Now, on the one hand, this is a simple question, but, on the other hand, it is complex... It happens that a person himself cannot understand the reasons for his actions.
But as I understand it, the main reason is resentment. Such a nasty, unpleasant feeling that you often just can’t cry out... You just want to take revenge!
And, of course, a sense of justice. That is, you feel that this is unfair. So I want to put things in order. Sometimes you need to directly punish the offender! So that there is an example for others!
Sometimes it's a feeling of wounded pride. That is, it’s unpleasant that you weren’t invited somewhere. In the wrong place, in your opinion, they were seated at the table... There are many reasons! But it all comes down to the ego, our ideas about our own importance.
They say that offenders need to be forgiven, that it is bad to hold a grudge. So, maybe sometimes it’s better to take revenge right away? And my soul is lighter. But then you will definitely do something bad. And if you harbor a grudge, and more than one, it will gnaw at you from the inside. You keep coming back to this topic, remembering an unpleasant moment. Thinking about what could be done... Thinking through plans! That is, you are fixated on the negative (what happened and what you are going to do). But it is clear that forgiveness is not so easy.
Many people cannot sleep or eat because of resentment and a sense of injustice. So they decide to take revenge. But it is clear that nothing can be corrected, that no one can be brought back with this revenge.
They say that vindictiveness is in human nature, just like mistakes. But we try not to make mistakes, so we need to try, in my opinion, not to take revenge.
Although I myself took revenge a couple of times. More precisely, he did it in revenge. Only this happens either immediately or very quickly. I can't remember bad things for long! Again, this may not be a good quality for me. What feelings did I have? Anger! And then more gloating and self-satisfaction. Look, they say, how cunning and brave I am... Maybe there was nothing to be proud of...
Previously, it was believed that a tooth for a tooth. But you can’t get enough teeth this way! Then came religion, which talks about forgiveness and mercy. But people still take revenge, they make films about revenge.
Apparently, revenge and the feelings that drive it are very natural. But we don't do everything that comes naturally! At least we can push this within limits. You can’t yell at the offender, so we go to the gym to hit a punching bag or meditate, but this is more difficult. You need to control your grievances, your thoughts, feelings, then there will be fewer reasons for revenge.
In the Middle Ages in Florence, a trend came over young ladies: it became fashionable to commit suicide. Almost every third noble Florentine woman tried to poison herself or kill herself. The reason is the romantic mindset that has taken over society: they say, she lies in a coffin, pale and beautiful, all covered in flowers, and her relatives and a dozen admirers are crying around her. To stop the series of suicides, the city government ordered all ecstatic ladies to be dragged naked by their legs through the city streets after death.
The epidemic of mass suicides stopped immediately.
Of course, in our time such punitive measures will not be taken. However, the thought of how I will look after death and how my relatives will cry over my dead body comes to almost every potential suicide...
“I tried to commit suicide three times,” says Valeria N., “the first time when I was fourteen, then twice when I was fifteen. I think that in fact I did not want to die, the animal instinct of self-preservation was triggered.
- That is?
- Well, it seemed to cut veins, but not deep. So that in principle it was possible to stop the bleeding.
- How did you determine this? After all, you can make a mistake?
- Certainly. But every time I did this, my parents were at home... naturally, they came running and bandaged my wounds... We had a rather dysfunctional situation in the family, and I was just trying to attract attention to myself. As I now understand.
- Do you have suicidal thoughts now?
- No. I’m already over twenty, I have a normal husband... There are, of course, difficulties, but all of them can be overcome. And I am very glad that I live.
***
“Most suicide attempts fail,” says former law enforcement officer Grigory K. “We often went to people who did not hide their desire to commit suicide from their relatives, defiantly swallowed pills, stood on the windowsill, threatening to throw themselves out of the window, with a rope around the house walked around...
These people are blackmailers. Usually when the police get involved, they suddenly realize that life is not such a bad thing. Most of these people are “high” - alcohol or drugs. If an unbalanced person has “too much”, it is scary for loved ones...
- What categories can suicides be divided into?
- People with mental disorders, people in a state of depression, affect and blackmailers. People with an upset psyche may have hallucinations - this is what pushes them to the last step...
- How many suicides are teenagers?
- More than half of potential and actual suicides are under thirty years of age. And among them there is a large percentage of teenagers. Young men often blackmail their girlfriends by trying to hang themselves or throw themselves out of a window. They may repeat their attempts, but usually such a person will never dare to complete the task. This is simply not part of his plans...
- What do you do with such people?
- As a rule, this does not end with any serious measures. First they call an ambulance. And then either the doctors inform us about such a call, or the blackmailer’s relatives. Doctors usually don’t arrest blackmailers - to take a person to a psychiatric hospital, you need grounds, and these people are healthy. We usually don’t do anything either, because our loved ones refuse to write a statement.
***
During their work, ambulance doctors have seen plenty of suicides - as a rule, there is more than one such call during a shift. However, doctors agree that in most cases the attempts are fake - and in fact the suicide is not one.
The most critical time is the evening and the first half of the night, when a person comes home from work, has time to drink, thinks about the meaning of life and gets into a noose. A surge in suicides occurs on weekends and holidays, which is also associated with high alcohol consumption.
The most popular ways to die are hanging, self-poisoning and opening the veins.
There are more men than women among the “suicide victims,” and their attempts to take their own lives are much more often successful.
Doctors talk about terrible cases when they manage to resuscitate a person, but he remains disabled for life - for example, due to vinegar poisoning or an unsuccessful hanging.
They also talk about more terrible cases when it is too late to save. And it’s especially terrible when the suicide - a teenager or young man - is not an alcoholic or a psychopath.
- We won’t talk about specific cases, but this is actually a terrible nightmare for parents. They don’t understand why this happened, what they did wrong, why the child, without saying anything, suddenly passed away...
So why?
After talking with a psychologist about the topic of teenage suicide, I was shocked. It turned out that there are many more potential suicides among us than it seems. Fortunately, not all of them take the fatal step.
Psychologist and Gestalt therapist Nina RUBSTEIN comments on the situation:
- Adolescents aged 12 to 18 years are at risk. Teenage suicides are usually associated with the family environment and relationships with peers.
Children of this age are going through a difficult period - the most important thing for them is their personal assessment and individuality. Simply put, a teenager tries to be recognized in his environment and this is very important for him. However, quite often problems arise, which in turn can provoke suicide.
For example, there is no recognition from the opposite sex or, on the contrary, boys are not recognized by the boys around them. And teenagers can be very cruel...
- You also talked about the situation in the family.
- Yes. Another problem that a teenager may face is misunderstanding in the family and non-recognition by adults. By the way, this situation is, in general, typical and natural for this age. Although it is experienced quite painfully by teenagers.
- So the child needs adult support?
- Necessarily. An environment is needed in which he is understood, and then it will be easier for the teenager to survive this period.
However, families usually have their own difficulties. For example, a teenager has brothers and sisters - in this case, it is difficult for parents to pay attention to each child individually. And more attention falls on younger children, since they do not ask for it, but demand it. The relationship between parents plays a big role in this situation. If they are complex, it means that adults have no time for children.
The financial situation of the family also affects relationships. If the income is low, the parents devote all their energy to work, and therefore there is little attention to the child again.
- So what should we do? After all, in such a situation, almost every family...
- There is an exit. Parents just need to share their problems with their child - not blame them on him, but talk them out. And under no circumstances should you dismiss your child as saying that there are enough worries without you, especially since you are small and still won’t understand...
If there is an atmosphere of trust in the family, the teenager feels confident, even if he lacks attention. If the family does not share problems with the teenager, isolates him or everyone pretends that there are no problems, the child feels a lie and sometimes this only makes him worse.
- Why?
- If a child is deceived or protected from the realities of life by all means, he will develop an illusory perception. And then he will go out into life with these illusions and will be faced with the fact that everything is terribly difficult, and that he is not ready to live like that. This situation can also have suicidal consequences.
Another option for parents to behave incorrectly is when they devalue all the child’s problems, they can listen to him, but immediately declare that all this is nonsense! Like, you’re still small, you don’t understand anything, and the only problem is that you have to study well. Thus, parents do not support the teenager’s values and his authority...
And the most extreme case is when parents begin to humiliate a teenager.
- How can this manifest itself?
- In the form of constant control - parents monitor who the child is friends with, who he communicates with, how he spends his time...
In general, it should be noted that adolescence is a time of separation of the child from the family and separation of values. However, parents, as a rule, do not want to admit that a teenager may have his own values.
This rejection is closely related to the fact that parents do not want to grow old in any way and therefore try to build the illusion for as long as possible that they are still young and the child is still small. This situation has a negative impact on children - they are not allowed to separate and this makes them feel severe discomfort.
It can manifest itself in some extreme measures - not coming home to spend the night, contacting an unhealthy company that parents obviously will not like. There may be some other non-standard forms of self-expression... But all this is due to the fact that the child is trying to defend his own values and develop self-respect.
Ultimately, in such circumstances, the child begins to feel that the whole world is against him, and that he is superfluous here. No one cares about my values, no one respects me and no one supports me.
Then the child becomes an adult, but these feelings remain, and their own inferiority manifests itself. In this case, a person begins to accept other people as his values - he lives not for himself, but for someone. At the same time, losing the meaning of one’s own life.
And if suddenly such a person finds himself isolated from the people whom he has always supported, he feels the meaninglessness of his own existence.
Suicides of adults are often associated with this. For example, they have lost the person for whom they lived, and they do not see meaning in their own life, because their personal values have long been suppressed. And emptiness comes to such people...
But there are other reasons...
A person’s normal reaction to a violation of his physical or psychological boundaries is protest. It doesn't suit me, so I reject it. However, if the family did not recognize the child’s protest, and he did not have the right to it, this is fraught with great psychological problems in the future.
The protest does not disappear anywhere, it lives, but since it cannot break out into the outside world, the child turns it against himself. The process of self-destruction begins. And another model of behavior appears: you are right that you humiliate me, you are right that you treat me this way, and I am so bad that I have no right to live better. And to live in general... The preliminary stages of self-destruction can be noticed - a teenager uses substances that can harm his body - alcohol, drugs, etc. Behavior changes - a person risks his life, puts it in danger...
So the reason for suicide at any age is one’s own lack of value, lack of outside support and internal protest.
- Is it possible to tell from a child’s behavior that he is suicidal?
- Undoubtedly.
For example, a child scolds or criticizes himself: I did it badly, I did it stupidly. Low self-esteem, constant self-criticism... Sometimes low self-esteem manifests itself in humiliation of others. In other words: my humiliation is so great that the only way to feel better is to humiliate someone else.
- The one who is weaker?
- Naturally.
It is also worth paying attention to how the child evaluates other children. If he despises everyone (or almost everyone), distances himself from his peers, he is characterized by arrogance - this behavior is also characteristic of potential suicides. This is how the last line of defense of one’s own values manifests itself.
In addition, the risk group includes very quiet, correct and obedient children. They are very convenient for parents and do not manifest themselves in any way, because this desire was suppressed in early childhood. These can also be prodigies and champions, excellent students and very caring children, whose main task is not to let their parents down, to meet their expectations, to prove that the child is worthy of the love and respect of their parents.
- Do you think that any person in a certain situation can commit suicide?
- No. There is such a thing as “basic security” - this is an acquired quality, usually formed in early childhood. If a person possesses this quality, it means that he is able to cope with life’s difficulties, moreover, trials strengthen him. If basic security is very low, difficulties overwhelm the person.
- You said that basic security is being formed...
- Yes. It depends on the situation in the family, honesty, and lack of illusions. Parents do not hide from their children that there are difficulties and even tragedies in life, for example, death. The child does not need to be intimidated by this, but he should know that all this is the norm of life. In addition, the child must have the idea that it is necessary to earn money, that it is not easy. That in life there is a place for conflicts, dishonesty, theft... And these are not problems, but a fact of life. This can and should be dealt with.
- How, for example, can you explain your parents’ divorce to a child?
- Say that some people cannot live together because they have different interests and values. And in order not to swear and not to poison the lives of themselves and others, they decide to live separately.
When a divorce is not made into a tragedy and the blame is not placed on each other, the child feels protected. Of course, he perceives life as a difficult process, but he has the confidence that a way out of any situation, even the most difficult one, can be found.
However, this statement is absolutely not suitable for people who do not have basic security, who lived in deception, were manipulated, etc. For example, mother says: there is no death, son, the dog just fell asleep. And the child lives in a fairy tale for a very long time... And when he finds himself in a real situation - this begins in kindergarten and school - he feels painful blows. He learns that there are swear words, that children are not born from cabbage, that someone can be cruel, that there is death... And for him this truth turns out to be terrible, and he cannot and does not want to accept it...
- Is it possible to create basic security in yourself?
- This is exactly what psychotherapy does. True, the process of working with a psychologist can last from one to seven years. A person not only needs to open his eyes to reality, make him grow up, but also work with his emotions - after all, not all clients are ready to immediately perceive the information given to them. Along the way, you have to explain to the client that the psychologist works with him sincerely, and takes money because this is actually his job... That is, it takes quite a long time to build trust.
And only after some time a person becomes calmer, his actions become more motivated, more skillful. And then he understands that everything is accessible and controllable, the main thing is to know that I can handle it.
How to support a potential suicide
good advice
* Sympathize, but do not feel sorry.
* If a person is angry, get angry with him so that he does not hoard
emotions within yourself.
* Support must be direct.
* You can swear at people with whom your loved one is dissatisfied. Like, really, what are they doing to you?! Stronger expressions can also be used.
* If a person suffers, cries, complains, you can also be annoyed in response. There is more energy in frustration than in pity.
*You should not give advice. The one who advises takes responsibility. Just because a person does what you told them to do does not mean it will work, and in that case it will be your fault. In addition, other people's advice does not give a person the opportunity to act on his own.
* Comforting a person is not very useful. If you say: don’t be upset, it’s all nonsense - you are devaluing problems that are actually very important to him.
* A constructive way to help is to consider with the person several options for getting out of a difficult situation - preferably three options or more. Offer them, but in a questioning form: what if you do this? Or so? This helps a person explore different possibilities, analyze the development of events for each option, see the disadvantages and, of course, the advantages.
By definition, betrayal is a violation of fidelity. You can be unfaithful towards people, any principles, the Fatherland, etc. We will talk about betrayal in love: what pushes a person to cheat, what reasons can lead to infidelity and what this can lead to.
Reasons for betrayal
So what pushes a person to cheat??
Reasons cheating spouses There can be various factors, ranging from banal dissatisfaction with family life and ending with the psychological characteristics of the partner. It is worth mentioning the most basic, common motives for infidelity.
Novelty of sensations
This is the most banal and most common reason that spouses use to justify their infidelity. It occurs when marriage becomes a routine. The boring monotony of life makes you want to change something, get away from the disgusting reality, diversify your relationships and bring a fresh wave of forgotten sensations into your life.
This underlying reason is chronic and is accompanied by long-term relationships with lovers.
Pure chance
Infidelity can also occur in quite prosperous families, when one of the spouses finds himself in a situation that causes an outburst of emotions. If there were no plans in advance to start a relationship “on the side”, there were no previous romantic courtships, and everything happened spontaneously.
Such adultery is random in nature and is repeated extremely rarely. If the connection has not been noticed by anyone, it often does not affect family life in any way.
Middle age crisis
Oh, how I don’t want to grow old! Each person has his own age mark when the consciousness notices fading externally and in feelings. This usually happens by age 40 or a little later.
For their own self-affirmation, men begin to court other women, often much younger than themselves. The favor of young people gives the illusion of the return of youth, and with it self-confidence.
Women experience this age mark no less painfully. It is the attention of men from the outside that gives them a chance to make sure that attractiveness has not yet been lost. Therefore, often even on a subconscious level, women resort to flirting and accept courtship, which often develops into more serious relationships.
This type of infidelity is dangerous for a marriage if the spouses in the family do not receive enough attention and compliments that increase their self-esteem.
Ill-considered marriage
It is not uncommon for adultery to result from cases where the decision to marry was made purely emotionally, based only on rosy dreams of a happy family life. This is especially true for early marriages. When faced with the reality of life, young spouses may not be ready to accept it and solve problems. There is a desire to quit everything and start a new life with another partner.
If the husband and wife do not have enough wisdom to solve problems, the marriage will fall apart.
Revenge
The stupidest reason for cheating. By avenging in this way for infidelity or inattention, the spouses not only fail to achieve what they want from their “half”, but also aggravate relations in the family.
Conclusion
It is impossible to say definitely what pushes you to cheat. Each person is individual and family relationships are made up of a lot of different factors. But that, what does cheating lead to?, can be called with a high degree of probability. Think about this and remain faithful to your chosen ones.
The concept of betrayal is quite broad. You can cheat on yourself, your homeland, or a loved one. Each specific case has its own reasons. Of course, it is impossible to justify betrayal, but you can at least understand its reasons. Nothing in life happens for nothing. Sometimes a person lacks love and support, then he betrays a loved one. Disillusioned with his state, he commits treason against his homeland. I in no way condone such actions, I’m just trying to figure out what pushes a person to cheat and how to avoid it in your life.
Almost all types of betrayal have been described in the literature: to a loved one, to the Motherland, to oneself. If we talk about betrayal in love, then the novel by L.N. immediately comes to mind. Tolstoy's Anna Karenina. A woman married an old man, never loved him, cheated on him with another man and paid for it with her own life. This model is found not only in this particular work, but also in Ostrovsky’s “The Thunderstorm”.
Both women, and, lacked love and attention from their husbands. They both met young people, fell madly in love and committed a sin. The authors convey a very important message: you cannot build a strong marriage without feelings, because a sudden surge of feelings can ruin lives. It can also be said that these two women did not have clear life principles if they gave in to the dictates of their hearts.
For example, from the novel “Eugene Onegin” she also loved the main character, but she had to marry another person. But the woman did not dare to cheat, because she could not betray her moral ideals. My point of view on this very complex issue is this: only a weak-spirited person can allow betrayal.
Treason to the Motherland is a fairly common situation in literature. In the story by A.S. Pushkin's "Captain's Daughter" is shown to be a real traitor. He is despised because he betrayed not only his homeland, but also his beloved girl. He grovels before the enemy so as not to die and so as not to fight. I think fear is the main reason for his behavior. He is afraid of difficulties, afraid to die for his Motherland and has no honor, unlike Pyotr Grinev.
Cheating is a very difficult situation that has a significant impact on those around you. People must be faithful to each other; it is better to immediately admit your intentions than to blatantly betray someone who trusts you.