Become a father to a manmeans not only to fulfill its biological function. Parenthood is a continuation of the family and an indicator of male solvency. Children strengthen relationships and provide an incentive to achieve.
But there are situations when the wife categorically refuses to have children now or in the near future. And all dreams of happy fatherhood are going to hell!
Let's figure out why a married woman refuses motherhood and how to resolve the situation.
5 reasons why women don't want children
If a woman is all right from a biological point of view, then there are psychological reasons behind the refusal to give birth to a child.
1. Uncertainty about the future. Financial problems in the family, unstable social situation. The scale is not important.
A woman responsible for the life that she will give to another little man will never agree to this if there is uncertainty in the “stone wall” or fear.
An important nuance: we are not talking about situations where a woman is left alone and chooses: to give birth or not to give birth. These are completely different criteria for selection and decisions.
We are talking exclusively about the case when a woman refuses, being married and "as if" in a happy family relationship.
The solution to this problem depends entirely on the couple themselves.
If he, as a man, does not give his woman a sense of security, then you need to work on your masculinity, and here the question is more in the inner than in the material.
If she, as a woman, does not feel comfortable and calm with her man - a reason to think, because she chose him herself.
Firstly, it definitely has, and secondly, it is the woman who gives the man a reason to show masculinity.
2. Negative experience in the life of any of us, a cruise liner slows down like an anchor: pick up speed as much as you like, but still catch on to something and stop.
If in the first marriage the husband left a woman with a child, she will have such an anchor: "children = severity = problems."
A separate topic is fear after an interrupted pregnancy or a difficult birth. These are no longer anchors, but real psychological traumas with acute mental pain and they need to be worked out with a specialist.
3. Lack of trust in marriage. The wife does not want a child, because she is completely, which means she is not sure of him as a man.
This includes fears of crises in the first years of life with a child, helplessness or betrayal.
Does a woman have a real reason to think so? Only when the husband regularly promises and does not do, dreams a lot and acts little, or is constantly busy at the moment when the wife needs male help.
4. Fear of change. After childbirth, a woman not only changes her body, but her whole life.
You can’t fully prepare for this even in courses for future parents. Therefore, it always takes time for adaptation reserves to turn on. Some women have more strength for this, others have less - individual.
There are several options here: either cross the fears of parenthood together, or settle as a childfree. The only question is whether it will suit both spouses.
5. Career comes first. Very often, a wife does not want children because she simply does not have the time and desire to give up career self-affirmation.
Yes, she can love her job so much, but on the other hand, a reason for a man to think about why she is forced to think about work, and not about her family, or why she loves work more than her husband.
We return to the first point: if a man cannot support a family, a woman is not sure about the future and does not want to have a baby.
We won't delve into why the couple had these problems. The fact remains that the wife does not want children.
And here a man needs to remember a few important topics that should be discussed before getting married:
- views on family and parenthood -;
- views on the distribution of roles in marriage;
- personal experience and relationships with parents.
Many divorces are explained by simple “they didn’t agree on the characters”, in fact, this is an elementary inability of people to adequately speak and listen to each other before they put it.
And if a divorce does not occur, children in such families grow up in complete discord, because mom and dad are strangers.
outside pressure
Women are influenced by many social factors. From childhood, they instill the idea that happiness lies in a large family. To some extent, yes, for many it is one of the elements of happiness.
And the fairy tales end with the princess marrying the prince, they had many children, and everyone was happy. Only in reality the picture is slightly different (read above).
When a girl grows up, everyone around her sharply becomes “concerned” with only one question: “When will you get married?”, “” and so on.
It is rare that someone asks a woman what she herself wants, until she declares this to annoying well-wishers.
Yes, we do not live in the Middle Ages and girls have millions of opportunities and choices. Including: the ability to decide whether she wants to have children or not.
The childfree movement, by the way, is gaining momentum very actively also due to the fact that marriage and motherhood are the result of both love and pressure:
"When you give birth to my grandchildren" mom cries.
"I need an heir" - presses the husband.
“After 30, giving birth is very difficult,” - friends are visiting.
"Children- these are the flowers of life, ”from each“ iron ”.
The desire to have a child can often be dictated from outside. And from the inside, a woman is simply eaten by panic fear: from banal everyday problems to the uncertainty that she will be able to grow and.
And what if she simply does not want to change something. Egoism, too, has not been canceled.
Ways of retreat?
If we consider the possibilities, the man is more likely to move away from the child: career, affairs, meetings. The final exit is treason, divorce or leaving the family for various reasons, objective and not so.
There are many examples when a man leaves a woman in the first year of a child's life. In most cases, a woman is much more attached to a child from the moment of birth.
The heroine of the novel, Elizabeth Gilbert, was right in many respects: “Having a child is like getting a tattoo on your forehead: in order to decide on this, you must know for sure that you want it.”
If a man's desire to have children is unshakable, he loves his wife and is sure that. Roughly speaking, it means it is worth working out the relationship.
No need to convince and persuade a woman, she needs to literally show that she is safe, loved, cared for and she has nothing to fear. It takes quite a bit of effort to do this.
Invest in relationships
First you need to listen and hear your partner. We need to find out the real reason why a woman does not want to have children.
These may be completely unfounded fears. But what if a woman does not want to sacrifice: her comfort, her body, her time?
It is already more difficult here, because in a harmonious and mature relationship, partners literally agree with their indefatigable ego in favor of each other.
This is the moment in which they first think about the other, and then about themselves. And, but simply because a partner, his desires, opinions are never forgotten, especially if the latter coincide.
You need to invest equally in relationships. If the balance is disturbed, the family gradually breaks up. Another big question is that the desire to have a child arises in a harmonious couple by itself.
Children are not only continuous "mimimi".
Talk about what each of you will conditionally “sacrifice” if a child appears or does not appear in the family, how your life will change after that, discuss your views on with your wife.
With all this information, it will be easier for a woman to trust and decide on a responsible step.
Don't press
If you go too far, she will simply give up the dream of a happy family life with a bunch of kids. Every person has the right to self-determination.
The fact that you are together does not mean at all that she must meekly perform. Respect for the desires of a partner for personal space has not been canceled either.
And let's be honest...
Men don't give birth. Pregnancy is not only a joyful state, but also frequent urination at the most inopportune moments, toxicosis, compulsive overeating or a complete lack of appetite. And many, many things.
The male body does not go through hormonal storms and adjustments, it does not need to collect itself piece by piece after childbirth.
But at the same time, the birth of a new life is a real miracle. And the best way to convince your wife to give birth is to overcome together a new stage in your life.
Ksenia Litvin,
psychologist Growth phase
Boys play with cars, girls play as daughters-mothers, and when they grow up, they acquire what they dreamed about in childhood. The French say that the first child is the last doll. But what if you've never been interested in dolls?
You, like boys, played with cars. Or instead of baby dolls, you had Barbie beauties who clean feathers in deck chairs and have fun at parties, but do not feed a screaming child at all and do not change his diapers. The value of role-playing games cannot be underestimated. With their help, we master the world, fitting ourselves into it. If the desire to try on the role of a mother did not arise at the age of five, is it any wonder that it does not come even at thirty?
Wanting a child is natural. This is how nature intended. But it's okay not to want a baby. After all, we are not only natural beings, but also social ones. Above the basic instincts - self-preservation or procreation - we have so much stuff on top that sometimes they are unable to reach out to consciousness. You build a life, and the result completely satisfies you. There is no feeling that someone or something is missing in it. And since everything is there, why change something? You never know where these changes will lead you. Will it suddenly get worse? And is it possible to want something that you have never tried? Sea urchin caviar, for example. You haven’t eaten it before, so you don’t feel longing for it. You didn’t try on the role of mother either - you didn’t play with dolls, didn’t sit with your younger brothers and sisters, didn’t babysit your nephews, so you can’t know for sure whether it’s yours or not. By the way, the Chinese, in order to reduce the birth rate, obliged their citizens to have only one child, after 20-30 years they were faced with the fact that these only children who grew up without brothers and sisters do not want their own babies at all. Because they had no experience of caring for a baby in the parental family.
contraceptive setting
Appetite, as you know, comes with eating. And the need for motherhood too. Previously, nature did not need to enlist our desire to have a child. Because if we choose the right moment, we can last up to a hundred years. And it doesn't work for her! That's why instincts make us want not so much children as sex. After all, before, if there was a pregnancy, there was no longer much choice - to give birth or not to give birth.
With the advent of contraceptives, systemic failures occurred in this scheme. The initiative has passed to us. We are free to choose the perfect time, to wait for the desire to have a child to come. But the trouble is that desire does not come to everyone and the moment is not always right. In addition, if you protect yourself from pregnancy all your conscious life, its denial takes root in the subconscious deeper than you can imagine. There is a persistent contraceptive attitude, erasing the desire to become a mother. You listen to yourself, but you don’t feel any need for a child and decide that you are not yet ripe for this. And time is running out.
“I think that if a woman doesn’t want a child by 30, then most likely she won’t want one,” Anyuta says. - The farther, the less you want, because with age the character loses its elasticity. You become less patient, you get used to freedom. If you don't want to, maybe you don't have to. Not everyone can be moms! But if the question of why there is no such desire does not give rest, then there is still a need for a baby. Even if at the level of feeling that without children, it may be easier, but not quite right. It's good that it came to me in time. I gave birth to a child without the call of instinct, at my own peril and risk. Partly for show, to “shoot back”, and partly out of curiosity, to see what happens from my husband and I genetic mixture. I was not torn apart by maternal hunger, but I do not regret at all that I did not wait until I want to become a mother. The instinct never awakened. A sense of duty and conscious love has awakened, which arises after you recognize a person and put strength into him. You can madly want children, but be a bad mother. Or vice versa."
MEMORY GIRL
The desire to have children visits any of us at the end of puberty. But it is so instinctive that it is quickly forgotten if it is not realized. And by 25, you already believe that you “never wanted a child.”
nature trap
One of my acquaintances unexpectedly experienced an acute need to become a mother after practice in the orphanage. I fell, as psychologists say, into the prolactin trap. Prolactin is a pituitary hormone that awakens the parental instinct. This is a time bomb laid by nature under the foundation of indifference to the children's theme. As long as you keep a safe distance from shopping for new mothers, parks where they walk with strollers, sandboxes and playgrounds, prolactin does not remind you of anything. Because there is no reason! But one has only to press a warm, sleepy, pink, smelling of milk and baby powder baby (one's own or someone else's) to the chest, as the mother's hormone begins to be intensively produced in the body, stunned by surprise. Sometimes in such quantity that nulliparous girls even have milk! For some, it’s enough just to wander into the department where they sell rompers and undershirts for this biological timer to work.
But the most powerful release of prolactin occurs during pregnancy and especially during childbirth. That is why surrogate mothers, who have agreed to be incubators for someone else's baby, suddenly become imbued with irrational love for him. And for no amount of millions do they agree to give the child they initially did not want to biological parents. And for those, too, the parental hormone is raging with might and main, while they watch the surrogate mother and inflame themselves with preparations for the birth of the crumbs. Do you want to want a baby? Get close to the pregnant woman!
“Girlfriends, as if by agreement, go pregnant,” says 27-year-old Albina. - There are five of them! Maybe this is a herd feeling, but even I, who did not plan anything like this, suddenly wanted to join their company. I looked at the rounded tummies, walked with each of them around the Children's World and realized that I wanted the same thing. And before there was no such desire. Honestly!"
Coincidence
People sometimes don't want to have children because for some reason they can't. They inspire themselves with this reluctance, because not wanting is still better than not being able. The most obvious is physical incapacity. A friend tells everyone that she doesn’t want to “get involved with this.” And then it suddenly turns out that she, it turns out, has been treated for infertility for more than a year. There is no result, so she convinces herself and others that it didn’t hurt, and it was necessary. It’s easier without a child: you don’t have to go on maternity leave, drop out of life, the figure will not float. So that's great!
Someone understands that they will not pull the child financially. They just want children ... But they consider themselves unworthy ("with such and such a salary!") To become parents. And postpone the birth of a child until later. And when they achieve career success and financial well-being, they simply burn out, losing their craving for motherhood. Thirty-year-old anhedonia — a loss of interest in everything that is really worth living for — is a common phenomenon, especially in big cities. You just need to shake it up. To have a break. Remember why all these races with obstacles up the career ladder were started. Consider the design of the nursery, choose wallpaper for it, look after the crib. Any step in this direction is a way to awaken the instincts you have suppressed.
Some anxious and suspicious persons start to panic at the mere thought of children. The child will be completely dependent on me. What if I do something wrong and he gets sick? If I drop it, will he break something?
Or maybe you don't want a baby because the wrong man is next to you. You don’t admit it to yourself, but you feel with your spinal cord that the appearance of a third person will not strengthen your union, but, on the contrary, will only complicate everything. “As I understand now, at one time I didn’t want children, because I didn’t trust my husband and was ashamed of the hypothetical fate of a single mother in advance,” recalls Stasya. “For the most part, I was right. Although after a conversation with a psychologist (“since he brought you here, it means it’s important for him”), she decided. And the husband ran away as soon as the baby's teeth began to cut: children's cries prevented him from sleeping. And when I met my man, the desire to give birth arose almost immediately. I took this feeling as a guarantee that everything will be fine with us. And I was not mistaken!
NO HORMONES
Prolactin has antipodal hormones - adrenaline, cortisol and testosterone. They keep you constantly ready to fight, give strength and courage ... But they reduce femininity. The adrenal glands of zealous careerists constantly release these “no-hormones” into the bloodstream. So if you're worried about the lack of basic instinct, stop. Sadly, but a break in the career race will have to be done. At least not for long.
I don't want to be like mom!
If you didn’t have a relationship with your mother, then not wanting to have a child is a continuation of the child’s rebellion: “I don’t want to be like her!” Psychologists call this a violation of parental self-identification. It can also relate to the relationship with the father: he left the family, left you, little one, it hurt, and you don’t want your baby to experience the same pain. But in fact, more than anything in the world, you need to go through this path again with your child, rewriting your own childhood along the way, correcting in it what hurt you so much and still haunts you.
“I’m soon 27, married for 7 years, no children, because in all this time we have never tried to start them,” says Natasha. We protect ourselves like spies. We both can't stand these little, screaming, always demanding creatures. I want to live for my own pleasure, not everyone has children, there are so many interesting things in life ... Take my mother. She was a promising pianist, but she gave birth to me, putting an end to her musical career. So what? Dad left when I was not yet a year old. Mom started all over again with another man. But without children. Even without me. I grew up with my grandparents, I saw my mother only on Saturdays. Once a month. So why did she give birth to me? As a child, I was terribly worried that she was not around, I felt that I was preventing her from enjoying life, that I was not worthy of her love. And I'm not going to repeat her mistakes. And to friends who stutter about children, I always answer: “You need it - you give birth, but leave us alone! We do not like children and we are not going to cripple them with our dislike!
Behind the facade of the child-free slogan, there is always some kind of story. People do not want to transmit their childhood pain to generations. You can't do without a psychologist! As, however, in most cases, when the parental instinct refuses to remind of itself.
Wanting children is the norm of life, the idea of \u200b\u200bnature. But gradually you get used to your unwillingness - and it’s already somehow embarrassing to refuse it, to awaken parental feelings in yourself: you will have to explain to everyone around why you didn’t want to, but gave birth. So don't back yourself into a corner! From love to hate, as you know, one step. And from the reluctance to have a child to the desire to give birth to him at all costs - too. You will see!
SLAVIC CROSS
In the era of perestroika, no one wanted to have children - it was just scary: criminal lawlessness, total shortages (diapers and milk disappeared from stores, and the most necessary medicines from maternity hospitals), the sexual revolution and mass unemployment. Under such conditions, the instinct of self-preservation prevailed over the instinct of procreation. Workaholism was considered the main virtue, and it completely ousted all thoughts of children and maternity leave from the brains. As a result, in 1991 we received a "Slavic cross": the birth rate curve intersected with the death rate curve and continued to fall. The current 20-year-olds are just those who, in spite of everything, managed to be born at the intersection of the “cross”. It is clear that for many of them maternal instinct is not so unconditional phenomenon.
Irina Kovaleva
TAMARA SCHLESINGER
Popular
Each person is free to choose how he should live. Some people cannot take care of themselves on their own, while others cope with this task. The pressure of the society in which people live is felt by every person. Sometimes it can be difficult to follow your dream if it is not shared by your friends and relatives. For example, a girl consciously does not want to have a child. Do you think this is unnatural? Let's see why a woman does not want children.
Desire to give birth
Why do people condemn ladies who do not want to continue their race? Historically, nature has endowed a woman with the ability to continue the human race. Why does a woman want to have a baby? To leave your mark on the earth, leave a piece of yourself and continue your undertaking in children. It just so happened that it is thanks to women that humanity develops and progresses. Humans are an important part of evolution. Every famous writer, scientist, philosopher or engineer has had a mother. Men have ruled society for centuries. But they worshiped women and idolized them. All people understand that if women refuse to give birth, humanity will die out.
Why does a woman want to have a baby? Is it only instinct that pushes her to conceive? No. Any lady needs warmth, affection and protection. All this can be given to a woman by a man. But keeping a strong and attractive representative of the opposite sex next to you can be difficult. Therefore, women give birth to a defenseless child who needs to be looked after and educated. Thus, a man has a responsibility not only to his wife, but also to the heir. But it also happens that the family already has a baby. Why does a woman want a second? A child is happiness, a ray of light, joy and hope, it is a part of yourself. In addition, as you know, if there is one baby in the family, he most often grows up as an egoist. Many mothers simply do not want this. It’s more fun together, and who will help you in difficult times, if not a brother or sister. The larger the genus, the better.
Why do men want children from a woman? Any guy wants to continue his family. It is inherent in it by nature. Moreover, loyalty to his chosen one is not a priority. If we recall the recent past, we can understand that men impregnated many women. Education for the stronger sex is not considered a priority. They want to pass on their genotype to a larger number of heirs in order to be sure that the genus will not die out. Why do men want children from a woman? Children are the product of love. In our time, a family in which there are no children is considered inferior. Society insists that men have children, raise them and be role models for the younger generation.
Desire to succeed in a career
Why does a woman not want children? But, despite the call of nature, with the advent of contraception, the situation in the world has changed. Women got rights and began to compete with men. Now the ladies have all the privileges that were previously inaccessible to the fairer sex. Many women have the opportunity to realize themselves. The instinct that makes a woman become a mother remains. Women want sex. Contraception allows a girl to enjoy the process and not think about the consequences. A lady may not have children if she has such a desire.
Why don't women want children now? Many ladies want to realize their potential. They are building a career. Women study, then start working and gradually climb the career ladder. A child for a lady who wants to achieve something in life is a burden. Family and children take up a lot of time that can be spent on their development. And in their free hours, women relax. Living in a frantic rhythm, a woman does not find time to change diapers and raise a child. Smart young ladies understand that a child is a big responsibility. It's not enough to just give birth. The child needs to be brought up and made a worthy member of society. And this takes a lot of time and effort. It is difficult to be torn between work and a child. Some area of life in any case will be left without attention. Therefore, girls make a conscious choice and give themselves to a career.
Unhappy childhood
You can understand ladies who do not want a child and change a happy family for a career. But in our world there are many girls who do not want to achieve great heights at work. Why does a woman not want children if she does not seek to make a career? An unhappy childhood can cause a woman to consciously refuse to become a mother. If the girl was unhappy at a young age, and the reason for this is a bad mother or a bad father, then growing up, the lady understands that she does not want her child to repeat her fate. Only those people who have seen a good example of how to do this can easily build a happy and fulfilling family. Children who grew up in single-parent families or in an orphanage have no idea what it is like to live in a happy family. Each person is accustomed to assessing situations only from his own position. By her own example, the lady could see that families are not always happy. For this reason, some women do not want to have children. Why doesn’t the lady think that it is possible to raise a healthy and happy baby by eliminating and removing from his life all the mistakes that her parents made? A good example, like a bad one, is always contagious. Script theory says that children repeat the script of their parents. This is elementary psychology. A child from an inferior family will be able to raise a normal member of society only through titanic work on himself. Theory and practice are not the same thing. Not all people are ready to learn how to raise children, and this is their full right.
Desire to live for yourself
To create a happy and full-fledged family, you need to be mentally prepared for this serious step. There is nothing surprising in the fact that a twenty-year-old girl does not want to have children. She didn't walk around. She wants a holiday and wild fun. Parties, new acquaintances, stormy romances and travels - that's what occupies the mind of a young lady. Children do not fit into the picture of her world. A child is a responsibility, and not every adult woman is ready to take it upon herself. What can we say about the young lady. It should be understood that the maternal instinct comes to every person in due time. Yes, like appetite, it may well come in time. But what should a young lady do if he does not come to her, and the child has already appeared? Early children are rarely happy. Young mothers do not pay due attention to them. They spend their free time meeting friends and going to parties. The child sits with grandmothers.
You shouldn't judge people. The woman does not want children? And why should she have a child if she does not have such a desire? Each person chooses his own destiny. A lady who wants to see the world, walk up and know all the delights of life has the right to do so. When the girl is ready, she may have a desire to procreate. But if it is not there yet, do not reproach her. You need to be ready for the birth of a child not only physically, but also mentally.
Coincidence
Today, many women do not want children. Some condemn such persons. But you can not condemn a person if you do not know the true reasons for such behavior. Why don't all women want pregnancy? Some are physically unable to have children. Admitting your imperfections can be very difficult. Strong personalities get the job done. They accept themselves for who they are, and try to turn their shortcomings into virtues. When a woman comes to terms with the idea that she cannot have children, she begins to think a little differently. The lady assures herself that if nature has not endowed her with the ability to give birth, then she has endowed her with something else. Such women convince themselves, and then everyone around them, that they do not want children. It is much easier to tell annoying acquaintances that there is no desire to give birth than to explain to them that nature did not give such an opportunity. It is easier for a woman to endure looks of bewilderment than sympathy. Nobody wants to feel inferior.
Failed pregnancy
Life is a complex thing, and every person faces many trials. Some make it through, others break. Nature does not give children to everyone. She grants a child to those who can cope with the difficult task of motherhood, or to those who need to experience the birth of a child in their lives. Why does a woman not want children? Nature can play a cruel joke with a girl. For example, to give a child, but during pregnancy to take away a child. A miscarriage, a frozen pregnancy or - all this leads a woman to depression. The lady will be the more worried, the more she wanted the baby. The shock of losing a child can be forever. Having tried once and making sure that fate does not want to give a child, a woman can give up trying. To convince such a person that you should try again is stupid. Only after experiencing a difficult situation on your own, you can judge others. A woman can cope with one miscarriage, but she simply will not survive the second. Realizing this, she deliberately refuses children. She loses all desire to try. It is impossible to say that a person is broken. To understand a woman who has gone through hell, only one who has gone through it himself can understand.
Difficult life period
Can't understand why women have children? Think about the fact that a person could get into a difficult life situation. A girl who has just experienced the loss of her parents, being fired, or has changed her place of residence is upset. A person who has lost his footing cannot recover quickly. It takes time to come to your senses and understand how to live on. Children change lives a lot, and every girl understands this. A child should be born when a person is confident in the future. If there is no such assurance, it must be obtained. Life is not so easy to establish, so time must pass. Any woman during her life revises her values several times and rearranges her priorities. If she does not want children today, this does not mean that she will not want to become a mother in a year or in 5 years.
A woman who does not have financial stability can have a difficult life situation. A lady who earns little and who cannot rely on the support of her parents and husband will think twice about conceiving a child. Children are the flowers of life that require large financial investments. It is foolish to think that if fate gave a child, she will give him the opportunity to raise him. If this were so, then there would be no orphanages in our country.
Fear
It is human nature to be afraid of something new. Changing a life is hard. Not everyone can change the existing way of things, rearrange the usual schedule and find the strength in themselves to go into a hermitage for three years. Why does a woman not want children? Psychologists say that many ladies do not want a child for the reason that they are afraid of becoming bad mothers. Many books, films and life stories tell about how women failed in their upbringing. The fact that many teenagers become drug addicts, commit suicide, or become gangsters after getting involved with bad company, confirms this. Education is a complex process. You need to be mentally prepared for it. Any woman needs time to understand the issue of education, to understand what can be done and what should be avoided. Some girls don't want to take responsibility. And they can be understood. Persons who at the age of 30 live with their parents and have never tried to live separately have not seen life. They do not understand how to manage the household, how to organize the life of the family, and do not believe that they will succeed. Fear must be fought. But not all people are ready to work on themselves and get out of their comfort zone.
The right person is not around
Children should grow up in a family. Any sane girl understands this. Children will be happy only if they have a loving father and mother. If one of the family members rarely appears in the child's life, on weekends, then it will be difficult to instill in the child a normal understanding of the classical life of a full-fledged family.
Why is the woman not and the children? A girl who is unsure of her life partner or who has not yet found the right person will wish to remain childless. Nature has instilled a maternal instinct in women. But he wakes up only when a woman believes that she can bear and raise a child. If there is no such confidence, she will not think about children. For this reason, many couples live exclusively for each other for a long time. A woman first wants to test her partner for loyalty and moral endurance. Only being sure that the husband will raise offspring, bring money to the house and raise children, the lady will think about conceiving heirs.
Reluctance to have a second child
Previously, all families had large families. Exceptions to this rule were rare. But today the situation has changed. With the development of contraception, women were able to regulate their births. In our country it is difficult to meet large families. They are considered very rare. But families in which one child grows up are common. Even despite the additional stimulation from the state, the fair sex does not want to have a large family. Why does a woman not want a second child? Everyone's reasons are different. Someone is afraid that they will not have enough money. Families with an average income want their child to be able to get everything they want. Toys, mugs, sections and clothes cost a lot, and parents cannot afford to spend more than they receive.
Why don't women want many children? The reason may be not only in money, but also in free time. Ladies who want to realize themselves do not want to spend time raising children. It seems to them that, having given birth to one child, they have completely fulfilled their mission. The child has grown up, and now they have the opportunity to engage in their own development.
What other reasons are there? Why does a woman not want a second child? Ladies are afraid that the second child will spoil the figure or health. Those who experienced a difficult first birth do not want to go through this hell a second time.
Man wants kids, woman doesn't
The modern world is very different from the one that was 100 years ago. Today, one can count on one hand the countries in which women sit at home and run the household. In most cases, the girl works to support herself and her family. Therefore, it is not surprising that priorities have changed. Today, it is not uncommon to find a couple in which a male representative wants children, but his chosen one does not. Why does a man want a child from a certain woman? Nature is doing its job. Men want to pass on their genotype. They choose the woman who, in their opinion, will become a good mother and be able to raise a child. You can talk a lot about love, but still, instincts control the human brain, and it is difficult to get rid of them. What about a family in which the woman does not want a child, and the husband longs for an heir? There are many development scenarios. A man can give his chosen one time to fulfill her career and then find a place for a child in her busy schedule. You can change the candidate and find one whose interests will be more in line with men's. Or you can talk to a woman and explain to her all the benefits of motherhood.
The man does not want children
Not always the initiator of childlessness is a woman. There are representatives of the stronger sex who do not want to acquire heirs. What is their motivation? Guys who don't earn much realize that they can hardly support two people now. A child is an expensive pleasure. Beautiful phrases that only parental love is enough for kids are fairy tales. Children need clothes and food, entertainment and toys, education, after all. All this costs money, and a lot of it.
Some males are infertile. Physiologically, they cannot conceive a child. This is their unwillingness to have children. They cannot do this and resign themselves to the idea that they can live happily without babies. Why do some women not want children? Ladies who love their man and are aware of his physiological shortcomings can sincerely believe that they do not need a child. Self-hypnosis does amazing things.
Guys who recently got married may not be in a rush to become fathers. They want to have time to see this world and realize themselves in a career. This desire is understandable. First, you should improve your life, get to know your beloved woman better and understand whether she should be trusted with bearing future heirs. The age at which the guy found a family also plays a role. If this happened at the age of 20, then you can safely postpone the birth of a child. Early marriages are rarely happy, and having a baby can only make matters worse.
Society pressure
Nowadays, a woman who does not have children after 30 years of age is under strong pressure from society. Her parents are outraged. They begin to put pressure on their daughter and say that if she does not get offspring in the near future, then she may not have a chance to do it at all. Such pressure comes not only from the older generation. Married girlfriends who already have children will insist that the lady hurry up. Why does a woman not want to have children? Some fundamentally want to go against the system. They are eager to stand out in some way. And childlessness gives them a chance to do it. A girl who was not lucky enough to meet a soul mate can become an embittered bitch. She will live for herself and take other people's husbands away. A lady can take revenge on her acquaintances, believing that fate simply ignores her, not giving her a chance to become happy. Such protests often come from those people who grew up unloved and did not get along very well with people in life. Such people always lacked something in life for happiness. Psychological problems deprive a woman of the opportunity to find her happiness. Going against the system, she feels her importance, and it seems to her that in this way she can prove something to someone.
More recently, it was simply unthinkable to say out loud that children and family are not the main purpose of a woman. But now some girls openly admit that they do not want to give birth. How to perceive such statements and how to resist the pressure of others if you consider yourself a childfree? The expert speaks.
Lucia Suleymanova, clinical psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences
Childfree is a person who has chosen the absence of children as a life principle. And this is not just the life position of a few "strange" people. If 30 years ago such girls would not have dared to tell the truth in a society that lives by different laws, today it has become possible. It must be borne in mind that they are not at all aggressive towards their opponents. Their position is quite calm: "We do not want to have children, but you can do as you like."
Of course, recently on the pages of social networks there are more and more battles between those who find their calling in motherhood and those who see themselves on the other side of the barricades. The reason for the fight is clear. I do not want to make any moral assessments, because they are inappropriate and it will be wrong. But, of course, in these kinds of situations, it is a conversation of people who speak different languages.
Nevertheless, you need to understand that not wanting to have children is normal. A person has the right to manage his life as he sees fit, as his interests and goals suggest him. Such people allowed themselves to speak the truth, honestly and responsibly. To admit that you do not want, are not able, are afraid, do not consider it important to have a child is, in a sense, courageous. It is important to understand that everyone decides this question for himself. But do not confuse the conscious decision to become a childfree and simply childlessness.
Why do people choose not to have children?
To understand why people make certain decisions that determine their whole life, you need to turn to the true values of a person. Of course, if this value is "sewn" inside you - a child, then if you do not realize yourself as a mother, you will experience, perhaps even suffer. Now imagine that you have completely different values. It happens because we are all very different. Refusal of the desire to have a child may be dictated by religious service, the desire to realize higher values: to help people, be a volunteer, do charity work or devote oneself to art, science, a career. That is, such a person will feel that he has a different mission, and the child is secondary to the main goal.
There are cases that illustrate "growth problems". Such people do not want to have children because they have not yet played enough, traveled enough, had fun, but with this light-hearted attitude to life, they turned out to be responsible enough to admit that giving birth “in company” with their peers is dishonest and wrong. For this type of people, everything can change. New life circumstances, a different job, a different environment, even a change in climate can awaken parental instincts.
It happens that children from large families become convinced childfree. I mean really large families, where, for example, ten children or more. It seems that they "worked out" their parental instincts in childhood. Another option is when the childfree position is used to cover up their own fears. Fear of getting pregnant, getting fat, suffering - in a word, risking yourself for another life. You have probably heard more than once how mothers say that they are ready to risk literally everything for the sake of their child. And they are ready to endure pain and inconvenience for the sake of a new life. So imagine that there are those who are not ready.
Of course, the reasons why a person becomes a childfree are always inside. But the diversity of opportunities that culture provides has also had an impact. Today, there are many more options for how to realize yourself. Women make a career, make serious decisions, manage large processes.
What to do if you do not want children, but others are putting pressure on you
First of all, I want to address those who put pressure on the childless. In Russia, this is not only mom, dad, beloved granny and best friend, but in general any person. Old acquaintances, classmates, colleagues - everyone believes that they have the right to ask if you have children. When they hear “no”, they always ask another question: “What do you think about it, time is running out?” To all these people, I want to say: the harder you push, the stronger the resistance will be. In fact, by talking about a child, you are cultivating the seeds of childfree.
If you are a “victim” of your relatives and you are bombarded with such talk at every family dinner, the worst thing you can do is show aggression. Excuses, anger will only give ground for discussion of this issue. Behind your back, all the sympathizers will sort out your supposed experiences and fears to the bone. So the first rule is not to get angry or make excuses.
As in any other good deed, the best improvisation is the one prepared in advance. And you have to be ready to defend. The first option is avoiding the answer. Think of any common phrases from those that are written in statuses in social networks and on T-shirts. For example: "Everything has its time", "I'm not ready yet."
The second option is the "top" position. This is a strong position. It suggests answers that clearly indicate that the situation is under your control. A phrase like “I haven’t been made an offer I can’t refuse yet” or any other that sounds confident will do.
Another, rather mild option is the “amortization” of the conflict. Don't argue, don't get angry, don't offer to those who will evoke a lively response. For example, the phrase "I decided to make a career first" will give rise to an argument that can easily last several hours. Start saying something neutral, quickly shifting the conversation to your interlocutors. Ask when they wanted a child, how they realized that this was their man, how they cope, in the end. In a word, remember that everyone loves to talk about themselves, and take advantage of this.
If we are talking about colleagues, former classmates, any unfamiliar people, you can use the tactics of "soft attack". But keep in mind that relations after this may cool somewhat. Answer the question about marriage and children honestly. And, without waiting for the next round, start your interrogation: “Is your husband handsome?”, “Does he earn a lot?”, “Does he help around the house?” In a word, let me understand that marriage itself is such an acquisition.
With colleagues for whom you have respect and whom you do not want to embarrass, you can act softer. Be sincere and compliment: "If I had your charm, I might already be married."
If heavy artillery in the form of the female half of relatives does not react in any way to your arguments and continues to go on the offensive, you can stop this enthusiasm with the help of fictitious phobias. Open the Internet and choose some prettier. For example, the fear of gaining weight or the fear of pregnancy and childbirth - tocophobia. If it comes to phobias, an important rule: as many incomprehensible words and unfamiliar text as possible. Your interlocutor should not have any chance to give advice or continue to carry on the conversation.
Another rather radical variant of behavior is to find fault with the word. "When are you going to have a baby?" - people around ask. “You can get a kitten,” you say and “jump” to something new. After a while, it will be embarrassing to return to the original topic of the conversation.
Well, don't forget about jokes - they work in many situations. Jokes should be a heap. Prepare them ahead of time. “I just know what contraception is!”, “I’m afraid the children will prevent me from going to the bar on Fridays.”
In general, the rules are as follows: treat the process as a game. Do it easily and with a good mood.
Why society seeks to convert childfree to their faith
Let's get back to values. Those who ask you about a child believe that a woman's calling is to give birth and raise a child. They really can't understand why you don't think so. Therefore, they explain this fact to themselves by some problems that, in their opinion, need to be addressed. About aggression: childfree is based on hedonism - pleasure as the goal of life. People who have come to this understanding of the world, as a rule, are harmonious and calm. Which, by the way, can not be said about some representatives of the clan "mommies". Please don't think that I am judging anyone. Just hormonally and physically raising a child is a completely different story. This is not a game of "what is good, what is bad." We are different. It is important to remember about mutual respect: in public places, in personal conversations, in any difficult situations. Today, childfree people easily express their beliefs. They are still condemned, but 30 years ago, even to say that you do not even think about a child was a problem.
Despite the fact that the happiness of motherhood is considered undeniable, it is still a very serious test. Pregnancy, difficult childbirth, and then the first years of the baby, when a woman literally cannot move away from him - such a prospect is so frightening for some that they decide not to have children at all. Such women call themselves childfree.
The reasons are different: a serious deterioration in well-being, the loss of a good figure, the possibility that the husband will fall out of love, and others. And someone is afraid of the severe pain associated with childbirth.
Negative Examples
Some women may be ready to endure pregnancy and childbirth, but they are terrified of what comes after that. Motherhood is not only an honorable duty, it is also hard work. Some do not really like children at all: noisy, capricious, they constantly require attention and care. In addition, you need to love your child, but what if it doesn’t work out? Some women look at someone else's example and doubt that they will succeed in being good mothers.
Wrong time
It happens that a woman wants to have a baby, but right now, as she believes, is not the right time. A difficult stage in a career, an apartment in a mortgage, not the best situation with a husband or completion of education - there can be many reasons.
It also happens that a woman does not seem to have any problems. It seems that she can endure childbirth, and has nothing against pregnancy, and strangers' children do not irritate her. And there seem to be no external difficulties that can be considered a worthy reason for a delay. But now I don't want to, that's all.
What to do if a woman does not want to have children
You should never put pressure on a woman, force her to have a child, and even more so, you should not blackmail and threaten if she does not want to have offspring yet. A woman is the mistress of her body, and it is up to her to decide whether to devote her life and whether to give her resources to the baby.
In the modern world, the process of growing up is slower than before. People feel much longer, and despite the fact that older than 24 in Russian maternity hospitals are recorded as "old-timers", this does not mean at all that after 24 the body is really too old for childbirth. Moreover, in Western countries, if a girl comes to give birth when she is not yet 28, she will be asked several times if she is sure, because she is still very young!
The most important thing is that a child should be desired, at whatever age this desire appears. Virtually no external circumstances will prevent a woman from giving birth to a child, if she really wants it, no matter at what time this desire comes to her.