The complex relationship between these two representatives has long been the subject of jokes and funny stories. This collection includes the funniest and funniest jokes from son-in-law and mother-in-law, reading which you will laugh to tears.
***
We are going with my mother-in-law from the Southern Cemetery. Traffic cops stop you at the traffic police checkpoint.
Documents and all that... And the question:
— Why isn’t the passenger wearing a seat belt?
Not knowing what to answer, I say:
- And this is mother-in-law!
The traffic cop, without thinking twice, returns the documents to me and says:
- Bon Voyage!..
***
My son-in-law's mother-in-law died. A medical court was appointed. examination. The doctor asks him: “What did she die from?” — I ate poisonous mushrooms. - Why do she have blue spots on her neck? - I didn’t want to eat...
***
A man shows his friend the hunting trophies on the walls.
- What kind of horror is this?
- This is the mother-in-law's head.
- Why is she smiling?
— I thought I was taking photos!
***
A husband and wife are watching a horror movie. On the screen
HORROR appears.
Wife:
-Oh mom...
Husband:
-Mother-in-law? Looks like...
***
Conversation between two friends:
- Why are you smiling, you hit a wheelbarrow yesterday.
- Yeah.
— The bumper is dented.
- Yeah.
- I broke the glass.
- Yeah.
“Your mother-in-law hit her head hard.”
- Wow!
***
The son-in-law comes to his mother-in-law with his father-in-law. Mother-in-law from the doorway: “Why, son-in-law, did you decide to come see us?” - Yes, I had a fight with my wife, she sent me to such and such a mother!
Funny jokes about mother-in-law and son-in-law are the funniest
***
He wanted to improve relations with his mother-in-law and decided to order her a beautiful fashionable dress on the Internet, but, as luck would have it, she woke up just at the moment when he was measuring her with a tape measure...
***
Mother-in-law and son-in-law are having lunch.
The son-in-law eats lean soup, and the mother-in-law makes good Ukrainian borscht with dumplings, ribs, sour cream and other delights. Here, as luck would have it, the mother-in-law chokes on another piece of meat.
Mother-in-law (to son-in-law):
- Clap...
Son-in-law (claps his hands):
- Bravo mom...
***
— My mother-in-law fell from a pleasure yacht into the ocean. She took a photo of a white shark that swam towards her.
- Why didn’t she eat it?
“And she was well fed at the hotel.”
***
Mother-in-law's repentance:
“I really feel guilty before some people.” Now I’m sitting and thinking, I wish I could take the iron now and make amends!
***
Mother-in-law died. The son-in-law is asked:
— How are you going to bury her: usually, cremate or embalm?
- Let's all work together so as not to take risks.
Short funny jokes about mother-in-law
***
- ABOUT! We've already cut the wedding cake!
- How did you cut it?! The mother-in-law had to jump out of it!…
***
The wife asks:
- Honey, do you know where our book “How to Live 100 Years” is? “I burned it, my mother-in-law wanted to take it to read.”
***
– Yesterday in the forest I collected three buckets of mushrooms for my mother-in-law.
- What if they are poisonous?
– What do you mean “suddenly”?!
***
Mother-in-law:
— When does my train leave?
Son-in-law:
- In two hours, 34 minutes, 40 seconds.
***
One day my mother-in-law decided to move in with her son-in-law, a general. But on the way she was drafted into the army.
***
– Is it possible for the whole family to relax on one trip?
– It’s possible if you give the voucher to your mother-in-law.
***
-Good too…
The son-in-law said throwing a stone at the dog and hitting the mother-in-law...
***
The mother-in-law, in order to improve her son-in-law’s mood, grabbed her heart and moaned:
- Oh! Oh! I'm dying!
***
-What is dual feeling?
- This is when you see your mother-in-law flying into the abyss in your car!
In the kitchen, the mother-in-law is cooking dumplings. A small kitten comes up to her and asks her for meat:
- Meow meow!
The mother-in-law pushes him away with her foot:
- Leave me alone!
The kitten comes up again and asks for meat again
- Go away! - the mother-in-law shouts, pushing her away with her foot.
The cat is at it again. The mother-in-law, angry, kicks him away.
The son-in-law comes into the kitchen. Mother-in-law:
- Sit down, beloved son-in-law, I cooked dumplings for you!
The son-in-law sits down at the table, the mother-in-law serves him dumplings. A kitten approaches his son-in-law and asks for a dumpling with his paw:
- Meow meow!
Son-in-law:
- Here, my dear, eat the dumplings!
The kitten happily eats the dumpling and falls to the floor dead.
Son-in-law:
- Oh you...!!! Are you planning to poison me?!!!
And how will he tell his mother-in-law that she flew into the corner.
- Yes!!! - the kitten thought, opening his eye slightly.
The man comes home and says to his mother-in-law:
- Mother-in-law, go get some beer...
- Here, why don’t I get you some beer? Never...
- The store is close, you can only go down to the first floor from the third. I'll give you a thousand, you buy beer, the change is yours!
The mother-in-law thought, well, the money won’t be extra, so she went. The son-in-law drank beer, again to his mother-in-law:
- Mother-in-law, go get some vodka...
- Here, should I get you some vodka? Never...
The store is close, you just go down to the first floor from the third. I'll give you a thousand, buy vodka, the change is yours!
Well, the mother-in-law again thinks that the money is not extra and went...
The man, not yet finishing his vodka, calls his mother-in-law and says:
- Let me crack your spelt with my slipper!
- The mother-in-law again begins to shout something indignantly, but her cries calm down when her son-in-law offers 2 thousand...
Well, that means it cracked, my mother-in-law ran into the kitchen to count the money, and suddenly the phone rang...
The man picks up the phone, and then his wife asks:
- Did you give your mother your pension? the man answers:
- Yes, I’m giving it away little by little...
In the kitchen, the mother-in-law is cooking dumplings. A small kitten comes up to her and asks her for meat: “Meow, meow!” The mother-in-law pushes him away with her foot: “Leave me alone!”
The kitten comes up again and asks for meat: “Meow, meow!” The mother-in-law kicks him again: “Go away!” He comes up again and asks for meat: “Meow, meow!” The mother-in-law again, angry, kicks him away.
The son-in-law comes into the kitchen. Mother-in-law: “Sit down, beloved son-in-law, I made dumplings for you!” The son-in-law sits down at the table, the mother-in-law serves him dumplings. A kitten approaches his son-in-law and asks for a dumpling with his paw: “Meow, meow!” Son-in-law: “Here, my dear, eat the dumplings!” The kitten happily eats the dumpling and falls to the floor dead.
Son-in-law: “Oh, you.....! Are you planning to poison me?!!!” And as the mother-in-law gave it, she flew into the corner. Here is a kitten, opening one eye slightly: “Yes!!!”
Hairdresser: A girl cuts a guy’s hair and asks:
- Do you have a mother-in-law?
- No... I don’t have a mother-in-law... . pause...
Asks again:
- Do you have a mother-in-law?
- I said, pah pah, no, pause...
Asks again:
- Do you have a mother-in-law?
- Well, no, what are you pestering?
- And it’s easier for me to cut my hair this way... When I ask about your mother-in-law, your hair stands on end!
And his mother-in-law:
- If you call me mom, I’ll pull you out.
The man was tormented, he was tormented - he couldn’t dare call his mother-in-law mom. She was offended, turned around and left. The man shouted, swore, there was nothing to do, he somehow got out on his own, was all ragged, broke his nails, angry as hell. He jumped out of the well, ran into the house - and grabbed his gun. The mother-in-law saw and ran to hide in the corn. Her son-in-law sneaks behind her through the corn and tenderly says:
- Mommy, where are you?
A man came out to clean the well. He cleaned it up and called his mother-in-law to throw him a rope and pull him out of the well.
And his mother-in-law:
- If you call me mom, I’ll pull you out.
- Mommy, where are you?
A man came out to clean the well. He cleaned it up and called his mother-in-law to throw him a rope and pull him out of the well.
And his mother-in-law:
- If you call me mom, I’ll pull you out.
The man was tormented, he was tormented - he couldn’t dare call his mother-in-law mom. She was offended, turned around and left. The man shouted, swore, there was nothing to do, he somehow got out on his own, was all ragged, broke his nails, angry as hell. He jumped out of the well, ran into the house - and grabbed his gun. The mother-in-law saw and ran to hide in the corn. Her son-in-law sneaks behind her through the corn and tenderly says:
- Mommy, where are you?
The son-in-law says to his mother-in-law: Mother-in-law, go get me some cigarettes! I give you a thousand. The change is yours. The mother-in-law ran. My son-in-law calls again. Mother-in-law, go get me a beer! I give five thousand, the change is yours. Mother-in-law - run to the store. The phone rings and the wife says: Honey, did you give Mom your pension? Husband: I’m giving it away little by little...
One day my mother-in-law decided to check whether her sons loved her.
He comes to his eldest son-in-law. He throws himself into the pond near his house and yells, “Save me! I’m drowning!” The son-in-law blew himself up, ran out of the house, and saved his mother-in-law. The next day he wakes up and there is a Lada standing at the door with the inscription “To my beloved son-in-law from my beloved mother-in-law.”
The mother-in-law went to the middle son-in-law... The same thing.
The mother-in-law went to her younger son-in-law and threw herself into the pond. Shouts "I'm drowning! I'm drowning." The son-in-law laughed and went to bed. He wakes up, goes outside and sees a new mayor with the inscription “To my beloved son-in-law from my beloved father-in-law.”
Husband and wife make love. Suddenly the doorbell rings. Mother-in-law has arrived. The three of them are sitting at the table, drinking tea.
Mother-in-law: - You son-in-law are not happy! ! How do you feel?
Son-in-law: - Like a rabbit!
Mother-in-law: - Why?
Son-in-law: - Because they tore me away from what I loved and forced me to look at a boa constrictor!!!
The son-in-law calls his mother-in-law from the maternity hospital:
- Mom, we have twins!
The mother-in-law didn’t hear and said:
- Could you repeat it?
- Mom, why do we need so much!
At the trial the boxer is asked:
- Why did you beat your mother-in-law?
- So, I’m coming from training.
My mother-in-law meets me. And then I see: it opens on the left...
My mother-in-law ordered laxative tea to be bought for her:
- But make sure there are three ballerinas in the picture on the box! The son-in-law was scouring the shelves in the store. No, damn it with three, fuck the mother-in-law with her whims! I took a box with 2 ballerinas on it.
Mother-in-law at home:
- I said laxative tea with three ballerinas, but here there are two!!!
- Mom, one ballerina has already gone crazy:
A man calls his mother-in-law:
- Take your daughter to you! We've only lived with her for a month, but I can't stand it anymore!
Mother-in-law:
- Sorry, son-in-law, after 14 days, the manufacturer does not accept returns...
The son-in-law meets his mother-in-law at the station, enters the compartment and asks:
- Mom, are you staying with us for a long time?
- Until I get bored, my mother-in-law answers.
- Why won’t you even leave the compartment?
The mother-in-law came to visit the newlyweds. Everyone is sitting at the table, having dinner. A clock hangs above the mother-in-law. The mother-in-law ate and went to wash her hands.
As soon as she left, the clock fell. Husband in an indignant voice:
- Damn, they're always late
My mother-in-law always grumbles when I drink beer, but what would you choose, mother-in-law or beer?
- Everything is good when it’s cold on the table!
The husband made a New Year's wish for his wife to become thrifty and for her mother-in-law to become smart. After the chimes, the wife turned off the TV, blew out the candles, removed the cognac from the table, and the mother-in-law began to tell the details of the Russian-Turkish war of 1877...
The mother-in-law comes to the young people. He looks at the gas stove and says:
- What a neat girl my daughter is! The plate is already shining!
Son-in-law:
- Yes, mom, there is such wisdom: it’s clean not where they clean, but where they don’t shit!
Mother-in-law:
- Didn't understand...
Son-in-law:
- Your daughter doesn’t cook a damn thing!!!
A friend's mother-in-law bought a goat at the market. On the first day the goat gave a liter of milk, on the second day - even less, and on the third day she didn’t give a damn thing. The mother-in-law became concerned and took her to the veterinarian. The veterinarian examined the goat and said:
- The goat, of course, is very jacked up, but he will live!!!
Defendant, why did you strangle your mother-in-law?
- Yes, I’m tired of her, your honor!
- So is this a reason to kill a person?! For example, my mother-in-law is such a creature, a bastard, a bitch, a brute, an idiot, a hag, a nit, a nonentity... in short, a probationary year!
Boxing trainer:
- Petrov, they complained about you, why did you give your mother-in-law a black eye?
- Ivan Stepanych, I came home, my mother-in-law met me, took off my shoes, handed me slippers, invited me into the kitchen, the table was set, buttered my bread, and then suddenly it opened on the left...
One-room apartment. Husband and wife on the ottoman. My mother-in-law is on the cot nearby.
The husband pesters his wife:
- Come on. Come on!
- It’s inconvenient, mom will hear.
- Come on. Come on!
A rhythmic creak is heard. After some time, the wife’s cry: “Oh, mom!”
- What, daughter?
- Buy bread tomorrow.
Mother-in-law to herself: “What a gluttonous son-in-law! Sixth loaf of bread that night.”
An angry husband sends an SMS to his mother-in-law:
“Your product (daughter) does not cook normal food! Doesn’t clean the apartment! Doesn’t wash or iron my shirts!”
Mother-in-law replies:
"The choice is made by you personally! The product has been sold, the warranty has expired, the manufacturer is not responsible! P.S.: The program may fail, try to twist it with your key, if you can’t do it yourself, hire a specialist!"
The son-in-law (Z) comes home - drunk as hell! His mother-in-law meets him:
- Oh, you drunken brute, I’m the mistress of the house here, I’m hunching over you all, and you bitch don’t respect me!!!
The son-in-law hit her hard on the face - only her legs flashed in the air! I went out to smoke - look - my friend (D) is coming!
Z: -Come to me - we’ll let you through for a hundred!
D: -No question.
Enter the kitchen:
D: - Why is your mother-in-law lying under the table?
Z: -Well, I don’t know, she is the mistress of the house - she lies wherever she wants.
The mother-in-law sends her son-in-law to the grocery store. He asks that he choose the vegetables for the salad conscientiously. So that they are clean, without nitrates.
My son-in-law went to a store known for the highest quality vegetables. Having filled the bags, I decided to check with the saleswoman:
- Tell me, are these vegetables without nitrates and without any toxic substances? I'll carry them to my mother-in-law.
Saleswoman:
- Without... You, young man, need to put this in yourself.
Lost mother-in-law. If he returns, I will kill him.
Who is this mother-in-law?
- Her mother...
Who is this mother-in-law?
- Her mother...
The mother-in-law decided to check which of her sons-in-law loved her more: she jumped into the well and shouted:
- Help me, I’m drowning.
The eldest son-in-law ran up and pulled it out, and in the morning the Volga wakes up, a gift from his mother-in-law. The middle son-in-law is the same, only a gift - a motorcycle.
It was the turn of the younger brother, the mother-in-law began to drown. The younger son-in-law runs up and thinks to himself:
- She gave the eldest a Volga, the middle one a motorcycle, but what about a scooter for me?!
He took it and drowned it, in the morning he wakes up, looks, there is a Mercedes - a gift from his father-in-law to his best son-in-law.
The cop has returned from Chechnya, there’s a holiday at home - the wife is chirping, the mother-in-law is rushing to the table, pouring vodka... They sit for an hour, sit for two, sit for three, the wife is already tired and goes to take care of the children, the mother-in-law is already hinting that it’s time to know the honor, and The cop and his father-in-law only had the most masculine conversations:
Father-in-law - I brought a captured Schmeiser from the war, but what are you doing?
Cop - And I'm "Mukhu"
T. - What kind of trouble is this?
Mentyara takes out a grenade launcher.
T. - Wow, what the hell is this? How does it shoot?
M. - Let me show you...
Open the window to the courtyard.
M. - No, that’s not interesting - you need a goal.
T. - You see the toilet, imagine that these are militants driving a UAZ.
M. - Yeah
Aims. Crash - barkheska into splinters.
The father-in-law is delighted - This is the thing!!!
They rolled on, then again and again... The cop looks around the hut with a dull eye:
- Where did your mother-in-law go?
Father-in-law:
- It wasn’t a good idea to ride with the militants in a UAZ...
Jokes about mother-in-law.
“And my mother-in-law and I were fabulously lucky.”
- Really? And where did you dig up such a treasure?
- I buried it, buddy. Buried it.
Jokes about mother-in-law
— What is the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
— 2 kg including the urn.
Jokes about mother-in-law
Two friends meet. One's hands are painted different colors.
- What happened to you? - asks one.
“Yes, sclerosis tormented me, so I painted my left hand purple, like the letter “L,” and my right hand coffee.
- Listen, how did you remember such complex words with your sclerosis?
- Yes, it’s very simple, my mother-in-law is Liliya Prokofyevna, and this horror is driven into me at the subconscious level!
Jokes about mother-in-law
An Englishman, who returned from a family holiday in Australia, shares his impressions with his friend:
- Wonderful country! Where we lived there was everything you could want. Bars for me, a beautiful beach for the kids, sun for the wife and a shark for my mother-in-law.
Two friends meet. One asks:
— What are you doing this Saturday morning?
“Let’s go with my son into nature, we’ll fly a dragon snake into the field into the heights!”
- I have the same program - I’ll go to see my mother-in-law off at the airport.
— Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with cotton wool?
- Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
The new Russian got married. The wife is smart, but the mother-in-law was so mischievous. This is not so for her, then it is not so for her. One evening, his mother-in-law told him: “I don’t know how much money you will spend, what connections you will use, but I want you to bury me on Red Square.” The next day, coming home for lunch, the new Russian said to his mother-in-law: “I won’t tell you now how much money I spent and what connections I used, but I hope it’s ready in two hours!!!”
A little son asks his father:
Dad, what is trouble and what is a catastrophe?
When, son, my car was stolen, it was a disaster, but not a disaster. But if my mother-in-law, your grandmother, drove our car into the city and crashed into a bus there and died, then it would be a disaster, but the problem is that she doesn’t go to the city...
Friends came to the man. The owner just waved his hand - the wife and mother-in-law immediately set the table, put out the drinks, bow to the guests, and serve cigarettes.
- How did you manage that?
— I’m sitting somehow, eating pancakes. The cat climbed onto the table and pulled off one pancake. I gave him a warning. He pulled off the second one. I give him a second warning. He is the third. I am the third warning. He takes the fourth one, I take him by the tail and out the window. And we have the twelfth floor.
- What does the cat have to do with it?
- What about it? The wife has two warnings. And my mother-in-law has three.
Call to the veterinarian: Now my mother-in-law will come to you with an old dog. So you give her an injection of some very powerful poison so that she doesn’t suffer and die right away...
Veterinarian: - Will the dog find its way home?
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Jokes about the mother-in-law and her frankly difficult relationship with her son-in-law are undoubted “classics of the genre” that can appeal to joke lovers of any gender and age. In our selection we present the ten funniest jokes about mother-in-law.
***
1.
- Dad, but witches don’t exist?
Father, looking at his mother-in-law:
- When I was little, I thought so too.
***
2.
- And I always take a photograph of my mother-in-law with me on a hike...
- For what?
- Well, how?! Thunder, lightning, rain, cold, mud, mosquitoes bite, and I look at the card and think: Lord, how good!
***
3.
At an appointment with a psychiatrist.
- Doctor, every night I see my mother-in-law in the same nightmare, walking a huge crocodile on a leash. Just imagine those yellow bared teeth, narrowed eyes and that gaze blazing with hatred!
- It's really scary.
- What’s more, I’ll tell you about the crocodile now!
***
4. My mother-in-law Eleonora Fedorovna gave me alpine skis and all the equipment... no one has ever wanted to get rid of me so elegantly!
***
5.
Mother-in-law talks with son-in-law:
- The wrong youth went, the wrong ones... They haven’t been going to the graves of their loved ones for years, well, where has that been seen!
- Just don’t generalize, mom. I will go to your grave once a month. I will strengthen the fence, paint it, wash the monument until it shines, lay a bouquet, plant seedlings, remember. Just keep your word.
***
6. The mother-in-law had three sons-in-law. And one day she decided to check how much they respect and love her. He goes for a walk with his older brother-in-law. They approach the pond. She goes for a swim and starts to drown. He jumps into the water and saves her. The next day he wakes up and sees a Volga car near his house with a note: “To my beloved son-in-law from his mother-in-law.” Comes with medium. The same story. She drowns, he saves her. The next day, the middle son-in-law wakes up and sees a Zhiguli car near his house with a note “To my beloved son-in-law from his mother-in-law.” Goes with the youngest. She begins to sink, and he thinks: “Since the eldest got a Volga, the middle one got a Zhiguli, then I get a Zaporozhets or what? No, I won’t save her.” She leaves and the mother-in-law drowns. The next day, the younger son-in-law wakes up and sees a Mercedes car near his house with a note “To my beloved son-in-law from his father-in-law.”
***
7.
Conversation between son and father at the station.
Son:
- Dad, dad, is grandma really coming by this train?
Dad:
- Exactly, exactly! Let's not get distracted, unscrew the nuts quickly!
***
8.
I sent my mother-in-law on a cruise on the ship "Chapaev".
Not the Titanic, of course - but there is hope.
***
9. Mother-in-law asks son-in-law:
Did you see the man who saved me when I was drowning?
Yes, he already came to me to apologize.
***
10.
The son-in-law comes home from the hospital and says to his mother-in-law:
- Spit on my back.
- What you! - The mother-in-law was scared.
- Spit, I say! The doctor prescribed rubbing with snake venom.
Jokes about Mother-in-law are funny to tears
- Defendant, why did you strangle your mother-in-law?
- Yes, I'm tired of her, your honor!
- So is this a reason to kill a person? For example, my mother-in-law is such a creature, a bastard, a bitch, a brute, an idiot, a hag, a nit, a nonentity... in short, a probationary year!
***
One friend says to another:
“And I always give my mother-in-law an even number of flowers.”
- How much is this?
- Zero.
***
- Dad, we were given cases in Russian. Say the word mother-in-law.
Dad:
- Snake!
- Cattle!
- Bastard!
- Nits!
- Bitch!
***
Super lame: throw away the toothbrush that I used to brush my teeth for six months, and hear from my mother-in-law that no one has seen my brush?
***
He wanted to improve relations with his mother-in-law and decided to order her a beautiful fashionable dress on the Internet, but, as luck would have it, she woke up just at the moment when he was measuring her with a tape measure...
***
Two musicians talking:
— I heard you recently got married?
- Yes.
- How's your wife?
— He organizes concerts every day.
- And your mother-in-law?
- Her mother-in-law is opening for her.
A programmer once bought himself a car. Well, to celebrate, I decided to go to the forest with my whole family and mother-in-law for a picnic... As they were driving, the car suddenly stalled. What to do? I dropped my wife off - the car wouldn't start, dropped off the children - the same thing, dropped off my mother-in-law - it wouldn't start, took out all the things... And... the car started.
The wife happily asks:
- Petenka, darling - what did you do?!
- I don’t know... I REBOOTED!
***
Why are you smiling? You hit a wheelbarrow yesterday.
- Yeah. - The bumper is dented. - Yeah. - I broke the glass. - Yeah. - Mother-in-law also hit her head.
- Wow.
***
We are going with my mother-in-law from the Southern Cemetery. Traffic cops stop you at the traffic police checkpoint.
Documents and all that... And the question:
- Why is the passenger not wearing a seat belt?
Not knowing what to answer, I say:
- And this is mother-in-law!
The traffic cop, without thinking twice, returns the documents to me and says:
- Bon Voyage!..
***
Shower. There's a knock on the door. The man opens it, and the mother-in-law is standing there. He says to her: “What are you doing outside in this weather?” Go home!!!
***
The son is going to his grandmother for the summer. I’ll urgently buy him a vuvuzela - let his mother-in-law rejoice!
***
The mother-in-law came to visit and she and her daughter locked themselves in the kitchen. The son-in-law is sitting watching TV. Then his son approaches him:
- Dad, how did I appear?
- The stork brought you.
- And you?
- And the stork brought me.
- And mom?
- And mom.
- And grandma?
- No, the devil brought grandma.
***
Dad, dad! Why is our grandmother running like that - in zigzags?
- To whom is a grandmother, and to whom is a mother-in-law!
Move away, don't interfere with aiming!
***
- How can you constantly quarrel with your wife and at the same time respect your mother-in-law?
“Once upon a time it was she who was resolutely against our marriage...
***
Can you imagine - the mother-in-law - s..ka, enrolled my wife in the karate section!
- So how is it?
- He is engaged...
- And you?
- What about me? I became much better at cooking, cleaning my apartment, and began to love doing laundry and ironing...
***
Dear mother-in-law!
Please don't try to teach me how to raise my children. I am married to one of your daughters, and believe me, the results of your upbringing are also far from perfect. Best wishes.
Your son-in-law.
***
A man came out to clean the well. He cleaned it and called his mother-in-law to throw him a rope and pull him out of the well.
And his mother-in-law:
- If you call me mom, I’ll pull you out.
The man was tormented, tormented - he couldn’t dare call his mother-in-law mom. She was offended, turned around and left. The man shouted, swore, there was nothing to do, he somehow got out on his own, was all ragged, broke his nails, angry as hell. He jumped out of the well, ran into the house - and grabbed the gun. The mother-in-law saw and ran to hide in the corn. Her son-in-law sneaks behind her through the corn and tenderly says:
-Maaamo, where are you?
***
If your mother-in-law complains that she hasn’t sat down all day, advise her to do some squats.
***
At night he came home drunk, quietly undressed, went to bed, hugged his wife, and suddenly his mother-in-law’s voice: “Lucy is in the other room!” I have never sobered up so quickly before.
***
The husband says to his wife:
- Well, I don’t know, let’s give your mother as much money as she is old.
- Wow! What, let's just donate 50 thousand?
- What, she just turned 50 thousand?!
***
tro. Doorbell. The sleepy husband opens the door. On the threshold is the mother-in-law who has arrived from the station with two suitcases. Silent scene. Then the husband turns around and shouts into the room:
- Zin, get up, help with the suitcases. Mom is leaving here!
***
Give me the most beautiful rose.
- To a girl?
- It’s my mother-in-law’s birthday.
- Why so modest?
- Really. Give me two.
Our mother-in-law masterfully masters the techniques of applying preliminary threats to enhance the main blow. For example, first: “Here, I’ll leave you...”, then a pause and: “You can’t wait!”
***
Are you in too good a mood? Call your mother-in-law!
***
An announcement on the fence: “A young family without children will urgently rent a 1-room apartment. We guarantee order, cleanliness and timely payment.” At the bottom there is a note: “People, save me from my mother-in-law!”
***
Vasya! Our cat pooped in his slippers!!!
- What?! You vile brute! I'll fucking kill you!!!
- Not yours! In mom's!
- Oh, well, give him some sour cream!
***
A man comes with his mother-in-law to the DOSAAF shooting range, and the instructor tells him: “Sorry, but we can’t have our own targets.”
***
A man was going to his mother-in-law's birthday party. I thought for a long time about what to buy her as a gift - I bought gold earrings and a gun. At home, his wife looked at him and said: “Well, any woman would like earrings, especially gold ones.” Well, why a gun? - And a gun to make holes in your ears!
***
Hello, mother-in-law! I haven't seen you for so long... But, as they say, all good things must come to an end.
***
At a funeral, a goat follows the coffin, followed by a long line of people. Passerby: - Who are they burying? “My mother-in-law,” explains the man in a black suit. - Why did she die? - a passerby became interested. - Yes, this same goat gored her to death. “Listen, rent a goat for a day,” the passer-by begged. - Don’t you see what a line is behind him?
The son-in-law is sitting in the kitchen, having dinner. The mother-in-law comes in, takes a broom, and starts walking around the kitchen. Son-in-law: - Are you going to sweep, mommy, or are you going to fly somewhere?
***
Why are you so happy?
- My mother-in-law gave me a carbon fiber spinning rod for the 23rd.
- So she hates you!?
- And I was shouting for several days: I hate carbon fiber spinning rods! God forbid someone gives you a carbon fiber spinning rod!..
***
My mother-in-law looks after my kids every Saturday... and in return I look after her daughter every day.
***
A man flies into the dry cleaners. - Do you remove grease stains from the sofa? - Of course we do! - Here's the money! Here is the address! And the greasy spot on the sofa is called Klavdia Petrovna!
***
To be afraid of your mother-in-law - you can’t fuck with your wife.
***
Before getting married, a man must carefully consider all the advantages and disadvantages of his chosen one. It is important that she be a smart, kind, understanding woman. Without bad habits, preferably with a sense of humor, not greedy, and even better, generous. And only after weighing all the pros and cons of the future mother-in-law, begin to evaluate the potential wife.
***
The wife, under pain of divorce, forbade her husband to call his mother-in-law a snake. My husband stopped. Now, when the mother-in-law arrives, she says: “Mom has crawled.”
***
Dear seismologists, is it possible to report large earthquakes in advance? My mother-in-law hasn’t vacationed anywhere for a long time.
***
Well, son-in-law, happy holiday to you?
- What holiday is this, mom?
- Yes, I need to leave urgently...
***
A man comes to a department store and sees the following picture: another customer shouts:
- What it is! I bought sausage here, and my mother-in-law got poisoned from it!
Man:
- Better than causing a scandal, you should tell me in which department you bought this sausage!
***
A grandfather on a bus addresses a young passenger:
- Son, shame on you, give way to that grandmother over there!
- This is my mother-in-law.
- So give her the bag of potatoes, don’t hold it on your lap, it’s uncomfortable for you!
***
A cop comes home early in the morning, covered in lipstick, his tie on his side, his fly unbuttoned. The wife asks:
- Where have you been? Cop:
- You won’t believe it, I sat in ambush all night.
And then my mother-in-law pokes her head out from behind the door:
- So how is it? Ambushed?
***
I want my mother-in-law to become the Snow Maiden.
- Well, you are a romantic!
- No, I just won’t see her more than once a year.
***
At the market, a granny sells apples, and on them there is a sign “Chernobyl”. Corr.
- Probably no one buys them from you?
Granny
- Why are you - some for the wife, some for the mother-in-law!
***
Men talking on a hike:
- Why are you taking a photograph of your mother-in-law with you?
- Well, you see: dirt, rain, cold. How will I look at her?
- Lord, it’s good here!
***
A passerby, seeing the funeral procession, joins the man carrying the coffin, takes off his hat and asks: P: - Who are we burying? M: - MOTHER-IN-LAW... P: - Why are you carrying the coffin sideways? M: - And when we turn him over on his back, he starts snoring.
***
From the reports: - Yesterday, a gun hanging on the wall, gr. Sidorov suddenly shot. Mother-in-law gr. Sidorova dodged the shot but was hit in the back with a butt.
***
I'm lucky with my wife! She's smart, beautiful, and knows how to cook! But there is a fly in the ointment...
- ?
- Harmful mother-in-law!
- My situation is much worse. Let's put it this way: my wife can't handle more than a spoonful of honey, and she doesn't make a difference in a barrel of tar!
***
Both are to blame for the fact that families break up, and I believe that the blame is distributed equally: 50% - the wife, 50% - the mother-in-law!
***
Mother-in-law, returning from the sanatorium: “A snake bit me there.” The doctors barely managed to pump him out. Son-in-law: - Mom, I told you that you should go to a boarding house, not to a sanatorium. - Are there any snakes there? - There are no doctors there.
***
Airport. Two mechanics stand at the runway and watch the plane take off. One to the other: - Well, did you service this plane normally? The second, turning the oil filter in his hands: - Are you kidding me?! My mother-in-law is flying there...
***
The mother-in-law came to visit the newlyweds. Everyone is sitting at the table, having dinner. A clock hangs above the mother-in-law. The mother-in-law ate and went to wash her hands. As soon as she left, the clock fell. Husband in an indignant voice:
- Damn, they're always late.
***
On Saturday around 7 am, someone rang my doorbell. Half asleep, I went to open the door. It was my mother-in-law. She asked: “Can I stay here for a week?” - Certainly! - I answered and immediately closed the door.
***
The mother-in-law is sitting in a chair and petting her Rottweiler.
Seeing his son-in-law, he commands the dog:
- Son-in-law!!!
***
The mother-in-law is absolutely sure that clothes with horizontal stripes make you look fat, and clothes with vertical stripes make you thin. I confused her and bought her in a cage.
***
The son-in-law and mother-in-law are lying down looking at the starry sky, making wishes. The son-in-law made a wish, but the mother-in-law did not have time...
***
The mother-in-law came to visit... The dejected son-in-law goes to his son:
- Remember, you wanted a drum last year, and a trombone the year before?
So, tomorrow we will buy both!..
***
Dear, look, they are writing about the crisis, salaries are falling, bonuses are being cut...
- Wow! And your mother keeps talking, look for a job, look for a job! What a fool!