Hello Olga! I decided to contact you, because I was confused not only in relationships but also in myself. I am 38. I lived with my husband for 11 years. Almost always we lived only on what I earned. He constantly lied even in small things. But at the same time, he was a sensitive and caring husband. We didn’t have children for a long time, a long treatment, tears of despair on my part, persuasion from him. He supported me at that moment very much (in moral terms). Then all the same, a miracle happened - our daughter was born. But it turned out that my husband had hepatitis C. Then I supported him. And 4, 5 years ago, serious problems began in our family. As soon as the child was born, my husband began to disappear from home for a long time, although he came to spend the night, but I felt that something was wrong. After some time, my friends and relatives began to call me and talk about how my husband borrowed money from them and does not give it back, then they began to come and call from several banks. To all my questions and tantrums, my husband evaded answers and left. Then he disappeared for a week, called and said that I was not looking for him. At this time, some strange people began to come to us, demanded money, threatened (and my husband was hiding at that time) ... this went on for six months. I still don’t know where he spent the money. I couldn’t stand it and in the end everything was already going to a divorce. At that moment, I met my friend. And simple communication grew into feelings. They began to meet. six months later I divorced and he left his second wife with a small child (although they were not registered). And now, after 3.5 years since we met, he proposed to me. Everything would be fine, but all this time my ex-husband did not leave me alone - he called, looked for meetings, said HOW he loves me, called me to marry again. The second man also says that he loves, although there is no physical help from him. I believe Thu and after the register will be the same. And now I began to doubt ... where should I rush ... The ex-husband, in fact, jeopardized us with the child then. It's hard for me to forget this horror. But I understand that I can’t live with a second man, his 2 children from different women. And also his mother - she does not let anyone near him - she eliminated all of his women. And I seem to suffer the same fate. His relatives do not communicate with me, because. They think that I destroyed his second family. From the first he divorced because his wife began to drink. But on the other hand, he works, is responsible, and most importantly, he does not lie. So now they are simultaneously asking me to marry. I went to a psychologist, she advised me to take a time-out, to understand myself and that maybe someone will not wait and everything will be decided by itself. I did not communicate with them for 3 weeks, I said that I would think about it. But on the designated day, they told me in turn that they could not live without me and that they were moving to live with me. It would be funny if it weren't so sad... Give me advice... where to rush-twice into the same river or start from scratch?
Good afternoon dear expert! My name is Elena, I am 30 years old. My family is falling apart! My husband and I have known each other for a long time, we studied together in the 5th grade, then we met when we were 22 years old, he ended the relationship, I was also free, he looked at me as a woman, and we started a relationship, everything was wonderful, in life everything was there, I didn’t want to leave, they loved, fought, everything! I fell in love with him very much, blindly, wildly, I did everything for him. we have been married for 8 years, all 8 years we could not have a child, we were diagnosed with infertility. I had a lot of men before my husband, and I have 4 women, my husband has the position that physical betrayal is unacceptable (namely sex), my husband found himself off-road (cross-country racing in the mud), self-esteem went up, 4 years ago he got carried away a girl on the road with a company in St. Petersburg, he was drunk, kissing, but no more, he wanted to leave me, immediately plunged into the pool, then I forgave him, he stayed, we got married, tried to be treated for infertility, unsuccessfully. And now I'm pregnant for 2 months, he was surprised, but I didn't see much joy! And here I found the correspondence between him and the girl, it was his love 12 years ago, she left him then, he wrote that he still loves her, he no longer feels that feeling for me, he is ready to leave me, and nothing will stop him , I cried, hysteria (tried to say that it was difficult to rebuild, broke it). Since December, they only corresponded, and on April 24 they met, he invited her and his girlfriend to ride, there were memories, as he says, something flared up, a kiss, there was nothing else. At some point, I let him go, said, go, he rushed to her, on the last day we had crazy sex, and that's it, he left me, I packed my things and went to my parents. The next day, he called and said that if I still want, he is ready to stay with me, he wants it, but those feelings are gone, with me he called the girl and said that everything was between them (I pressed), meet her she refused the request, deleted her phone, her girlfriend, profiles on classmate sites, contact, and stayed, I began to invent men for myself, trying to watch his reaction, he is jealous. He says that the feeling for me is deeper, but he revised the word love. He says, Lena, tell yourself STOP, don’t remind me of her, don’t disturb and don’t torment me, I’m with you, and I don’t know how to live on, because he loves her, or how else can this be understood. I'm confused how to live!!!??? I have a long-awaited pregnancy, but I'm nervous, I smoke a lot, although I quit before that, I can't eat. They found some kind of infection in me, exclusively due to pregnancy, and, realizing that it was mean, I said that you picked up something from her through a kiss, it turns out that you are ready for the lowest deeds for the sake of love, after that he fell to me at his feet and said that he would no longer approach any woman, swore by our child (I asked for it myself). I am a loving monster!!!
Thanks in advance for your reply!
Elena, Moscow, 30 years old
Family Psychologist Answer:
Hello, Elena.
At first we lose, then we return by all means, and after that we don’t know what to do with it further. Here you are in the same situation. You achieved what you wanted, your husband stayed, a long-awaited pregnancy, you just need to forbid yourself to think about the bad. There was no betrayal, and it is not worth reminding once again that it is already behind. It is not known what feelings he is experiencing, maybe a banal passion, backed up by past memories. And love, I will not give definitions, because for each person it is something different. A concept that includes not only words, but also warmth, respect, affection, passion, etc. Love, forgive, enjoy life! Pleasant worries and moments await you soon.
Sincerely, Belomoitseva Natalya Alekseevna.
Hi all. I want to hear opinions from the outside, because she herself is no longer able to understand herself and her life. We have been living with a guy for 6 years together, not married. Not married, because The guy says all the time: then, then. Either you need to get on your feet, then you need to work at least a year at work, then you need to start getting a bigger salary. He promised to get married this summer. I don't hope anymore, and I don't know if I want it or not. By nature, he is closed, but he starts up easily. When we first started dating, we had a lot in common, in particular, we both loved to learn something new (read, study, study). Over these 6 years, we have become not only as a guy and a girl, but also as best friends. Both are introverts, there are no friends like current ones, only acquaintances. He works, he will never deceive, if necessary he will help, he will not refuse. At one time he dropped out of school, and did not return to her. From time to time he had impulses. I have always supported him in everything, helped him. Since I always believed that everything should be achieved together. I used to think that our relationship was forever, but now... I don't know. He has changed a lot lately. He is kind of categorical about everything. He works in a factory where you can't work for a long time, especially with his health. And there is no way out, because he is uneducated. I and his parents tell him, let's do it, at least some education is needed, because anything happens in life. And he: I don't want to be a nerd. It seems to be 26 years old, and he is thrown from one extreme to another. I ask why you got it so that if you study, you will definitely be a nerd. To which he replies: I will ruin my health at this study, and I don’t like to study. Although just two months ago, he had such a desire to go to study, he sat studying. I just don't understand what he wants. Either he wants it or he doesn't. I always knew what I want from life, and living with him, I already got confused myself. Now he hit this box with his head, after work he goes to training three times a week, he comes at 11 o'clock. Every evening he goes to the stadium and practices until the evening. Basically, I don't mind! Let him if he wants. But he was so carried away by it that he simply does not see other goals in life. For example, our apartment is being renovated. My mother helps us with him, or rather how she helps: we do everything ourselves with her ... Having left, she said, at least tear off the wallpaper, I will come and paint the walls. As a result: nothing has been done. To do everything myself - I don’t know ... I think that we should both do everything. By the way, we live in my apartment. That is, he does not care that the printus are not nailed, that the socket is not made. He needs to be repeated many times, and more importantly, so as not to offend. And then in two weeks he will do it. To be honest, I'm tired. I understand that he works and gets tired at work. But I also work! And I have time to clean up and cook food. Yes, I don't always get it. Of course, his work and mine cannot be compared, it is easier for me, but nevertheless. After work, he gives all his strength to these trainings. As a man around the house, he does nothing ... Even when they put the countertop in the kitchen, I myself had to seal everything with sealant ... In principle, if you talk to him calmly, ask him to start helping, he will agree and say: of course, beloved. But that's all. To be honest, I don’t know, but will it be the same in the future? All the strength for these workouts. And I alone decide everything. He tells me that you are working at your favorite job, but I am not, and, they say, boxing is my hobby, since childhood I wanted to become a boxer, but my parents allegedly destroyed his dream. Here is another of his shortcomings - it is to blame everyone. He has very cool parents (this is one of the reasons why I don’t want to part with him, although I understand that I don’t live with them, but with a guy). He says they sent him to the wrong place to study. Allegedly, he was simply brainwashed, driven into his head that he needed to go to study for a technical specialty. Although he submitted documents to the university himself, and his parents are to blame ... To the fact that he says that he does not like his job, I answer him: go while your age allows you to unlearn, and get a job. And he: they get little with the tower ... In short, he stands his ground. I understand that I am not his mother to advise and guide. But we kind of planned to start a family! And here you are... Work, boxing, work boxing. Yes, in principle, that’s all for me - it doesn’t matter if he has a tower or not, I don’t really look at the salary, but the point is that this boxing is so stuck in his head that he doesn’t see further than him. Comes home from work, and immediately watch a video on YouTube about boxing, and on the trail. a day for training ... We don’t go anywhere, because there’s stupidly no money. On vacation, I myself took tickets to us back and forth, he didn’t care where I would get the money for tickets (I saved them up). Basically, he doesn't do anything. He says that if a guy is born, then we will give him to martial arts so that he does not grow up like a mattress, otherwise they will suddenly offend him so that he can stand up for himself. In principle, I agree, but knowing my boyfriend, I feel that in the future, the child will also see nothing but boxing. .. And I thought that I would give the child in English, to some circles. After all, once he was with me 100% agree! There was even such a case, he at work (at work !!!) decided to box with some guy, they say, he also practices boxing. As a result: comes with a black eye. At home, instead of a cozy atmosphere, some kind of negativity is constantly hovering because of this box: everywhere its sports equipment, mouth guard, boxing gloves, helmet, belts ... Tired ... Constantly the sounds of battle from this computer ... Why is that? Although he also has pluses: if necessary, he will wash the dishes and regret it, and I know for sure that he will never change ... Yesterday they tried to part with him, I sobbed, damn it, and I love him and have already got used to it, over the years I have become the most dear person for me ... Plus, I'm such a person: I don't like parties, hangouts, companies, I'm a very homely girl. And I think that if we part, then I’m unlikely to meet someone ... I’m confused, I don’t want anything anymore. Here we live and live, but what will happen next - I don’t know ... We no longer have common interests. I tell him, make a foreign passport, fly somewhere in the winter, save money, he: yeah, I'll do it. As a result, it’s been doing it for the second month already ... It’s enough ... What do you advise ... Maybe we’re just different ... But it’s very painful to take it and leave it like that ... I can’t roar, at night I stupidly wake up at four in the morning and look into the ceiling...
In a relationship, a situation often arises where the partner’s further intentions are not clear. When a partner says one thing, but for some reason it pulls with the transition to a serious relationship. Let's look at some examples of such situations. (A partner refers to both a man and a woman.)
Does my partner love me?
A very important question at the beginning of a relationship is whether my partner loves me? The answer to this question depends on the future planning of life). Do I need a person or not? There is a saying, "You can't force yourself to be nice." Therefore, if the chosen one (tsy) does not have reciprocal feelings, is it worth wasting your time to achieve this? Of course, it’s not always love at first sight and it takes time to get to know a person better, then feelings for him appear, but if enough time has passed and feelings haven’t appeared, then most likely they won’t appear.
But sometimes there is no clear answer to this question, it seems that the partner loves, but it seems that he does not. And then such a suspended state sets in, when it is not clear whether to continue the relationship, or to leave. If you find yourself in such a state and cannot independently understand the situation, you can turn to a psychologist for help.
Partner pulls with the transition to cohabitation.
Relationships can be divided into stages. The first stage is the stage of acquaintance and courtship, the so-called candy-bouquet period. Usually this stage is the happiest and most carefree in a relationship, partners fly on the wings of love. The next stage in a relationship is living together and living together. As a rule, if none of the partners is against it, then this stage comes on its own as a logical continuation of the relationship after the candy-bouquet period. But sometimes that doesn't happen. For some reason, one of the partners does not agree to live together, but is not going to leave either. And again, such a suspended situation can last quite a long time and it is not clear how it will all end. Again, it can be very difficult to figure out on your own in such a situation and in the desires of a partner.
The man does not propose.
The next logical step in relations is their legalization, i.e. wedding. And in the transition to this stage, too, difficulties may arise. Most often, a man does not want to go to this stage, but there are situations when resistance arises in a woman. It seems that the couple has known each other for a long time and has the experience of living together, but the wedding does not happen. In such situations, it is often not clear why the partner has resistance. And the partner cannot (or does not want to) clearly answer this question. Again, in this case, the help of a psychologist will help to figure out why the partner has resistance to creating a serious relationship.
Sometimes, of course, people do not play a wedding, but they consider their relationship as serious, there is a great common life, and plans for children. In this case, there is no problem in the absence of a wedding, because a wedding is just a formality - an official confirmation of the seriousness of the relationship)
These are the possible problems that can arise in a relationship. In addition, a lot of confusion and uncertainty arises in love triangles. Let's consider the most typical case.
A man does not leave his wife for a mistress.
A very common problem in a love triangle is when a man promises to divorce his wife and marry his mistress, but still doesn't do it. The lover girl is then in limbo and does not understand what she should do next, continue to wait for the man to decide to take such a step or abandon such a relationship? It is extremely difficult to assess your own chances of success in such a situation. According to statistics, only one man out of six leaves his wife for his mistress, and almost everyone promises to leave). Therefore, it is very important to predict your chances of success as early as possible.
All of the above examples relate to a situation where you need to predict the behavior of a partner in order to assess your chances for a serious relationship. It is extremely difficult to make a good forecast while inside a relationship, because feelings overwhelm and make it difficult to objectively look at the situation. Therefore, we recommend that you contact our specialist in problems of this kind. A professional view from the outside will help you clearly see the problem, understand its causes and evaluate your chances of success!