An age difference of four years or more is considered large. What are the advantages?
First of all, the mother will not have to cope with pregnancy and a small child at the same time. The mother's body will be completely restored, the woman will rest and regain strength.
In addition, an older child will already be able to be independent, if not completely, then partially. He will even be able to help with caring for the baby, but you should not make your first-born a nanny-nurse. This should bring joy to the older child, he should feel that he is acting of his own free will, only out of love for his younger brother or sister.
But there are also disadvantages to a large age difference. First of all, children with such differences rarely become close friends, because they have different interests. And if the difference is 14-16 years, then the first-born cannot perceive the second child as equal to himself. Children's needs are completely different, one will need diapers changed, while another will ask for help with trigonometry problems. It will be difficult for mom to switch from one task to another.
It is possible that the first-born, who until now understood himself as the only child in the family, will not be at all happy about the new addition and for him the youngest will become a rival for the love and attention of his parents. Jealousy will be almost inevitable. But there are children who dream of a brother or sister, so the number of conflicts will be minimized.
A small age difference is considered to be a difference of up to three years. The advantages are that the children are similar, they have more common interests, and they enjoy each other’s company. The life of children who were born with a small age difference is easier to organize from a technical and practical point of view. They can go to the same kindergarten, then to the same school, section, club, they will go to bed at the same time and listen to the same fairy tales.
But there are also negative aspects, for example, raising two small children is difficult and requires a lot of strength and energy. After all, even one small child can greatly complicate life. In addition, the maternity leave will drag on and it will be very difficult to get back on track after such a long break from work.
Psychologists advise waiting at least three years between the birth of your first child and your second. In this case, each child will receive his share of the necessary attention and care, and parents will not be very tired. Gynecologists also agree with psychologists, because the female body needs rest. And mothers who have similar experience say that the difference is always individual, because it is very important to find a middle ground, think through everything, take into account all the factors that affect the family, its budget, psychology, and physical capabilities. You should think about a second child when everything is already settled and in the right direction.
Having decided that the best cure for childhood selfishness will be the birth of a second child, parents begin to calculate the ideal age difference between children. Let's look at the advantages and disadvantages of each age range.
Children of the same age
Pros. Children grow and develop at the same time, the two-year age difference is practically not felt: the kids have common friends, a common range of interests, hobbies, they are interested in the same toys. They are comfortable playing together; they live harmoniously in the same room. Meanwhile, mom is given a little more time for herself and household chores, while the children are busy playing together.
According to leading psychologists, behavior needs to be corrected less often. They almost never experience feelings of jealousy, firstly, because they have not yet become complete egoists, and, secondly, they really need a friend with whom they can play.
A woman who is focused on building a career and wants to reach certain heights will find a significant advantage in successive pregnancies. At first it will seem to her that she has buried her professional ambitions in a pile of diapers, but this is not entirely true. As a rule, a mother of similar children is on maternity leave for about four years, and not twice for three years, when the difference between children is greater. In addition, a mother of the same age perfectly remembers every stage of the child’s development, which greatly simplifies caring for her second child.
Minuses. According to many parents, such children are rarely planned. Often the news of a second child comes as a shock to both spouses. They have just begun to learn the basics of parenthood and are simply not psychologically prepared for another pregnancy. However, a child conceived in a prosperous family living happily, as a rule, is given life.
Since the young mother’s body has not yet fully recovered from the first pregnancy, the second may have complications. Actually, obstetricians-gynecologists believe that the optimal rest period for a woman between pregnancies is 2-3 years.
In addition, caring for the weather at the first stage requires a lot of physical resources from the mother. Children require attention simultaneously and categorically: both need to be bathed, fed, rocked to sleep. The ideal option is grandparents who will temporarily take care of the older child.
It is believed that the birth of the same year becomes a real test for the love between husband and wife. Both mom and dad have been living at the limit of their physical and emotional capabilities for a long time. This leads to conflicts and it is very important to find a balance that will help preserve the family.
Having children 1-2 years apart becomes stressful for a working mother. She fears that she will irrevocably lose her qualifications, and that her honors diploma and bright prospects will be unclaimed.
Age difference between children 2-4 years
Pros. It is this age difference between children that experts consider optimal. Children are still united by many interests characteristic of this age. Moreover, the older child is already able to take care of himself. He knows how to eat on his own, dress himself, invent a game and follow its script. The younger one, in turn, carefully watches the older one and copies his actions. It has been noticed that second children with a difference of 2-4 years are more intelligent and developed.
The first child is responsible for the younger one; he can be trusted to look after him while his mother does housework.
Considering that the female body takes about 2 years to prepare for a new pregnancy, from a physiological point of view, now is the time to give birth to a second baby.
Minuses. The older child often feels jealous of the younger one. Parents will have to learn to give love to their children in equal proportions so that neither of them feels deprived. Otherwise they may get hurt.
For a woman dreaming of a career, this age difference is not the best option. Having just returned from maternity leave, having restored business contacts, and determined to fulfill her professional needs, she is forced to apply for child care again.
Age difference between children 5-7 years
Pros. A mother can care for a newborn without being torn between both children. After all, the first child went to school, he is independent, more or less reasonable. While the eldest is in class, the young mother is caring for the baby. It is possible to accompany a first-grader to school and meet him, which is often a big problem for working parents.
I'm 7 years older. All my hobbies were sacrificed, since it was hard for my mother with a stroller to take me to dancing, singing, etc., and then, when I grew up and could already go to clubs and sections myself, again everything was not, thank God, because my mother did not I made it from work to kindergarten after my sister.
However, in the afternoon, the mother will have to be able to find time for both children: feed the younger one, help the older one with homework.
By the way, such an age difference will allow both children to be educated. The financial burden of children's education will not be too heavy if there is a 5-7 year gap between the children.
The first child can be a great helper for mom. Unless he's jealous, of course.
Minuses. Most likely, children 5-7 years apart will not play together - their intellectual development, interests and hobbies are too different.
It is very important for parents to be able to devote time to both children: the eldest is experiencing problems, he is under stress and really needs the support of mom and dad. A lot depends on successful acclimatization: interaction with classmates, teachers, academic performance in general. The youngest child is at the peak of his development; he, like a sponge, absorbs everything he sees, hears, feels. Mom and dad are like a beacon for him, showing the right course for development.
If parents fail to find a middle ground between the older and younger child, there is a high probability of jealousy and even hatred of the elder towards the younger.
Age difference between children 8-10 years
Pros. An older child can take care of himself: prepare breakfast or run the washing machine.
By the time their second child is born, parents have time to advance well in their careers, improve their living conditions, and see the world.
Minuses. For the first child, accustomed to the fact that the microcosm of the family revolves around him, information about the upcoming addition to the family will strike like thunder on a clear day. On his part, it is possible not only to display protest sentiments, but also outright aggression.
Children have no common interests. Moreover, an elder who is asked to babysit a child often perceives him as a burden. In the future, they will vie for their parents' attention and compete in achievements. Chances are that children with such an age difference will never be particularly close.
Parents have long forgotten the basics of caring for newborns. And the vision for many things has radically changed and improved. Therefore, mom often catches herself thinking that she is going through this stage all over again.
Age difference in children is more than 10 years
Pros. A late child becomes an outlet for parents, because the eldest has grown up, he is eager to go outside, to be with his peers. He almost doesn’t need his parents’ communication now. Some spouses have a hard time with the so-called “rupture of the energetic umbilical cord.” The second child, 10 or more years after the birth of the first child, allows them to direct all their love and tenderness to the newborn. In addition, the birth of a second baby gives the couple the opportunity to feel young again.
Minuses. It is unlikely that children will be united by brotherly and sisterly feelings. There is a gap of more than 10 years between them.
Of course, all these nuances are quite conditional and largely depend on the environment in which children will grow up. The main thing is that children are healthy physically and psychologically, and for this they need, first of all, parental love.
Is there an ideal difference between children in the same family? In the past, when families had 6-10 children, the age difference between the eldest and youngest offspring sometimes reached 25 years. Now, when on average the number of children is limited to 1-3 children, it is quite difficult to understand what a reasonable age difference between them should be. And yet we will try to do it.
The ideal difference according to doctors and psychologists
It is believed that the optimal time to think about having a second child is when the first one is 3 years old. According to gynecologists, the mother’s body has time to fully recover after the first (previous) birth in 3 years. Subsequent births after 3-10 years are considered easier and faster for women.
Psychologists also recommend a difference between children of at least 3-5 years. This is justified by the fact that until the age of 3, a child needs constant care from his mother. Having reached the age of three, the child becomes more independent, and it is easier for the mother to pay more attention to the new baby in the family.
Experts are convinced that the older child faces difficult times when he goes to school and is faced with the daily need to do homework. After all, a younger brother or sister, without meaning to, will interfere: distract, take away objects, calling for play. However, it has been noticed that younger children, feeling a certain authority of their elders, will repeat everything after them, be equal to them, taking an example in everything.
If the difference is less than 3 years
On the one hand, this option will seem beneficial: children can grow up wearing the same clothes (the younger one will wear the older one’s clothes), there will be no need for strollers and cribs, the kids will play the same games, be interested in the same hobbies. But all this will be difficult for parents, since the children will not need almost the same care, and mother will have to be on alert all the time. And the mother’s body will not have time to fully prepare for another birth.
If the difference between children is more than 10 years
Not everyone manages to have a second child within 10 or more years. Sometimes time is spent on solving housing issues and on a career. Parents who decide to have a child after so many years should prepare for the fact that their children will be completely different: different hobbies, habits, interests. Of course, there are advantages: the elder, being already independent, will help the parents care for the baby, walk and play with him. However, not everything is so rosy: conflicts may arise between children; elders, due to the presence of their own separate interests, will try to distance themselves from the little whim, try to protect their life, full of “adult” interests and hobbies.
Whatever the age difference between children, it is important to remember the main thing - the desire to have a child, so that the child feels loved and needed in the family. And all misunderstandings can be resolved through conversations and communication. It doesn’t matter what the difference is, it is much more important that friendship reigns in the family, the desire to understand each other. Therefore, if parents decide to have more children, you should not cancel or postpone everything because, you see, the difference “will not be the same.”
According to legend - and I really want to believe in it - children choose their own family and parents. They sit on top of the clouds and keep an eye on a suitable “cell of society”, where in 9 months a stork will fly with opportunity.
In fact, it happens in different ways, and the second or third baby can become either an unexpected kinder surprise or a very long-awaited gift. Most parents today prefer to plan for the arrival of children, choosing the best difference between the kids. What difference between an older and a younger child is considered, if not ideal, then optimal and comfortable? How does this or that difference affect the development and relationships of children?
3-5 years: ready for a new round
According to psychologists, doctors and parents themselves, it is this age difference between children that is most comfortable.
Pros:
- the mother has fully recovered and can prepare for the next birth;
- the older child has already mastered the basics of independence - he knows how to eat on his own, goes to the potty, plays with toys and with other children, he has his own interests, so the mother will be able to pay attention to the younger one without harming the first-born;
- the older child may go to kindergarten, which means mom has a little more time for herself during the day;
- The younger child, growing up, tries to imitate the older one in everything and, as a result, develop faster.
Minuses:
- in the older child at that stage the crisis of three years is activated, which is accompanied by the appearance of possible aggressiveness and hysterics;
- there is a high risk of the elder developing jealousy towards the younger if he lacks attention;
- children aged 2-4 years are very active and loud, you will have to teach the baby to speak more quietly when his little brother or sister is sleeping at home;
- You can’t expect the firstborn to help in caring for the younger one - for him he is like a big doll;
- a child who has been told about the imminent arrival of a brother or sister thinks that a child like himself will soon appear in the house - he can play with him, run around on the playground. When the mother returns from the maternity hospital with the baby, the eldest experiences genuine disappointment.
ADVICE. To minimize manifestations of children's jealousy, act on the principle of simultaneous communication: pet one baby, pet the other, play with one, entertain the other.
5-7 years: pleasant with useful
The next most popular difference is 5-7 years, which is understandable.
Pros:
- The older child is about to start first grade or is already a schoolboy; he needs to be accompanied to school and picked up after school, and helped with homework. The new maternity leave provides this opportunity;
- by this time the eldest is already asking for a brother or sister, so he will be ready to help take care of the baby if possible;
- Another plus relates to plans for the distant future - when the youngest goes to university, the eldest will have already graduated, which makes life a little easier for the family if the guys are studying under a contract.
Minuses:
- children have little in common, especially at first;
- the eldest, who is used to feeling like a favorite in the family, feels as if his younger brother or sister has “moved” him from his favorite place on the family throne - this can be very painful for a child;
- there is a risk that the elder will be used too often in the status of a free nanny, and this may have a bad effect on their relationship with each other;
- During this period, the mother herself was literally torn between a first-grader and a baby.
ADVICE. Don’t compare kids with each other and try not to babysit too much with your youngest in front of your first-born. Be sure to praise the elder for any help in taking care of the younger one.
1-2 years: fun to walk together
A very small difference between children of the same age is not in favor of doctors and psychologists, but parents decide to take such a step, wanting to quickly “shoot back.” It happens that the appearance of a second baby turns out to be a complete surprise if the mother believed that while she was breastfeeding, she would definitely not get pregnant.
Pros:
- Mom and Dad still have all the skills for caring for a baby fresh in their memory;
- after the firstborn there are a lot of clothes, toys, gadgets left - you just need to freshen them up;
- children the same age will have a lot in common and will start playing with each other early;
- Mom manages to take one maternity break so she can then concentrate on work. It’s better to be on maternity leave for four years at a time than two times three.
Minuses
- with the weather it is difficult physically and psychologically, because they are both still completely dependent on their mother, and she has to work twice as hard;
- a newborn becomes a competitor for an older baby: the baby considers his mother his property and is not ready to share her with someone else;
- there is a risk of complications in the second birth, because the mother’s body does not have time to recover.
ADVICE. Agree to help from your family and divide your worries into major ones and minor ones that can be put off.
8-10 years or more: same as the first time
This age difference between children is the least attractive to parents.
Pros:
- For parents, a newborn is akin to their first child - they feel young again, experience incomparable emotions from the birth of a little man. Everything is like the first time;
- the family has already achieved a certain level of well-being, so there is no need to save on the child.
Minuses:
- For a teenager, the appearance of a brother or sister at this age can come as a shock and cause negativity (the older child has occupied the “throne” for too long);
- according to recent studies, if the gap between births is more than 5 years, the risk of complications during pregnancy and the birth of a second baby increases.
ADVICE. Ask your elder more often about his feelings, problems and do not introduce too many restrictions into his life in connection with the birth of his youngest.
We hope these expert recommendations will help you choose the ideal time for the birth of your second (third, fourth, etc.) child. One thing is certain: having children is worth it when everyone in the family really wants it.
Small age difference (up to 2 years)
The advantages of a small age difference between children:
Children the same age get used to being together everywhere: going to school and kindergarten together, playing together. They have a common daily routine, they read the same books, like the same games.
This option can also be economically beneficial: a lot of things remain from the older child (clothes, stroller, car seat, toys).
The undoubted advantage of a small age difference is also one, albeit slightly prolonged, maternity leave for the mother, after which she will be able to continue building her career.
Disadvantages of a small age difference between children:
A significant disadvantage is the burden on the mother’s body. According to doctors, a girl needs at least 2-3 years to fully recover after childbirth.
A child requires a lot of attention in the first months of life. If there are two children growing up in a family with a small age difference, feeding, walking, and illness sometimes become a serious challenge for parents.
Growing up children of the same age can also bring parents a lot of anxiety: they will also hooligan, swear and fight together.
Age difference 3 to 4 years
According to psychologists and doctors, 3-4 years is the optimal age difference between children.
Pros:
The older child becomes independent, perceiving himself as a separate person. He can take care of himself and provide his mother with simple assistance. Children are close in development, and the older child can become an example for the younger brother or sister.
Gynecologists also claim that this is the best age difference between children. The female body has time to recover and prepare for the next pregnancy and lactation.
Mom's opinion
Maria Trofimova, mother of two children: The eldest child, Vanechka, is 4 years old, and recently I gave birth to my long-awaited daughter Anechka. I watch with affection the relationships between the children. One day, when Anyuta began to cry, Vanya ran up to me and told me that my little sister was being capricious because she was hungry. I clarified how he found out, and my son replied that he asked her.
Minuses:
For many girls, the disadvantage of such an age difference is repeated pregnancy and maternity leave. As soon as your social life and career begin to improve, you have to return to sleepless nights and diapers.
Many parents with children with such an age difference are faced with the jealousy of the older child. The baby requires much more care, and the older one sometimes does not receive the necessary affection and attention.
Very often, the older child’s behavior deteriorates, he becomes aggressive or hyperactive, thereby trying to attract the attention of his parents.
Age difference from 5 to 7 years
The age difference between children from 5 to 7 years can also be considered optimal according to many criteria:
Pros:
The financial situation and living conditions of the family improve. Parents have time to enjoy a full life: travel, communicate with friends, attend theaters and cinema.
The second child is desired and long-awaited.
Older children develop new interests, hobbies, and friends; they no longer torment their parents with their childhood jealousy; they often beg for a brother or sister themselves.
The appearance of a new family member has a beneficial effect on the formation of the character of older children: they become responsible and dutiful.
Minuses:
An older child may not be too interested in spending time with a younger one, while little ones, on the contrary, often follow their older brothers and sisters. On this basis, conflicts and mutual grievances are possible.
Expert opinion
Ekaterina Dmitrieva, psychotherapist: In order for children to live in harmony with each other, it is not so much the difference in their age that is optimal, but an atmosphere of genuine sincerity, love and acceptance within the family, and high-quality relationships between parents. The responsibility for the well-being of the entire family, each of its members, and for the harmonious development of their children is realized and accepted by the father and mother. It is optimal for every child to feel loved and accepted by both mom and dad, to feel parental protection, support in development and personality formation. Each of the children should know that he is self-sufficient, incomparable with anyone, this will allow the kids to learn to live in harmony with themselves and others.
Age difference of more than 8 years
Pros:
The eldest child becomes completely independent and independent. If a 4-5 year old baby could provide only simple assistance to his parents (bring a diaper, put away toys), then a teenager is able to go to the store, change the baby’s diaper and even sit with him.
Parents do not worry about the fact that their little son or daughter has become quite an adult. A second child will not allow parents to feel lonely.
Minuses:
A large age difference leads to the fact that the younger child’s childhood coincides with the older child’s adolescence. A once obedient baby can turn into a jealous rebel, and the phrase “you’re the eldest, you should...” causes protest, withdrawal, and an emotional break with the parents. The older child should know and feel that he is loved no less, and feel emotional security.
Often younger children grow up spoiled, childish, and not independent.
The age of the parents also matters. A sleepless night at 25 and 35 years old is experienced differently. By middle age, parents may develop many diseases, including problems with blood pressure and heart problems.
What should be considered the optimal age difference between children? It is difficult to give a definite answer to this question. Each child is individual, and what may be ideal for one family may be disastrous for another. Family relationships, material well-being, and the personal characteristics of the child will allow you to make the right choice. If the second pregnancy was a surprise, surround both children with care and love, and any difference in their ages will be better.