It's better not to interfere in my life. What do the people who interfere in your life really need? When you find a good job

Our record holders for inappropriate questions and advice are taxi drivers. They are experts in everything from the president's policies to hungry African children. And when it comes to you personally, they are especially perspicacious: after asking a couple of questions, they will immediately determine what you lack for happiness. In any situation, they have a story from personal experience. In general, it is better not to mess with taxi drivers, keep silent or answer in monosyllables, transfer the topic to dug up roads and a shortage of medical masks. But here everything is not so difficult: after a couple of blocks you will leave the annoying interlocutor.

It is much more difficult when a close person acts as an uninvited psychologist. It is difficult to adequately answer your own grandmother, who wants only good, and not offend her. And it is necessary to maintain warm and trusting relationships in the family at all costs. So what to do? How do you answer questions if you don't even want to hear them? We asked psychologist Evgenia Khokhlatova to help us find answers to the most common embarrassing questions that every girl hears from her relatives.

When will you get married?

"Next year for sure." The proximity of the date will reassure relatives, and next year you can shrug and say: "There is no one to marry yet! But next year - for sure!"

You are pregnant? Why then do you have a fever, cough, diarrhea, red eyes and an abscess on your heel? She's definitely pregnant!

Usually such questions are asked with annoying regularity, so you just need to learn how not to react and answer as calmly as possible: "No, I'm not pregnant." And you need to deny it, even if you are actually pregnant. Because you wouldn't want your mother to know about the upcoming grandson in the context of your cough and abscesses?

When will we have grandchildren?

This question is very delicate, but, unfortunately, most relatives do not even suspect what pain they can cause by asking it. In any case, it is better to answer: "Not yet." And it doesn't matter what you mean - the physical, psychological or financial aspects of the case.

When to give birth?

This question sometimes causes us a lot of discomfort. Even if we know the exact date of birth, we do not always want even the closest relatives to know it. Therefore, it is best to answer this question vaguely: “I don’t know the date, doctors say, closer to the end of the month.”

When for the second, third, girl?

"We'll see how it goes". And who can name the exact dates? Nobody. Everything is the will of the Almighty.

Why do you need a dog, a cat, hamsters, you can’t give birth to a child?

Here you can add rigidity. What is hello - such is the answer, as they say. "The dog, cat and hamsters can be left at home alone, fed with dry food and closed at night on the balcony so that they do not interfere with sleep. And the child is too big a responsibility for me." Well, if you basically can’t offend the questioner, it’s better to answer: “Just on a dog, cat, hamsters, I train to be responsible and take care of little cute creatures.”

How is your ex-husband doing?

Here the situation is twofold. If you and your husband parted amicably and your relatives treat him normally, then this question should not cause you negativity. But if the husband betrayed you, left you, went to another and does not pay alimony, then it is better to reassure the relatives with the answer: “I don’t know. I hope it’s bad.” Because even if you sincerely wish him well and tell your family about it, a long noisy argument with explanations will begin, and this is exactly what we are trying to avoid.

When will you find a good job?

Sometimes it is difficult to understand what relatives mean by "normal" work. It might just be worth checking with them. But if you still consider your job normal and the salary suits you, it is better to explain this to your relatives once and for all. But in the event that you are interrupted by rare freelance work, it is really difficult to call it normal. "I send out resumes every day, apparently, my place in a cool company is still being prepared for me" - something like this answer should satisfy relatives. At least the first three times.

How much money do you make?

This is where it's difficult. Until you announce specific numbers, you are unlikely to be left behind. And any numbers may not be to someone's liking - either too little or too much. Therefore, it is better to give an answer with the maximum spread: "It comes out in different ways, from 100 to 200 thousand tenge. Month after month does not fall." It is even more difficult when they are interested in the husband's income. Here you walk on the edge of a knife, risking the wrath of both your relatives and your husband. It is better to answer: "I do not know, but we have enough."

What did you spend all your money on? You are living beyond your means!

This question arises in two cases: if your parents help you financially or are aware of all your expenses. It is better, of course, if you do not know and do not help. In any case, the answer is: "I read books about the family budget and try to plan expenses correctly. But it doesn't always work out."

Why do you need a robot vacuum cleaner and a dishwasher?! Aren't you ashamed to hire a housekeeper, give her your money? We used to do everything ourselves, and nothing, everyone had time and did not complain.

"I work a lot and I need a normal rest. I'd rather work extra time and pay for cleaning than earn little, but do everything myself. Now is a different time and it's a sin not to use new technologies and the services of professionals."

Why did you ruin your skin?(About piercing, tattoos, tattooing)

Our relatives over 50 cannot and do not want to perceive that "my body is my business", and this phrase can make them very angry. A very large number of young people hide tattoos and piercings, if they have not made them in prominent places. But if the relatives bewilderedly saw the "zekovsky portak" and "rings like a bull", it is better to repent and blame everything on your youth and immaturity. "I'll grow up - I'll bring it down, don't worry. Now everything is removed with a laser. But so far I like it that way."

Why don't you hold your tongue?

You need to understand that fasting is not a diet. And with the most serious face to answer: "I'm not ready yet. You have to prepare mentally for this and not in one year." It is possible that you still have to listen once again to the longest moralizing in your life - just accept it.

"Come to me, Glafira,
I messed up alone.
Bring a piece of cheese
We'll eat it together"

How many times do we say ourselves and hear this phrase from others: "Don't get into my personal life!"

concept privacy(privacy, English - solitude, the sphere of private life, to which access is closed to outsiders) has become a barrier, delimiting, separating and alienating. I am not a supporter of mixing everything up, but it seems that the roots of the sociological tree (analogous to the genealogical one) lie here, the tree, the branches of which are getting shorter, and the foliage has not been enriching the space with oxygen for a long time. This is important and needs to be addressed.

People disconnect because it's trendy. This complex of an unbalanced teenager, who believes that life is only for him and for him, and everyone else does not understand anything and, in general, they went out for a walk.

Remember the film "For Family Reasons", there, too, everyone sought their own truth, everyone considered themselves offended by their own relatives, and stubbornly did not want to admit tyranny. Life unites everyone, and death too, but it is better to understand the issues of self-esteem - your need and independence even during your lifetime. Because, as the song goes:

"Better to be full than hungry
Better to live in peace than in malice
Better to be needed than free
I know this for myself!"

By pushing away loved ones, not letting them into the space of our personal life, we deprive them of the opportunity to live our life with us, to sympathize, empathize, participate in the events that are happening to us. We keep imagining idle tongues, gossip, the collapse of plans, hopes, and who knows what horrors ... horrors)) And the fact that old parents have nothing else to live with, except for us, their children and grandchildren? And what about the question "how are you, friend?" we brush off a friend with a blurry "okay" ? After all, relatives so express their desire to be closer, to be with us. It happens subconsciously sometimes, but still it is the most significant, the most intimate thing for them. Their life accounts with successes and achievements are not directed at you, they need you as an essential part of their own world, you are the composition of the air they breathe, you are the density of the foundations that hold them, you are relatives, relatives, friends, children, husbands and wives are the essence of the essence of their existence. And this, which has already become habitual, shrugging off the participation of relatives, estrangement from the care of loved ones, eventually grows isolation complexes in a person: it seems that he lives among people, but he is nobody's and nobody's. Probably, this is how the weed sprouts, making the once well-groomed crop wild and unpleasant.

Recently, in a conversation at work, I gave birth to one phrase: "a photographer without self-esteem, like a man without eggs." Self-esteem - that's the point of the points. But it is in the profession that self-esteem is needed to separate the wheat from the chaff, but in everyday life, in life, everything is different. Or has a person become so secretive, or has his little world become so significant that now this person, for the sake of his personal, is ready to give up the universal big? Another wife, even hearing the same joke for the thousandth time, forces herself to smile at her husband, because together they are one whole, they are connected by the commonality of their life, and not by trifles of momentary significance in front of each other.

In a word, do not exchange for trifles yourself and do not exchange your loved ones and relatives.

"... Come to me, Glafira,
Inadvertently, inadvertently
Bring a piece of cheese
What is tea without cheese?
You are two pieces of sausage,
And I'll find butter.
In our time alone
Do not live, keep in mind ... "

Statuses "people climb, without hesitation, into someone else's life" - of course, not about something positive. Nevertheless, they will help to display the real side of life.

Some have completely lost their human form.

Hey girl, you don't fit into my overall picture of the world, so please go somewhere far away!
It only takes one *time to disappear from your life, as it immediately becomes wonderful!
Having bad people around is just as bad as having bad habits.
If something always goes wrong in your life, believe me, I definitely have nothing to do with it.
I live the way I want, and everything else is on my drum!
Anyway, I'll be the winner. You know, I'm not used to losing at all.
The biggest misconception is to always do everything right.
I do not live in the past, I immediately forget the offense. Therefore, all your phrases will not bring me any harm.
Time will pass and everything will be forgotten. Only the result will be visible. Believe me.
I don't need you, so you can go all four ways!
You know, I loved even your flaws. And you did it like this:
I don't care about my flaws. I'll be happy with them too :D
I will not say that I am not like everyone else. Same, but much better.
I do not need excessive modesty. I'll just ask you to shut your mouths if I need to!
You ruined everything yourself. It meant that you didn't need me anymore. I don't want to overthink anything.
Tomorrow may never come. And you scatter such words!
When I feel bad, I usually sit alone, and when it's good, all my friends stick around. Question: why do I need them at all?
Only time will tell who was a true friend and who just wanted to get to know you better.
You are not a friend, you are just a gap. From which gossip is heard.
If you start pleasing people just so that they love you, there will not be enough time.
Just because I can laugh at myself doesn't mean you have to laugh at me too...
There are not many friends. And most of the time, they don't exist at all.
People who know how to live better! Do you really have nothing to do?
If you suddenly decide to go on a diet, the worst thing is to justify yourself to those who knew about this very diet ...
Dear, I know who a real woman is, and who a real man is, I also know.
Sometimes passers-by are much kinder and more merciful than the best, it would seem, friends.

Stop "interpreting" my actions. It's time to come to terms with the fact that I just live for myself

Everyone claims that they don't want to know anything about someone else's life. Nevertheless, everyone follows each other on social networks: the status is about people, those who climb into life.

You don't need to compare me to anyone. And you don't even need to get into my life.
He's mine, period. And I don't care what your opinion is.
Life is one, and I'm not going to waste it pleasing all of you.
It's so cool to realize that you live for yourself and not trying to please someone.
Or maybe I don’t want to earn millions, I don’t want to achieve the most handsome guy, and I don’t even want to lose weight either!
I'm real, you know? I will never keep silent if something really worries me!
If you think that I want to please you, then you are very, very wrong!
I don't believe in luck, I don't gossip, I don't smile falsely. Only you losers do that.
Your trouble is what you say when no one asks you!
You need to take a sober look at things. And if you are a poop man, then you don’t have to blame someone else for this.
I will endure whims only if I have a child. And I will not tolerate them from guys or girlfriends.
Take your eyes off your smartphones and understand: life exists regardless of likes on Instagram.
Don't worry about what I wear, what time I come home, and who I love...
You know, I don't listen to your advice for one simple reason: I don't want to be like you!
Your gossip, of course, is all entertaining, but there is a very big difference between reality and your imagination.
You'd better go read a book or something instead of sorting out my personal life ...
In order to have a lot of money, the mind is not particularly needed. But self-confidence - yes, it is necessary.
You are all ordinary people to me. I don't want to spoil my opinion of you, that's why I don't listen to what you say!
There are so many gossips about me that it is no longer interesting to listen to them ...

It is a pity that there are no instructions for life

Statuses “please don’t interfere in my life” - if you have no choice but to express your indignation. Remember that it can always be done beautifully!

Happiness can only be your own. And you don't have to look at someone else!
Whoever I want, I'm friends with. Finally I figured it out!!!
You can think of me what you want. As long as it doesn't bother me, of course...
The difference between me and you is that I don't pay attention to a person's past. I care more about his present.
Making sense of your life is much easier. But to start acting in your own - now this is already more difficult!
Instead of telling gossip about me, you would go to work and get a job for me. Could even find a normal man :D.
I really achieved everything honestly. And I don't care if you believe it or not.
Few people can sincerely admire, help, say "thank you". But those people who do this, know that you are the best.
I would like this world to be better, but I feel like killing all those who say at least one bad word about me: D.
The best advice I've ever heard is to forget all advice and live your life the way you want to.
Have the courage to make a choice. And he didn't even try to please anyone!
Hey, you, yes, you, what are you telling everyone about me? You know my number, call and tell me personally.
To anyone who says that I'm somehow not like that, I advise you to just knock your head against the wall a little. You can do a lot!
You can't know how I'll be better off just because you were never me.
Don't forget that while you're talking about me, your husband, your children, and your life also need attention.
Thank you, of course, for such attention to my person, but I'll figure it out somehow without you.
Remember, you need to pay attention to your life too. And not just follow someone else.
Why do you think I'll let myself be advised? I don't even let my mom get close to me.
I will deal with my problems, you do not worry the main thing there. Don't worry too much.
I know my life is quite interesting. Just don't make up extra stories for her.
I am often told, they say, behave this way or that way, otherwise what people will think. So I'll tell you that I don't care. What will they think.
I just don't see the point in what you're saying. That's why I don't worry too much about it.
Hmm. I would be sorry to spend so much time discussing someone. Even if you love yourself :D
Please, I beg you, make your life a little more interesting. Maybe at least then stop climbing into mine!
It's not all that bad. So many people envy me!
I'm not ready to just blame myself for anything. Especially in the fact that you came up with yourself there.
I'm not going to prove anything to you. And not because you are wrong, but I am right, but because I simply do not need it.

Statuses "don't meddle in my life" will help get rid of ill-wishers in social networks.

A person feels best in this world when his innate properties are correctly developed in childhood, and also when these properties are fully realized in adulthood. In case of incorrect development or lack of implementation, the same properties appear with a minus sign. It is impossible to do this without realizing their properties and desires, because the desire to be good for everyone, even to the detriment of their own realization and life, will still return them to a situation where their personal boundaries will be violated...

You are outraged to the core by indiscreet questions: “Why are you still not married (not married)?” or “Did you already have something with him? Did you kiss?" Or authoritative advice spoils the mood: “You are already thirty - it’s time to think about children!”.

Well, who cares? This is my personal life!

Or you always have to do something that you didn't intend to do at all. Instead of quietly cleaning the house on the weekend, you have to go skiing, then “fun” at a party. And you can't refuse, you're uncomfortable!

What to do if people invade your privacy all the time, violate your plans and even manipulate? There is only one thing left - to learn to defend and protect personal boundaries. But how? At Yuri Burlan's training "Systemic Vector Psychology", students begin to clearly understand how to do this. When they really need to be protected, and when too vigilantly guarded personal space makes our life bleak and lonely.

Right to privacy

Borders really need to be protected. For example, when they ask tactless questions about personal life or, moreover, about intimate relationships. Under no circumstances should you fall for these provocations. Intimate life between lovers or spouses really concerns only the two of them and should not be the property of others. Even if it is a close friend or mother.

After all, letting a third person into a relationship between two, we lose intimacy and trust in a couple. And splashing emotions with a friend or parents, we take them away from the person to whom they were intended and who caused them, and we cannot build a strong emotional connection that binds the couple for many years.

too soft people

Why is it easy for some people to stop an insolent person who unceremoniously invades personal space, to answer “no” to an uncomfortable request, in extreme cases, to laugh it off, while others, despite all their attempts, do not succeed?

All people are different, but the most vulnerable in terms of personal boundaries are most often people with an anal-visual bundle of vectors. It is difficult for them to refuse another person, to insist on their opinion, so they are easily amenable to various manipulations. It is they who often receive advice from psychologists about the need to build personal boundaries, protect their personal space and learn to say “no”.

A person feels best in this world when his innate properties are correctly developed in childhood, and also when these properties are fully realized in adulthood. In case of incorrect development or lack of implementation, the same properties appear with a minus sign. People with an anal-visual bundle of vectors in this case are easily influenced, often behave as shy and insecure.

For example, all cultured people know to share. But what to do when they come to you at any time and behave like at home? These kind and gentle people cannot refuse, and then they suffer and worry. It seems that they really need to put a boundary: "when I'm kind, and when I'm not." But how to do it?

It is impossible to do this without realizing their properties and desires, because the desire to be, even to the detriment of their own realization and life, will still return them to a situation where their personal boundaries will be violated.

Stop: personal boundaries!

Owners and vectors are especially sensitive to violation of personal boundaries. The former are by nature individualists. It was they who came up with the protection of private property and personal space, because these are their values. They perceive the violation of personal boundaries very painfully and are perfectly able to protect them. It is easiest for them to refuse another person if this does not coincide with their understanding of the benefit-benefit.

The latter are also extremely sensitive to intrusions into personal space, but for other reasons. A sound engineer likes to think, to concentrate his thought. This gives him pleasure. And for this he needs silence and solitude. Ideally, when the sound engineer has his own room in the house, his own personal space, where others should not intrude without permission.

The soundman also does not like advice about when he should get married and have children and, in general, be like everyone else, because he feels like a unique person, far from everyday problems. The desire of others to direct him into the mainstream of philistine life with its cycle of "work - family" is regarded as pressure, as an attempt to interfere in personal life.

To feel the desire for this, the sound engineer must realize his desires for the knowledge of himself and other people. Then he will not need to be forced to live a "normal" life - he himself will want it. The filling of sound desires awakens interest in life in all its manifestations.

How to protect yourself from invasion of personal space and obsessive curiosity?

First you need to know your weaknesses, and also at the earliest stages learn to track attempts to manipulate and violate your boundaries. In addition to understanding themselves, trainees of the training "Systemic Vector Psychology" acquire the ability to recognize the properties and intentions of other people. This avoids any manipulation.

For example, do not make concessions when another person, even if it is close, throws tantrums, uses emotional blackmail. There is an understanding of what to do in each such situation, how to remain calm and even how to help the blackmailer himself without harming himself. There is no feeling of guilt, and consequently, no desire to somehow compensate for it and fulfill the conditions of the manipulator.

A person begins to see who should be allowed closer, and who should be kept at a distance. For example, to distinguish between the same owners of the skin vector, who in certain states so zealously defend their right to privacy, while they themselves are very fond of prying into other people's affairs and using this information for their own purposes.

Or the owner because of his ability to laugh, chat, relieve tension. People love orals and it's easy to let them get too close. However, the secret told to such a person very soon ceases to be a secret, everyone will learn about it, and with a million non-existent details.

"Boundless" people

In the perception and respect for other people's personal boundaries, mental characteristics also play an important role. For example, in Western countries with a skin mentality, most people sacredly honor personal boundaries, because privacy is valuable to them. Here, even at a job interview, not everything can be asked of the candidate.

And in Russia, there is no internal concept of personal boundaries. For thousands of years we have survived only together, in close interaction with each other in a harsh climate and unstable crops. And during the years of Soviet power, they got along in communal apartments. It happened that they swore and fought, and yet they lived together and always helped each other in difficult situations. Everyone was in plain sight, closer to each other than relatives, and knew everything about each other - it was simply impossible to hide something.

And although times have changed and in the yard the skin phase of human development with the flourishing of the skin values of individualism and private property, mentally we have remained the same. Our business is built on a personal relationship, and it is not shameful to ask a barely familiar person how he feels and how his close relatives are doing. Or "sympathize": "Something you've been sitting in the girls."

Borders borders strife

Now you can often hear that you need to love yourself, put personal interests above all else. And some "knowledgeable people" even advise getting rid of guilt and responsibility - they say, it's easier to maintain your personal boundaries.

This is deeply harmful advice, because it does not allow the formation of emotional ties between people, sincere communication, which gives the modern person the greatest pleasure. Is it possible to love a person who, to a call for help, says: “These are your problems”? Wouldn't he himself feel deeply lonely and therefore completely unhappy?

And in our mentality, with such an attitude towards people, we generally risk becoming outcasts. After all, we especially do not like individualists and greedy people.

The art of setting personal boundaries where they should be and fearlessly opening up to people in other situations is taking shape. This knowledge is not perceived as something that must be constantly kept in mind so as not to weaken the defense. It becomes natural, like breathing. You understand who you can trust and who you shouldn't. Interestingly, the desire to somehow offend you or manipulate you in others also goes away.

The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»