People make mistakes all the time. And these mistakes arise for a simple reason - we are all human, and we are all imperfect. Moreover, if two imperfect people meet on the same territory, they inevitably make mistakes. It is very important to understand this and not to reproach a person for making a mistake, but to learn to forgive and understand.
It is equally important to forgive yourself, because this is the first thing you must learn in order to be able to forgive other people. You can and should admit your mistakes, but draw conclusions from it, not a tragedy. You need to try to fix everything and thereby set foot on the path of self-improvement.
When a quarrel has already occurred and the fires of the first battles have burned out, people, as a rule, withdraw into themselves. We always take a defensive position during a quarrel. And only when we retire can we calmly evaluate our actions and understand what our mistake is.
If it turns out that you are wrong, you must admit it and try to correct the situation, if this man is dear to you. In this situation, it is very important not to give up and not act on the principle of “it’s all over,” but to try to find a way out of the situation.
So, you decided that you made a mistake, did something wrong, or offended your man in some way. Great, the hardest part is over. Now it's a matter of small things.
Men are very easy-going when they are offended over trifles. They don’t like it when a woman gets angry, withdraws into herself, and relations between the sexes become tense. This is because men are characterized by emotional cretinism. It is difficult for them to imagine how to correct such a situation. Because to correct such a situation, you need to appeal to emotions. Therefore, they are often blissfully deluded that sex can fix everything, and try to use it for reconciliation. They have no idea how far from the truth they are. But basically, if you have made some mistake and need to correct it, this can help a lot. You just need to get him into bed through simple manipulations: a little flattery, relaxing caresses and more hard-to-take-off clothes to get him hotter. And he will not resist, that same evening he will forget about your offense and become like silk.
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But we will not dwell on this one method, besides, you may very soon be figured out. And then tactics will have to change.
Gift option. To make amends, it is better to choose something non-standard as a gift, but for his soul. He probably has some kind of hobby, and you are already pretty tired of it. You often quarrel about this. Great, the more he will appreciate it if you give him a surprise, which not only implies attention and investment of effort and money, but also encouragement of his hobby. If you don't know much about his hobby, ask friends or colleagues to help. Even if you choose something completely absurd, he will not be indignant, but will appreciate your attention and care. But you just need to make it clear that you are giving him gifts precisely as a sign of reconciliation, and not with the goal of “buying” his favor. To do this, it is better to give the gift yourself and explain to him. The effect will not keep you waiting.
The next method is culinary. We'll have to resort to the age-old rule about the path to a man's heart. If you can get to the heart through the stomach, then why not try to follow the same path to forgiveness. In order to appease a man, you can cook his favorite dish or something that he might probably like. It can be anything, but just no vegetarianism. The dish should be meat or, in extreme cases, fish. Men are still predators. If, frankly speaking, you are not good at cooking, you have all the trump cards in your hands. If a man in ordinary life was not very spoiled by tasty food, it will be easiest to please him. You should just try harder than usual, maybe resort to the help of more experienced cooks. One thing is for sure - he will appreciate your efforts and will be very surprised. Only in culinary seduction you need to go to the end. Set the table in a manner appropriate to the occasion and serve the dish with something suitable from drinks.
Another option: a third party. If all your tricks do not have the desired effect, then you can resort to the help of someone you know. Better than the good ones and those whom your husband respects. As a rule, men listen to the words of elders. But you cannot convey reproaches and accusations through a third party, just ask him to let your husband understand how hard it is for you and how you want peace and tranquility in the family.
This is, of course, a last resort. Try not to wash dirty linen in public. In addition, there is a high probability that they will not want to fulfill your request. Well, who wants to get involved in other people’s quarrels, and besides, it’s still unknown how your husband will receive such help.
In a word, to resolve a conflict, you don’t need to deny it, you don’t need to exaggerate it, you need to resolve it.
And you can assess your level of conflict, aggressiveness and receive practical recommendations from professionals on improving those very interpersonal relationships in the specially created analytical module “” on our portal.
In addition, you can ask a specialist a question absolutely free in another section of the site - Questions in notes.
We all tend to make mistakes, commit rash acts and, sometimes, offend our loved ones. But apologizing can be difficult. In addition, women are emotional and their grievances often lead men into a state of confusion. How to ask a girl for forgiveness, especially if you need not just to apologize, but to make amends and achieve restoration of the relationship?
How to ask for forgiveness from the girl you love
You can apologize in different ways; what is important here is not even the method itself, but sincere recognition of the wrongness of your words and actions, repentance. Women are not only more emotional than men, but also more sensitive to any falsehood and lies. If your girlfriend feels them, then no matter what you do, forgiveness will be difficult to achieve.
The words you use to apologise, the intonation, the actions, the location you choose - all of this matters. And here you should take into account the characteristics of your beloved, because in order to make amends, you will have to do something nice for her:
Choose the most sincere and tender words;
Give a gift, not necessarily an expensive one, but one that will please her;
Organize a romantic evening;
Take a girl to a restaurant, cafe, exhibition or theater, depending on what your friend prefers;
Say a lot of exquisite compliments.
The main thing is to show attention to your friend’s preferences and desires. If you have a good imagination, then you can ask the girl for forgiveness in an original and beautiful way. What men do not come up with to earn the favor of an offended woman: they create pictures from flowers and lanterns under her windows, light dozens of candles, arrange concerts of her favorite songs, climb a rope ladder to her balcony and even descend in a hot air balloon.
However, such extreme is not necessary. But if you show up to her office with a huge bouquet of roses, to the envy of all her female colleagues, then it will be difficult to refuse your forgiveness.
What not to do when apologizing to a girl
All this seems to be simple advice, but men often experience difficulties and make mistakes, partly due to ignorance of female psychology, partly due to excessive self-confidence.
· Take your time. Asking for forgiveness immediately after a quarrel is not the best option. A raging flurry of emotions will not allow a woman to listen to you; she may not want to listen to an apology at all. Let her cool down a bit and think about the situation.
How to get forgiveness and restore good relationships, even if the mistake can no longer be corrected?
Research suggests that by changing the perspective of the person you offended, you will minimize the damage you caused through your wrongdoing. In such a situation, you should do the following:
1) eliminate personally unpleasant moments;
2) explain your actions;
3) confirm your apology with real actions;
4) restore the relationship with this person.
In a situation where one person has clearly violated the rights of another, shown disrespect for him and did not justify his trust, first of all it is necessary to balance the mental state of the offended person. This can be achieved through a fairly simple, but synergistic psychological strategy consisting of ten stages.
Ten stages of conflict resolution
Ten stages of conflict resolution. This simple step-by-step strategy will allow you to gain forgiveness and restore a good relationship with a person in any situation, and even faster than you might imagine. b.
Short review
Step 1: Use the Three Star Method.
Stage 2. Admit your guilt.
Step 3: Apologize sincerely.
Step 4: Take responsibility for the consequences.
Step 5. Confirm your repentance with real actions.
Stage 6. Restore self-respect.
Stage 7. Restore balance in the relationship.
Step 8: Find peace of mind.
Step 9. Find internal justification.
Step 10. Create a concrete action plan.
1. Three star method
Before you get acquainted with this strategy, please note that the situation should be approached as tactfully as possible. You must not allow the slightest mistake, since the situation is extremely serious. Therefore, try to follow all recommendations as accurately as possible.
Show humility. If you don't behave in this situation with complete humility, then your attempts are doomed to failure. What does it mean to behave humbly? This means giving up your ego. In this situation you shouldn't think about yourself, but about another person.
Show your feelings. Numerous studies suggest that when trying to achieve forgiveness, you need to openly express your feelings. Our thoughts are based on emotions. However, we use logic to justify our actions. If you try to explain your behavior only from a logical point of view, you will have virtually no chance of improving your relationship. Besides, if you have to pretend, don’t bother. If you don't care about the situation, it means you don't really want to improve the relationship, so save both of you from further deterioration of the situation and move on.
Show respect. As we have shown more than once, respect is the most important factor in resolving a conflict. Therefore, you must be sure that you treat this person with the utmost respect, and with this condition you will apply the methods described here. Therefore, you should not come to a person’s office and demand that he listen to your version of what happened, argue or talk in a raised voice. If your relationship has been seriously damaged, you must first ask permission for the person you have offended to listen to your explanation of the situation, or use other means to establish contact. Remember: it's not so much what you did, but rather the fact that you acted disrespectfully towards this person. Regaining respect is the key to your success.
2. Admit your guilt
In such cases, it is very important to take full responsibility for what happened. Do not shift the blame onto someone else or resort to any subterfuge - this will only make the situation worse. The person you have offended expects you to try to whitewash yourself in some way.
Shifting the blame to someone else or to some circumstances will not bring results, because in this case
only those “other” people or circumstances will be able to restore balance. If you take all the blame on yourself, you will have the opportunity to resolve the conflict.
3. Apologize sincerely.
Apologize for your behavior. Sometimes we simply forget to say, “I’m very sorry, forgive me.” Often words alone are not enough, but they are an important aspect of the overall strategy to gain forgiveness.
Make sure that the person to whom you have offended understands that you sincerely regret what happened. An insincere apology will sound unconvincing and the person will not believe it. And if you don’t believe it, you won’t forgive. If you truly repent, you will not do the same thing again and will not hurt the person. However, if you think otherwise, do not ask for forgiveness. If you don't truly feel remorse for what you did, you may need to take a fresh look at the situation, your relationship with that person, and yourself.
“Silence on the set!”
Do not interrupt the offended person, let him speak out. Show your respect even if you don't share his point of view. Listen patiently to what he has to tell you. Trying to interrupt his speech will demonstrate that you are not ready to repent.
4. Take responsibility for the consequences.
A very important step in this strategy is this: you must make it clear that you are willing to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions. You have shown yourself to be an irresponsible person, but now, by taking responsibility for yourself, not only for your actions, but also for the possible consequences, you will restore justice.
Remember: if the one to whom you have offended suspects that all this is just beautiful words and you are not going to be responsible for the consequences of your actions, failure awaits you. Don't forget that your fate (at least as far as your relationship with this person is concerned) is in his hands. However, giving him power and by providing the opportunity to decide the fate of your relationship, you will increase your chances of success. The person you have offended needs justice. He wants to feel his own importance. Give back what you took from him and this will be the beginning of restoring your relationship. You can say something like: “I know I did wrong. You have every reason to be angry with me. “I am ready to take responsibility for all possible consequences.”
On the role of repentance
Everyone knows that judges hand down harsher sentences if the defendant does not repent of his actions. Therefore, either you will sincerely repent by saying the right words, or you will be punished to restore justice. By the way, according to statistics, attractive people often receive lighter sentences than those who are unlucky with their appearance. The only time good-looking people receive harsher sentences is if they use their appearance as a tool to commit a crime (for example, scammers who swindle women out of their savings).
5. Support your repentance with real actions.
Change your life - this is the best way to show that you sincerely admit your guilt. Actions shout, but words only whisper. Actions are more convincing than words.
Explain to the person offended by you why the circumstances that led to unpleasant consequences will never happen again. His mistrust is due to the unpredictability of your actions. In other words, he fears that it might happen again. If you can convince him otherwise, you will go a long way toward calming him down.
By presenting what happened as an isolated incident, you will minimize the impact of this event on the life of another person, since he will perceive it as an exception, that is, something that he will never encounter again. This can only be achieved in one way - changing your life. This is the only way you can confirm that you consider your action wrong. Change the dynamics of the situation to prevent or significantly reduce the likelihood of it happening again.
You might say something like, “This will never happen again. I signed up for a drug addiction treatment center” or “I told my boss that I will no longer go on business trips on weekends.” Please note that these phrases do not say “I will sign up...” or “I will say...”, because that would essentially mean, “I am making a promise to change because I want to be forgiven.” That is, you do not regret what you did, but only that you got caught.
You must show that you have truly changed and are not just trying to do something to reconcile. You can tell mutual friends about the changes in your life so that this information reaches the person to whom you have offended.
6. Regain self-respect
Do some good deed to show your true self. Donate money to charity, help a sick or elderly person, speak up for someone. Show them who you really are. Because of your misconduct, the person has lost respect for you, so try to regain it. It is very difficult to dislike someone you respect. Make sure that the one to whom you have offended sees your true face, then he will react differently to your offense.
7. Restore balance in your relationship
It is very important to make it clear that your actions did not bring you pleasure, money or other benefits. You must explain to the person to whom you committed a crime that your offense was not only a mistake, but did not bring any benefits. Remember that restoration of balance in your relationships (personal or work), the guarantee is that the one you offended will forgive you. If you received some benefit from your actions, you will have to “return” even more to restore harmony. Never say that you received any benefit (extrinsic reward) or satisfaction (intrinsic reward) from your actions. Instead, it is necessary to emphasize: “It was disgusting” or “I never spent the stolen money”, “I felt so unhappy and guilty after everything”, etc.
You must do everything possible to restore balance. If you took something (money or anything else) from this person and you still have it, return it. If you don’t have this, but you can find a replacement, do it as quickly as possible. Tell us about your plans.
And remember: It is very important to continue your attempts even if the person is not talking to you. This does not negate our responsibility to do everything right by “paying off our debts.” This will show your true colors. By continuing to do the right thing without getting what you want in return (in this case, a better relationship), you will prove that you are worth doing business with again.
8. Find peace of mind
Answer yourself the question why this happened. Without going into long psychological discussions, we can say that the basis of every unseemly act is the same motive - fear. Fear is the “right hand” of the ego. After analyzing your action, you will understand that the reason was the same fear.
Perhaps you stole money because you were afraid of staying in that job for the rest of your life or because you couldn't afford the life you wanted. Perhaps you started an affair because you were afraid of losing your attractiveness in your own eyes. In all these cases, you can mend broken relationships only by determining what fears underlie your actions, and then serve them correctly. Stealing money for the love of beautiful things is one thing, but stealing to maintain a shaky self-image is quite another.
Adultery, for example, is not just an impulse. This action is also based on fear. On a subconscious level, you may be thinking, “Is this all there is left in life?” or “Would anyone else want to be with me?” Deep down, you may also experience this fear: “Everything is too good. I'm not used to this kind of life. Let's see what happens if everything is destroyed."
I would not like to deviate from the topic, but I will illustrate this idea by briefly analyzing the phenomenon called the midlife crisis. A person experiencing such a crisis does everything that he thinks he has already missed or might miss. He buys a sports car because fear speaks to him. He asks himself the question: “What happened to my dreams, to my youth? I'm scared". Why do some people not want to get married? Out of fear, what if someone even better comes along? What if it's a mistake? This behavior is explained by fear. It is this that makes us vulnerable, and it is this problem that you must analyze to understand yourself. Then you must relate your fears to the person you hurt.
Now your offense no longer looks like a betrayal that led to a loss of trust, but an irrational act dictated by the fear of a confused person. This increases your vulnerability and allows the offended party to regain a sense of dignity. Having calmed your own fears, begin to actively regain control over the situation.
If the person you committed a crime against knows that fear is at the root of your crime, he will be more accepting of your ego. Fear is a reaction to the inability to find the right way out. This is completely different from self-centered thinking, which others are better off not knowing about.
If you give the impression of a person who is able to control the situation, then the offended party, feeling apprehensive, may behave aggressively with you. That is why rarely in one couple both partners are jealous of each other. Only one of them is jealous, while the other naturally takes a more comfortable psychological position in order to maintain the balance of the relationship. Fear is perceived as a kind of respect. Your fear is a sign that you recognize power And status another man. As a result, he feels more powerful, able to impose his own conditions.
It is also very important to emphasize your commitment to the injured party and interest in maintaining a good relationship. To do this, you can say something like this: “You know that our marriage means a lot to me, and now I love you more than in the first years of our marriage” (if you had an affair) or “This work has always been the main thing in my life; I planned to stay there until I retired” (if you committed financial fraud at work).
9. Find inner justification
Why return the relationship to its previous state if you can do it? theirs is better!
It's a good idea to show your partner exactly how you can improve your relationship compared to what it was before the conflict. By agreeing to your request, the person will fear that this is a return to an old, damaged relationship that has lost value for him. Nobody wants a lifeboat to go back to a sinking ship. Try to show your partner the changes that have happened to you, demonstrate your devotion, and he will understand that he will receive much more than he lost.
We've been through so much! Why lose what we have? This reasonable argument can convince a person. Explain how, by eliminating the cause of what happened, you can correct the situation and even make it better than before.
10. Make a concrete action plan
It is very important to describe to your partner exactly how the situation will develop further: slowly, freely, under his control. Perhaps the person you misbehaved with is thinking, “If I say yes, it will be difficult for me to kick him out of the house again” (or fire him, or whatever). Therefore, it is necessary to propose an action plan that will help slowly, but confidently move towards the ultimate goal - to restore relations. Make a clear plan of action that you both must adhere to, but try to give your partner the opportunity to continue, stop, or change the intended course at any time.
It is always very important to understand direction And order moving forward. We feel comfortable and safe knowing where we are going and what road we are on. If you want to improve your relationship, you must not only set a goal, but also develop a plan to achieve it.
The world around you is a reflection of your spiritual world.
If your attempts to improve relationships with a person meet resistance on his part, remember that the world around you is a reflection of yourself and you can only give what you have: love or fear, kindness or anger. You, too, can only get what you have, and the only way to get something is to give the same. It's clear?
If you want something to appear in your life, you must show that you yourself possess this quality to a certain extent. If you want to be loved, you must be able to love yourself. Kindness, for example, can exist in this world, but not in your life if you are not one of the kind people. The world around you is an absolute reflection of your inner world. You can't get anything without giving.
Therefore, if you want to be forgiven, you may need to forgive yourself and those around you.
If you harbor anger or resentment in your soul for what someone did to you, then you will not be able to be sincere with the person to whom you offended. Once you deal with the hatred you feel towards yourself or others, you will find a calmer way out of the current situation.
Real life example
Jim spent the night with another woman. Jim has a drinking problem and arguments often break out between him and his wife Beth. Beth recently found out about her husband's infidelity.
At first, Jim only listens to his wife as she expresses her complaints to him, and behaves humbly and respectfully. Then he says:
I deeply regret what happened. I know: my action has no justification. You have every reason to be angry. I am ready to take the blame for all the consequences.
I drank a lot and don’t remember in detail what happened, but it’s only my fault that I ended up in this situation and what happened.
I want you to know: I quit drinking and signed up for treatment at a rehabilitation center. I have already called the insurance company to find out if the treatment will be covered.
You can only say that you didn’t get any pleasure from your adventure if your wife asks about it - Jim himself should not touch on this topic.
If we can find a way out of the situation now, then in the future we will not quarrel so often, since the cause of everything was my drunkenness. I am sure that if we overcome all this, our lives will be better than ever.
I don't know how it happened. I had some kind of unaccountable fear.| Here Jim must communicate the reasons for his actions. | But I love you and am ready to do everything to improve my relationship with you and make our life even better than before.
Decide. Everything will be as you want. I'll move in with Al if you don't let me sleep here on the couch. Then, after I complete the course of treatment, you will tell me how you see our future.| It is very important for Jim to end the conversation on this point: by giving Beth the opportunity to control the further development of the situation. | Do you want me to leave now?
In this way, Jim helped his wife regain her independence, power, and control over the situation. In fact, he returned to her everything that he had taken away, creating such psychological conditions when she is ready for emotional return, and also can and really wants to forgive her husband and establish a relationship with him.
In addition, over the next few weeks or months, Jim will behave as a person who is not only not hopeless, but also deserves respect. He can do this by helping those in need and by showing his wife in every possible way that he is a caring, generous, kind, respectable man.
I want to tell you: I decided to help other people suffering from alcohol addiction.
Short review
You can only achieve forgiveness for your wrongdoing if you truly regret what happened and promise not to repeat your mistake. This can be achieved through the strategy described above.
It is important to let your loved one know what he did wrong and lead him to ask for forgiveness without humiliation.
You can express your grievance in different ways; someone starts shouting and proving who is right. And then the man begins to defend himself, which means he expresses his aggression. In this case, it is very difficult to obtain an apology. Don't yell at him, don't blame him, but just show by your appearance that you're upset. Of course, this will require a little artistry, but this is what will allow your companion to correctly understand that it is not worth doing this again. You may even cry so that he realizes the depth of the hurt that you experienced.
1. Let's not sulk
There is no need to stop communicating or refuse him any requests. Just let your mood become different, and it is from this state that you should tell him that you are hurt, that you did not think that it would cause so much worry. Be defenseless, show that you are vulnerable. At the same time, remain calm, do not raise your voice, be restrained. This behavior will allow the man to realize what happened.
What to forgive and what not to forgive? Let's learn from the experience of the stars, watch the video!
2. Let's tell
It is important to remember that guys cannot read minds, so it is recommended to say what exactly you did not like and why. Sometimes a person does not understand what he did wrong. Each parent in the family has their own rules, and some actions seem very harmless, but for another, unacceptable. If you don’t know how to talk about such things directly, if you feel afraid at the thought of dialogue, write a letter. But it is important to convey what you didn’t like, and you also need to explain what behavior in such a situation you consider positive and acceptable.
3. Let's show
If peaceful methods do not work, and the problem is repeated many times, you can demonstrate to your companion how his behavior looks from the outside. Start behaving like him in similar circumstances. Of course, this method cannot always be performed, but if possible, use it. Sometimes clarity is more useful than hundreds of explanations. Teach a lesson, but just don’t leave the image ahead of time, give him the opportunity to reflect on what happened.
4. Let's not listen to excuses
Some men, even after realizing their mistake, will shift it onto others. They are used to looking for someone who caused this incident. His friends, the weather, his parents, or someone else could have interfered with him. If he is used to making excuses in this way, explain to him that he is no longer a little boy who is a hostage to circumstances, he can make his own decisions and what will happen next depends only on his choice. Show him that he does not take responsibility, and this is what will allow him to grow up faster and be realized not only in love games.
5. Let's think about it
Men do not always apologize immediately after the act; sometimes it takes time to think. Do not rush him, let him understand the complexity of the situation and the possible negative consequences. And remember that sometimes forgiveness is asked not by words, but by actions. If you come home and everything you asked for has been repaired, consider him to have apologized. Some words are difficult to say, but gifts or helpful deeds can do the same.
6. Let's not raise the bar too high
Sometimes apologizing means agreeing that a person is wrong. If there is a heightened sense of guilt, then a person may not ask for forgiveness because he is afraid that his confession will entail punishment. This is a habit from childhood; if, after an apology, parents also used other methods of influence, then the person begins to fear what will follow after the words spoken. In this case, it is important to explain to the man that you will not torture him, that no further measures will be taken and that you only need to repent.