1
If a friend's birthday
invited you to my place,
You leave a gift at home -
Useful for yourself.
Try to sit next to the cake.
Don't get into conversations.
you while talking
Eat half as much sweets.
Choose smaller pieces
To swallow faster.
Don't grab the salad with your hands
You can scoop up more with a spoon.
If they suddenly give nuts,
Rash them carefully in your pocket,
But do not hide the jam there -
It will be difficult to take out.
Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom
Try to surrender to mama
The Pope takes no prisoners.
By the way, find out from your mother:
Didn't she forget
Prisoners to beat with a belt on the pope
Banned by the Red Cross.
3
Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white coat.
Lei gently juice on the cloak -
Get a stain.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's coat
The cloak must be put entirely
In thick cherry juice.
Take mother's cherry cloak
And a mug of milk.
Pour milk gently -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's coat
The cloak must be put entirely
In a bowl of milk.
Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white coat.
Lay carefully...
4
There is a reliable way to dad
Forever crazy.
Tell dad honestly.
What did you do yesterday.
If he is able to
Stay on your feet
Explain what to do
Tomorrow you think.
And when with a crazy look
Dad will sing songs
Call the emergency
Her phone number is zero three.
If to dad or mom
An adult aunt came
And leads some important
And a serious conversation
Necessary behind unnoticed
sneak up on her and then
Shout loudly in your ear:
- Stop! Give up! Hands up!
And when from the chair aunt
Falls down with a fright
And spill it on your dress
Tea, compote or jelly,
It must be very loud
Mom will laugh
And being proud of your child,
Dad will shake your hand.
Papa will take you by the shoulder
And lead somewhere.
It's probably there for a very long time.
Dad will praise you.
6
If you are not firmly
Chose a path in life
And you don't know why
Start your labor path
Beat the light bulbs in the porches -
People will tell you, "Thank you."
you help the people
Save electricity.
If you are invited to dinner
Proudly hide under the sofa
And lie there quietly
Not to be found right away.
And when from under the sofa
They will drag by the legs,
Break out and bite
Don't give up without a fight.
If they do get you
And they will put you at the table,
Drop the cup
Pour the soup on the floor.
Cover your mouth with your hands
Fall down from the chair.
And throw the cutlets up,
Let them stick to the ceiling.
In a month people will say
Yours sincerely:
- He looks thin and frail,
But the character is strong.
If you walked in a hat,
And then she disappeared
Don't worry, at home mom
You can lie about something.
But try to lie beautifully
To look admiringly
Hold your breath, mom
I listened to lies for a long time.
But if you lied,
About the lost hat
That her in an unequal battle
Took your spy away
Try to mom
Didn't go to get angry
to foreign intelligence,
They don't understand her there.
Do you need an answer?
Well, keep answering.
Don't shake, don't whine, don't mumble,
Never hide your eyes.
For example, my mother asked:
- Who scattered the toys?
Tell me it's dad
He brought his friends.
Did you fight with your younger brother?
Say he's the first
Kicked you in the neck
And swore like a bandit.
If they ask: - Who is in the kitchen
Have you bitten all the meatballs?
Say that the neighbor's cat
Or maybe a neighbor.
Whatever you're guilty of
Learn to answer.
For their actions each
I must boldly answer.
10
To kick out of the apartment
Various flies and mosquitoes
Gotta pull down the curtain
And spin over your head.
Pictures will fly from the walls,
Flowers from the window sill.
Tumbling TV
The chandelier will crash into the parquet.
And escaping from the roar.
mosquitoes will scatter
And frightened flies
A flock will rush to the south.
Never allow
Put yourself a thermometer
And don't swallow pills
And don't eat powders.
Let the stomach and teeth hurt
Throat, ears, head,
Don't take medicine anyway
And don't listen to the doctor.
The heart will stop beating
But for sure
They won't stick a mustard plaster on you
And they won't inject.
If you are in the hospital
And you don't want to lie there
Wait until your room
The chief doctor will come.
Bite it - and immediately
Your cure is over
The same evening from the hospital
They'll take you home.
If you broke a window
Do not rush to confess.
Wait, won't it start
Suddenly civil war.
Artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.
14
If you stayed at home
Alone without parents
I can offer you
An interesting game.
Called "Courageous Chef"
Or "brave chef".
The essence of the game in preparation
All kinds of delicious food.
I suggest to start
Here is such a simple recipe:
Need in daddy's shoes
Pour out mother's perfume
And then these shoes
Apply shaving cream
And pour them with fish oil
With black ink in half,
Throw in the soup that mama
Prepared in the morning.
And cook with the lid closed
Roughly seventy minutes.
What will you find out
When the adults arrive.
If your friend is the best
Slipped and fell
Point your finger at a friend
And grab your stomach...
Let him see, lying in a puddle, -
You are not upset at all.
A true friend does not love
Grieve your friends.
If you decide in the morning
To behave,
Feel free to lead yourself into the closet
And dive into the darkness.
There is no mother, no father,
Only daddy's pants.
There no one will shout loudly:
- Stop it! Do not dare! Don't touch!
It will be much easier there.
Without disturbing anyone
All day long
And lead decently.
Decided to fight - choose
The one who is weaker.
And a strong change can give,
Why do you need her?
The younger the one you hit
The more cheerful the heart
Watch how he cries, screams
And she calls her mother.
But if suddenly for the baby
Someone stepped in
Run scream and cry loud
And call your mom.
When a guest drops a cup,
Do not hit the guest in the forehead.
Give me another cup, let
He drinks tea calmly.
When this cup is a guest
Drop from the table
Pour tea into a glass for him
And let him drink in peace.
When all the dishes are a guest
Will kill in the apartment,
Have to pour sweet tea
By the collar to him.
If you didn't buy a cake
And they didn’t take me to the cinema in the evening,
You have to be angry with your parents
And leave without a hat on a cold night.
But it's not easy to walk the streets
And go to the dense dark forest.
There you will immediately meet a hungry wolf,
And, of course, he eats you quickly.
That's when mom and dad find out
They scream, cry and run.
And rush to buy a cake
And they will take you to the cinema in the evening.
Beat the frogs with sticks.
It is very interesting.
Tear off the wings of the flies
Let them run on foot.
Train daily
And a happy day will come -
you to some kingdom
Accepted as the chief executioner.
Girls should never
Nowhere to notice.
And don't let them pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up.
Frighten from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.
Met the girl
Show her your tongue right away.
Let her not think
That you are in love with her.
If your mother caught you
For what you love,
For example, drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper
Explain to her what it is
Your surprise for March 8th.
Called the picture
"Dear mommy portrait".
There is no more pleasant occupation
What to pick in the nose.
Everyone is terribly interested
What is hidden inside.
Who hates to look
Let him not look.
We do not climb into his nose,
Let him not come.
Beat friends without respite
Every day for half an hour
And your muscles
Becomes stronger than a brick.
And with mighty hands
You, when the enemies come
You can in difficult times
Protect your friends.
Never wash your hands
Neck, ears and face.
This is a stupid business
Doesn't lead to anything.
Hands dirty again
Neck, ears and face.
So why waste energy
Time to waste.
Shaving is also useless
There is no point.
To old age by itself
Bald head.
See what's going on
In every house at night.
Turning your nose to the wall
Silently adults lie.
They move their lips
In the impenetrable darkness
And with closed eyes
The heel is pulled in a dream.
Don't agree to anything
Go to bed at night.
Don't let anyone
Put you to bed.
Do you want
Years of childhood
Spend under the covers
On a pillow with no pants?
If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And to meet you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
There is a solid refrigerator in the kitchen.
Brake better in dad.
Dad is soft. He will forgive.
When you are your own mother.
Leads to dentists
Don't expect mercy from her
Do not cry in vain.
Be silent, like a captured partisan,
And grit your teeth like that
To not be able to unclench them
Crowd of dentists.
If your mother bought you
There is only a ball in the store
And doesn't want the rest
All that he sees, buy,
Stand up straight, heels together
Spread your arms to the sides
Open your mouth wide
And shout the letter: - A!
And when, dropping bags,
With a cry: - Citizens! Anxiety!
Buyers will rush
With a saleswoman at the head,
The store manager is here
Come and tell mom:
- Take everything for free,
Let him not scream!
If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put on you
Your new coat
It's not worth crawling in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
So as not to spoil and not to dirty
Your new coat
Gotta make it old
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Ride on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Will be old very soon
Your new coat
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
If the whole family swim
You went to the river
Don't interfere with mom and dad
Sunbathing on the beach.
Don't make a cry
Let adults rest.
Not touching anyone
Try to drown.
Who did not jump from the window
Together with mother's umbrella
That dashing skydiver
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.
It's better to tease from the window,
From the sixth floor.
From the tank is also good
When the armor is strong
But if you want to bring
People to bitter tears
Their safest
Tease on the radio.
Born a girl - be patient
Taunts and pushes
And substitute pigtails for everyone,
Who is not averse to pulling them,
But when you grow big
Show them the cookie
And you say: - Figushki! For you
I won't get married.
If there are cockroaches in the kitchen
Marching on the table
And satisfied with the mice
On the floor training battle
So it's time for you
Stop fighting for peace
And throw all your strength
To fight for purity.
visit often
Theater buffet
There are cream cakes
Bubble water.
Like firewood, on plates
Chocolates lie
And from the tube you can
Drink a milkshake.
Don't ask for tickets
To the balcony and to the stalls.
And ask for tickets
To the theater cafeteria.
Leaving the theater
Take it with you
Under a trembling heart
Sandwich in the stomach.
PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN FROM OSTER'S BOOKS!
The books of the author Grigory Oster are not only published in huge editions, but are also the basis for numerous cartoons, performances and productions for young viewers. However, Grigory Oster's bad advice breaks the socio-cultural code of a Russian citizen. It is not clear why the author instills horse doses of patterns of deviant behavior in our children. Are G. Oster's books the mechanism of the Overton Window technology? Do they contribute to the legalization of cannibalism? Read about it in a review of the literary work of one of the most popular and famous contemporary children's writers Grigory Oster.
Grigory Oster does not need to be introduced. He surprisingly successfully combines the status of a writer of both Soviet children's literature and post-Soviet. Starting publishing in 1975, Oster became a playwright for children's theatres. He gained all-Union fame as the creator of scripts for such cartoons as “Kitten Woof”, “38 Parrots”, “Monkeys”. According to him, at that time it was the only way to gain popularity among a wide audience. The harbinger of "Bad Advice" in 1980 and 1986 were two cartoons of the same name, published in the collection "Merry Carousel". In 1990, his book "Bad Advice" was published. In the late 1990s, M. Epshtein and A. Genis included the writer in the "Who's Who in Russian Postmodernism" list, and Oster was the only children's writer on it.
Postmodernism is a trend that, according to the philologist Larisa Rudova, blurs the boundaries, whether it be the boundaries of power structures, ideologies or literary genres. The main thing is to get away from the generally accepted canon, from the official, generally accepted literature. Everything is possible here: horror films (“School of Horrors”), advice (“Bad Advice”), puzzles (“Nasty Tasks”). For Auster, the classical division of literature into genres, such as fairy tale, epic, myth, etc., is unacceptable. All this creates a strictly hierarchical picture of the world, which is unacceptable for Auster. “You can’t treat the authorities like parents. Citizens should not fall in love with state power. You have to fight this love in yourself.”
So how does Oster fight the love of state power? Very simple. Through children's literature. “I always took care of children […] I gave bad advice when they were fooled by the Soviet authorities. I tried to explain that if a large number of obedient children gather at one point on the planet, then they grow into a large number of obedient adults. Here it is, it turns out that ... So, the bad advice from Grigory Oster is not so useful? However, he claims that children, of course, will never follow his harmful advice, because they are for naughty children. And his readers, of course, are obedient children ... In addition, the children's writer claims that his bad advice is an inoculation against stupidity. But every mom certainly knows that vaccination is a microdose, which cannot be said about Auster's books. So why does the author instill horse doses of samples of deviant behavior in our children?
I dare to suggest that the works of Grigory Oster, like postmodernism in general, are aimed at breaking the socio-cultural code of the Russian citizen.
A feature of Russian culture has always been a clear distinction between high and low. In traditional culture, at first through lullabies, and then through fairy tales, the norms of behavior and life attitudes and values were revealed to the child. Then, through epics, and in Soviet times, through heroic literature, adolescents were outlined examples of heroes that they could be equal to. At the same time, in a traditional society and later, in the industrial era, a hierarchical model of the structure of the world was introduced both into the consciousness of an individual and into the public consciousness. In the family, respect for elders was the basis of traditional education, its alpha and omega. The family model was also inherent in the state structure both in the pre-revolutionary era and in the Soviet one.
Let me give you an example from the book How to Use Adults. " The live adult is one of the best clockwork toys. It is not difficult to get an adult ... To get an adult, you must first piss him off. It is quite easy to draw these conclusions. The results are easily achieved with the help of every minute pestering, attacks from different sides, frequent pulling of the hands.».
Grigory Oster recommends his books as an excellent means of bringing children and their parents closer together. But are children aged 6-8 really able to understand the irony of the author? Do such texts strengthen the authority of parents? In my opinion, reading such literature blurs the vertical parent-child relationship, turning parents and children into partners in the game. And, as we often see in reality, the role of the chief is not abolished, but passes to the child. What absolutely turns over the traditional for Orthodoxy, and other religions too, the Parent-Child model, which symbolizes the relationship between God and Man.
Suppose that bad advice is not followed literally by children. But the fact that they undermine the traditional model of relationships in the family and society is absolutely certain.
Over the past 20 years, colossal changes have taken place, which are fixed at the everyday level in statements like: “Well, the youth has gone”, “We were not like that”, “Now the children are different”, etc. Interestingly, those who say this see what are read or their children and grandchildren?
Grigory Oster's subversive work is strongly reminiscent of tests to test knowledge at school, when a child is given the task not to solve an example or write a word correctly, but to choose the wrong one from several options. Can anyone answer the question, why should a student, for example, an elementary school, focus on something wrong at all? Moreover, in such a test, the answers may be partially correct. That is, there is confusion, a mixture of norm and anti-norm: either you need to choose the right answer, then the wrong one ...
But Grigory Oster does not stop there. A topic is introduced into circulation, on which a taboo has been imposed since the dawn of mankind. Cannibalism. Don't believe? "A book about the tasty and healthy food of the cannibal." Here are some "recipes".
Sausage with prudes.
Put three shy girls on a plate next to a sausage and shame until they are browned. Here and eat.
Hiccuping boy in sauce.
To frighten a cowardly boy greatly, put him in a large pot, pour plenty of semolina over it and cook for a long time, occasionally lifting the lid of the pot and slightly scaring him so that he does not stop hiccuping. When serving, again scare a lot.
Sluts with cleaners
Put an equal number of cleans and sluts in one dish, throw in the same three bars of soap, two washcloths, ten shoe brushes and one clothes brush, pour fresh mud, wait until the cleans are cleaned and the sluts are smeared, and solemnly serve to the table.
Another taboo topic that the children's writer did not bypass, this time in the program "School of a Young Father" on the radio "Echo of Moscow". Incest.
A. Nasibov: In one of your interviews, there was a good expression about incest in the family, a completely taboo, forbidden phenomenon.
G. Oster: I believe that in every normal family there is permanent incest: that is, children continuously have parents. In turn, parents continuously have children. And in this terrible war of opposites, the most important thing is born - love, patience, respect. All this gradually, gradually breaks through quarrels, disputes, hatreds, petty hatreds, because, as it were, there can be no hatred of parents for their own children. This is nonsense.
And here, in this place, this uncle with a big mustache, a generally recognized specialist in pedagogy, really wants to say a couple of affectionate ones. In his characteristic manner of casual irony, this uncle oversteps the bounds of what is permitted, raising the topic of incest, which is really closed to discussion in traditional society, on the air of a radio station with an audience of millions. And if once one could say about his bad advice: “Well, what's wrong? It's humor in shorts." Now that attention has been drawn to the topic of cannibalism and incest, there is reason to talk quite seriously. There is reason to believe that these statements of Grigory Bentsionovich are the implementation of technology, conventionally called "Overton's Window of Opportunity".
The essence of technology lies in the consistent change in the perception of the problem in public opinion. “The window is moved, thereby changing the fan of possibilities, from the “unthinkable” stage, that is, completely alien to public morality, completely rejected, to the “actual politics” stage, that is, already widely discussed, accepted by the mass consciousness and enshrined in laws. But in order for the window to move, it is necessary to bring the organism of society to a state of tolerance, that is, the inability to resist harmful external influences. For this, top and bottom are so actively mixed, for this the idea of the hierarchy of the world breaks down. Because where there is a vertical, where there is up and down, there is high and low, there are ideals. And that means clear ideas about what is good and what is evil.
There have already been examples in history of how, with the help of a comical carnival beginning (turning everything upside down), the traditional order of things was broken. I'm talking about the period of the Reformation, when the Catholic Church in Western Europe came under fierce attack. The desacralization of the Church was also carried out with the help of literature. In the 16th century, a satirical trend called Grobianism became popular among the people. Here is an example:
When it starts to get dark at seven,
People go out for a walk.
Who is alone, who is with a friend
They walk through the streets.
And if you walk too
Be smarter and tougher.
You don't have to be embarrassed!
So that the dirt does not stick to the shoes,
You go around the puddles -
Let your friend bathe in them!
Choose your paths.
Put the footboards on everyone you meet.
And for fun, for fun
Push passers-by into ditches!
And having made this promenade,
Surely you will be happy.
It feels like "Bad Advice" is a carbon copy...
As we can see, it is time for Grigory Oster to start writing a textbook on deviantology (deviant behavior is behavior that deviates from generally accepted norms). But publishing children's books, I think, should be banned, guided by the Federal Law on the Protection of Children from Harmful Information. The writer devoted his work to undermining the traditional foundations of Russian society. What openly speaks, for example, even a professor from the United States, a specialist in children's literature Larisa Rudova.
“In essence, we can say that the writings of Grigory Oster are not only a symptom of the state of culture and society that has survived the most difficult demolition, but also one of the tools of this demolition. Moreover, this tool was invested by the author in the hands of the most powerful and important member of society - the child.
Despite this, in 2002 Grigory Oster was awarded the State Prize of the Russian Federation in the field of literature and art for works for children and youth.
Kozlova Elena
Grigory Oster
BAD ADVICE 1, 2, 3, 4
Bad advice 1
A book for naughty children and their parents
Recently, scientists discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: "Wash in the morning" - they take and do not wash. They are told: "Hello to each other" - they immediately begin not to say hello. Scientists came up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do the opposite, and it will turn out just right.
This book is for naughty children.
lost child
Must remember that it
Take you home as soon as
He will give his address.
Gotta act smarter
Say: "I live
Near a palm tree with a monkey
On distant islands.
lost child,
If he's not stupid
Don't miss the right opportunity
Visit different countries.
Hands never anywhere
Don't touch anything.
Don't get mixed up in anything
And don't go anywhere.
Step aside silently
Stand humble in a corner
And stand quietly, without moving,
Until your old age.
Who did not jump from the window
Together with my mother's umbrella,
That dashing skydiver
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.
If the whole family swim
You went to the river
Don't interfere with mom and dad
Sunbathing on the beach.
Don't make a cry
Let adults rest.
without touching anyone,
Try to drown.
There is no more pleasant occupation
What to pick in the nose.
Everyone is terribly interested
What is hidden inside.
Who hates to look
Let him not look.
We do not climb into his nose,
Let him not come.
If your mother caught you
For what you love,
For example, for drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper
Explain to her what it is
Your surprise for March 8th.
The painting is called:
"Dear mommy portrait."
Don't take someone else's
Strangers are looking at you.
Let them close their eyes
Or they'll go out for a while.
And why be afraid of your own!
They won't talk about their own.
Let them look. Grab someone else's
And take him to yours.
Never stupid questions
Don't ask yourself
And not even more stupid
You will find the answer to them.
If stupid questions
Appeared in my head
Ask them immediately to adults.
Let them brainstorm.
visit often
Theater buffet.
There are cream cakes
Bubble water.
Like firewood on plates
Chocolates are lying
And through the tube
Drink a milkshake.
Don't ask for tickets
To the balcony and to the stalls,
Let them give you tickets
To the theater cafeteria.
Leaving the theater
Take it with you
Under a trembling heart
In the stomach, a sandwich.
Born a girl - be patient
Footboards and kicks.
And substitute pigtails for everyone,
Who pull them is not averse.
But sometime later
Show them the cookie
And you say: "Figures, for you
I won't get married!"
If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put on you
Your new coat
It's not worth crawling in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
So as not to spoil and not to dirty
Your new coat
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Roll on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Will be old very soon
Your new coat
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And towards you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
The kitchen has a solid refrigerator.
Brake better in dad.
Dad is soft. He will forgive.
If you are forever rallied,
Illuminated and lead
Don't try to dodge
From movement to celebration.
All the same, it will raise to work
And inspire to a feat
you great and mighty,
And our stronghold.
The main business of your life
Can become any trifle.
You just have to firmly believe
There is nothing more important.
And then it won't hurt
You are neither cold nor hot,
Breathless with delight
Deal with bullshit.
Beat the frogs with sticks.
It is very interesting.
Tear off the wings of the flies
Let them run on foot.
Train daily
And a happy day will come -
you to some kingdom
Accepted as the chief executioner.
Girls should never
Nowhere to notice.
And don't let them pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up
Frighten from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.
I met a girl - quickly to her
Show your tongue.
Let her not think
That you are in love with her.
Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom
Try to surrender to your mother
The Pope takes no prisoners.
By the way, ask your mom
Didn't she forget?
Prisoners beat with a belt on the pope
Banned by the Red Cross.
If you are the whole world of violence
Gonna destroy
And at the same time you dream of becoming
Everything without being anything
Feel free to follow us
On the paved road
We are this way for you
We may even give up.
Don't settle for anything
With no one and never
And those who agree with you
Call cowardly.
For this, everyone will start you
Love and respect.
And everywhere you will have
Full of friends.
If there are cockroaches in the kitchen
Marching on the table
And satisfied with the mice
On the floor training battle
So it's time for you
Stop fighting for peace
And throw all your strength
To fight for purity.
If you are going to a friend
Grigory Oster "Bad advice". - Obedient children are forbidden to read!
Recently, scientists have discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: "Wash in the morning" - they take and do not wash. They are told: "Hello to each other" - they immediately begin not to say hello. Scientists came up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do the opposite, and it will turn out just right.
This book is for naughty children
lost child
Must remember that it
Take you home as soon as
He will name his address.
Gotta act smarter
Say: "I live Near a palm tree with a monkey On distant islands."
Lost child
If he's not stupid
Don't miss the right opportunity
Visit different countries.
Hands never anywhere
Don't touch anything.
Don't get mixed up in anything
And don't go anywhere.
Step aside silently
Stand humble in a corner
And stand quietly, without moving,
Until your old age.
Who did not jump from the window
Together with my mother's umbrella,
That dashing skydiver
Doesn't count yet.
Don't fly like a bird
Above the excited crowd
Don't put him in the hospital
With a bandaged leg.
If the whole family swim
You went to the river
Don't interfere with mom and dad
Sunbathing on the beach.
Don't make a cry
Let adults rest.
without touching anyone,
Try to drown.
There is no more pleasant occupation
What to pick in the nose.
Everyone is terribly interested
What is hidden inside.
Who hates to look
Let him not look.
We do not climb into his nose,
Let him not come.
If your mother caught you
For what you love,
For example, for drawing
In the hallway on the wallpaper
Explain to her what it is
Your surprise for March 8th.
The painting is called:
"Dear mommy portrait."
Don't take someone else's
Strangers are looking at you.
Let them close their eyes
Or they'll go out for a while.
And why be afraid of your own!
They won't talk about their own.
Let them look. Grab someone else's
And take him to yours.
Never stupid questions
Don't ask yourself
And not even more stupid
You will find the answer to them.
If stupid questions
Appeared in my head
Ask them immediately to adults.
Let them brainstorm.
visit often
Theater buffet.
There are cream cakes
Bubble water.
Like firewood on plates
Chocolates are lying
And through the tube
Drink a milkshake.
Don't ask for tickets
To the balcony and to the stalls,
Let them give you tickets
To the theater cafeteria.
Leaving the theater
Take it with you
Under a trembling heart
In the stomach, a sandwich.
Born a girl - be patient
Footboards and kicks.
And substitute pigtails for everyone,
Who pull them is not averse.
But sometime later
Show them the cookie
And you say: "Figures, for you
I won't get married!"
If you and your friends are together
Have fun in the yard
And in the morning they put on you
Your new coat
It's not worth crawling in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
So as not to spoil or stain your new coat,
We need to make it old.
This is done like this:
Get right into the puddle
Roll on the ground
And a little on the fence
Hang on nails.
Will be old very soon
Your new coat
Now you can calmly
Have fun in the yard.
You can safely crawl in puddles
And roll on the ground
And climb the fences
hanging on nails.
If you're down the hall
Ride your bike
And towards you from the bathroom
Dad went out for a walk
Don't turn into the kitchen
The kitchen has a solid refrigerator.
Brake better in dad.
Dad is soft. He will forgive.
If you are forever rallied,
Illuminated and lead
Don't try to dodge
From movement to celebration.
Will raise to work anyway
And inspire to a feat
you great and mighty,
And our stronghold.
The main business of your life
Can become any trifle.
You just have to firmly believe
There is nothing more important.
And then it won't hurt
You are neither cold nor hot,
Breathless with delight
Deal with bullshit.
Beat the frogs with sticks.
It is very interesting.
Tear off the wings of the flies
Let them run on foot.
Train daily
And a happy day will come -
you to some kingdom
Accepted as the chief executioner.
Girls should never
Nowhere to notice.
And don't let them pass
Nowhere and never.
They need to put their feet up
Frighten from around the corner
So that they immediately understand:
You don't care about them.
I met a girl - quickly to her
Show your tongue.
Let her not think
That you are in love with her.
Starting a fight with dad
Starting a fight with mom
Try to surrender to your mother
The Pope takes no prisoners.
By the way, ask your mom
Didn't she forget?
Prisoners to beat with a belt on the pope
Banned by the Red Cross.
If you are the whole world of violence
Gonna destroy
And at the same time you dream of becoming
Everything without being anything
Feel free to follow us
On the paved road
We are this way for you
We may even give up.
Don't settle for anything
With no one and never
And those who agree with you
Call cowardly.
For this, everyone will start you
Love and respect.
And everywhere you will have
Full of friends.
If there are cockroaches in the kitchen
Marching on the table
And satisfied with the mice
On the floor training battle
So it's time for you
Stop fighting for peace
And throw all your strength
To fight for purity.
If you are going to a friend
Tell your trouble
Grab a friend by the button
Useless - run away
And leave you as a keepsake
This button is a friend.
Better give him a trip
Throw on the floor, sit on top
And then in detail
Tell your trouble.
If you come to friends
Don't say hello to anyone.
Words: "please", "thank you"
Do not tell anybody.
Turn around and ask questions
Don't answer anyone.
And then no one will say
About you, that you are a talker.
If anything happened
And no one is to blame
Don't go there otherwise
You will be guilty.
Hide somewhere on the sidelines.
And then go home.
And about seeing it
Do not tell anybody.
If you didn't buy a cake
And they didn’t take them to the cinema in the evening,
You need to be offended by your parents
And leave without a hat on a cold night.
But not just
Wander the streets
And in the dense dark
Forest to go.
There you immediately wolf
Hungry to meet
And of course quickly
He eats you.
That's when mom and dad find out
They scream, cry and run.
And rush to buy a cake,
And to the movies with you
They will take you in the evening.
See what's going on
In every house at night.
Turning your nose to the wall
Silently adults lie.
They move their lips
In the hopeless darkness
And with closed eyes
The heel is pulled in a dream.
Don't agree to anything
Go to bed at night.
Don't let anyone
Put you to bed.
Do you want
Years of childhood
Spend under the covers
On a pillow, no pants?
There is a sure way to please adults:
In the morning, start yelling and littering,
Eavesdrop, whimper, run around the house
Kick and beg for gifts from everyone.
Be rude, cunning, tease and lie,
And in the evening suddenly stop for an hour, -
And immediately, with a touched smile stroking,
All adults will pat you on the head
And they will say that you are a wonderful boy
And there is no child nicer than you.
If you came to the Christmas tree
Claim your gift right away
Yes, look, no candy
Santa Claus did not heal.
And don't be careless
Bring home leftovers.
How dad and mom jump -
Half will be taken.
If punishment awaits you
For bad behavior
For example, for being in the bathroom
You bathed your cat
Without asking permission
Neither the cat, nor the mother,
I can suggest you a way
How to be saved from punishment.
Bang your head on the floor
Beat your chest with your hands
And sob, and shout: “Ah, why did I torture the cat!?
I deserve a terrible punishment!
My shame can only be redeemed by death!”
It won't even take half a minute.
How, crying with you,
You will be forgiven and, to console,
Run for a sweet cake.
And then calmly cat
You lead by the tail into the bath,
After all, sneaking a cat
Will never be able to.
For example, in your pocket
Turned out to be a handful of sweets
And met you
Your true friends.
Don't be afraid and don't hide
Don't run away
Don't shove all the candy
Together with candy wrappers in the mouth.
Approach them calmly
Without saying too many words
Quickly taking it out of my pocket
Give them… a hand.
Shake their hands firmly
Say goodbye slowly
And turning around the first corner,
Rush home quickly.
To eat sweets at home,
Get under the bed
Because there, of course,
You won't meet anyone.
Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white coat.
Pour the juice gently on the cloak -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's coat
The cloak must be put entirely
In thick cherry juice.
Take mother's cherry cloak
And a mug of milk.
Pour milk gently -
A stain will appear.
Now, so that there is no stain
On my mother's coat
The cloak must be put entirely
In a bowl of milk.
Take thick cherry juice
And my mother's white coat.
Lay gently...
If you broke a window
Do not rush to confess.
Wait, it won't start
Suddenly civil war.
Artillery will strike
Glass will fly out everywhere
And no one will scold
For a broken window.
Beat friends without respite
Every day for half an hour
And your muscles
Becomes stronger than a brick.
And with mighty hands
You, when the enemies come
You can in difficult times
Protect your friends.
Never wash your hands
Neck, ears and face.
This is a stupid business
Doesn't lead to anything.
Hands get dirty again
Neck, ears and face
So why waste energy
Time to waste.
Shaving is also useless
There is no point.
To old age by itself
Bald head.
Never allow
Put yourself a thermometer
And don't swallow pills
And don't eat powders.
Let the stomach and teeth hurt
Throat, ears, head,
Don't take medicine anyway
And don't listen to the doctor.
The heart will stop beating
But for sure
They won't stick a mustard plaster on you
And they won't inject.
If you are in the hospital
And you don't want to lie there
Wait, when to your room
The chief doctor will come.
Bite it - and immediately
Your cure is over
The same evening from the hospital
They'll take you home.
If mom is in the store
I bought you only a ball
And doesn't want the rest
Everything he sees, buy,
Stand up straight, heels together
Spread your arms to the sides
open your mouth wide
And shout the letter "A"!
And when, dropping bags,
With a cry: “Citizens! Anxiety!"
Buyers will rush
With sellers at the head,
The store manager is here
Creep up and tell mom: “Take everything for free,
Let him just shut up."
When your own mother
Leads to dentists
Don't expect mercy from her
Do not cry in vain.
Be silent, like a captured partisan,
And grit your teeth like that
To not be able to unclench them
Crowd of dentists.
If you stayed at home
Alone without parents
I can offer you
An interesting game
Titled "Courageous Chef"
Or The Brave Cook.
The essence of the game in preparation
All kinds of delicious food.
I suggest to start
Here is such a simple recipe:
Need in daddy's shoes
Pour out mother's perfume
And then these shoes
Apply shaving cream
And pouring them with fish oil
With black ink in half,
Throw in the soup that mama
Prepared in the morning.
And cook with the lid closed
Roughly seventy minutes.
What will you find out
When the adults arrive.
If your friend is the best
Slipped and fell
Point your finger at a friend
And grab your stomach.
Let him see, lying in a puddle, -
You are not upset at all.
A true friend does not love
Grieve your friends.
If you are not firmly
Chose a path in life
And you don't know why
Start your labor path
Beat the light bulbs in the entrances -
People will say thank you.
you help the people
Save electricity.
To kick out of the apartment
Various flies and mosquitoes
Gotta pull down the curtain
And spin over your head.
Pictures will fly from the walls,
Flowers from the window sill.
Tumbling TV
The chandelier will crash into the parquet.
And, escaping from the roar,
mosquitoes will scatter
And frightened flies
A flock will rush to the south.
If you decide in the morning
To behave,
Feel free to closet yourself
lead
And dive into the darkness.
There is no mother
no dad,
Only daddy's pants.
There's no one to scream
loud:
“Stop! Do not dare!
Don't touch!"
It's much easier there
will,
Without disturbing anyone
All day myself
decently
And lead decently.
Decided to fight - choose
The one who is weaker.
And the strong can give back
Why do you need her?
The younger the one you hit
The more cheerful the heart
Watch how he cries, screams,
And she calls her mother.
But if suddenly for the baby
Someone stepped in
Run, scream and cry loudly
And call your mom.
There is a reliable way to dad
Forever crazy.
Tell dad honestly
What did you do yesterday.
If he is able to
Stay on your feet
Explain what to do
Tomorrow you think.
And when with a crazy look
Dad will sing songs
Call an ambulance.
Her phone number is 03.
If you walked in a hat,
And then she disappeared
Don't worry mom is home
You can lie about something.
But try to lie beautifully
To look admiringly
Hold your breath, mom
I listened to lies for a long time.
But if you lied
About the lost hat
That her in an unequal battle
Took your spy away
Try to mom
Didn't go to get angry
to foreign intelligence,
They don't understand her there.
"We must share with the younger ones!".
“We need to help the younger ones!”
Never forget
These are the rules, folks.
Repeat very quietly
Them to someone who is older than you,
To the younger ones about it
Didn't know anything.
If hands at dinner
you messed up with lettuce
And shy about the tablecloth
Wipe your fingers
Lower discreetly
They are under the table, and it's calm there
Wipe your hands
About the neighbor's pants.
If you are in your pocket
Didn't find a penny
Look in your neighbor's pocket
Obviously the money is there.
If your roommate
Became a source of infection
Hug him and go to school
You won't come for two weeks.
To spontaneous combustion
Didn't happen in the house
Leaving the room
Take your iron with you.
Vacuum cleaner, electric stove,
TV and floor lamp
Better with light bulbs together
Take it to the next yard.
And even more reliable
Cut the wires
So that in all your area
The light went out immediately.
Here you can be sure
You almost certainly
What about spontaneous combustion
The house is secure.
Matches are the best toy
For bored kids.
Dad's tie, car passport -
Here is a small fire.
If you throw slippers
Or put a broom
You can fry a whole chair,
Boil the ear in the nightstand.
If adults are somewhere
Matches are hidden from you
Explain to them that matches
For a fire you need.
If washing the son
Mom suddenly discovers
That she washes not her son,
And someone else's daughter...
Let mom not be nervous
Well, she doesn't care.
There are no differences
Between dirty children.
When you get old - go
On the street on foot.
Don't get on the bus anyway
You have to stay there.
And now there are few fools,
To give up a place
And to those distant times
They won't be at all.
If you played football
On the wide pavement
And hitting the gate
Suddenly they heard a whistle
Do not shout: "Goal!", perhaps
This is a policeman
Whistled when hit
Not at the gate, but at him.
Running away from the tram
Do not rush under the dump truck.
Wait at the traffic light
Doesn't show up yet
ambulance car -
It's full of doctors
Let them crush you.
They will heal themselves later.
If you want enemies
Win with one blow
You rockets and shells,
And no ammo.
Drop to them by parachute
………………………………………..
(Fill out this line yourself.)
An hour later, enemies, sobbing,
They come running to surrender.
If you are the last in the council
You do not want to insert a line,
Choose any
from those offered to you.
Drop to them by parachute:
your little sister,
Dad, grandmother and mother,
Two bags of rubles and three rubles,
Headmistress of your school
The teachers' council is complete,
Engine from "Zaporozhets",
Dozens of dentists
BOY CHERNOV SASHA,
LITTLE MASHA OSTER,
Tea from the school cafeteria
The book "Bad advice" ...
An hour later, enemies, sobbing,
They come running to surrender.
If you are invited to dinner
Proudly hide under the sofa
And lie there quietly
Not to be found right away.
And when from under the sofa
They will drag by the legs,
Break out and bite
Don't give up without a fight.
If they still get
And they will put you at the table,
Drop the cup
Pour the soup on the floor.
Cover your mouth with your hands
Fall down from the chair.
And throw the cutlets up,
Let them stick to the ceiling.
In a month people will say
With respect for you: “He looks thin and dead,
But the character is strong.
If you decide first
Become in the ranks of your fellow citizens -
Never catch up
Rushing forward.
Five minutes later, cursing,
They run back
And then, leading the crowd,
You rush ahead.
If to dad or mom
Aunt adult came
And leads some important
And a serious conversation
Necessary behind unnoticed
sneak up on her and then
Shout loudly in your ear:
Stop! Give up! Hands up!"
And when from the chair aunt
Falls down with a fright
And spill it on your dress
Tea, compote or jelly,
It must be very loud
Mom will laugh
And being proud of your child,
Dad will shake your hand.
Papa will take you by the shoulder
And lead somewhere.
It's probably there for a very long time.
Dad will praise you.
Get yourself a notebook
And write down in detail
Who is who at recess
How many times have you sent
With whom is the physical education teacher
Drank kefir in the gym,
And that dad at night mom
Whispered softly in his ear.
If sharp objects
You caught the eye
Try them deeper
Stick into yourself.
This is the best way
Make sure yourself
What are dangerous items
Should be hidden from children.
Do you need an answer?
Well, keep answering.
Don't shake, don't whine, don't mumble,
Never hide your eyes.
For example, my mother asked:
"Who scattered the toys?"
Tell me it's dad
He brought his friends.
Did you fight with your younger brother?
Say he's the first
Kicked you in the neck
And swore like a bandit.
If they ask who's in the kitchen
I bitten all the cutlets,
Answer that the neighbor's cat
And, perhaps. the neighbor himself.
Whatever you're guilty of
Learn to answer.
For their actions each
I must boldly answer.
If you are determined
A plane to hijack to the West,
But you can't think
How to scare the pilots
Read them passages
From today's newspaper
And they are in any country
They will fly away with you.
It's better to tease from the window,
From the eighth floor.
From the tank is also good,
When the armor is strong.
But if you want to bring
People to bitter tears
Their safest
Tease on the radio.
When a guest drops a cup,
Do not hit the guest in the forehead.
Give me another cup, let
He drinks tea calmly.
When this cup is a guest
Drop from the table
Pour tea into a glass for him
And let him drink in peace.
When all the dishes are a guest
Will kill in the apartment,
Have to pour sweet tea
By the collar to him.
If you are on the phone
Called a fool
And did not wait for an answer
Throwing the phone on the hook,
Dial quickly
From any random numbers
And whoever picks up the phone
Let me know - you're an idiot.
The address of the school where
Lucky to study
Like a multiplication table
Remember firmly, by heart,
And when will you happen
Meet the saboteur
Not wasting a minute
Give me the address of the school.
Don't be upset if
Call mom to school
Or dad.
Do not be shy,
Bring the whole family.
Let uncles, aunts come
And third cousins
If you have a dog
Bring her too.
If you decided to sister
Just a joke to scare
And she is from you on the wall
Runs away barefoot
So jokes are funny
They don't reach her
And you should not put your sister
Live mice in slippers.
If you caught your sister
With grooms in the yard
Don't rush it soon
Give to mom and dad.
Let the parents first
She will be given in marriage
Then tell your husband
Everything you know about your sister.
If it's chasing you
Too many people
Ask them for details
Why are they upset?
Try to comfort everyone.
Give everyone advice
But reduce the speed
Absolutely nothing.
Don't be offended by
Who beats you with his hands,
And don't be lazy every time
to thank him
Because, sparing no effort,
He hits you with his hands
And I could take in these hands
Both stick and brick.
If a friend's birthday
invited you to my place,
You leave a gift at home -
Useful for yourself.
Try to sit next to the cake.
Don't get into conversations.
you while talking
Eat half as much sweets.
Choose smaller pieces
To swallow faster.
Do not grab the salad with your hands -
You can scoop up more with a spoon.
If they suddenly give nuts,
Rash them carefully in your pocket,
But do not hide the jam there -
It will be difficult to take out.
A book for naughty children and their parents
Recently, scientists discovered that there are naughty children in the world who do everything the other way around. They are given useful advice: "Wash in the morning" - they take and do not wash. They are told: "Hello to each other" - they immediately begin not to say hello. Scientists came up with the idea that such children should be given not useful, but harmful advice. They will do the opposite, and it will turn out just right.
This book is for naughty children.
ATTENTION!
Dangerous for the brain!
BAD ADVICE - VACCINATIONS FROM STUPIDITY.
This book is for naughty children, their parents and teachers.
Otherwise, an obedient child, having heard enough bad advice, will take and do everything that is described in this terrible book.
When the parents run
And start asking
What were you thinking about when
Spitting out the window
Feeding salad vacuum cleaner
Newspapers set on fire
And pushed down from the balcony
porcelain service,
Ask your parents:
And they themselves
What were you hoping for when
One day, all of a sudden
Decided to have a boy
And they took you?
Approaching unfamiliar boys
The girl should already
To meet them to make angry faces,
Stones, sticks, fists show
And shout different threats.
Let them feel from afar
That the girl will not let herself be offended.
Candy is not food
You won't get fed up with them.
Who eats too much candy
He walks without teeth.
And their hands are sticky
And no appetite
So don't eat candy
Give them back to me.
If you don't have a dog
Behind you on a leash
Guide around the apartment
Electric iron.
So that he does not spoil the parquet
And I didn’t pour puddles on the rug,
Three times a day it's on the grass
Take out for a walk.
And so that in the evening a robber
Did not wander into the light,
Write on the door with chalk:
"Caution: evil iron."
No normal crook
Don't even stick your nose into the house
Where does he lie in wait
Meeting with a large iron.
You can colorize
Not only pictures
Color at your leisure
Himself and the cat.
Let mom and dad
Back from work
twelve differences
They will find between you.
If you during a fight
Fist hit in the forehead,
And then they came to reconcile
Offering to forget everything
Then first let them set up
forehead under your fists,
And then everything will be forgotten
When memory fades.
Learn to undo hooks
And take off your dress.
Don't say: "I'm a boy,
And I don't wear dresses.
Nobody knows what his
Waiting for the next life.
Any knowledge can us
Needed all of a sudden.
If you come to visit your friends,
You bring them to the point where they
Start screaming for your feet
Never been in their house again
Promise them your foot under the tram
Put it or give it to the tigers for breakfast.
And today to jump to them without a leg,
Since they really don't like that leg.
If grandma interferes
pierce the tablecloth with a fork,
If mama is a cup of tea
Doesn't let me drop it on the floor
Suffocating from resentment
Show no tears
offended men
Should not be humiliated.
Let everyone see how silently
Without bowing your head
Forever from your women
You go under the table.
Go ask your grandmother
Why was it needed
The box that
You threw it out the window.
And if down the stairs
The whole family will rush
Compete with grandpa
Who runs faster.
Open the thread box
And get the scissors
Find on my mother's dress
Any pattern
And carefully cut
Take it for yourself.
Put on a dress mommy
And remember you.
If you teased
little sister,
rude to grandfather
Brother was given in the eye
Pope did not listen
And around the table
Running from grandma
Sticking out your tongue.
Try to find out
Why on you
Mom is offended
Is it something
Have you offended her?
After all, for the whole day
Haven't done anything
You bad her.
If you sneak up on a cat from the wrong side,
You can scratch on her claws.
But science has not yet succeeded
Find out where the cat has the wrong side
What is more dangerous: to grab the tail from behind
Or pull the mustache together in front.
If you are in a big way
Hammer on the finger - bam!
Don't blame the one who nails
We are on the mountain, invented
Because surely
Blame for your trouble
Not a nail inventor
And the hammer maker.
If you want to scare
daring parrots,
repeating your
Stupidity bravely,
Show them and tell them
Which is pretty soon
They will look
Not much better.
Don't be afraid to look stupid
What do you think at first glance
And feel free to ask questions
About incomprehensible words
which can be heard
From educated people
When by chance at a meeting
You hit them in the eye with your elbow.
No need to look down
For their dads and moms.
Be kind to them
It's not that hard for us.
But if we descended to them,
And grab us by the scruff of the neck!
You can break out again
Climb up a tree.
If you see how each other
Your enemies hit on the forehead,
Make peace with them soon
And help both.
If you are a piece of butter
Dropped on my knees
And accidentally smeared
By his pants,
Put it in this place
Two slices of sausage
And cover with lettuce
To decorate a sandwich.
The one you are
near the ear
hold tight
in a fist
Let first
will honestly say
Is there a sting
Learn to cough.
Our cough
Reliable, loyal friend.
The one who is too strict with us
He will do better.
He is even those who are angry with us,
Make us regret.
And in difficult times
More than once
From school us
For example, they want you
Learn to wriggle
Shouting nonsense loudly
Whine and spit
Pull cats by the tails
Girls for braids
Strangers ask
wild questions,
Kick everyone in a row
Porridge is eaten with hands
And stick out your tongue
Grandma and mom.
It's hard, but they
It might work.
Be ready for everything
Re-learn.
Dying of envy
their dolls
goodbye
Give it to your best friend
So that she on the pillow
Shedding a tear
Sometimes at night
I remembered you.
If you are a sister in battle
You start to win
A girl to help
Calling mom and grandma
Then you enter reserves:
Call dad and grandpa.
And let's see who can
Resist in this battle.
Every time you want
Mama cut your nails
Be glad you're a boy
Not a wild beast of prey.
If you, like a clawed lion,
Jumping through the bushes with a tail,
Then you would be much more often
His mother caught him.
Grab - and that's it! And a person
Let him try to catch.
Throw your favorite
mother's vase
The higher it flies
above the parquet she
The more you have
there will be time to
calmly think it over
their actions.
Don't wave your arms
In front of the nose of the enemy.
Hide them behind your back, hiding.
What are you armed with?
Let the enemies, you mutuzya,
Will never know
What do your fingers squeeze:
Saber or pistol.
If there are few balls
You lack
Because too little
They brought them to the feast
Boldly your balloon
Cut in half.
There will be many more of them -
Not one, but two.
If you are with your best friend
Spat forever
And I didn't have time to tell her
Who is she?
Make peace go and more
Don't quarrel with her until
Until everything that has boiled
You can't tell her in the face.
If you decide to swim
And jumped off the cliff
But in flight he changed his mind
Diving into the wet river
stop falling into the water
And fly back up.
Change your mind
Every person can.
Don't ask your father questions
When he is busy with something
For nothing from the case dad
The boy must not distract.
Don't make sudden screams
Don't pull daddy's pants
Be as quiet as possible
When he spanks you.
Don't be afraid to eat unwashed vegetables
And chew dirty fruit.
You won't have to go to jail for this.
Sit and sit and sit.
Sit and sit and sit.
Sit and sit and sit and sit.
And sit and sit again.
Put in your pockets only
What goes into your pocket
And what does not climb - never
Don't put it in your pockets.
At least make sure
That there are no holes in the pocket
And everything that you put there,
He sits without moving.
If at night carefully
Take it from your pocket.
Play not very long
And put in place
That parents about it
They don't know anything
And find the loss
The kangaroo won't make it.
Don't admit everything right away. First
Say that playing football in the yard
You upset your friends a lot, because
Missed and failed to score a goal.
Shut up a little and add that the window
Crashed and wants the owner of the window,
For dad to come and windshield
Inserted into his six hundredth "Mercedes".
If it was hot in the house in summer
And it's hot outside
Get your winter hat
And putting on my coat,
Get in the fridge
Only, God forbid
Don't sit too long
On cold sausage.
If the children's hospital
They bring you in for an x-ray
Ask the doctor
Mom didn't give you away.
And when it starts in the pictures
Let him be silent about the fact that cherries
You swallowed whole.
If a stool
you put on the table
And put on top
your little chair
And then you put
stack of thick books
It's going to be a great way
right up to the chandelier.
If carefully
you will rise
And troubles on the way
if it doesn't happen,
That's pretty soon
you can be
In the first nearest
from you to the hospital.
Plaster of arms, legs,
Bandage on the lower back.
Look at grandpa
Not so few years
He doesn't cry, he doesn't scream.
That he's already big
And now he has no one
Shouldn't forbid
Play with needles and on the floor
Stick a can opener.
If you asked for dolls
And they bought you panties
Shout out to mom indignantly,
That you won't play them.
You can't even lay a finger on them.
Let her play in shorts:
Putting on and taking off
From you, then to you.
If a brother before dawn
Slowly unravel
He promised that his computer
Your older brother will give you
Then perhaps your prophetic dream
Will wake up in the morning
If only brother awake
Do not send to hell.
Don't start with your mouth full
Serious conversation.
Always put food in your pocket
Carry it with you.
And if asked why
You got two
Rather bite something
And chew, and chew, and chew.
Not every child
It's nice to eat soup.
Sometimes the soup is not sweet
And it's not a secret.
But you can quietly into the soup
Put the jam
Pour some honey
And crush the candy.
Now add sugar
And you can pour.
Nobody will force you
There is such nonsense.
Nothing to be beautiful
Too troublesome.
From youth to gray hair
Always run on dates -
Don't even have time to sit down
And easy to get married.
When you see a worm.
Don't eat it alive.
Show the loot first
To their parents.
The mother of the worm will wash
And it will become tastier
And dad will say if there is in it
Dangerous hook.
This is advice for very small fish.
If you are no longer a small fish, but a very large one, you can replace in this advice« worm» on« groom» .
When you get electrocuted
Don't give up on a grand scale.
Step aside, hide your resentment
And pretend to forgive everything.
Revenge must be prepared without haste.
Ask dad for ticks
And at night you sneak up on the side
And cut the wires.
If mom says
That I found you in the cabbage
Let her show you
Where is this garden?
So that you can be there in the garden
Look for a kitten
Or, if there is no kitten,
At least it's a hamster.
If you want to go potty
Run without delay
Don't waste time at the start
Drink your tea and run!
Diligent Boys
Sitting over books
And honestly every thing
Bring it to the end.
Therefore, since you started
Tearing pages from books
Don't stay at home
On the shelves of books.
If you are like a boat
And caught in a terrible storm
And you all over the apartment
Carried by a stormy wave
And the sofa is like an island
In the ocean ahead
And on it lives under a palm tree
Your sleepy dad
Then, of course, dad will
I'm glad for your salvation
If the violent waves
You will be thrown at him.
If you don't learn
Best friends
Daily,
Betray a thousand times
Then they never
They won't leave you.
And so it will be all the time
Callous eyes.
Passing by the door
Put your finger in the crack.
Nothing will happen:
The door is not ticklish.
Well, if your finger
Forever remained in the crack,
You can spit on him.
There are nine more in stock.
If you, without asking permission to enter,
In the middle of the lesson, you run into the classroom,
Do not forget to strictly tell the teacher,
That today you are again dissatisfied with him,
Let his parents to his elderly
He will tell them to come to school tomorrow,
You will have a serious conversation with them,
Because it's impossible to forgive
These are his ugly antics.
Why does he start the lesson without you?
Can't he just wait?
Don't make noise in class
Keep quiet
To be unheard
And I can't see you.
If it's quiet under the desk
Sit through the whole lesson -
There is hope without deuce
Return home.
Don't think it's good
Children are never beaten.
Gets quite often
They are even more than bad.
For example, one child
Behaved great since morning
And got from mom and dad
For what you did yesterday.
If your friends are offended by you,
Because you don't share with them
Somewhere get more tasty,
Divide into small bowls
And as soon as you eat, so immediately
For example, a bowl of porridge
They offer you in the morning
They say vitamins
It is teeming with teeming to the bottom,
They say that for the stomach
There is nothing more useful
And for this you wholeheartedly
Must love her.
And in the morning on this porridge
You don't want to look
You in the morning, when you meet her,
I want to close my eyes.
If you eat it without looking,
That, perhaps, past the mouth
Many spoons of this porridge
You will be able to get through.
Exactly at midnight, dad and mom
Wake up with a wild cry
And when, colliding foreheads,
They will bend over you
Announce that with all your heart
You love them both
And the time has come
Let them know about it.
If the leg is broken
Call mom and dad.
Let the parents off the floor
lift you up
And put on a whole
Not a broken chair
So that you can swing
Break the legs of the chair.
The one who visits with dad
Didn't go to his friends
And herring with vinaigrette
I didn’t rush there, visiting,
He doesn't know what it is
Worldwide fame.
At once all around attention
They turn to you.
If you can't already
Because there is no strength
And the ninth slice of cake
Doesn't go deeper than the throat
Set aside the spoon
So as not to spoil the appetite.
And try at your leisure
Ham sandwiches.
If my mother's brush
Found at home
But haven't decided yet
Who to draw
Stand in front of the mirror
Mix mascara with lipstick
And draw yourself
On my face.
Starting in failure
Guilty seek
Beware too close
Approach mirrors.
Cautious children
dress quietly
And tiptoe to school
They come daily
Because they are afraid
What awakens their conscience
And he will come, bore,
And make you study.
If the daughter is too late
Came home to spend the night
And the poor thing can't go to bed
And it's time to get up
Let her answer her mother
Asking where she was
What to study in school now
Forced at night.
If school discipline
Constantly violate
Then she, descending smoothly,
Quietly fall to the floor.
And then at recess
Every student can
Of furry discipline
Make yourself some snowballs.
Don't settle for lunch
Tasteless to chew.
All the food you don't like
Spit it under the table
And if someone is you
For this he will reproach
Let him get it from under the table
And he eats himself.
There can be no forgiveness
Who accidentally pushed you
And no explanation
He can't be justified
And if you accidentally
Kicked in the forehead
Then you are not to blame
And he must forgive you.
beauty for a boy
Just extra hassle.
Hide the beauty
Under a deep layer of dirt
How else would they start
Make appointments for girls
And you have to visit
Regularly all dates
Because there with you
No one will babysit -
These girls, they
Worse than a school principal:
For a single trip
Eliminated the same evening.
If you have finally decided
That you won't be friends with girls,
Let them know in writing.
And print a letter in the newspaper,
Along with your return address.
And the mail will come to you immediately
Hundreds of plaintive letters from the girls,
They will beg you in letters
Befriend them a little
But you won't answer their letters.
You can be proud of your feet.
Able to walk thousands of miles,
And you can be proud of your hands
Ready to move mountains on the way,
Just to get where you don't need to
Collect your toys before going to bed.
Look closely at your brother
To not take too much.
Now come these brothers -
They need an eye and an eye.
When during a fight they beat
You and your brother in the yard
Always make sure you get it
You are no less than him.
Schoolboy boldly in first grade
Dive into the sea of knowledge.
Ten years later on the shore
Come out like a goose - dry.
If you are leading a homeless dog
To your house to take care of him,
See if it's on the collar
A leash with a clinging owner.
If upon closer inspection
You didn't like the food on your plate,
Quickly change your point of view
And take a look at the plate from a distance.
If all the girls in the class
The nose is turned away from you
Check your shoes
And look at your pants.
If a friend passes by
And does not give a hand
Give him the back of the neck
For him to fall to the floor.
And when it will roll
A friend, like a rag, on the floor,
Helping hand for the poor
Stretch friendly.
If you've already been caught up
But they still don't hit
Tell them what you are
A harmless person.
And for the rest of the time,
Before they start beating
List what's up with them.
Your big brother will do.
If you fell into a puddle
Don't rush to get up.
In front of everyone from the puddle
It's embarrassing to get out.
So that they don't laugh at you
Gotta pretend
What have you been looking at for a long time?
This puddle is you.
Lie on your back, cross
Hands on chest
And whisper admiringly:
"How good it is here!"
To the little sister
Protect from burns
To her crackling fire
I didn’t burn the dress with a spark,
Before on the balcony
Make a hot fire,
Put it right in the dress
Under the cold shower sister.
If you decide abruptly
Change your appearance
Go to nature
And tease the wild bees.
If it still doesn't work
Too little sister
If with this pitiful crumb
You won't play anything
Maybe the older brother is in the package
Send yourself a sister.
Let, while it goes by mail,
At least grow up a little.
Nothing is more beautiful than childhood
Man is not given.
His light rushes through the years
In the growing soul
Know that in every adult heart
There is a treasured corner
Curled up there
Dad's old belt.