the standard nature of the situation.
Cheating husband after the birth of a child
An even more standard situation is the husband’s infidelity after the birth of a child. Women after childbirth often become typical mothers. Of course, kinder is an important part family life. But because of him, relationships with her husband often suffer. And first of all, sexual. And this is literally a push in the back of your man. The impetus for betrayal.We think that a husband's betrayal is a personal insult. And the understanding that someone is better, de facto. In general, I hasten to assure you that it is not necessary which is better. If you eat borscht for a long time, you will eventually get bored of it to death. I'm not making excuses for anyone, but a fact is a fact.
By the way. One well-known marquise at the French court very wisely gave her husband young maids for entertainment. And at the same time she knew that he loved her - an adult, mature and experienced. And, by the way, they lived happily ever after.
But we are not marquises. And not in France. And you have to somehow live with the fact of betrayal. To forgive or not to forgive betrayal? That is the question!.
Yes, on the one hand it’s nice to be a victim. Oh, he's a scoundrel! Oh, he's a scoundrel! He cheated on me! How could he! Etc.
Now let's sit down and think. Or maybe the reason for his betrayal is you? Let's just think carefully! Honestly. To yourself first and foremost. No? Then he's definitely a scoundrel. And why do you need it?
Cheating on a loved one
Cheating on a loved one can change your mind and inner world. Explode reality in an instant and completely change the usual way of life. When you are completely devoted to your soulmate and are firmly confident in the opposite feeling and attitude, betrayal bursts into consciousness and finds no place for itself there.
In a fit of indignation, anger and resentment, people sometimes commit actions that forever close the door to the return journey. Now you need to stop and calm down. Just calm down. And think. Very roughly, treason can be divided into two options. Physical betrayal and psychological betrayal. In the first case, most often everything happens spontaneously, thoughtlessly and quickly. I was celebrating a bachelor party with friends, had too much, and woke up next to another woman. I didn’t understand how it all happened and I can’t forgive myself.
The same example can be applied to girls. It's a shame, terrible, but there is more good in it. And a lesson for life. From now on he will walk and control the situation as much as possible. Such betrayal can probably be forgiven. The so-called psychological betrayal is when, consciously, deliberately, coming up with excuses, a loved one runs away to the side, understands perfectly well what is happening, but continues anyway. Here it is up to everyone to decide for themselves. But first of all, calm down. Think and understand why this happens.
Who is to blame for cheating, the wife or the husband?
In most betrayals, we ourselves are to blame, giving reasons to look for alternatives. She is always dissatisfied with everything, and he has long forgotten that she is a woman and not a housekeeper. Talk to your loved one and only then draw conclusions. But the main thing here is to be extremely honest with yourself. Your entire future life will depend on this.Whatever one may say, there is only one real reason for betrayal: it, betrayal, occurs either where it was “bad”, or - which, alas, is much more common, where it was “bad”.
Here, it turns out, is where the dog is buried - betrayal always happens due to banal dissatisfaction. Either HE plays shooting games at night instead of sex, or SHE constantly mumbles about her headache. Cases when “I came, I saw, I conquered” certainly do happen - but the number of such sudden impulses is negligible against the backdrop of betrayals “from everyday life.”
In a couple, one of the partners is always dissatisfied with something. And sometimes both. Most often, due to the fact that one not very wonderful day they wake up and... stop trusting each other. As a result, two people who seemed to love each other closed in on themselves, and to the question “how are you?” They dryly respond with a rhetorical “fine,” and don’t share their joys or experiences.
In a word, they simply exist under one roof. And in their hearts everyone is afraid... and dreams of the first step towards freedom. The paradox is that it is the one who moved away first who sincerely considers himself a victim - it was he who was deprived of attention/care/understanding.
As a result, betrayal becomes a cry for help: “Save me, I’m drowning! Nobody loves me! It seems to the cheater that if someone else paid attention to him, then his beloved should also notice him. The logic is clear - “since I am interesting to another Homo Sapiens, this means that there is no flaw in me. But my husband/wife doesn’t see this, which means they don’t like it...” Divorce and slippers by mail...
Most often, representatives of the fair sex are outraged that their beloved ones are supposedly “walking to the left.” The husband is constantly under suspicion - of course, “after all, it is HE who comes on Friday after seven o’clock and smells overwhelmingly of cheap “RED MOSCOW”! And I am white and fluffy!”
The young lady had no idea that her husband was delayed because of an old woman who had been transferred across the road, and the scent was given to her by her aunt, from whose bag the ill-fated bottle fell onto the floor of the metro train, dousing half of the passengers.
As a result, the suffering wife puts on the crown of the great martyr, denies her husband intimacy, ignores and... hands over her husband to the passionate embrace of her mistress.
And it also happens: a lady for some reason does not want to make love. Well, she doesn’t like it... She refuses the man, but is fully confident that he must endure if he loves. The husband suffers and... goes “outside” for understanding. But you could just talk, figure out the problem and move on peacefully in love and harmony.
Wives who take a lover are guided by the same reasons as husbands who regularly cheat on their other halves.
One partner was tuned in to the conversation, but the other was not. As a result, a frequent situation arises in which one extremely aggressively insists on a conversation “let’s talk,” while the other casually refuses - “I don’t have time now, and you want a new scandal.”
Elementary lack of attention, the inevitable cooling of relationships, and refusal to dialogue lead to the collapse of a family that was just recently happy and making plans for the future.
Try to understand each other - and everything will work out!
Is cheating on your husband a reason for divorce?
I am currently collecting information before starting a divorce, but I have not been able to find what interests me.The fact is that my American husband has placed his profile on all dating sites for the second time and has already found himself a girl from Russia with whom he is seriously corresponding. I only have a temporary Green Card, which I received last November. The immigration rules say that I can file a petition for permanent civil rights if a marriage that started with good intentions It fell apart through no fault of mine. Will this kind of betrayal of his be considered sufficient grounds for divorce? I didn’t find anywhere that cheating on a husband is also considered.
Thank you for your time and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Natasha V
We asked freelancer Irina to comment on this letter:
Hello, dear Natasha!
Firstly, I would like to ask you to clarify how your relationship with your husband is in general. How does he behave towards you, besides the fact that he has started looking for new acquaintances? Are there signs of “abuse”? I would like to hear about how you found out about his profile being posted on dating sites? Did he inform you HIMSELF, or did you find out about this by chance? For example, opening his mailbox and discovering his correspondence with another girl?
Does your husband know about your intention to divorce, that YOU are filing for divorce because of your husband’s infidelity? Are you going to make financial claims against him? Do you have any children?
How does he motivate his search for another woman? Does he blame you for the fact that the family is falling apart and he decided to cheat? Does he have evidence that YOU are to blame for this? Or does he take all the blame on himself? I think your plan to obtain a permanent Civil Code presupposes the presence of a lawyer, since the husband’s CHANGE “de facto”, and in our understanding of it, may LEGISLATIVELY not matter to the court. Correspondence may not be considered as betrayal of her husband in physical sense, especially if you both have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to save your marriage... (In the event that you both have decided that your marriage cannot continue because your husband has “fallen out of love with you and loved someone else,” divorce will (possibly) entail an annulment your legal stay in the United States, since the period of your temporary GC has already expired. If the court has evidence that you have been insulted by your husband, you have a chance to receive a permanent GC. Without studying the details of your family situation It is very difficult to give definite advice.
Based on the information you provided, I can personally advise the following:
It is necessary to convince the court that you do not want a divorce, you love your husband, while he found another woman and entered into serious correspondence with her, which jeopardized your marriage, that is, the husband’s infidelity.
If I were you, filing for divorce would seem more convenient for you if it were from your husband, in which case you become the injured party and your chances of getting a permanent civil law increase.
Irina.
Divorce (dissolution of marriage)
According to sociologists, 60% of men who initiated divorce, when asked “For what reason did you break up?” They answer “I fell out of love.” Women in most cases answer the same question that they have never loved at all. This is such an interesting difference. What is the real reason?Initially, in any relationship there is idealization. Only women usually idealize love, and men are its object.
What usually happens as a result?
Since a man marries, one might say, an illusion he has invented, and not a real one that lives with him, then, accordingly, after a while he reveals his delusion and interprets it as “falling out of love.”
A woman is more down to earth in this regard. She is able to get used to changed conditions and trusts her intuition more than the logic of events. A woman is not as often disappointed in her partner as a man, because she initially knew with whom she was connecting her life. If the marriage breaks up, then she comes to the conclusion that it was not love. Because in the female consciousness, love is something eternal.
The very words about falling out of love carry a double meaning, emphasizing that the woman is also to blame. I didn’t do something the right way, and that’s why I fell out of love. Where does men get this habit of shifting all the blame onto women? Why is it easier to shift all the blame onto your companion than to simply ask for forgiveness? It's simple, women made them that way. By nature, everyone is initially a mother; she is tolerant and calm towards her son. This is where the veiled attraction and relationship between parents and children comes into play.
It is worth noting that while a woman has feelings for her soulmate, she is able to understand and forgive a lot, meanwhile sacrificing herself. And exactly the opposite, if she doesn’t love someone, then a more unpleasant person cannot be found. In this regard, a man is more tolerant of his “victims”.
It is when a woman’s feelings for her life partner completely fade away that she decides to divorce. Absolutely everything about him, down to the smallest detail, begins to irritate her.
What a man considers the decoration of his life is meaning for a woman. For him it is a support, for her it is a goal.
If there are doubts about divorce, then the time has not yet come for divorce. This means that something is still holding this marriage together; not all the threads are broken. When the decision is ripe, no one can dissuade you from this action.
These same strings that hold things together are different for everyone. Someone has it financial issue, someone doesn’t want to build everything from scratch, and the like. The most main reason of course children. A family is built not only on the relationship between a woman and a man, but also on the reciprocity of the entire family. If the children are happy with their father, then there is probably no need to rush, it makes sense to wait.
If one party insists on divorce, but the other does not want it, then what to do?
Nothing. You should not forcibly hold a person, even if he is dear. If he wants, he will find a way to return.
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| Lena the hostess 21.12 14:32 |
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Do without reproaches and accusations, let your husband do most of the talking, and you listen and draw conclusions for yourself. Although, when he arrives, you can tell him that you see a way out of this situation in that he will take on the responsibilities of supporting and raising his daughter, according to at least, until my son turns one year old. Explain your decision by saying that you have already tried to live without him and realized that you cannot bear two young children alone, that before the betrayal was revealed, you relied on your husband for everything and did not expect him to betray your trust. However, now that he has almost destroyed the family, you are forced to think about organizing your personal life while you are still young. Tell him this, and then watch how he reacts. To his claims and objections, answer that he is, first of all, a father and is responsible, and that you will no longer allow him to do this to you - to leave him alone with the children and without support. Author, either you will now be able to insist on changing the rules for yourself, or yours new life You will have to gnaw from another. My husband will want to escape from the prospect of raising 4 children. year old girl- don’t cling, let him run. The main thing you have already done is pose the question to him point blank. Who knows, maybe he will have other options for you, with greater benefit. The option that you should immediately agree to (if he voices it) is that the whole family leaves for the city that he has designated for his residence, and without any delays in the form of a job search. If your husband is ready to take his daughter with him, then let them go, and a week later, you will come to them with your son, tell them that you miss them very much, and you will stay there. Author, buy some time for yourself for now, and then we’ll see. |
What I will write about now will certainly not be the ultimate truth. I foresee many objections and comments from those who themselves have gone through the hell of drunkenness among loved ones and acquired negative experiences. And yet I hope that this mini-novel is about the fight against green serpent will help some exhausted wives develop a plan of action if their husband starts drinking, and also get out of this difficult situation with dignity and a sense of accomplishment life situation or at least try to do it.
Regular alcohol consumption may or may not be an addiction-disease. First, try to think and assess the scale of the disaster. In any case, frequent application to a glass means the presence of certain psychological problems. But the risk of ending up at the very bottom is still very high.
Therefore, any suspicion of abuse requires attention and certain actions. Which ones? Let's figure it out.
Chapter 1 (theoretical). Disease history
You need to know the enemy by sight. The enemy is strong and cunning, so we have to get to know him better and boldly look into the face of the enemy.
What do we actually have? The tap is dripping, the picture is on the floor, the conversation with the boss did not take place, the decision on vacation has not been made. Time passes, but nothing changes. Along with the dust that you have to wipe off from the painting, you also remove slight discontent and disappointment.
But, unlike dust, dissatisfaction has a habit of growing, occupying all the space and turning into frustration, anger and resentment. And long-accumulated feelings explode unexpectedly - in the wrong place and for the wrong reason. And there is a complete misunderstanding.
To prevent such developments, there are simple and effective ways Help your partner make common daily decisions.
We are not talking about fateful decisions that can turn a person’s whole life upside down and take a completely different path.
We are talking about small but unsolved problems.
1. Choose from two.
Offer him 2 ready-made answer options. Three is not necessary - he will get confused and reject everything. The phenomenon of the fairy tale about the knight at the crossroads will work here: wherever you go, there are only problems. Therefore, there will be two ready-made solutions, and the second one is stupid. Something from the series “only the last fool with a small female mind and logic could come up with this.”
For example, offer to drive pushpins into the wall - they are so pretty, with colored heads, you don’t even have to pick up a hammer (screwdriver, hammer drill, chipper), just pick at the wall with them, and then knock a little... well, with the sole of a shoe, just a clean one, so that there were no marks on the wall.
One must speak while sincerely believing in the truth of such a decision. There will be a reaction. How will the first of your two options be accepted: painting - wall - tool - now - work for a couple of minutes. He is a genius, you are not so much: you had to tell him such nonsense!
2. Choice without choice.
An old proven method applied to children during a crisis of 3 years. “Will you have milk or tea?” The children quickly get out of the trap: “Juice!” or “I won’t do anything!” As adults, they lose their vigilance and fall into limiting boundaries.
Do you want to go to the sea in the summer and have already looked at your options? Do not question the trip, offer options of two countries, two seas, two provinces, two cities. Two hotels, after all. Choosing a month of vacation is worse - it is too close to the very concept of “trip” and will not allow the person asked to go into details.
3. Referential parable
A clever name for a story that can be compiled by knowing which stories - life and movies - your partner usually prefers to listen to, watch, or retell. And the referential one - because it should be about people he respects. The point is that, having become imbued with the plot, he acts by analogy and stands on a par with the winning heroes.
The main thing is not to miss the hero of your story. In no case should he be from a clan of rivals with whom a person constantly competes: brother, friend, colleague. We can talk about a person he respects very much - a father, a teacher, a big boss, a super-coach.
In a story, verisimilitude is important. If his dad couldn’t fix the faucet even theoretically, the story will turn out to be comedic. Will it be of any use? If only your man laughed for a long time. So this option requires your wild imagination and the skill of a fabulist. Why not?
4. Praise.
That’s right, not praise as a one-time action, but praising your man as a process. O wisest of the wise, wise in wisdom wise, no one is equal to you in the ability to make a choice. Make us, who are watching, happy: show your wisdom - make a damn decision already about how long you can wait! (Correct the tail of the sentence in the desired style).
Who wants to show their worst side when there is a crowd of fans (including you) waiting for a miracle? This is the opposite version of “what can you expect from such a slow-witted person.” Whatever you name (name) is what you will get. It works because along the way you begin to believe.
5. Surprise.
Even so: surprise - embarrassment - confusion. Sorry, I can’t understand how you, with your skills as a diplomat and manager, can’t find the time to offer your boss your work?
If we go deeper into science, here we use Dilts's semantic pyramid. Its logic is simple: if you want changes at a lower level, turn to values more high level. In our case, we want action and appeal to ability level. You can take it higher: touch on beliefs (a supporter of progress), values (peace to the world) and mission (peacemaker, for example). But you shouldn’t turn to higher meanings daily questions.
6. From the opposite.
Let's take the “nasty” as unpleasant. What doesn't your partner like? The sound of dripping water - let it drip freely from a poorly closing faucet. Uneconomical - collect dripping water in containers, place them everywhere and use them. This exaggerated version will lead to making a rational decision.
A negative experience from which a conclusion was once drawn can also help. For example, a story about how neighbors from downstairs came and asked if everything was okay with the water, otherwise they had just done some repairs.
Placing an adjustable wrench, a rubber gasket or a new faucet on a visible and popular place - a kitchen table, a sofa, a toilet, his computer - causes different reactions. Perhaps the item will be pushed aside and forgotten. Or they will express indignation at your demonstrativeness. But they can do what is required.
It depends on your luck: you managed to break the stereotype - you got changes. If you didn’t notice an unexpected detail against the usual background, even if you add it for a month, nothing will happen.
7. Reduce importance.
What happens if he doesn't make a decision and therefore doesn't take any action? Life is full of options. Maybe you won’t like a picture that won’t hang on the wall, but the wall will remain intact. A global conversation with the boss is completely useless - the boss himself is thinking about changing jobs. Not going to the sea in the summer also leaves a huge number of plot development threads.
Give life the opportunity to flow on its own, switch to yourself, your beloved. You have already done everything you considered necessary: you have made a request. Leave further application of forces to the other side. And see what happens if you shift the focus of your attention from the things he hasn’t done to your own concerns. He's not used to this. And the unusual is puzzling.
Look at all seven options for gently and carefully encouraging your loved one to make daily decisions and develop this skill in general. Whatever you choose, once you achieve the result, don’t forget to say “thank you”: to him - out loud, to you - to yourself.
And finally, as a bonus, option eight: a reserve parachute.
When do you use a reserve parachute?
When the main one has not revealed itself, that is, quite rarely. In life they often do the opposite. We ourselves call our dad, brother, friend, craftsman to fix or hang it. Do we want to be good fairies or mothers of little boys? What we get: dreamers and little boys - with a peaceful development of events.
Or accusations of plans to land at someone else's airfield. We are perplexed: we wanted the best. But in fact they made their man understand:
Firstly, there are men cooler than him (he is worse),
Secondly, we will figure it out ourselves without him (he is nobody).
It turns out that it’s more expensive for yourself to decide for him. Let him do it poorly, slowly, but on his own. And you don’t need to push it away with your shoulder, even if everything is going wrong in your hands. Better tell me: “You know, they told me that some people do this and that. Do you think this is normal? Do not deprive him of masculine competence (dignity, confidence, respect) - then he will never deprive you of feminine competence.
The ability to resolve conflicts in relationships does not come immediately.
But you can learn this if you want to live in harmony with yourself and your loved ones.
What is difficult for you in disputes, how to find your way out of a seemingly dead-end situation - it is important to talk about this in a personal consultation.
You can get out of any situation without losing yourself.
What to do if your husband cheats? For themselves, the male population of the planet came up with a fairy tale about the polygamy of the sons of Adam, which for thousands of years they have been enthusiastically trying to bring into reality. Without realizing that the concept of polygamy directly means polygamy, which is legally prohibited in most countries, and not the desire to possess the largest possible number of beautiful women for self-affirmation, maintaining and increasing authority among “males” or because of the desire to dominate in an aggressive environment “ strong men" After all, when a man does not run furtively to the left and does not have affairs on the side, he is considered a weakling, who is contemptuously called “heel.”
What to do if your husband cheats and deceives? First, it is recommended to analyze what happened and understand what events caused it to happen. Analysis of the sad situation will further contribute to the approval of the only correct solution and liberation from the severity of the problem. As a rule, psychologists count three fundamental options for getting out of the resulting plight of family relationships when the husband cheats, namely to come to terms, simply create an appearance called “nothing happened”; truly forgive and let go, or fight for the heart of your loved one.
For any young lady, even the most self-sufficient, her husband’s betrayal is a tragedy, as a result of which long-term plans collapse, her attitude changes, and she feels as if the support has been knocked out from under her feet. Hopes are dashed, value ideals are trampled, the usual way of life is disrupted.
What to do if your husband cheats, how to behave? It is necessary to take one's own person into own hands and move on. Male infidelity is a pain, but not a tragedy. Therefore, it should be treated the same way as in situations of somatic pain, that is, understand the factors that provoked betrayal and act on them. This will either help save the family, or teach you not to make such mistakes in later life with a new partner.
If the husband cheats and does not admit what to do, the solution to this problem can be found in the following methods of responding to marital adultery. The most in a simple way there is humility when the spouse “does not notice” the betrayal. This model of behavior is chosen by ladies who have been married for many years, when grandchildren have already appeared and women devote all their time to them, and men look for entertainment on the side. Therefore, femmes, having learned about betrayal, create the appearance strong family, since they are not going to change their status as a married lady, and their intimate life has long been unimportant. It’s easier for them to “not notice” the little pranks of their spouse than to remain on their own after fifty and learn to live without a traitor.
Forgiving and letting go is the way of self-confident women, for whom self-love, pride and self-esteem do not allow them to “not notice” that day after day they are betrayed by those closest to them. Often, such ladies immediately let go of their unfaithful spouse, often even drive them away, but forgive him much later. They are self-sufficient, so they are sure that along the path of life they will meet a worthy partner.
The option to fight is more suitable for those young ladies who want to preserve their relationship, who are sure that they have found their one and are not going to share it with a potential homewrecker. It's hard for these women. After all, they have no right to break loose. They constantly have to play a role, hiding from their spouse what pain is tearing apart inside. In addition, they must understand what their unfaithful husband was looking for on the side, what reasons led to this, in order to build the right model of behavior in which the man will not want to look for emotions outside the family.
The listed methods are only models of solutions that contribute to a correct assessment of the situation and determination of priorities.
What to do if your husband cheats and lies
Some people are unable to live without deception. Lying becomes their habitual way of life. Men who are connected are especially addicted to outright lies. marriage ties and having connections on the side. A lie in itself has a destructive effect on the relationship between partners, and if it is also fueled by adultery, it turns into an avalanche that buries the marriage.
Cheating on a spouse is a serious test for a wife, but what to do if the husband cheats and lies even after being caught in infidelity? You need to try to talk to him frankly, try to explain to your unfaithful husband that relationships are built solely on trust. strong relationships. It is important to convey to the traitor, who is dodging as if in a frying pan, that married couples They can survive betrayal with dignity and become stronger, but lies completely ruin the relationship. In addition, we need to figure out what is holding him back with his wife, why doesn’t he confess if he has already been caught more than once? Maybe he is deeply attached to his wife, or is he supported by a joint business, children, or is he simply accustomed to an established family structure? Depending on the factor that makes him dodge, you should build own behavior. In any case, a frank conversation is necessary.
Most women prefer a good scandal as a solution to a problem if their husband cheats and lies. This behavior can achieve a temporary lull in bed “exploits” on the side, but literally after ten days he will return to his old ways. At the same time, he will simply begin to more carefully camouflage his own adventures, but will not stop communicating on the side.
The most provocative and drastic way to force a spouse to think about his actions is to lie in response. Moreover, the outcome of such a move is extremely difficult to predict. If a person is truly dear, then you should fight. But if a woman understands that her husband will never change, then she might better give herself a chance to build a more harmonious relationship with another partner, leaving this one with his sweetheart, for the sake of meetings with whom he constantly dodged.
What to do if your husband cheats and deceives - recommendations from psychologists.
First of all, you need to realize once and for all that scandals will not help. If you have accumulated emotions that are difficult to contain within yourself, then you can pour them out on your husband. After all, he himself deserved them! But you shouldn’t make a scandal solely out of love for this genre of showdown. Taking it out on others, subordinates, children, friends is also not an option. This way you can lose the favor of loved ones and the support of friends. It is also not recommended to look for your husband’s mistress in order to rip out her locks or evaluate her. By doing this, the woman will humiliate herself even more, and present the homewrecker in a more favorable light. Another extremely wrong way to respond is to take revenge on your husband in a similar manner. It’s not a fact that you will be able to take revenge, but you will be able to worsen your own condition one hundred percent. In addition, such “revenge” will put the woman on the same level as her unfaithful husband, as a result of which she will lose her “advantage.”
Many women write on various forums “I found out that my husband is cheating, what to do.” Not realizing that help is next to them in the person of their friends. Some women, having learned about adultery, begin to avoid loved ones. This is fundamentally wrong behavior. In such a situation, girls are very vulnerable and need outside support. They need to talk it out. Best friends can handle this purpose like no one else.
Psychologists also advise living separately from your spouse for some time after the fact of adultery. Since he is under the same roof with a traitor, it will be quite difficult. Temporary separate residence will allow you to calm down, think about the situation and make a decision.
Adultery is usually complicated by the need to make a choice. A married lady suddenly faces a dilemma: to forgive or to divorce, which no one else can solve except her. And for the consequences decision taken only she will have to bear responsibility. If the choice fell on preserving the relationship, then you need to learn to truly forgive. After all, forgiveness does not consist in the phrase: “I forgive you.” True forgiveness means forgetting the offense, as well as the situation that provoked it, never reminding, and certainly not reproaching, your spouse for the past. Not every beautiful woman is capable of this. Therefore, before making any decision, you should find out whether the “sufferer” can sincerely forgive the traitor. If not, then you should not save the relationship, as this will lead to an even more difficult, emotionally, breakup. It’s better to let go and give yourself a favorable chance to become happy. The issue of trust is also relevant. The wife forgave her husband who had been on a spree. For some time everything is fine, but suspicions slowly begin to eat away from the inside every time he is detained at work or meeting with friends. It also fails to strengthen the family bond. Mistrust will either lead to regular scandals caused by the spouse, or to her nervous breakdown.
What to do if your husband cheats, how to behave
If a woman nevertheless decides, then she needs to prepare for a difficult and painstaking daily work. To survive a painful situation and emerge victorious, first of all, you need to learn to take control of your emotions. You cannot constantly remind your spouse of his betrayal. Blackmail is also not the best way to keep your husband and revive former passion. You shouldn't expect instant results. Therefore, you should be patient.
Psychologists say “no” to hysterics and screaming at home. If it becomes unbearable, then there are forests, parks and any other nature. You should also keep a diary, which will temporarily become the closest friend who knows all the woman’s pain. It can describe everything you have experienced, emotions and feelings, which helps you continue to live and smile. The problem will gradually go away with each subsequent reading of your notes.
Every time you feel the urge to yell at your spouse or insult him, you need to go to another room or do something to distract yourself. For example, you can meet with close friend. Just don’t turn communication with her into an endless discussion of your husband.
In addition, it is recommended to revive a former hobby or come up with another exciting activity that will charge you with positive energy. In addition to this, you should come up with a punishment for yourself for any negativity. For example, you can build a piggy bank and throw a coin of a certain denomination into it with each outburst of anger. That is, I wanted to make a scandal, but I didn’t have the necessary coin. To find it, you need to go out into the street and exchange it. After this, you will no longer want to swear.
What to do and how to behave if your husband cheats? As we struggle with our own negative emotions, it is necessary to direct energy to changing yourself. It is necessary to engage not only in external transformation, but also in mental one. Updating your wardrobe, changing your hairstyle, looking for a new look will effectively distract you from sad thoughts, increase your self-esteem and give you confidence.
What should I do to prevent my husband from cheating? You should not refuse your spouse intimacy. A woman, thinking that she is punishing him with her refusal, actually makes it clear to her husband that she does not want to understand and forgive him.
All of the above methods are suitable when a man has made a mistake and repents of it. But if there are serious reasons to believe that the spouse will dodge and cheat regularly, then what is the point in maintaining such a relationship?! For what? For the sake of the children? So it will only be worse for children in a family where there are no moral principles, all moral guidelines are trampled upon, where there is no mutual understanding and love between spouses, where there is no warmth. For the sake of an apartment or a family business? So this is also not an argument. The mental health of families and children does not cost any money.
There is no single answer to the question: what to do if your husband cheats and does not confess. After all, every woman is individual, just as betrayal itself has its own specific features. The only general advice that can be given to absolutely all ladies who have experienced infidelity by their other half is that one should not take adultery As a personal tragedy, there is no need to blame yourself for the betrayal of your spouse and look for flaws in your own appearance or character. After all, any problems can be solved together, and taking the path of infidelity was entirely his choice.
And in general, if such a question has already arisen, it means that the girl who posed it is still more inclined to forgive the traitor; she does not want to present him to her mistress for eternal use. Because when a lady is self-sufficient and independent, such a question will not even arise in her head. After all, if infidelity was the result of a mistake, and a man still sincerely loves his wife, then he will do everything possible to return her favor. If he doesn’t love you, then there’s no point in saving your family.
Statistics say that out of ten, nine representatives of a strong part of the population were unfaithful to their spouses at least once during their family life. Of course, every young lady would like that one faithful “mammoth” to be her husband. But what if this is not so, what if I found out that my husband is cheating, what should I do in this case?
First of all, don't panic. After all, nine out of ten women I know have also experienced the infidelity of a dear person. And most of them live happier lives than before.
So, first of all, to overcome the emotional devastation from betrayal, you will need a cold mind. Therefore, you should try to calm down. There are no accidents in the lives of individuals. The purpose of any event is personal development. Therefore, you need to understand what good can be extracted from the current circumstances. You should not assume that if you close your eyes or forget, the problem will disappear by itself. It will not happen. It should be realized that after the fact of infidelity became known, the woman’s life changed. And it depends only on her whether such transformations will be positive or carry a negative connotation. For example, if a woman and a man are not connected by love, they live like strangers connected by a common life, then the fact of betrayal should be perceived as a chance to start a new life filled with love and joy.
In addition, the infidelity of a spouse increases the young lady’s resistance to stress. It can teach a girl sincere forgiveness, as a result of which she will no longer be burdened by the overwhelming burden of grievances. Also, betrayal can become an incentive for personal growth, and also guide a woman on the path of self-development.
What to do if your husband wants to cheat
All psychologists are unanimous in one thing: if a man decides to cheat, then it means that he has ceased to feel happy in his marriage, he has begun to lack something in the relationship. A loving and happy family man will never deliberately risk his relationship with his wife. He will value his family and will not follow animal instincts.
The reason for the husband’s desire to cheat may lie in the partners’ inability to create a harmonious relationship. In addition, often, after some time in a relationship, passion fades and everyday problems come first. In this case, men want to have a little romance on the side to get bright impressions. Usually such an adventure ends with internal devastation and disappointment, since a man’s family gives him a lot, starting from home comfort and ending with safe and regular intimate relationships. Also, in marriage, a man gets the opportunity to continue his family. Most representatives of the strong part of the population are well aware of all the advantages of family life, and therefore value relationships.
No matter how pleasant it may be to discuss pressing issues with your spouse, the basis of a marriage is still intimate relationships. Problems in the intimate life of the family will lead to the breakdown of the marriage. If a woman does not allow her husband to realize his innermost fantasies with her, then he will realize them with another lover.
What to do if your husband wants to cheat? Many will say that wanting and doing are two different things. Behind any thought there is, first of all, a desire, and behind the desire is the desire to make dreams come true. However, one should not think that his desire to spend the night with another lady is a disaster. Forewarned means forearmed, which means there is a real chance to prevent trouble.
Today it is quite difficult to be faithful, because it is not fashionable. In all sources of media, songs, films, books, you can notice hidden or overt propaganda open relationship, a call for betrayal, for seeking entertainment outside the family. In addition, it can be difficult for men to resist active provocations and seductions from a lovely employee or an acquaintance from the Internet. It should also be taken into account that men have a much richer imagination in intimate terms than women. To fuel their fantasy, they can watch porn films or correspond with strangers.
Thus, there is no need to fall into hysterics and throw a scandal when you find out that your spouse wants to change, but you also shouldn’t turn a deaf ear to his desire. It is necessary to act proactively. To this end, it is necessary to diversify not only intimate life, but also the domestic sphere. If it's gnawing, then it's worth hiding. It is unlikely that a man will want to return to a house where regular scandals, tears and reproaches await him. With such behavior, a woman gives a man carte blanche to cheat.
What should you do to prevent your husband from cheating? You need to become more relaxed for your spouse and greet him in the evenings with a smile. The more comfortable and more interesting to a man will be at home, the less he will want to leave. But you should understand that comfort and buns alone will not keep a lustful “goat” from cheating. Therefore, you should not neglect intimacy as a weapon. The richer and brighter the emotions in intimate life, the greater the confidence that the husband will remain faithful. In addition, it is recommended to hug your husband more often and give him affection. A man should feel that he is loved at home.
The negative statement of the local psychologist about the supposedly invented male monogamy contradicts scientific data on this issue and is a very subjective attempt to express his personal rejection of this fact, which I find very unprofessional for a specialist psychologist who lacks competence and objectivity.
Maybe someone can help me with some advice? For the sake of a man, she went with him to another city and married him. I’ve known him for 10 years, been married for 1.5 years. And he likes to drink, it feels like he’s still in adolescence, the seriousness does not understand. A year later, the relationship became complicated, he repeatedly promised to stop drinking, but somehow he didn’t perceive it all, like “I’m still young, I’ll always have time.” I left and came back. And now I left for my hometown on business for 2 months. My husband came on vacation and found out that I was not going back, that I felt bad there. He decided to return to his hometown to me, and everything seemed to be decided, but a couple of days ago, when meeting with friends, he drank and cheated on me with my friend.. He told me the next day himself. Maybe my conscience was tormenting me, maybe I was afraid that she would tell me. Now he calls constantly, comes, tries to talk to everyone, promises to fix everything... But I don’t know what to do, about drinking, I also promised that the last time would be a hundred times. So what should we think? Maybe his tap will open now, I forgave him once - that means it’s possible. Or maybe he will really think about life and finally grow up.
Hello, S. Betrayal always comes into life unexpectedly and hits the most vulnerable place. We recommend that you come to terms with the idea that this happened and if the husband says that he will fix everything, then this means that he was not predisposed to cheating, but that everything happened spontaneously under the influence of alcohol.
I wonder how old you are? Sorry, but your message characterizes you in my eyes as an infantile, immature and naive person. Firstly, where did you get the idea that you went, as you write, for his sake? No, you went to achieve your goals - love, family, etc. Secondly, you knew him for 10 years, you write that he was not serious, liked to drink, etc. That is, you, knowing all this, married him! So why? Well, since they finally came out, why are you surprised now? If you hoped that he would change, then you are very naive. It seems that you and your husband are a couple of naive, infantile people. What will help? Self-education, reading good literature and watching videos on the Internet on this topic, and visiting a family relations psychologist would be the best help. Yes, this is not easy work on yourself, but this is the only thing that could help you for a long time.
Let the man speak too. I well understand the reaction of women, and those who are offended, to such male behavior - the vast majority of women have no idea about male nature, or it is perverted. Moreover, he has no desire to understand. For women, everything is simple - cheating means betraying, you bastard. But most often everything is not as simple as it looks. All problems come from ignorance and misconceptions. It’s a shame that the respected madam psychologist does not understand the issue from a scientific point of view, she judges very biasedly, considering male polygamy a fairy tale. Meanwhile, there is a very serious science of “evolutionary psychology” that explains the sexual behavior of the sexes, including polygamy. According to this science, gender conflict is programmed genetically and is based on conflicting strategies for procreation. This is a big topic, but without understanding the deep cause-and-effect relationships, the evolutionary prehistory of the sexes, we are doomed to misunderstanding and, as a result, to conflicts and suffering. Let's patiently learn the materiel together. Science is of great help to us here.
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If you don’t like a man this way and that way, then why continue the relationship with him? You have one life, why are you wasting it on such a man and not finding someone more suitable for yourself?
I read your stories, girls, and realized that there is no need to doubt that the grave will fix the hunchback. Once you have decided to get a divorce, you need to go through with it. My only advice to those who recently found out about their husband’s infidelity is that you still have a chance to save your family. Don’t attack from the shoulder, don’t disperse right away, forgive the traitor. But when, after a couple of years, you are convinced that you are living with pathological liar, with an animal, with an eternal teenager who only wants to have fun and does not want to take responsibility for children and healthy relationships in the family, then there is no need to doubt it, get a divorce without regrets. But in this way you will avoid doubts. Divorce is already a difficult thing, and if you also doubt the correctness of the choice, then it is three times as difficult. 5 years ago, with three small children in my arms, I accidentally caught my husband with an accountant from his work. It was terrible! Due to a nervous breakdown, my milk disappeared, gray strands and interruptions in the functioning of the heart began. I am still shaking from my husband’s cynicism and indifference. All the years I loved him selflessly and forgave his small, random affairs, but I couldn’t bear his real passion. I was on the verge of suicide, but he only pushed me towards it, mocked me, beat me, and said that with three children I couldn’t escape. If we had separated then, I would probably still have loved him and felt sorry for him, and with three kids we would have existed in poverty with me sick and morally crushed. But I endured all the bullying, became healthy again, both physically and mentally, I even managed to fix my husband, he gives me money, he doesn’t hit me anymore, though he still goes out and about, the kids have grown up, life has improved, but my husband has become disgusting to me. Last year I listened to my feelings and was finally convinced that I did not love my husband and even hated him. I want to divorce him. Now the problem is that he doesn't want to. I’ve been trying to convince him for six months now that I’m not joking and that I haven’t forgiven him for anything. If only he had asked for forgiveness and fulfilled some of the promises he once made, then perhaps I wouldn’t have divorced him, in principle, I don’t care, we can continue to live in the same apartment, but my husband thinks that he is a man, and a man is always right and does not ask for forgiveness. And I became independent and self-sufficient, I use it exclusively for intimacy.
I have been married for 40 years, have two children, and grandchildren. In the first year life together I intuitively discovered secret correspondence with a previous woman. Being pregnant with my first child, I found out about my husband’s infidelity at work with a co-worker, in my absence at work, he brought his girlfriend and slept with her in my bed, then it went on and on - business trips, then drinking with an overnight stay at work, then a friend-boss gave the key from his office for comfort with lonely, much older than her husband employees, and this continues to this day. She saved him from rectal cancer and nursed him after surgery. For his statements about his infidelities, he beat me, damaged furniture, dishes, everything that fell into my hands flew at me..... The positive aspects of him - he loves children, helps them, loves his grandchildren. they love him too. If only I had listened to the first signals unhappy marriage in those distant young years, I would never have married this man. People say she’s beautiful, talented, energetic, kind, faithful, a good housewife, but she’s unhappy. We live in the same apartment, but we’re complete strangers to each other. I myself ruined my life, throwing it under the feet of a scoundrel.
Good afternoon. Need some advice. Tell me what to do. I don't want to lose my family. I just found, 11 years after an unsuccessful marriage, a daughter 11 years old from her first marriage. Last year I got married and gave birth to a child. A wonderful son. We live in a spacious, nice apartment that we are going to take out a mortgage in a couple of months. My husband and I dated briefly before marriage. It was a beautiful, romantic relationship, I believed in happiness with him. After being alone for a long time, I really wanted to be with him. Although there were moments that made me wonder whether it was worth starting a family with him. He, too, was alone for a long time, lives in a resort town where mass celebrations take place every night in the summer. He was born and raised there where they disappear until the morning, lighting up the summer nights until the morning. He brought me right after giving birth. It was in the summer. All summer he disappeared at these festivities, either “to take the boy,” “to help the boy,” “to go to the bathhouse with the bros.” And he didn’t have the sense to help his wife. I was very angry. His cynical, cold attitude towards me killed me. There was no CS for 2 months of intimacy. This period was pure hell, I would have left him but there was nowhere, there was no way home, I lived with my parents and my mother warned me. He works in the North - 2 months at work, 1 month at home. I caught him texting with girls, he didn’t even wash them. He walked, often drank because he was partying. He is obsessed with parties. Friends are like family to him, probably only for some reason he treats his family, me, and his mother worse. But he never refuses to “lick his ass” to his friends. It came to the point of severe nervous breakdowns. I tried not to be nervous, but everything kept piling up and then I exploded. Cynical, selfish. At some points I realized that it was possible to go to clubs “to pick up chicks”, although there were no calls home on the site, they don’t write to him on VK. His behavior was infuriating. I’m home alone, after the c-section it was hard, the stitches hurt and I needed help. He didn’t care about anything. Summer is over, that's it, now he " good husband" But as I understand it, I haven’t forgiven him. Every time I remember everything to him: correspondence, drinking, partying, lies. He lied constantly. He says he’ll go to football at 7, I say I’ll go with him, he doesn’t take it, and then it turns out that football wasn’t at 7, but at 4. I think I hate him fiercely over the summer. It was a nightmare. I came back from my shift in the fall, the berths ran out. He stayed with me for 3 days, then he tried to leave the house, either hockey or football, he saw a dissatisfied face and did not dare, after a week he left and gradually was at home every other day. You can't change a person. I hate him, then I cool down and understand that he is needed. I can’t forgive or forget everything in my memory, but now I’ve caught her in a lie again. I fed him up over the summer with mistrust and wore myself out. Now he’s thinking about divorce, as he says, maybe it’s scary, but I’d be happy to. Because due to my character I cannot be with a liar and a traitor, it’s terrible. But he behaves as if everything is ok and he doesn’t consider himself to blame, and in the summer he helped me. I can’t leave - I have nowhere to go, and in material terms it’s unrealistic. I'm on maternity leave and when I go to work there is no one to sit with me. Left her parents with hometown for the sake of a man who will drink, party... it’s terrible. And he lies like he’s breathing. And I can’t take this constant swearing anymore. And I want to save my family, but... I hate him and love him, and then there’s the mortgage.
Fight fire with fire. It is necessary to change him. I'm pregnant now, I'm patient. After giving birth, this creature will not see me at home at all. I will have 3 lovers. Let him do somersaults with the children.
Good afternoon. Please help me figure it out. Together for 20 years. Married for 13 years. The child is 1.10. I found my husband’s love correspondence with a work colleague. He apologized, said it was a bad joke, and promised to stop. After 6 months I found out that he was sleeping with her. Left him. He asked me to forgive him, promised to stop everything, that he would regain my trust. We were together for a month. Two weeks later, I began to suspect him again, I watched and checked - I found confirmation of my feelings. He said that these are only my suspicions, they have nothing. I left and said that I wanted to take a break from everything that was happening and not think about it. I want to break up with him, but then doubts arise, maybe I’ll give him a chance. I'm starting to think that they really have love (she is married, three children). I don't want to disturb them. I forgave him for his betrayal, I cannot forgive the lies, the meanness, the cunning with which more than a year he convinced me what was in my head. Help with advice or to understand what is happening. Very close person for me. I want to make a decision.
Yesterday I found out that my husband took up his old ways two years ago, for 10 years of marriage, it sparked that my husband had a mistress, after a scandal and throwing out junk from the apartment, we calmly sat down and talked, and came to an understanding. In short, I forgave him, he tearfully said that this was the first and last time, I believed him. Two years without problems, we lived well, the relationship improved, but the trust lasted for a year. I periodically checked my computer and phones (trust but verify) over these two years I never reproached them. And now he swears again that he was only thinking, that he was just planning to, but it was a disappointment, and he behaves like a king on a name day. This is not treason, it didn’t happen. Well, that doesn't make it any easier for me. Now I have gone to an apartment with my children and decided to live separately. There is emptiness in my soul. The main argument is that, after all, men cheat. After all, then 10 years ago, something broke and could not be repaired, as if a gear had fallen out of the mechanism and everything was no longer working correctly. Somehow everything falls on my anniversary, maybe this is a sign that enough is enough. If it were easy to leave, I would probably leave, but I love him.
I have been married for 43 years. Married by mutual love and all the years they were happy. If my husband ever cheated, I didn’t notice. Two years ago, some of my female organs were removed, and a year ago my husband had a heart attack. Therefore, there was almost no intimacy, although sometimes once a week I somehow tried to satisfy him. But a month ago I found on my computer a photo of him and a prostitute in some room. And on the same day, when he came from the “bathhouse with friends,” I found the hotel bill for that day. Of course, the ground disappeared from under our feet. Moreover, he very reliably told how he spent time in the bathhouse. That night I took about 100 sleeping pills and almost passed out but I vomited and nothing happened. I didn’t show my husband that I knew. We went on vacation. And here it began" Honeymoon“I relaxed and enjoyed myself. But at times it starts to shake. There is no jealousy, but it’s so disgusting. We're returning home soon and I'm afraid that I might fall apart there. I understand the reason - he doesn’t want to grow old, he’s afraid that he won’t “stand up”, etc., what should I do? How much longer can I stand it and how will I know if he will go to prostitutes again?
Good afternoon, I looked through all your advice, and it turns out that I behaved as you advised, but there was no result. Background: We have been married for 27 years. Now I found out that my husband had a family and a child for 13 years. How all this was revealed, he doesn’t want to leave, he lies to me that he doesn’t communicate, doesn’t call, but the facts show everything the other way around. He doesn’t want to talk to me about this topic, he avoids the conversation, he sticks to me and doesn’t let me live, I try to break off the relationship, he forces me to return to my previous life and then communicates there in parallel. I do not know what to do. Maybe I’ll leave so that he’ll forget me. It was so convenient for him - he has a family here, the children have grown up, there are no problems with money, because basically I support the family, take care of his failing health, let him go on vacation twice a year, and for my money he takes his second family around and has fun. And I’m all at work, I don’t need to rest. It was my birthday recently - the result was a scandal - I drove him away from me - I received a gift in the form of bruises on my neck from strangulation. And if he goes to that family, he has to work. And I don’t know what to do…..
God. Darling. Yes, you drive him to hell. Live for yourself. You will earn money. And a person will appear who will appreciate you. And let it go on 4 sides. Have pity on yourself!
Lvrisa! Try to become a woman, you just switched roles with your husband. A man supports his family - this is the law throughout the world. Stop supporting him and that's it, if you want him to go away. First, think about what you want and decide. Go on vacation yourself.
A woman can feel a man's betrayal on a subconscious level. But sometimes it happens that a woman denies obvious signs, refusing to be honest even with herself. She doesn’t want to believe that her husband is cheating and lying, but at this time he needs to start doing something.
Signs of male infidelity
It is clear that all signs depend on the individuality of the man. If something unusual has appeared in his behavior, then you need to talk about it. Perhaps this discussion will immediately relieve you of unnecessary worries and suspicions.
At the same time, it is important to understand that the presence of signs is not 100% a fact of betrayal.
What to do if your husband cheats, but does not confess
If there is a fact (and not a guess) about betrayal, and the family needs to be saved, then you cannot accept quick solutions and give in to emotions. Also, you should not spy and force him to tell the truth; perhaps, after such revelations, you will no longer want to live with your spouse, constantly feeling guilty.
Peace of mind is the main factor in maintaining a marital relationship. Often, when a spouse does not admit to cheating, he says that he does not want to lose his family. Now the main task is to determine what prompts the spouse to cheat, what he lacks. To do this, you need to determine when a man feels loved.
There are 5 main love languages. These include:
- support;
- tactile influence (touching, stroking);
- useful time spent together, dedicated only to him and her;
- encouragement and gifts (not expensive, but as tokens of attention);
- help and care - making the bed, cleaning shoes, decorating dinner.
The fact is that in childhood a man felt that he was loved under certain circumstances. For example, a mother, coming home from work, hugged her son tightly, stroked his head, and he felt loved. In this case, love manifested itself in tactile contact. Parents may have used all 5 love languages, but one stood out and was valued more than the others.
When my wife was a child, her mother, when she came home, gave her a small toy, a treat, and so on, and she felt that she was loved. Her language is encouragement and gifts. It turns out that the wife, showing love, buys something for her husband, and he needs tactile contacts, the only way he feels loved.
Perhaps the other one gives what you need? Could it be that he needs so little to feel loved, and she just doesn’t understand this?
The language of love is determined by the happy moments at the stage of falling in love, when and how the spouse showed his feelings. This will be what he needs. If you give a man what he needs, he will have no reason to cheat and cheat.
How to behave after betrayal
If a man has betrayed you, you need to overcome the strong desire to remind you of this. Constant reproaches will not improve the relationship, but will only worsen it. Do not forget that in such situations both are to blame: she did not give something, and he found it in the company of another. A woman must learn to take care of herself and find the answer to what a man lacks in a relationship.
May be an excellent hostess, a caring wife, an excellent mother to their children, but at the same time greeting her husband from work in her great-grandmother’s old robe, tying her greasy hair in a thin ponytail at the back of her head.
Or you can look perfect like a doll, take care of yourself 24 hours a day, avoid spoiling your figure with pregnancy, and dine only in a restaurant. A man can be proud of such a woman, take him everywhere with him, but, after a while, find himself new doll, younger or more beautiful, or maybe the complete opposite - the one who will greet him from work with a delicious dinner, have a heart-to-heart talk, massage his tense shoulders.
Is it worth dating your mistress?
The answer to this question is unequivocal - in no case, unless she herself came. With such an act, a woman not only humiliates herself, but loses value in the eyes of a man. You can look at your mistress from the outside, but it won’t make it easier for anyone.
Would a man like this meeting to happen? What he will feel at the same time - anything, but definitely not love. If the husband left for someone else, it means that he is not satisfied with his woman. From meeting with her mistress, the wife will no longer satisfy her husband. You need to solve the problem with yourself, not with her.
To divorce or not?
This dilemma requires you to give yourself honest answers to the following questions:
- Do I live with him because no one else needs me?
- Would it be better for the children to at least have such a father?
- Does it mean he loves?
- What will I live on if I'm left alone? Who will provide?
If the answer is positive, the woman does not give herself a chance to experience happiness, but walks in a vicious circle and will not change anything. In this case, divorce is an option.
Sometimes addiction is mistaken for love. The difference is that during love addiction, a person holds on to the other, no matter what the cost. It seems that one cannot “live or breathe” without it. If a person loves, then he wishes his loved one happiness and is ready to let go if it is better for the loved one.
Man is not sinless and has the right to make mistakes. Having given a second chance to your lover, you should think about why this situation is needed, draw conclusions and work on yourself. This will help you avoid similar situations in the future and become better.
Is it worth forgiving betrayal and how to do it correctly?
When it comes to forgiveness, the answer is positive. great benefit, unlike the second option. Whether the couple stayed together or separated, harboring a grudge means causing harm to the body. Resentment entails psychosomatic diseases, including cancer.
You need to find a middle ground, love yourself and learn not to go to extremes.
Loving yourself does not mean becoming selfish. Love your body, don't overfeed it. Get used to the routine, go for walks fresh air. Take care of yourself, do exercises and make time for hobbies. As a result, self-esteem will rise and the attitude of others will change. Over time, it becomes clear why the man treated the woman this way.
The answer is simple: because I treated myself that way. Understanding this, anger and resentment go away, the woman becomes energetic and happy, and the people around her begin to be drawn to her. You need to look from the present moment to the future where everything has changed and move towards it. As a result, you can be grateful to your spouse for interrupting these boring monotonous everyday life and teaching you to be happy woman. This is one way of forgiveness.
Forgiveness must be earned
After betrayal, it is difficult for both spouses to live. She needs to forgive, and he needs to earn forgiveness. This is a labor-intensive process and requires two-way efforts. Now let the man prove in practice that he is worthy of trust. The slightest delay at work or a phone call will be a reason for suspicion. For this reason, it is simply necessary to follow the lead of women’s desires, behave openly, and warn about surprises in advance.
Gifts are a proven and easiest way. This is how a man “pays for his sins” and strokes his wife’s pride. Even if the betrayal was not discovered, the gift helps to drown out the feeling of guilt by resorting to some hardships in favor of the injured party.
The process of regaining trust is a necessary procedure. It is important to understand that this takes time. You cannot receive a gift and immediately forget the grievances. That a woman feels strong heartache- it can not be in any other way. Time will pass, and attitudes towards the fact of betrayal will change and smooth out.
How to return a man from his mistress to his family
Now that the husband is cheating and doesn’t hide it, he doesn’t have to lie and dodge, it’s time to decide whether something needs to be done to return him to the family.
What to do if your husband cheats and lies, doesn’t confess, doesn’t leave. How to learn, how to behave, how to teach a lesson - advice from a psychologist The first stage of life with a lover is addiction. He will see her in a robe, without makeup. She looked perfect before, but now it’s a different matter. She needs to fulfill marital duties, and these are not just bed pleasures. Sooner or later he will understand that she is not ideal either. Domestic problems will begin with the ensuing consequences.
Of course, it happens the other way around, but, according to statistics, 80% of cases of care occur according to the same specific scenario.
When he no longer needs to win a mistress, he got what he wanted, the hunter’s grip weakens along with interest in the new woman.
Whether the husband returns home or not depends on the wife’s decision and the work she has to do on herself. If a woman behaved calmly, found reasons for periodic meetings, was a friend or even a relative, supported and listened, this is a victory.
An important condition is to work on yourself. This is a routine, taking care of your health, walking, free time not for the intoxication of depression, but for going to the theater. Of course, you need to stay in this state for some time, to survive, but it is important to switch in time and not get “stuck.” If you can’t cope on your own, then the help of a psychologist or visiting church and talking with a priest is a huge support in dealing with grief.
Such a lifestyle change has a positive effect on self-esteem, which attracts the attention of the opposite sex.
If your husband cheats but doesn't leave
Having considered some statistical facts, you can understand what to do if your husband cheats and lies, but does not want to leave the family.
“Discover” the woman in yourself. What is women's mission? What distinguishes her from a man?
- A woman’s strength in weakness is not an empty hackneyed phrase, but wisdom. Behind strong woman she doesn’t want to look after her, carry her in her arms, she worries, she herself is ready to stand up for a man;
- A woman should be well-groomed, with a clean body, hair, clothes, shoes, updated haircut, light makeup;
- Creating comfort in the home is also a woman’s mission. If you don’t have self-confidence, you should turn to a designer for help, or better yet develop these skills. Paintings, vases, sculptures, house plants, decorative candles - these are the things that make a home cozy and desirable;
- Finding common ground with a man is in your interests.
The likelihood of cheating depending on the age of the man. Statistical data
If the marriage is initially built on love, but there are irrefutable facts adultery, you should not make hasty decisions. If he doesn’t confess and doesn’t leave the family, it means there are still feelings that are holding him back.
If the husband cheats on his pregnant wife
If a husband cheats and lies to his pregnant wife, then he may simply be afraid of intimacy with a woman who has a child inside, does not want to harm and does not know what to do. It has been statistically proven that most men, during sexual intercourse with a pregnant woman, visualize the fetus and cannot think about anything else.
This contributes to a loss of interest in the spouse as a sexual partner. In this case, a woman needs to diversify her intimate life, introduce innovations, and make it genuinely interesting for both parties.
What to do if there are threats of pregnancy failure, when doctors do not recommend that a woman even experience a state of arousal? In this case, you need to talk with your husband, tell him: “How painful it would be if, in addition to complications, you find out about cheating...”. It is worth reminding of this, which will help you make the right decision in an ambiguous situation.
To save a marriage, you must try to hide the fact that you are aware of the betrayal., pay attention to yourself and remind your spouse that after the birth of the child, she will also love her husband very much. It has long been proven that the forbidden fruit is sweet.
If a woman follows appearance and flirt with your spouse, then after abstinence the feelings will flare up with renewed vigor and become even stronger. To maintain a calm relationship, it is necessary to sublimate impulsiveness into creativity, which also develops and raises self-esteem.
Three real women's stories about revenge for betrayal
Svetlana, 22 years old
I learned about the betrayal from a friend who saw Igor (Svetlana’s husband) in a supermarket in the arms of another girl. Starting from that day, Katya (Svetlana’s friend) carefully monitored her friend’s husband and reported on his actions.
This development of events entailed sad events. Svetlana was waiting for her husband from work, counting the minutes of being late. For the first 2 days, the girl tried to cope with her emotions and pretend that nothing was happening, she tried to give herself time and come up with an action plan to keep her husband. The tension accumulated and required release.
One evening, greeting her husband from work, Svetlana could not resist and splashed out her emotions. She screamed, cried, swore. Igor sincerely pretended that he did not understand what was going on, but now you couldn’t deceive Svetlana, she knew too much about her unfaithful husband thanks to her faithful and caring friend. The young wife showed Igor the door and said that she would never be able to forgive the betrayal.
That same evening she went to a party and took revenge on her husband in his own way with best friend Igor.
A month later, the resentment was still strong, but the pain from the betrayal began to subside. Now the whole court was talking about Svetlana’s new relationship, and, of course, the information did not escape her traitorous husband.
Imagine the surprise when Svetlana witnessed the dialogue:
“Igor, my love, she’s been fooling you with this “friend” for a long time. And I told you that she is such a little thing!
- Katya, I’m sorry, but we will never have anything. Understand, I never loved you, our relationship has no future!
Svetlana gritted her teeth and walked past her “friend.” She didn't know what to do. The fact of Katerina’s betrayal and selfish plan was obvious, but not Igor’s. The young couple's relationship was destroyed. Whether they can be restored - time will tell. But Svetlana gained invaluable experience.
Christina, 48 years old
I lived with my next 3rd husband for 2 years. First there was falling in love, then came the everyday routine. Christina was a good housewife. She cooked deliciously, maintained perfect cleanliness and comfort in the house, however, she sorely lacked time for herself. The time has come, and the husband began to look at his new employee. She, for her part, tried to look perfect, and they began a romantic relationship.
Having learned about her husband's betrayal, Christina was furious. That same evening she kicked out her husband and firmly decided that married life was not for her. Once again everything happens according to the same scenario, but she tried so hard, everything was for him. The revenge didn't stop there. Arriving at her husband’s work, the woman caused a scandal and got the pretty employee fired.
Having turned to a psychotherapist for help, Christina realized that until she loved herself, no man would love her. The ex-husband could have a delicious meal and be in a cozy apartment with his mother, but he simply did not want to spend time accompanied by his wife, who had neglected her appearance.
Christina suddenly felt sorry that she had done this to her husband’s employee. After all, if it weren’t for her, someone else would have been found. Now she understood the degree of her responsibility for what happened and, after 6 months, she opened her heart to a new relationship.
Maria, 28 years old
Maria comes from a very influential and wealthy family. She was used to wasting money and believed that money could afford anything her heart desired. The time has come to think seriously about family life, settle down, and have a child or two.
Masha was a vulgar young lady, she allowed herself to swear obscenely and abuse alcohol.
To the surprise of her parents, she met a fairly cultured and educated guy. They fell passionately in love with each other, and these feelings influenced the personality of the young woman. The girl completely gave up drinking alcohol, and her docile and compliant behavior gradually became the norm. Friends saw her like this for the first time in her life.
The girl SPENT all the money on her chosen one, gave him expensive gifts, and allowed her to live at her expense.
The beloved sat at home and minded his own business. Namely, he sat at the computer all day and took his friends to her apartment. Having learned from her neighbors the reality of reality, Maria decided, no matter what it took, to take revenge on the traitor. She couldn’t understand how she, so rich and beautiful, could be shared with someone else.
Maria kicked out the gigolo and started drinking again. She started this rumor about ex-lover, after which not a single woman he knew looked in his direction without a grin.
The scary thing is that before meeting Maria, the guy had never allowed himself to behave like this. He was a modest man from a poor family who had to save on everything to pay for his university studies. Even fashionable clothes, in which he sometimes went to parties, had to be borrowed from friends. Those modest gifts that he initially tried to give to the woman he loved were not appreciated.
Attempts to get a job and take care of her family caused Maria only a categorical refusal and misunderstanding. Having tasted rich life, the guy could not resist the temptation and succumbed to the influence of Maria. The result is two broken destinies and distrust of the opposite sex.
But the bottom line is that everyone has their own mission. A man is a breadwinner, a woman is a housewife. When choosing a person not from your circle, you need to be prepared to refuse familiar image life.
How to stop your spouse from cheating
You shouldn’t think that only someone else’s husband is capable of cheating and lying, this can happen to anyone. But if you try to do something, then the chances of not being deceived increase significantly.
10 best advice for women:
- Take care of your appearance, be feminine;
- Be a good housewife, maintain cleanliness and comfort;
- From time to time give the opportunity to conquer yourself;
- Strive for development, read, visit cultural events. It may seem that this fact has nothing to do with the desire for infidelity, however, it affects a woman’s self-esteem and the attitude of others;
- Find common interests and always be a friend you can trust;
- Determine your spouse’s love language (under what circumstances does he understand that he is loved) and make him feel loved, and therefore happy;
- Be yourself with your loved one and accept him as he is. If you start pretending, you will have to wear this mask all the time, and the falseness is felt on a subconscious level;
- Give him the opportunity to feel like a man. Don't try to be strong and omnipotent;
- The stronger the control, the more you want to get rid of it or break the rules;
- Temporary deprivation of what you want entails desire achievements.
Cheating on a spouse is a difficult ordeal for every woman. But it is important to remember that, having despaired, without taking any action, without developing a strategy for future life, to restore psychological condition, it will never be possible to live and feel the same way as before.
Useful videos about the signs of male infidelity and what a woman should do