Family psychologist, interpersonal relationship consultant, director of the dating agency “Me and You” Elena Kuznetsova talks about what ladies often do wrong.
Consider everything decided
This is an option. The situation is classic. A girl meets a guy and decides: “Mine.” And almost from the first dates, without asking the young man, he begins to plan a serious relationship, a wedding and further life together. And the gentleman, as they say, is in no mood: he just likes the girl, and he simply wouldn’t mind, but there’s no way he’s going to marry the young lady down the aisle.
“On the girl’s part, the behavior turns out to be aggressive and demonstrative. She openly voices her idea of a wedding, and a man who is not satisfied with this state of affairs either quietly “sheds” from such a young lady or begins to snap,” says Kuznetsova.
She reminds that partners, especially at the beginning of a relationship, must respect each other's freedom.
Interference with privacy
This is perhaps the most common type of female misbehavior. The couple had only two or, and the lady is already beginning to “play wife” and interrogate the man with passion: “Why didn’t you call?”, “What time did you get home from work?”, “Why did they see you at the bar?” and so on. That is, total control is established over the personal life of a representative of the stronger sex.
Some girls like to plan a guy's time for him. She is trying to decide whether to go out with friends, go to the movies, or go out. “We’re not going anywhere,” such young ladies sometimes say to their partner, without even asking whether he wants to stay at home or not. Or they say: “Tomorrow we are going to visit my mother.” The form of communication is ultimatum everywhere.
Another attempt to interfere in a man’s personal life includes weaning him from any habits: “Why do you drink?”, “Why do you smoke?”, “You need to lose weight,” and so on.
Competition with a man
A typical situation for many women who are constantly trying to prove to their new man that they are smarter and cooler than him. Such ladies constantly “climb” into male territory in conversations. For example, a woman who knows about cars criticizes her boyfriend's car, or talks about suspensions and changing tires.
Some of the girls like to argue with a man about football, or begin to lecture the gentleman: “You don’t understand this issue, I understand better.” And here in the conversation there is already competition, because a man is in his own field - in men's issues, in men's topics, says Kuznetsova. She strongly advises ladies not to argue with the opposite sex.
“And arguing is the lot of men. A woman's wisdom lies in her flexibility and tolerance, and in the fact that she can listen. If a man starts an argument, the woman should say: “Yes, you are right.” Or: “Perhaps this option exists.” Don't infringe on your manhood. This is ethics, a matter of respect for a partner,” explains the psychologist.
Parity relationships are welcomed only when it comes to sports passion, when a girl plays chess or bowling well and can become a worthy opponent in the game.
Question: “Do you love me?”
This one, because it is usually asked very early, when there is no love yet, only sympathy. But even when there are really strong feelings, men still react negatively to such a question because they consider it stupid. Representatives of the stronger sex usually reason like this: “You must see and understand that, why voice it?”
Asking your partner about his feelings for you should only be done as a love game and only when you are in a truly serious relationship.
Playing for the public
Some girls like to provoke their boyfriends when they are in company. Young ladies flirt with other guys, trying to compete, which is why the gentleman is clearly not happy. Be careful, don't play with fire.
"Promotion" for money
Mistakes that ladies often make include “promotion” with money. Almost on the second date, the young lady drags the gentleman to the store and asks him to buy her shoes or a dress. This approach to business angers anyone, because everything has its time.
“When I personally asked the question to self-sufficient men: “Are you ready for material things,” they all answered the same thing: “If she deserves it.” That is, a normal man himself determines whether he wants to give a woman a gift or not. And if he is really a real man, he will buy everything when he sees fit. If he’s a miser, then a woman has nothing to count on,” the interpersonal relations consultant is sure.
Kuznetsova categorically insists that at the beginning of a love relationship you cannot ask a man for anything. This should be done later, when at least a few months have passed and when it is clear that you are really a couple.
Imposition
There are not very smart women who are actively... After the meeting they write and call themselves, as they say, a rod like a tank. This is not a woman's line of behavior.
Helpful information
Elena Kuznetsova, director of the dating agency “I and You”, family psychologist. Phone 8-920-909-62-35.Some men may follow the lead of an active woman, but only if she really really likes her. But it's better not to take risks.
“Even if you are a woman and you are “stuck” by a call, be careful and look at the man’s reaction. If he responded happily, then the initiative had an effect, but still don’t overdo it. I still don’t recommend taking a man out on a date every time, otherwise the gentleman will treat you with consumerism,” warns Elena Kuznetsova. She is sure that it would be useful to remind the ladies that it is the man who should conquer the woman, but not the other way around.
If you have questions for psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected] .
This is something that applies equally to both guys and girls. So, where are the main jambs:
Now as for purely boys:
- After sex, do not walk the girl home. Well, or at least take a taxi. This is the so-called syndrome "He only needs me for sex!" How does the girl perceive it? As long as the guy is courting the girl, everything is great! Flowers, gifts, going to the movies, cafes, restaurants, feeding the ducks on the pond. Everything is great. To celebrate, the girl opens access to her flower of love in the hope of further continuation of the fairy tale. But, at the moment when she hopes for a romantic parting, the door is opened for her and she is sketchily told the way to the nearest metro station. This is where the fairy tale ends. The thought comes that "I just got fucked" and they don’t want to see you anymore.
- After the first sex, call and obviously invite her to sleep with you again. Another manifestation of the syndrome described above. The girl’s train of thought is the same. I see no point in explaining.
- Confess your strong feelings for a girl early on. Available guys are not interesting to girls. When you completely open up to a girl, the intrigue is immediately lost. She has nothing left to fight for. Now you can't escape her. It's boring. Remember: we only want what we cannot get! Correction: the approach of declaring your love a week after the first sex works if the girl has no other options other than you. But, it seems to me, any more or less nice-looking girl will always have options. If there are no options, apparently something is wrong with the girl. But as they say: "love is evil..."
- Immediately offer her to live with you. Another way to overestimate a girl’s importance.
- Do not offer the girl anything other than sex. If your happy relationship is like a “weekly fuck marathon” on weekends at your house. This is again quite sad. And believe me, relationships built only on sex do not last long.
And now, finally, we get to the lovely ladies. Let's go!
Bottom line
These were just basic mistakes that often occur at the very beginning of a relationship. In the middle (after 5 months) there are many more. But more on that next time.
But how to move on to a serious relationship? Has there been such a thing in your life that you met, communicated, but did not develop a serious relationship? And you were spinning in one place, then everything fell apart and moved nowhere further. If this sounds familiar to you, you will find this article very helpful.
Does it often happen that a man is lonely? Is there a normal man, worthy, without a relationship? Is it true that millions of men cannot find their soulmate, that loneliness is inherent in men too?
Male loneliness
Does male loneliness exist? If you look at the statistics, it turns out that a man is often afraid to admit that he is lonely. He is afraid to say that he feels bad, that he really cannot find the woman he loves.
P About statistics, 25% of men and women are not in a relationship. Another 25% are in a couple. For the other 25%, the family is falling apart. The remaining 25% are dissatisfied with their relationship, dissatisfied with their partner, and live in a civil marriage.
Often men just pretend that they don’t care, but in reality they “howl” and go crazy without the woman they love. A man, first of all, is looking for a woman who understands him, with whom he will feel spiritual comfort. Finding sex is very easy, but finding a woman who will be his muse is very difficult.
Conclusion No. 1: even if a man hides in front of other men that he is a super lover, that he only needs sex, that he does not need any relationships, spiritual understanding and intimacy, then he is lying.
Conclusion No. 2: If a man asks you for sex on the first date, acknowledge his sexuality but don't agree (say there's "more to come"). Often a man's need for emotional intimacy, rather than sex, is not satisfied.
What is a serious relationship?
A serious relationship is when:
- there are plans for the future,
- a man shows what's going on inside him,
- the man sees himself in the future with you (thoughts about a future family, wedding, life together).
A man writes, calls - a woman is pleased with this, she wants it. Remember, it is very important for a man to understand your reaction to his activity. He can pretend that he doesn’t care - this is a lie. He really, really pays attention to your response.
That's why Recommendation for women: if you are busy with something, write “I’m at work now, I can’t talk” or “I’m stuck at work, I’ll call you later.” Those. if this man is important to you, at least somehow react to his activity, show that you care, you should.
Conclusion: if a man writes or calls, he is interested in you. If you answer calls, his activity will increase even more.
Always respond positively to a man's calls. You gain “points” in his eyes. If it is inconvenient for you to meet, for example, tonight, then tell him “I really want to see you, but this evening it may not be possible. It would be great to meet tomorrow."
A beloved woman gives a man a feeling of interest, need, opportunity, that they want to see him.
When a man disappears, what does it mean?
If a man disappears, especially if he disappears quietly, then in 70% of cases it can be fixed. There are 30% of cases when he believes that it is useless to deal with you, because it is impossible to do anything that he would like. In these 30% of cases you will need to do the following things:
- “Dear, Sergey. You disappeared, you don’t call, you don’t write. I hope nothing bad happened to you." Write “yes” that you are okay.”
- “If you don’t think you should communicate with me anymore, don’t answer my letter.”
Those. we attribute to his silence that he makes a break. If a man is simply quiet, busy with something else, he has doubts (but there is no clear decision to break off the relationship), then he will probably write the answer “Yes.”
A man runs away when he thinks he won't attract you. Those. he will not be able to give a woman the happiness and feelings that she expects from him. This is 30% of all cases of first acquaintances. Therefore, next I will tell you about the not cunning ones.
What to do?
When you text, SMS, social. networks.
- Stop torturing a man in detail about what’s going on with him and how. If he wants to tell, he will do it. You can ask how things are at work, how things are in general. Don't go any further! A man may grab his head and say, “She wants to take control of me!”
- Tell me something interesting about yourself, what happened to you: “I’m now walking along the embankment, I’ll go to the cinema in the evening.” The information must be positive.
- Suggestion from a woman: “It would be interesting to go to the cinema together.” Those. “throw away” the possibility of meeting a man (you don’t need to say directly “Let’s meet” - this is wrong).
Eventually the man sees that the woman is interested in him, that something interesting is happening in her life, she has interesting ideas, the woman would enjoy spending time together, but she does not demand or impose herself on the man.
A man should see that your life goes on without him and that it is interesting.
Talk on the phone, Skype. How to get a man to start calling you? How to communicate correctly?
- The conversation shouldn't be long. If a telephone conversation with a man lasts longer than 3-4 minutes, you should get a clear reaction from the man that he wants to continue communication.
- Ask how the man is doing. "Hello how are you? How are you? I wanted to hear your voice." If a man starts talking, listen. If he doesn’t tell, don’t interrogate the man.
- Next, tell us about yourself and what you did today. 1-2 minutes. If a man begins to show interest, tell him more.
- Then you can talk about your plans.
- At the end say “It was nice to hear from you. It’s great that we agreed.”
The basis for success in a conversation with a man is when you feel feedback from him.
When communicating with a man, it is not necessary to talk only about positive things. You can talk about your problems, focusing on the following: the man has nothing to do with it + you are not acting as a victim.
If a man is bored, if it’s always the same in a relationship. For example, there is always the same scenario: sit in a cafe, go on a visit, sit in front of the TV - and so on every day. There should be some varied/interesting events - you will not be boring, you will be the one who invigorates him, makes him feel alive.
How to turn rare, spontaneous meetings into a serious relationship?
Even if you have rare meetings with a man, each of these meetings should take place on energetic level To make a man attracted to you, get him hooked on this “drug.” You can read more about At a meeting, behave actively, energetically, interest the man.
Those. What matters here is your condition + you are not trying to delay it. “If you want to go, go, I’ll do this and that now...”, “If you can’t come, don’t come, I’ll do this and that...”.
Conclusion: let the man see in you: energy, elusiveness, that you live a rich life. Let him feel that he can lose such a woman.
When does a serious relationship happen?
Episodic relationships develop into serious ones, when a man begins to think that his life will become better with you. That you are not the one who will hang on him or tell him “You owe me...”.
How can a woman be such that a man wants to be next to her, wants to go further in life together? And not just to date, but so that you become his soul mate?
Let the man see that it will be better with you than without you. What will happen to you mentally, comfortably, coolly. And such relationships will lead to success at work, peace of mind (ie, socially and personally).
What do men think about on a date with a woman:
- Finance. How will the appearance of a woman in his life affect his financial situation? Let the man see that you are ready to mentally support him in his work, even if you don’t understand it.
- Let the man see that you are glad that he appeared in your life, you feel great with him.
- A man sees how cool you are, you bring peace of mind and peace.
Interpersonal relationships between women and men are formed gradually. This process is extended over time and has several stages. Haste and too rapid rapprochement often lead to hasty, rash decisions and erroneous judgments regarding each other. Not all people’s degrees of relationship development occur synchronously, because it takes a lot of time to form an alliance. It takes at least seven years for a finally established relationship.
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Start of a relationship
The initial stage of relationship development is search. It is characterized by the selection of necessary qualities in representatives of the opposite sex. The search occurs in a categorical form and people come to lightning-fast conclusions.
They do not give a chance for rapprochement and more time to get to know the person better. The most common decisions look like: “this is my type” or “he (she) is not suitable for me. Instead of paying attention to positive qualities, young people focus on shortcomings and miss the chance to create a harmonious couple.
But a hasty decision does not give a good result. Physiology is responsible for attraction, the rapid development of the union, which is not supported by time, and the euphoria caused by physical attraction does not go through the necessary stages and falls apart with painful sensations.
A fast stage is considered to be a situation when a couple goes from falling in love to marriage. This development of events has its pros and cons:
- It is considered an advantageunexpected development of relationships. A spark is felt between partners, young people are overcome with strong emotions. They are comfortable and good together, and separation is very difficult. When they are in this state, they come to a hasty decision to get married.
- The downside is the rapid disappointment in each other and the discovered incompatibility, which does not allow building a long-term relationship. Such a marriage lasts a short time and ends in a stormy showdown and one’s own misunderstanding of one’s own actions.
When a couple is overwhelmed by a strong feeling, one should not make rash decisions and immediately enter into marriage. Going through the stages of a relationship is important for a harmonious and strong union. People need to test their feelings over time and be in difficult situations to understand whether they can interact as a couple and support each other.
Stages of development
Relationships between a woman and a man develop gradually, going through three main stages. These stages are responsible for bringing people together, each of them is important in its own way. Systematic and synchronous development plays a significant role and lays the foundation for future relationships.
The stages of development of interpersonal relationships are divided into three periods:
- First stage: uncertainty. A man and a woman are just starting to date. The lives of young people touch only superficially and they are still establishing contact with each other.
- Second stage: rapprochement. Personal space is reduced, and participation in the partner’s life increases significantly. Lovers spend a lot of time together, but they still have enough time for personal matters.
- Stage three: falling in love. During this period, a man and a woman accept mutual obligations. They become close emotionally and physically, but even at this stage they still have time for themselves and their interests.
The mistake many people make is to misunderstand the love partnership between a man and a woman. They are sure that an ideal relationship means complete fusion and one life for two. But in a harmonious and strong couple there is time and place for personal interests and affairs. Mature and self-sufficient people need periodic solitude and do not see anything bad in this for close relationships.
Development by months
After meeting, lovers begin to go through the gradual development of a love relationship. They have three options for the development of events:
- they fall deeper in love or break up;
- get married and live together for many years;
- get married and divorced.
Regardless of the plot, the following stages of relationships await everyone:
| Stages by month | Development of a relationship |
| The first three months | The period of falling in love. When young people already feel attracted, but don’t meet often yet. In each other's company, interest increases, as does the desire to see each other more often. If an emotionally close relationship has been established between a girl and a guy during this period, then the guy begins to rush things and, with the girl’s consent, they move on to sexual relations. Although the man is already seriously interested, he is not yet ready to commit himself and is not making plans |
| Four to six months | This may be a stage of established emotional relationships and more frequent meetings. The question of fidelity, mutual obligations and the desire not to separate arises. There may also be a breakup phase. The guy turns out to be not ready for a serious relationship, but the girl is very serious. If she begins to make possessive claims, the man leaves the commitment and the couple breaks up |
| Seven to nine months | At this stage, the final recognition of mutual obligations occurs. Young people are ready to make a decision about living together or getting married. If this does not happen, pressure and tension are felt in the couple. If there is no shift towards living together, the partners may separate |
| Ten to twelve months | There are three options for the development of events:
|
At the beginning of the development of a relationship, lovers do not notice each other’s shortcomings, idealize the image of their partner and experience an emotional upsurge.
Periods by year
The psychology of personal relationships distinguishes several stages of development. Each of them has a certain duration and it happens that a couple misses some of them, is ahead of time or marks time. You can divide relationships into stages, which will be determined by the years lived together:
| Stages by year | Development of relations during this period | Psychologist's advice |
| Stage of falling in love | This phase lasts from several months to a year. It is called the romantic or “candy-bouquet” period. The brain produces hormones responsible for joy and affection, blocks negative emotions | You should not give this stage more time allotted by nature, even if you want to prolong the euphoria |
| Satiation | This period lasts 1 - 1.5 years. Young people gradually notice more and more shortcomings, romance disappears and gives way to a strong love affair. It is formed from the frequent presence of a loved one | It is necessary to maintain distance and accept the shortcomings of a loved one, as this is part of his character |
| Rejection | It begins when a person doubts the correctness of his choice. The duration of the stage is different for each couple and it has two development paths:
This phase is characterized by a large number of breakups | To prevent a final break from happening, patience and endurance are required. Over time, young people will adapt to their partner’s habits |
| Adoption | The stage at which patience for the partner’s shortcomings is formed. Lasts up to three years. Relationships become mundane, giving way to practicality and stability. Some people have children, women devote a lot of time to them and relegate their husband to the background. At this time, the first serious problems appear in the couple:
| It is necessary to deal with problems peacefully or prevent such situations, try to find compromises and put yourself in the place of your partner |
| Service and duty | This stage of the relationship brings the couple closer to a deep feeling of love. It lasts differently for everyone and takes years. People do nice things for each other and don't expect gratitude. Partners surprise with gifts and surprises | It is the sincere desire to please a loved one that fuels feelings and does not allow the fire of love to go out. |
| Friendship and respect | Lasts 3-5 years. People try to please each other, are afraid of accidentally offending and do not want to quarrel. Trust was formed between them and they learned to support their other half. The partners have already gone through many trials and formed a strong alliance | This time-tested stage shows lovers that they can continue to please and support each other. To save a relationship, it is enough to continue to show care and be honest with your partner |
| deep love | The final phase of a mature relationship, occurring after 5 years of relationship. The lovers became truly family and friends. Their feelings are time-tested and have the highest value. Spending time together brings them happiness. In their life partner they found: a friend, lover and comrade in arms. They are like one whole unit, connected by joint desires and feelings | We must value each other and take care of the feeling, and not commit rash acts that can destroy even the strongest love. |
Psychologists advise remembering that the feeling does not come immediately. A guy and a girl must work on their relationship so that love does not fade away for many years.