An uncommunicative child: what should parents do? Unsociable child: solving the problem together

Parenting

2625

14.04.13 10:08

Any mother, hearing from a stranger (teacher, friend, relative) that her child is uncommunicative, is very surprised. How can this be, because they play and talk with him a lot.

And in the process of joint play activities, the baby unfolds such entertaining stories that it becomes simply impossible not to communicate with him! Unfortunately, no matter how wonderful and fun a mother has with her child, no matter how creative he is, it is not an indicator that he can play and fully communicate with other children.

The problem of isolation and low sociability manifests itself most clearly when the child begins to attend a preschool educational institution or so-called “development groups”.

Observing him, you can notice his desire to stay away from others, and when another child approaches him with an offer to play or watch him play, he immediately stops his vigorous activity, collects toys and, as it were, “fences them off” from everyone. In this way he protects his personal space, into which he does not want to let anyone in.

Sometimes parents look at this behavior with condescension. They say that just wait a little, their child will grow up and everything will change. Or they express an opinion about the advanced development of the baby, who is not interested in playing with peers due to differences in interests.

But all these are ordinary parental misconceptions, which in the near future may cause the child to be rejected from children's society. And the result of this can be quite disastrous:

lack of friends;
ignoring not only by children, but also by adults;
loss of personal dignity, since it is not confirmed from the outside;
low self-esteem;
bitterness;
loneliness.

And these are not all the problems that may lie in wait in the future for a child who has not been able to learn to communicate.

If you nevertheless saw and agreed with the existing problem in your child’s communication, then do not panic. It is easily solvable, you just need to be patient and desire to help the baby. This “work” to overcome unsociability will take place in several stages.

First you need to understand what the reason is. Most often, child psychologists talk about “ fear of strangers" And he is afraid because his mother is the center of his little universe.

The kid is so used to only communicating with her that he does not admit the possibility and possibility of it with someone else. After all, mom won’t bite, fight, or take away her favorite toy. And if he suggests an interesting game, he will only help you play, and will not become its main character.

You will say that this is pure selfishness, and you will be right. Nature arranges it this way that a child under 7 years old is not able to fight this feeling on his own; it will pass later, but only with your help.

What to do? How can I help my child get rid of this fear?

Firstly, become an active participant not only in games with your child, but also with other children in the sandbox. Don't be shy about it. You will see that after a couple of these “exits” of yours, other mothers will join your games.

And the effect will be amazing: the child will see with his own eyes that other children are not “scary” at all, they know how to play and they have their own toys, which are also interesting and beautiful, so no one will try to take away his favorite shovel, car or doll.

Moreover, he will really want to ask for someone else’s toy while playing. Feel free to take action, first set an example of how to ask, then invite him to do it himself.

Secondly, invite the children you go out with at least once a week to visit. The main thing here is that in this case the child is on his own territory, he is the owner and it is much easier for him to establish contact.

Remember, at first both mothers should be close to the children continuously. After several such visits, it will be possible to limit yourself to being nearby, and after a month the adults will calmly go and drink tea while the kids play enthusiastically.

Third when the stage " sandbox adaptation", start teaching your child phrases and answers to start a conversation: “Hello, my name is...,” “Thank you, let’s play together...”, “Let’s do something like this together...”, etc.

Fourth, do not make a number of mistakes, otherwise all your work will fail: do not force communication on your child, he himself must express his desire, having become infected by your play with other children; Forget the particle “not-” for a while, it has the exact opposite effect on the child; end your walk with kind words towards other participants in the games; Be sure to talk with the baby, find out his attitude to what is happening and his playmates, this is very important for understanding the baby’s feelings and experiences and will also help you find new ways to motivate him to communicate.

And most importantly, be patient, remember that to consolidate a skill in a preschooler’s behavior, it requires repetition twenty times. And for the rest, your great love and concern for the future of your “little sun” will help you.

In modern society, there is a natural stereotype according to which a child should be open, sociable, and show interest in the outside world. If he is different - uncommunicative and closed - this is perceived by society as a deviation from the norm. Caregivers and teachers of such a child often want to “remake”, forcibly “make friends” with other children, sometimes breaking his entire mental organization, forcing him to experience unpleasant, painful moments.

We will consider two options in which a child can show his unsociability. In the two cases presented, parents must behave in different ways.

1. Unsociability resulting from external reasons. In this case, you need to look for the source of the sudden isolation. If self-absorption is not typical for your child and he was not previously reserved, it means that some changes have occurred in his mental state: perhaps he quarreled with a friend and is now worried, or he does not understand the demands of the new teacher.

It is necessary to make every effort to find out the reason. Try to have a heart-to-heart talk with your child. Begin the conversation carefully so as not to scare him or make him feel guilty. Surely he will not answer the direct question “What happened? Why do they tell me that you don’t want to communicate with anyone in kindergarten?”, try to act more subtly. It cannot be ruled out that the baby may simply be tired from activities, or may be in a bad mood or feeling unwell.

2. Unsociability as a personality trait. If a child is an introvert by nature and prefers loneliness to communicate with peers, there is no need to change him. And even more so, there is no need to constantly remind your child that he uncommunicative and make disappointing predictions (“You’ll be left alone and won’t meet anyone”).

If the child himself is not bothered by this issue, then you should not raise it or put pressure on him in any way. The time will come, and he will open up to interact with others. In the meantime, he can be very comfortable and interesting with himself: often such children like to think, fantasize, daydream, and construct their own worlds. There is no need to interfere and force him to interact with others if the child does not need it.

But if a child is worried about his own unsociability, he wants to communicate, but does not know how, he is shy, then it is necessary to unobtrusively and subtly teach him this: invite guests to the house, enroll him in a circle of interest where he can find like-minded people, just talk to him.

In conclusion, I would like to note that the task of parents is not to “fit” their own child into the framework of this society, but to help him reveal himself in all his fullness, to express himself.

If you liked this material, please click on the button from facebook, vkontakte or twitter (located below) so that other people know about it.
I will be very grateful! Thank you!

I found it on the Internet, maybe it will be useful to someone.

Some children easily make friends already in the sandbox, while others, even at an older age, prefer to go about their business away from noisy companies. And if a child’s sociability and desire to be visible are easy to encourage and support, then what to do with a withdrawn child is completely unclear. How to raise such a child so that he finds himself in this fast-paced life, without betraying his nature?

How to understand: your child is an introvert or not
At what age can you assume that your child is an introvert? Psychologists believe that it is too early to draw any conclusions about future temperament before two or three years of age. Children go through stages of growth and age-related crises, which can outwardly change their behavior noticeably. In addition, a lot will depend on upbringing.

“All children gain their “I” through communication with others,” says Gestalt therapist Maria Lekareva-Bozenenkova. − Of course, you will not re-educate an introvert into his antipode, however, the warnings “Don’t go near other children, they are big, they will offend you or take away your toy” can provoke wariness and a tendency to maintain distance even in a small extrovert. And the desire to anticipate any desire of the child in an introvert fosters a reciprocal desire to do everything in plain sight, only under the supervision of elders.”

And although the child’s personality will continue to develop for many years, including adolescence, at the age of three or four years the difference in children’s temperaments becomes increasingly obvious.

Before our eyes, the little extrovert literally “recharges his batteries” in games with other children, educational activities in a group, and going somewhere where he gets new impressions. It is also important for him to immediately express his feelings and emotions. In order, for example, to draw alone, such a child has to expend effort. An introverted child will be no less interested in going to the theater or circus, but upon returning home, he is unlikely to agree to play outside with friends. He will most likely want to comprehend his impressions in a quiet game with his favorite toys or with someone close to him. Extroverts explore the world and restore strength through communication and external connections, while introverts do this alone with their own thoughts and fantasies. And both will carry this innate feature of their temperament into adulthood.

Your expectations are your problem, not your child's.
It is in the family that the child receives the first and most important experience of interacting with people with whom he may not have the same character. Therefore, from an early age it is important to recognize the child’s main right - to be different. Meanwhile, many mothers and fathers begin to mistakenly think that the child is lazy, incurious and too slow. And the main mistake is trying to stir up and “speed up” the baby.

“Often it is extroverted parents who are consciously or unconsciously disappointed with the child, and he, of course, feels it,” says child psychologist Maria Chibisova. – Constantly expecting qualities that are not inherent in his nature will only develop an inferiority complex in a child. And, in order not to upset mom and dad, over time he will either begin to forcefully pretend that he can also be a cheerful and active ringleader, or he will completely withdraw into himself. Both are equally destructive.”

But an uncommunicative introverted parent, who spends most of the time with the baby and protects him from outside contacts, risks exacerbating some of the closedness characteristic of the child. That is why it is important to develop his strengths and help him cope with what is not so easy for him.

pleasant surprises"
The attitude towards fun and spontaneous, even very joyful, surprises largely divides the world of introverts and extroverts. The child cannot cope with the rapid flow of new experiences that he cannot immediately perceive and comprehend. Therefore, tell him in advance about all the plans in which your baby will be included, telling him in detail how this will happen. Ask him leading questions: what kind of animals would he like to see in the zoo or what would he give to his friend for his birthday?

Let your child choose his own rhythm of life
Once you give your child the opportunity to do everything at his own pace, he will surprise you with the thoroughness with which he completes the task. A situation where a mother is in a hurry and nervous is traumatic for any child, but it is especially difficult for an introvert, who since childhood has strived for measured and thoughtful actions. Try to create a daily routine so that in the morning your baby has the opportunity to get up early and leisurely get ready, play with his favorite stuffed animal or watch a short cartoon. Such rituals have an encouraging and calming effect on him.

ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT
It is very important for the child to understand from early childhood: he has the right to his own internal pace and the desire to be alone with himself. This is his peculiarity, his character, and mom and dad respect and appreciate this in him. Even if he is surrounded by brothers, sisters or friends bursting with energy and fun, he should not force himself to do something just “for the company.”

Find out the relationship with him without witnesses
Such children are very sensitive to parental dissatisfaction or anger and may have a particularly hard time if they are reprimanded in the presence of strangers. The conflict situation itself is not easy for a child. And the fact that everything is also happening in public especially frightens him. A child can literally begin to be capricious over a trifle, because he keeps a lot to himself, but in the end he cannot cope with his experiences. If your baby rebels in public, take him away from possible observers. Explain to him why you are not satisfied with his behavior. Be sure to say that you understand how upset he was and that you are very sorry for him. If the child already speaks well, ask him to talk about his offense and invite him to think together about what words in the future he will tell you that he is upset.

Learn to listen patiently to your introverted child
Children of an introverted nature can be misleading, because sometimes they think and feel more than they show. And if you don't help them understand how their brains work, they may underestimate themselves as they grow up. Since childhood, such people need time to calmly process information: to combine into a single whole everything that they saw, heard and absorbed. During the conversation, they literally put everything in order. For a child, such a conversation is a way to organize his impressions. Therefore, when asking him about how his day was in the garden or whether he liked the performance, do not interrupt with leading questions and always give him the opportunity to bring the thought to the end. Introverts, including little ones, need to put in more energy to restore the thread of the conversation and re-formulate their thoughts and experiences into words.

Choose activities for him according to his temperament
It seems to parents that the earlier they begin to develop an interest in learning and at the same time socialize their child, the more successfully he will develop. But for an introvert, such a rollercoaster may not bring joy or instill a dislike for activities. The other extreme is to isolate the baby, otherwise the group will “pick up all sorts of viruses.”

As a result, a child who is not very sociable by nature and who has not gained experience communicating with peers will one way or another face this problem in elementary school. But only there it will be much more difficult for him. “There is no need to select special activities for children in accordance with their temperament,” says Maria Lekareva-Bozenenkova. – It is enough just to be attentive to the child, his interests and inclinations.

The child may well participate in a theatrical performance at a general matinee, but there is no need to force him to read poetry from the stage if he does not want to.” It is necessary that the teacher takes into account the characteristics of all his little charges. For an introvert, changing tasks frequently can be confusing. But his strengths are precisely the ability to carefully engage in one thing for a long time. It is also important that the child is allowed to join group games not immediately, but given time to observe what is happening from the side.

Kindergarten: stages of adjustment for an introverted child
“Children who have difficulty and take a long time to get used to a new environment: do not let go of their mother, cry throughout the day, begin to get sick often, are not necessarily introverts,” says Maria Chibisova. - Rather, they are simply more attached to home, feel their mother’s constant anxiety and are not yet sufficiently socialized. Moreover, they can have any temperament.” It is also true that your child may have a harder time adapting to an unfamiliar environment than his more outgoing peers. But if you help him competently, the process of addiction will be painless and faster.

1. Before your child goes to kindergarten, go together to his future group. Introduce him to the teacher and show him the toys, play with them and identify his favorite ones. If the interest of an extroverted child can be maintained by reminding him of new friends and playing together with them, then an introverted child needs to be interested in toys and those activities that he began to master in the garden.

2. If the child refuses to eat and sleep, ask the teacher not to insist. This is directly related to the difficulties of adaptation, and any pressure in the first days will only aggravate the stress. As he gets used to it, he will begin to eat and sleep like other children.

3. Ask how your child’s day went and what he especially liked. He may not tell you much. Ask the teachers and remind him of the pleasant moments. When you pick him up from kindergarten, he may be silent - there is no need to attack him with questions. Give him the opportunity to just be with you: talk about something neutral. And then you can return to talking about how his day went.

All children are different, even in the same family, but all are loved
Even in the most friendly families, where brothers and sisters are attached to each other, things cannot happen without conflicts and quarrels. “If in a family mom and dad know how to find compromises, first of all, with each other and accept children as they are, without trying to make them a little “fun” or “calmer,” then children also adopt this tolerance, the ability to see their own in a different person. the best and most interesting sides,” says Maria Chibisova. - When parents do not accept each other’s differences, they risk getting a family split into “calm and boring” and “fun and noisy.” In the future, the child risks carrying such a black-and-white picture of the world and inability to interact with those who are different into adulthood.”

To clearly explain to children their differences, ask them to imagine an invisible circle in which each person is located. For some it is very large, for others it is noticeably smaller. Explain that if the circle is small, a person may feel uncomfortable when they come too close to him, suddenly start to slow him down, or talk loudly. You could even have the kids play a game of determining the size of that invisible circle around each family member. Stand on the sidewalk and move towards the child. As soon as he feels the urge to step back, ask him to say, “Stop.” Use chalk to mark the place where you stopped and draw a line around it. Each family member will most likely have a different circle size. This way you will clearly show children their comfort zone, which may not be the same.

Explain that there is nothing wrong with this. Teach your introverted child to politely ask his siblings or friends to give him more physical space: “It's great to go on the swing together, but could you move a little?” And tell more extroverted children that if someone unexpectedly leaves the game or moves to another seat from them, this will not affect their friendship in any way. A brother or sister just needs a little space of their own.

Nowadays, when technological progress often replaces people's communication in real life, the problem of isolation in children is becoming more and more acute. Kids see that their parents only need a short telephone conversation, and in the evenings all family members go to their own corners and sit in front of the TV, with a tablet in their hands, or at the computer. What conclusion should the child draw? That’s right, the child subconsciously becomes convinced that communication is not such a necessary thing for life.

The inability and fear of making contacts can then have a bad impact on his adult life, and the little man will need to get a profession, fall in love, start a family, make friends in the end...

In addition, a withdrawn, shy child reacts very painfully to non-standard life situations. And, as you and I know, there will be many more. Undefeated isolation in childhood often becomes the cause of a serious inferiority complex.

The task of parents is to help an introverted child fall in love with the world around him. But what exactly should you do?

What it is?

Isolation is not a disease. This is a defense mechanism with which the child tries to protect his inner world from dangers coming from the external world.

Closedness is very rarely inherited; it is usually an acquired character trait. The child becomes closed under the influence of external factors - methods of education, family environment, conflicts at school or in kindergarten.

Some neonatologists are inclined to believe that the cause of isolation is a consequence of premature pregnancy. As is known, babies born prematurely are isolated in separate intensive care units, and the babies spend the first days of their lives without their mother. They are deprived of communication.

Psychologists often say that isolation is formed at the age of 1 year.

First of all, parents need to learn to distinguish isolation from shyness. They are often confused. Both overly shy guys and reserved ones react almost identically to many factors:

They are wary of strangers and unfamiliar people.
They perceive any cardinal changes in their usual way of life painfully.
They are restless and subject to frequent mood swings.

So what is the difference between them? A shy child, despite everything, strives for communication, and is very worried when it does not work out. A withdrawn child does not communicate because he does not know how, why and for what purpose. He practically does not feel the need to communicate at all. A shy child needs to be taught how to organize communication, and a withdrawn child needs to be motivated to communicate. Until he himself wants to come into contact with the world around him, even an army of psychologists cannot do this for him.

A shy child, unlike a withdrawn one, wants communication and strives for it, but worries when something doesn’t work out the way he would like.

So how to recognize a withdrawn child?

Symptoms

The child speaks little or not at all. If he deigns to address someone verbally, he does so in a quiet voice or even in a whisper.
The baby does not adapt well to a new team (this could be a kindergarten, a section, a playground near the house, where other people’s children play every day). In such places, your child tries to stay away and be a mute observer.
The child practically does not express personal opinions. Prefers to agree with the opinion of the majority or generally refrains from making judgments.
The child has no friends or very few of them, and communication with them occurs extremely rarely.
The kid has a strange hobby. Or he persistently asks to get him not a kitten or a puppy, as other children do, but some exotic creature - a snake, a chameleon, an iguana, insects.
The child has learning difficulties, especially in those areas of knowledge where communication skills are required - oral subjects, creative clubs.
The child is extremely tearful. He reacts to any incomprehensible situation with burning tears.

Introverted children have a harder time adapting to a new team

Introverted children may have learning problems because they do not know how to work in a team

Closedness also has manifestations on the physical level. Such children are distinguished by shallow and frequent breathing, and gesticulate little. Closed-off guys often keep their hands behind their backs or in their pockets. Often, withdrawn children have stomach pain, and there are no serious medical reasons for the pain. And the called doctor usually throws up his hands: “On nerves!”

So why do children become withdrawn?

Causes

Disease. Some diseases affect the psychological state of the child. Frequently ill children are also at risk. They may become withdrawn because they spend a lot of time at home and do not attend school or kindergarten.
Temperament. If your child is phlegmatic, a certain amount of isolation is his innate trait. You won't achieve anything here with correction.
Lack of communication and attention. If the child is the only one in the family or the parents devote too little time to the baby.
Strictness of parents. Excessive demands suppress the baby’s initiative; he may begin to feel unwanted, unaccepted, and as a result, the baby withdraws.
Severe psychological trauma. A child may go into voluntary psychological isolation from the outside world after severe stress. For example, he lost one of his family members, his parents divorced, his loved ones are sick or often loudly argue in front of the child.
Constant dissatisfaction of parents with the actions and words of the baby. Either he eats too slowly, then he takes a long time to get dressed, or he makes loud noise. Constantly pulling back makes the child nervous and unsure of his actions. As a result, he may become isolated.
Private physical punishment, especially if it is disproportionate to the offense and is harsh and cruel.

Children who are often sick and find themselves without communication with their peers may also become withdrawn

Determining the true reason for a child’s isolation is always more difficult for someone who is often around the baby. Big things, as you know, are seen from a distance, so it makes sense for parents to seek help from a psychologist. The specialist will characterize the degree of isolation of the toddler and help establish contact between the child and others and suggest ways to correct behavior.

What should parents do?

Act. And immediately.

Expand your child's social circle. Take him to kindergarten, to the playground, to the park, to the zoo. Where there are always a lot of other children. Naturally, he will not immediately begin to communicate with them, let him stand aside for some time. Gradually, if everything happens without pressure, he will begin to take part in general games and talk with new friends.
Provide your child with tactile contact. When talking with strangers or being in new, unfamiliar places to your child, always hold his hand. Introverted children desperately need a sense of security. Hug your baby often at home. Learn how to do a light relaxing massage and give it to your child before bed.
Teach your child to express feelings in words. If he's sitting by the window alone again, don't ignore it. Be sure to ask your little one leading questions: “Are you sad?”, “Are you sad because it’s raining outside?”, “When it’s over, will you feel happier?” Encourage your child to “replace” negative emotions. During periods of sadness due to rainy weather, invite him to draw together or watch cartoons. Be sure to discuss with him what you will do.
Create situations where communication is necessary. For example, ask him to take a package of sweets from the store and ask the cashier for its cost. He wants these sweets, but you pretend that you don’t know how much to pay for them. I’m sure the baby will overcome himself and be able to ask a question to a stranger. If not, then the child is not ready yet. Don't rush him. Create a similar situation in a week.
Read fairy tales to your child that contain a lot of dialogue between the characters.
In corrective games, give preference to those that require communication.
Frequently ask your child’s opinion on certain family issues: What to cook for dinner? Where to go on the weekend?
Invite guests to your home. It's better if it's someone you know with children.

A withdrawn child should read more often fairy tales that contain dialogue between the characters.

If your child is withdrawn, invite guests into the house more often, especially with young children.

A withdrawn child simply needs tactile contact with a parent, especially in a new environment.

You can learn how to behave if your child is withdrawn by watching the following video.

Play therapy

Correcting behavior with games is an effective and very simple method and does not require specific knowledge and skills. You can treat a child with the help of play both within the family and in a children's group. Games for withdrawn children of preschool age (5-6 years old) are especially effective. They correct communication problems quite quickly.

"Creating a fairy tale"

Participants should be divided into pairs. Each “two” must mold a non-existent fantastic animal from plasticine. In the middle of the process, the game stops and the pairs of participants change places. Now their task is to complete the creature that other players have conceived. At the end of the creative competition, the guys tell who they came up with, what character it is, what it can do, what it eats, where it lives.

"What will I do?"

Invite your withdrawn child to role-play an unfamiliar situation. For example, a flying saucer landed in your yard. Cute and very friendly aliens came out of it. They are holding a large cake in their hands... Together with your child, role-play your dialogues with these aliens. This will teach your baby not to be shy about talking to strangers.

"Me many years later"

This game is used by psychologists to determine the causes of isolation and to eliminate them. In addition, it will also be useful for sociable children as a means of preventing psychological disorders.

Ask your child to draw himself, but many years later. Look carefully at the picture - you can understand a lot from the drawing of a withdrawn baby:

If he portrays his figure as very small and is not the youngest in the family, this indicates a lack of attention and low self-esteem.
If the figure is large and takes up almost the entire sheet, the child is probably spoiled.
If he drew himself and his family, but himself a little far from others, the baby experiences loneliness.
If the figures are small and the child’s pressure on the pencil is strong, this may be a sign of an increased level of anxiety. The baby does not feel safe, he is afraid to be open.

Parents should not despair and believe that there is no way out. Closed and uncommunicative children are not a death sentence. This is the starting point for active action.
Mom and dad should show every day by personal example that communication is interesting, educational, exciting and useful - it helps to solve some problems. They should demonstrate all this to the withdrawn child and tell them what positive feelings communication gives them. Go on a visit, invite guests to your place.
You can't rush the bug. He himself will choose the best moment to start communicating with someone. Pushing him and pushing him towards this is the wrong way. This can cause even more withdrawal. The kid will build a real iron curtain, which will be very difficult to lift.
The basis of successful correction is goodwill. If the baby feels it, he will not have problems overcoming difficulties in communication.

You need to behave carefully with a withdrawn child, do not rush him, be friendly and welcoming

In the following video you can find out what to do if your child is uncommunicative and how to help him.

Photobank Lori

When Marina comes to pick up four-year-old Varya from kindergarten, she gets upset every time. All the children are running around the playground, heatedly discussing something and laughing, and her girl sits in the sandbox or in the corner of the room all alone. She looks quite happy, is always busy with some kind of activity - plays, draws, puts together pictures, sometimes talking to herself. But he doesn’t even look in the direction of other children. “Why don’t you play with the guys?” - Marina asks on the way home, and Varya answers: “I just don’t want to.” Marina remembers herself as a child and is surprised. She adored friends and could not imagine playing, if not in company, then at least with a couple of her best friends.

Photobank Lori

So, one of the reasons for unsociability may be a delay in social development, when the child simply does not yet feel the need to make contact with peers. At home, in the circle of well-known and significant people, such children are most often quite sociable and approachable, and they are not at all upset by the lack of friends among the children.

Family situation

Another reason may lie within the family itself. Perhaps the parents live secluded lives and do not like guests, communicate little with each other and prefer to sit silently in front of the computer or TV. In this case, the child will simply have nowhere to take a role model, and he will also sit with toys or cartoons. An overbearing, overly strict mother is another possible reason, especially if severity and coldness alternate with outbursts of adoration. The child, not understanding what to expect next from the person closest to him, intuitively tries to have less contact with the outside world and not show his interest in other people.

Congenital shyness

My nephew has had one like this since childhood. He didn’t like “kisses and hugs” and wasn’t drawn to children. Now 22 years old, still the same. No, he has friends, and he goes out in groups. But he feels great alone and often does not need company. By the way, he’s a very smart guy, has an amazing memory and does everything on the fly, but he’s not ambitious and a little lazy.

If a child clearly craves communication, but cannot decide to approach first, perhaps he is too shy and timid. There is no need to rush to blame him and try to persuade him to “stop being afraid like a little one.” After all, with a high probability, these qualities were inherited by him from one of his parents.

Geneticists, who received, along with the deciphered genome, almost universal keys to the secrets of human behavior, for some reason became especially interested in shyness. Thanks to several studies from Harvard University and the University of Wisconsin, it was found that shyness and timidity are caused by... Insufficient activity of certain genes in the cells of the amygdala - and this is the center of fear in our brain - leads to the fact that a person is too afraid of new circumstances and impressions.

Professor Jerome Kagan, who observed 500 children for 17 years, discovered characteristic signs of shyness even in children in the womb - a significant increase in heart rate in response to external stimuli, etc. And Stephen Suomi from the National Institute of Child Health studied the behavior of rhesus monkeys and showed that some of them also have a genetic predisposition to shyness. But since most people with such innate tendencies overcome them with age and become quite socially successful, it can be difficult to trace heredity. Ask your parents what you were like as a child - and perhaps your child’s behavior will become much clearer to you.

The child is an introvert

It’s strange that we quite willingly give adults the opportunity to be introverts, treating them kindly and with understanding, but we approach children with a more strict standard. A child whose inner life is more active than his outer life, who rests alone and gets tired in company, can be completely happy and successful if he is understood and does not try to force him to “bring him into the public eye.” History knows many examples of this. Introverts are often gifted children who are too immersed in their area of interest and who do not want to spend time and energy communicating on other topics. At the same time, you must be sure that unsociability is not associated with illness, stress, depression or fears. How to understand this? A healthy introverted child knows how and loves to communicate if the subject of the conversation and the interlocutor are interesting to him, if he is not put under pressure and his personal space is not reduced. Yes, to talk with such a child you will have to choose the right moment and be very attentive to the words, but at the same time the communication will be full and calm, and at times incredibly interesting.

How to help an unsociable child

Of course, the child, first of all, must be accepted as he is. If as a child you played tricks all day long with a gang of neighboring children, leave this fact in your life and just remember it with pleasure. The son or daughter lives his own life in which he will have many other ways to find joy. In addition, it is very important here to separate your own resentment from the fact that the child is “not like me” and educational impulses.

Photobank Lori

My eldest was respectable, got along with people with caution, and even now he is stingy with emotions. The younger one is charming and the life of the party. She always encouraged the older one to communicate, and kept the younger one from being too impulsive. I don't see any problem. Both are doing well with friends and in life.

But we still have to admit that at least minimal communication skills are necessary for everyone who plans to study, work, or start a family. Therefore, even the most uncommunicative child can be treated carefully and gradually. According to the British studies described above, among people with a genetic predisposition to shyness, about 80%, with proper training, become socially quite successful and achieve even greater success. But for this you need to act gradually, step by step.

1. Communicate yourself. By getting real pleasure from conversations with friends and family, from shared experiences and exchange of opinions, you demonstrate to your child all the advantages of communication and show ways to achieve this. By encouraging your child to talk, at first you can say important things for him. For example, on the playground, instead of demanding “Go, meet a boy!”, start these acquaintances yourself: “Hello, we walk here every day, and you? What is your name?" Don't worry if your child is silent - one day, when he feels confident, he will definitely speak.

2. Talk to your child correctly– attentively and without pressure. Encourage him to talk about his feelings and desires. You can practice communication skills with kids through games and toys. For example, a bear came to a store (hospital, kindergarten) and starts a conversation with dolls and a bunny. Older children need to learn to conduct a dialogue, to “read” the non-verbal signals of the interlocutor about when he wants to listen and when to speak. The child will be able to understand this in conversations with you, but only if you encourage his participation and. A good tip is to watch a talk show on TV together with the sound off and try to guess what the conversation is about.

3. Don't criticize his friends. This is very, very important. Psychologists believe that just one friend is enough for a child to feel confident and satisfy his need for communication. Finding such a person is not easy for an unsociable child, so you risk depriving him of an important achievement. Perhaps it seems to you that this communication is “poor quality” - they giggle stupidly together, silently play computer games, wander the streets. But couples in love also sometimes look strange from the outside, don’t they? The chemistry that arises between people is sometimes not expressed in words and is difficult to see from the outside.

4. Help your child navigate social networks. Yes, it seems to you that this is a catch, because children immediately “fall through” into virtual communication. But for many introverted and shy children, writing a message on the screen is much easier than saying it out loud, and social networks allow you to communicate with those who are physically far away, but close in interests and temperament. (By the way, if a silent child actively chats and shares information online, it will mean that he actually needs communication). Of course, here, as elsewhere, you need to maintain a balance - for example, agree that virtual conversations are possible only with those you know personally and limit the time you spend at the computer to a couple of hours a day.

But don’t make the mistake of telling everyone around you how bad your child is, and don’t constantly try to place him in a company he doesn’t want to be in. Failures, fear and too much stress can cause him to close himself off from the world even more. It is much more effective to encourage even small successes, to invite into an adult conversation even topics that seem too serious to you, and to emphasize in every possible way the importance of the words spoken by the child.