Of course, you are worried whether everything will go smoothly. Don't worry, we know what to do!
Surely you have come a long way between the point where you gave birth to your baby and the point where you have to introduce him to the person who claims to live with you for the rest of his life. Most likely, this path included divorce, meeting people who disappointed you, getting to know this person. Distrust lives inside you - what if nothing works out again? Or will the child not accept the “new dad”? Or will the man himself not like your baby, and he won’t be able to find an approach to him? Don't panic! A man who loves you can love your child too. The main thing is to conduct the first meeting correctly.
Make sure it's time
Actually, it’s not difficult to verify this. Your chosen one will tell you himself that he wants to meet your child. The main thing is to weigh your own feelings at this moment - do you want this person to stay with you for a long time? If you want, consider that the right time for dating has come. Now you need to arrange the acquaintance correctly.
Prepare the man and child
Surely your man is also very worried. Talk to him, explain that you do not expect him to immediately love your child as his own. It will be enough if he tries to look at him as a separate person. She may be small and unable to take care of herself, but she is a person. With your interests, feelings and thoughts. There is something to talk to him about, he has something to tell.
Talk to your child too. If he knows his real father, explain that this person does not pretend to take his place, that a child can only have one dad. But it’s not bad at all if you have a reliable friend who will love you, take care of you, and try to make your life better. Tell him that his appearance will not jeopardize the baby’s relationship with his father, but, on the contrary, will complement your life. Speak honestly to your child; children sense falsehood better than anyone else, and it will instill distrust in him.
Come up with a scenario
Your child's first meeting with your crush will likely be as awkward as your first date. So that you do not painfully try to figure out what to say and how to behave, prepare everything in advance. Start the evening by going to a movie, a play, or a short excursion - somewhere where all three of you can get new experiences. And then go to a cafe to discuss what you saw and have a snack. Choose a cafe where the child will feel comfortable - let it be a pizzeria or even McDonald's.
Prepare a couple of stories just in case, if the impressions of the cinema or theater are over, and the evening is not yet over, you can use them. For example, tell your child that your man is the best archer, plays the guitar coolly, or has traveled half the world. Something from his biography that will make the baby look at your chosen one with curiosity and respect.
Don't interfere
Let the man and the child build their relationship themselves; if they start a conversation, don’t interfere. Surely they will be able to find a common language, because at least one of them, the older one, is vitally interested in this.
Talk to your child about everything that happened
Be sure to ask him if he liked your new friend, if he wants to go somewhere together again. Don’t rush things; after just a couple of months of regular meetings, your baby will consider your man an integral part of your life.
Helps women with children take the first step towards new happiness - go on a date. Moreover, with those whom the children themselves chose. What to do in life? After all, the comfort of the child is the main thing for the mother, but not always everything works out in such a way that both the mother, her new companion, and the children are happy with the changes in the family structure.
How to properly introduce a man into the house, introduce him to the children and create comfort again? Should you listen to the child’s opinion completely or should you not indulge his whims? How to make sure that the appearance of a man does not affect the child’s psyche in the future, and that the new partner finds an excellent common language with them? Moms have a lot of questions. A specialist comments on the situation.
Yulia Vasilkina, psychologist, sociologist, author of books for parents
“Divorce is a difficult experience for both spouses and their children. But time passed, emotions subsided, and the desire to find new love appeared. Relationships begin to develop, thoughts appear about the possibility of new “happiness in personal life,” when suddenly an obstacle arises: mothers have to face opposition from their children.
Everyone suffers: the woman, her new partner, and the children themselves. Mothers regularly turn to psychologists with questions: why is this happening and what to do in this difficult situation for everyone. Do boys and girls behave differently? Of course, there are certain features.
Boys 11-14 years old become very attached to their mother after a divorce, and the appearance of a new partner is perceived with hostility. Boys have higher levels of aggressiveness, and the surge in production of the main male hormone testosterone at 11-13 years of age (800 times higher than in infancy) makes them even more conflicted.
They begin to feel like “real men” and competition comes to the fore. This is why boys have such a hard time accepting their mothers' new partners: they see them as competitors.
Boys also tend to solve any problems by running away. from them. Therefore, when a new man appears in the family, cigarettes and drugs disappear from morning to evening (or even until morning) on the street. However, during adolescence, boys (as well as girls) enter a period when they need an adult friend-mentor of the same sex, but not a parent. And if the mother's new partner manages to win the boy's trust, they can become true friends.
Girls are by nature much more adaptive, caring, more sensitive to nuances, focused on harmonizing relationships. This provides less ground for contention. They tend to adapt to any situation they find themselves in, rather than reacting by running away like boys. Therefore, even if a daughter expresses negativism towards her mother’s new partner, it is easier to come to an agreement with her than with a boy. Girls are also characterized by a fear of “strange” men, especially in adolescence.
However, these are only general trends. In each specific case, it can be completely different: an aggressive dominant girl is able to “run away” into alcohol, drugs, and begin to study poorly in order to draw her mother’s attention from her boyfriend to herself. There are also sensitive, anxious boys who go into illness.
Both boys and girls can be spoiled and be the “navel of the family”, and there are no gender differences. Parents use both boys and girls as a buffer, trying to “win” them over to their side after a divorce. Mothers “take revenge” on their husbands by not allowing them to meet their children, regardless of the gender of the children. And children, in turn, can take revenge by not accepting the mother’s new partner.”
Joint activities bring absolutely everyone closer together. If children are interested in them, tension is unlikely to arise in the relationship. Photo: thinkstockphotos.com
Dating rules
“We have all heard about the importance of first impressions. As they say, you can only make a first impression once. Therefore, it is important to properly introduce your child to a new partner. How to do it?
1. Tell your child in advance that you want to get married. Explain the advantages of married life. Answer all of your child's questions.
2. If you meet a worthy person, talk to your child about it. Tell us why this person is interesting, what attracted you to him. Tell this not with the goal of “asking permission” from the child to continue the relationship, but to inform.
3. If your relationship develops, then periodically tell your child about this person. And tell your man more about your child: let him know what an important place this little person occupies and
4. If you decide to introduce your new partner and your child, then according to your stories they will already know each other in absentia. You will be able to predict the child's possible reaction. If the child has a negative attitude, put off getting to know each other for now.
5. Let the person coming to the house bring the child a gift, but not too expensive. It is better if the gift corresponds to the interests of the child. If you've told your partner about your child's interests, they'll have something to talk about.
6. After meeting, discuss with your child how it went. Answer all questions. If the reaction was negative, do not rush to scold and reproach. Think about what could be going on here.
Many women hesitate to enter into a new marriage (or even a relationship), “protecting” the child. But remember that such a closed system as “mother-child” is quite bad for its development. In such a system, the child often occupies a role that is not childish at all.
A boy, for example, may be given the role of an adult man, and when the time comes for him to build his own family, this may have a bad effect on his relationship with his mother, who will consider herself “devoted.” A girl may also have difficulty entering into a relationship, because... She remains the only close person for her mother. And letting such a person go into adulthood, oh, how difficult it is!
Therefore, boldly look around, and perhaps you will see. If you are honest with your child, appreciate and love him, but do not forget about yourself, your family will be able to find harmony. And if problems arise, there are psychologists, right? Good luck!"
In order not to panic, you should take advantage of other people's positive experiences. What can a stepfather give a child? Let's watch the stories of the stars!
Love relationships are difficult to build because there are so many nuances to consider. The older people get, the more difficulties arise. Many of these difficulties are imaginary, some actually become real. If a woman has her own child from her first marriage, then she may consider him an obstacle to building her happiness with a new man. The women's website considers this opinion to be erroneous, offering an answer to the question of when a man should be introduced to a child.
All people have their own past. While you were living, you had no idea that you would ever separate from your spouse, from whom you had a child. The first marriage is often concluded with the thought that it will be the last. However, in modern society you can get a divorce at any time, which may not happen on your initiative.
The first marriage is far behind us. You no longer remember him. However, after him you still have a child. There's definitely no way to get him anywhere. It will stay with you for life. Even when he grows up, he will still remain a part of your life that you will not give up.
But don’t stay in your marriage just because your first marriage broke up! Men rarely bother themselves with such thoughts, so they often quickly find new women, in front of whom they are not embarrassed to talk about the fact that they have children. Why does this problem occur in women?
- The child remains to live with his mother, which means that he primarily burdens her, not the father. While the ex-husband (child's father) is hanging out with other girls, the baby does not bother him at all, since he lives with his mother. It is much more difficult for a woman to bring a new boyfriend into the house when there is a child there.
- Public opinion that constantly imposes the idea that it is more difficult for a woman with a child to find a new man. This opinion is erroneous and absolutely does not contribute to a woman’s happy existence. Whoever came up with this idea most likely wished misfortune for women with children, or he himself was unable to build a happy life with a child. However, just because others can't do it doesn't mean you can't.
A woman with a child has the right to happiness with a new man. Moreover, she has every chance, if, of course, everything is done correctly.
Should you talk about your baby on the first date?
Are you ready for a new relationship? You even have a new acquaintance who may become a permanent partner or even a husband in the future. When you go on a first date, you prepare not only psychologically, but also mentally. A conversation will take place between you, during which the topic of former marriages and the presence of children will probably be raised. Should you talk about your baby on the first date?
Here psychologists say in the affirmative: a woman should not be ashamed of the fact that she has a child. If a man asks about the presence of children, then feel free to talk about who you have.
If you hide the presence of a child from a man, you can bring the situation to separation. A man sooner or later finds out about his son/daughter. Only if this happens after months of dating, also in an unpleasant environment (which most often happens), then separation is inevitable.
Psychologists advise a woman not to hide the presence of a child from a man. Here, just follow one rule: do not talk about the child in order to notify the man about its presence. Talk about the child when the man asks about it, or until the conversation turns to children or anything related to them. It is recommended to announce the presence of a baby “by chance,” “by the way,” as if you were talking about having a pet. Don't make anything meaningful out of this topic. You have a child, which you do not hide.
You can talk about having a son/daughter even on the first date. A woman should not hide this, because this will allow her to find out some things for herself:
- What is the man in the mood for? It is difficult to find out your partner's intentions until you have spent a long time with him. There are men who are driven by selfish goals or want only sex. If you tell such men about the presence of a child, they will become depressed and even stop communicating with the woman. And that is great. If a man was not serious about a woman, then a child will scare him away. If a man wants a family and a serious relationship, then the news about the presence of a child will not scare him off at all.
- How does a man treat children? If you are talking about having children, then you can simultaneously raise the question of whether the man has children. If they exist, then no problems will definitely arise between lovers. Everyone has “baggage” that they simply need to come to terms with. If a man does not have children, then you can ask why. Nowadays, you can meet men who simply do not like children, do not want to have them and take care of someone. Do you need such a man?
Children are not a burden that should be hidden from your partner. This is part of your life, just like your interests, goals, friends, etc. Treat normally the fact that you have a child, so that you can just as calmly talk about its presence to every man who will encroach on your body, heart, soul.
Truth or illusion?
Women often hide the presence of children from men. Why do they do this? Because they are afraid. They believe that they will be unnecessary to men along with their children. And you know, such women turn out to be right, because they themselves create situations where even seriously minded men cannot forgive women for hiding a secret. Here, each reader should decide whether she wants to know the truth or live in illusion.
If a woman does not tell a man about her child, she is trying to create an illusion. Undoubtedly, a man is placed in such an illusion and begins to imagine in his head certain pictures of what he can count on with this woman.
These illusions collapse sooner or later, since it is impossible to hide the presence of a child forever. The man already has a plan of action for the future, but it is instantly destroyed when it becomes known that the woman has a child. If a man cannot change his plans, then he leaves his partner.
You should put yourself in the other person's shoes. How would you feel if you didn't know that a man had a child? Think again about what a woman must be like to be afraid to talk about her child. Only an insecure and pathetic woman can do such an act.
If you choose the truth, you will encounter certain difficulties, but they will be easy to resolve. Undoubtedly, not all men are ready to love you and take you with a child. There are gentlemen who are simply not ready to be fathers. Give them fun, carelessness and celebration. If you tell them about having children, they will quickly break off relationships with women.
This is for the better: why waste your time on someone who cannot become a part of your life, but is drawn into his life, where there is no place for a child?
At the same time, by telling a man about the child, the woman shows that she is not ashamed of this, does not make the child an obstacle, does not create a problem. She is not afraid of losing a man if he does not understand her situation and leaves. Many people respect this.
If a man really loves and is serious about building a relationship with a woman, then no child will become a hindrance to him. Moreover, loving men often take the initiative to get to know the children of their women, establish contacts with them and join their family.
When should you not immediately introduce a man to your child?
It’s one thing to tell a man about having a child on the first date. But the question arises completely differently when it comes to introducing a man to his child. When should you not do this right away?
Psychologists do not recommend introducing a man to his child on first dates. This should not be done for the reason that the woman herself does not know about the intentions of her gentleman. There are some men who are not in the mood for a serious relationship, but the presence of a child with a woman does not bother them. Nothing stops them from “using” a woman, smiling at the child, and then, when they get tired of it, turning around and leaving.
It is better not to introduce a child and a man during the first period of acquaintance. Your task is to find out the man's true intentions towards you. If he is serious, your relationship is really becoming strong, then you can move on to introducing your gentleman to your son/daughter.
Here you should take into account not only your own desire, but also that of the man and the child:
- You probably wanted to introduce your man to your child on the first date. It's clear.
- You should wait until the man himself wants to meet your child. You should not push him or beg him. If your relationship is serious, then the man himself will take the initiative in getting to know “a part of you.”
- You need to ask your child about his desire to meet your boyfriend. Don't treat your baby like a stupid creature. Respect his rights and wishes.
If three participants in the process have a desire to spend time together, then you can move on to getting acquainted. It is inevitable if a strong relationship is built between lovers, so you should be prepared for this event.
If a man does not show initiative and desire, and also demonstrates that he is not interested in a serious relationship, then there is no need to set him up with your child. Take care of your baby in this case. It will be painful for him when the “new uncle” leaves the family, having previously aroused the trust and love of the child. If the man is not serious, then it is better to save the child from emotional turmoil when the man finally leaves you.
Moral preparation of man and child
Before a man and a child meet, it is necessary to prepare them mentally. To do this, they should talk about each other, about their presence in the life of a woman (mother). Just tell them something interesting about them so that they get a little used to each other in absentia format.
Talk to your child about the role of the new man in your life. Rely on the fact that this will bring you happiness, and will also enhance the child’s leisure time. At the same time, indicate that the new man will not affect the relationship between mother and child. All this will happen in parallel, and the child will not suffer from it.
The man should also be notified of what your intentions are. If he wants to meet your child, this will happen when you are sure of the seriousness of his intentions towards you and your family.
Bottom line
Every woman wants to be happy. However, it should be understood that the situation changes a little if a woman has a child from her first marriage. Hiding this information from a new boyfriend almost always leads to a break in the relationship or a breakdown of trust on the part of the man. The result may be disappointing in this case.
You need to talk about having a child. At the same time, you should not be afraid that the man will no longer want to date you. It’s better to leave early than to hurt your and your child’s feelings when you both get used to it. On first dates, a child becomes a kind of test of a man’s intentions, which should be treated positively.
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The first time a child meets your chosen one is, by and large, no different from meeting any of your friends. For now, regardless of your plans, for a child your partner is just a stranger. And you can get to know him the same way as all your other friends. At the first meeting, or even before it, you should not explain to your child the intricacies of your relationship with this person, especially if the relationship began recently, and both of you are still not sure of anything.
For starters, it is enough that adults try to have fun with the child. Children really appreciate the attention shown and playing together. They appreciate it when an adult can relax, remember their childhood and enthusiastically kick a ball or delve into a child’s favorite board game. In order to make a positive impression on a child, there is absolutely no need to shower him with expensive toys or sweets; what is much more important is a sincere interest in the child, his games and hobbies.
Together with your partner, think in advance where you will go for a walk with your child, what you can play there, how long it will take, so that the whole company does not become overtired from intense communication. If your chosen one does not have children yet, then it may be difficult for him to spend the whole day with the child at once. It is better to accumulate experience with children gradually.
If your child is still a toddler (2-3 years old), then when you meet him it is enough to say: “This is my friend (girlfriend). His (her) name is... Today we will take a walk together, let’s go to the park.” Then, when the child takes a closer look at the new adult and gets used to it, you can start interacting with him - playing. Shy children may not start playing with a new acquaintance at the first meeting, but do not be upset, this does not mean that the baby did not like your friend or girlfriend. During further meetings, if they happen regularly, the child will get used to it and begin to play not only with you.
Older children already see and notice a lot, and even if you behave with restraint with your partner (as is customary with children), the child will still feel a special relationship. This may make him jealous. Therefore, during joint meetings, try to prevent the child from feeling out of place: respond to words addressed to you immediately, give an extra hug, smile, look into the eyes. It is important for your child to know that he is loved by you, these signs will help you “tell” him this in a language that he understands.
Don't make big bets on first meetings with your child. All relationships are built gradually. Children, just like adults, first get to know each other, take a closer look, and then begin to communicate more freely when they are convinced of the safety of the new adult and the unchanging love of the parent.
Unfortunately, not all spouses live happily together into old age. Often, for various reasons, the mother is left alone with the child. Women may be afraid to get into a serious relationship with a new man because of children. Introducing a child to a potential spouse is a responsible undertaking. The first impression, contact, will become the basis on which their future relationships will be built.
When a child is accustomed to the fact that the family consists only of him and his mother, it can be difficult for him to let someone else into this small world. Jealousy arises, competition for mother's attention. A man is perceived as a stranger, a competitor, as a person who has come to destroy the idyll between mother and child. We will try to organize the first meeting in such a way as to protect the little person from unnecessary stress and gradually prepare him for changes in the family.
Timeliness. It is clear that you should not introduce your children to every man who remotely resembles a candidate for the role of a husband. But if you are confident in the seriousness of your plans, do not put off getting to know each other until the last minute. The child needs time to adapt and get used to a new person. It’s definitely better to start getting acquainted before you settle in the same territory. The phrase “this is Vasily, he is moving in with us, you can call him dad” will almost certainly cause protest - and not without reason.
Preparation. Tell your child in advance that you want to introduce him to your good friend. There is no need for surprises here. Set your child up for a pleasant and interesting meeting, but make it clear that this will be a meeting with someone important to you. Do not set restrictions in advance, do not give strict instructions like “behave decently”, they will create unnecessary tension. Let the child feel and behave naturally. You are not participating in a competition of the best-mannered children, but introducing people who will live under the same roof.
Choosing a location. It is best to organize the first meeting on neutral territory. It is important that the place where you meet is interesting for the child, but also necessarily implies communication between the three of you. Going to a cafe together and sending your son or daughter to the playroom is not a suitable option. It’s good if during the meeting you all do something together. Based on the child’s preferences, but be sure to take into account the opinion of your future husband and participate in the choice yourself. These could be outdoor games, an interactive excursion to a museum, a creative or culinary master class for the whole family. The main thing is that you all enjoy the communication sincerely.
Mom's mood. You will almost certainly be worried. Will they like each other? Will the future husband change his mind after unsuccessful communication? Will your relationship with your child suffer? Will the baby accept your chosen one? Remember that the child reads your anxiety, and he will most likely connect it with the new thing that has appeared in the situation - with your man. Choose a time, place, activity, atmosphere, taking into account your own comfort and tranquility, be where you feel good and calm.
Present. They don't harm, but they don't help either. You shouldn't attach much importance to them. A gift is a substitute for real attention, contact, love. You want your son or daughter to like your man himself, and not a train or a doll in a bright box. Communication is much more valuable. The gift may imply further joint play with him.
Child's feelings. Remember that the child faces a difficult internal task. Accepting a new person is not easy, especially when it seems that he is about to take your mother away from you. A child has the right to jealousy, anger, hostility and other negative feelings. Sometimes it is worth listening to a child’s opinion about the character of a potential husband - children are observant and direct in their assessments. Don't forbid feelings, but discuss them later. Some of them will relate to the personality of the chosen one, and some will only be afraid that the family is changing. Give your child support and time. Even if your baby is categorically against communicating with your man, don’t despair. Make it clear that you are not exchanging your child for your husband, that you still love your baby as much as before, and this will not change.