"It's stupid to be around a man who is actually nice, but hurts you all the time." (with)
I have this letter:
Katya, hello.
I’ll immediately identify a topic that worries me: my man is corresponding with other women on dating sites and social networks. Not just like that, not for the sake of communication, but for the sake of, let's say, unbridled flirting with the continuation.
Many times I caught him in far from innocent correspondence with girls - online and on the phone. In a completely innocent correspondence. A couple of times I practically caught on the way out to meet these girls. Scandals, checks, attempts to talk about what is missing, why he does it - it's useless. It's been that way for almost a year now. He promises not to write, and then he thinks that I won’t find the smartest one, and writes again. We live together, sex is normal, 3 times a week (I'm 31, he's 38). What does he lack?
We decided to leave, but I keep thinking, maybe I'm a fool and exaggerate everything. Although it seems to me that I justify him and he just doesn't give a damn about me.
I feel like the last idiot, and I am very ashamed to be in such a situation. It hurts, and it's kind of stupid.
We met a little over a year ago. He did not show much initiative, but I liked him, and usually if I set myself some kind of goal, I try to reach it and most often I come. So here - I decided (I will call a spade a spade) that I need a family life (before that I lived alone for a long time, worked a lot), and here he is, a potential prince. Well, I lured him :) In general, we came together.
I completely sincerely fascinated him, I wanted the usual normal warm human relations. We lived quietly with him for three months, I trusted him, everything was fine, sex, calls “I leave work, what to buy”, communication at home. We have different interests, and our attitude to life is quite different, but I liked it, it was interesting to me - you can’t sit in a familiar cocoon all the time.
And then, a few months later, I wanted to see the time on the phone (with it), but I ran into an SMS from a girl.
For me, this is normal, I would not have guessed any trick in a different situation. Only now the SMS was yu-syu-syu, mimimi, how are you, when will you arrive? I immediately opened everything else. It turned out that he did not want to meet with her (he wrote to her that he had no time, and all that), but he corresponded with might and main - and she obviously did not know that he had someone.
I felt very uncomfortable. I asked him who it was and why he needed all this.
He said that, they say, garbage, so the girl became attached. I suggested that he write to her that he has a girlfriend (or just reduce the correspondence to something innocent, and not such frank flirting). He said that it was somehow stupid to write about a girl for no reason, and that he would nullify the correspondence.
I decided not to make a fuss too much, to see what would happen. He seems to have vanished.
Only now she wrote one night, and it became clear that they were communicating like that. My nerves could not stand it, I wrote her a message with a request to write to Artyom during the day, and not when we sleep. After that, she no longer wrote, I, it was, calmed down, but in vain.
A month later I saw a text message from another girl. He looked at this SMS right in front of me, I didn’t rummage through his phone and didn’t specifically look for anything.
I asked who it was - in my opinion, a completely normal question.
He could just say that this is a friend, and that's all, but he said that this is a colleague, and at the same time he began to get out somehow strangely, it was clear that it was a lie.
I immediately opened Facebook, looked for her, said that there was nothing for me to hang noodles on my ears here, she was no colleague.
My God, what a scandal there was about how dare I just take it and check everything, and not trust what he says. I also made a scandal, why again some unfamiliar girls write in the middle of the night. In general, they quarreled, reconciled.
At the same time, he has girlfriends with whom he communicates, calls up, tells me about them, and everything is fine - I think that it is normal to communicate with familiar men and women. And here such a specific lie, although, in theory, they also did not have time to have any sex.
And I got carried away. I looked at the history of visiting sites - and fell into shock. There every day watching porn sites (in principle, I'm fine with this, but every day there are 50 pages? And we have normal sex).
So, porn sites - as if not just to masturbate for something, but to look at all the girls there, plus dating sites - every day, correspondence "oh, I live alone, maybe we can drink coffee."
And, according to my feelings, it never came to meetings there. I decided to check how he is really limited to virtual communication. I made an account, contacted him on behalf of a pretty naiad, agreed on coffee. In general, I heard at home how he was lying about urgent work and he had to drive off for three hours. Of course, I told him that the naiad was me, and there was no need to leave. I argued, he made excuses. In general, complete nonsense.
Well, that's all, it went on like that - he promised me that he would not be anymore, stopped corresponding in one network (or with one girl) and switched to something else. I caught. Scandal again. Promised again. A couple of times I almost caught at the last moment before a possible meeting. In general, really some kind of nonsense. I stopped trusting a long time ago, it was insulting, painful, I wanted to understand, in principle, he is such a liar, or is he lying to me personally, what is he missing?
She asked this way and that - maybe I don’t like me, maybe something is missing in sex - what’s wrong, can we somehow agree, well, what the hell is going on, really. Katya, you can laugh, but I really thought that a certain habit had formed in a person’s previous life and now we need to talk, explain that there are other options for developing relationships, and that you can build relationships with a loved one differently, and not just fuck fresh for a month meat and jump to a new one.
Moreover, if you don’t know about these correspondence, then he’s just an ideal man - he’ll go to the store and wash the dishes, and everything is in its place, and no socks under the sofa - he loves order very much. I personally know women who do not react to the spree of their men, but I can’t do that, this is not my model of behavior at all.
In general, we agreed that I have passwords for all his social networks, emails, and in general everything where there are passwords - as proof that he does not lie to me and does not correspond with anyone.
I, Katya, feel myself, firstly, as a domestic tyrant, and secondly, as a complete idiot who has not yet escaped from pure idiocy.
And this is also pointless - he still writes compliments to the girls and erases them. Thinks I can't see. Today they quarreled again and agreed that he would collect his things and tonight, adyu. But I still don't understand why he does it? Does he really care about me that much?
He knows he's hurting me, but he continues. What is he proving to whom?
Am I doing the right thing by wanting to end this weird relationship? Maybe I should have tried something else - this thought sharpens me. Let go, do not climb, do not check? I can't, it hurts. I don't want to think that maybe he just got off some girl and now he walks like that and smiles at me. I can not. Maybe I did everything wrong and I'm completely stupid?
I decided not to shorten the letter. Something tells me that the problem is something typical.
Only now I will not talk about what it might seem.
Well, yes, one could write a long post on the topic "that's what an asshole he is."
But there is no need to write about it. He is, yes, an asshole, that's understandable. Moreover, he is exactly the one who can be called a manipulator. With all these hackneyed schemes, like "palming potential rivals" and other things.
Because simply not loving a person (and he, of course, does not love her) is one thing, but for this there is honesty and a human attitude towards a partner: I don’t love, I don’t want, leave.
But to take care, to see how the partner torments himself, and at the same time like this, petty "you suffer, freak out, flounder, I see it, but I'm not going to change anything, I'll live with you for now, but I'll see: what else is there on the side good to eat." - This is completely different.
This is bestiality. Bestiality, cowardice and manipulation.
Here, for example, is a beautiful marker in an email (although it is generally full of markers):
"I asked this way and that - maybe I don't like me, maybe something is missing in sex - what's wrong, can we somehow agree, well, what the hell is going on, really." (with)
Absolutely typical confusion of one partner, the same thing "asked this way and that way." She is already spinning and trying to talk to him in the language of "man with man."
And what does he get in return? And he gets a folk cat Vaska, who listens and eats.
In short, just in case, I’ll remind you of what I already wrote about: trying to negotiate with a manipulator is a deliberately failed business. A normal partner with all these conversations will simply twist himself into a spiral even more and will inevitably break through himself in fruitless attempts to understand "what am I doing wrong."
Yes, it's all right. Just contacted the wrong one.
Therefore - yes, such, to put it mildly, hysterical relationships should be stopped. They are destructive and will not lead to anything good. Unless, of course, we do not consider the clinic of neuroses a good ending.
In general, the topic was closed with a partner. All clear. Stay away. The further, the better.
* * * * *
And now it will be about something else. About why we get into unsuccessful relationships, and why we so often hold on to the last for unsuitable or morally destroying partners.
I would like to emphasize that we will not even talk so much about couples in which one of the partners is a manipulator and an abuser - that's what I'm talking about
It's all about bad relationships. That's it about those when "he is generally good, but for some reason he offends me all the time."
Offends with anything: words, indifference, inappropriate attitude.
In short, about all relationships where we want a little more, but for some reason we alwaysreceive less.
And also about all relations of the form"He's actually good, not really mine, of course, but what to do, you have to take what you have, suffer, but hold on."
And what ... you know how many such letters I have!
I'll retell one from memory. There was a girl, 24 years old, and the girl had a boy of about the same age. And now the girl was at a crossroads: on the one hand, she was great pedaling the boy on the topic "living together and the registry office", and on the other, she herself understood that the boy was very problematic and somehow she got lost.
The boy didn’t aspire to anything there, didn’t want to work, spent his life behind shooters, sex was “about nothing”, there was frank zero sense from the boy, and in general she listed so many things there that it was enough for her to re-read this letter herself to forget about the boy once and for all.
But no! At the end, the girl wrote a wonderful phrase, they say, I understand that he has all these shortcomings, but what if I can’t find a better one?
And I thought: fuck! Yes, there the whole boy consists of shortcomings, and in order not to find a better one, one must live on a desert island, by golly.
Because better than him, with all of the above - for her, every first one can really be. Only she stubbornly refused to accept it.
* * * * *
You know, women are kind of petty-bourgeois. In the sense that we are all, almost without exception, creatures, in fact, very pragmatic and mundane. We often don’t show it and don’t even fully realize it, but it’s true.
It is men who can pick a million scarlet roses, climb onto balconies and do other romantic stupid things. And, of course, it is pleasant for women. But…
The thing is that women urgently need to nest.
While a man recklessly picks roses, she (even the most romantic one) thinks over how and where, in connection with all this, you can equip a nest and what kind of feathers to cover it with. It's all logical, yes. The chicks need to be taken out somewhere.
"Nest" is the main thing that is laid down in a woman's undercrotch.
And everything should be in the nest. And in their places. No, of course, love and all that is also often present in this, but ... not at the core, let's say so.
Mentally, it looks like this: a woman, barely emerging from romantic feelings, begins to feel the space nearby, on the subject of “is everything in place”: “Here are my plates, here are my spoons, here are my towels, here are my sheets and pillows ... so, here I have a man ... in place? in place! ... here are my earrings, here is my chest of drawers ... ".
Do you understand? By and large, a man in a woman's life often takes a place between spoons and a chest of drawers. That is, it should be, and should be in place.
Therefore, a girl of 24 years old (already a ready-made woman) is not ready to take and remove an unsuitable man from her life like that. Because in the nest, near the lovingly folded sheets and pillows, there should be one more indispensable attribute - a man. Here it is like this, none, not very suitable, but, nevertheless, it is calmer when you have all the items in the interior.
When a woman gets older, but at the same time lives alone for a long time, it still gets worse.
And here: “So it is here - I decided (I will call a spade a spade) that I need a family life (before that I lived alone for a long time, worked a lot), and here he is, a potential prince. Well, I lured him ... I completely sincerely fascinated, I wanted the usual normal warm human relationships. (with)
Yes, the woman decided to make a nest. Here are my spoons...
And she didn’t have anyone for a long time, but nature demands its own: and I’m not even talking about sex, it’s just that the real thing is that you need to twist.
And then appeared on the horizon male attribute.
And along with it came euphoria: finally not alone, finally there is someone with whom you can talk heart to heart, who creates the appearance of care.
A man appeared, gave an emotion, the woman began to burn. And twist with triple strength.
But since it burns alone, then the heat turns out to be so ... defective.
But the woman argues how? Not fully - so here we will tolerate, here we will patch up, here we will pretend that this is how it should be.
In general, as my mother once said about a torn skirt: "To go fast is not visible."
In short, from the ensuing euphoria "finally not alone" the criticality to assess what is happening in a woman is greatly reduced, and the value of the closest found partner in itself is overestimated.
Moreover, it is often overestimated not even by the partner (although sometimes this happens, especially if the partner has the inclination of a manipulator), but by the woman herself.
This is a moment that women often fail to keep track of.
And a woman, for the sake of possessing this artificially created value, begins to endure things that, under other scenarios, she might not endure. For example, if she were a little more in demand and change men like gloves, she would know exactly how good she is and what she doesn’t need to endure.
My friend Tanya, who had been in a very unsuccessful relationship for almost two years, broke out of them and analyzed a lot.
You know what Audrey Hepburn said:"Living is like running through a museum. And only then do you begin to really realize what you saw, think about it, look in books and remember - because you cannot accept it all at once."
So it was with her. When her nightmarish relationship ended, Tanya got a lot of things.
And so she told me about one episode. When she was with her, I'm not afraid of this word, she was a ghoul at a concert.
She said, they say, you know, Katya, that's when we came to the club, we stand, listen, and I look around and understand: only girls. And almost all without men.
And I felt so high, even the feeling of superiority inside, or something, was thatHere I am with a man... and I will not, like all of them, trudge home alone.
At the same time, Tanya is a very smart girl, smart and pragmatic. But here it is.
I managed to fall into a typical psychotrap. Which, in part, she set up for herself. She realized it later that it was a trap, yes. A woman feels a little more valuable when there is a man nearby.
This psychotrap has ruined many women's destinies.
My mom always said: "You never have to hold on to anyone, there will always be a next one." And she lived with an alcoholic all her life. She, too, fell into this trap.
* * * * *
Well, so ... a woman falls into a trap and then a pure classic begins: "Here, I have been on my own for so long, and then I seem to have the appearance of a family, and in general we seem to live normally, and what else do you need. Okay , even if we have problems, but he is nearby ... ".
And what else do we like to say to ourselves?
As a result, there is happiness, as it were, and we persuade ourselves to this alleged happiness ... only this artificially created happiness is very bitter and fragile, like a crystal vase. It stands beautifully on the shelf, though you have to take it in your hands very carefully, and, God forbid, don’t pour water into it and don’t put flowers - and so it leaks, or even, God forbid, it will break.
Does he correspond? Going on dates? This hurts me. It's not normal...
What if this is normal? And suddenly it just seems to me that it's not normal? Maybe this is the norm, and I'm just a fool? Put my vase back in its place, it stood there so beautifully!
And yes, fear prevents you from adequately assessing relationships with such a partner.
Moreover, the fear is not even loneliness. It's just hard to leave with a beautiful but useless vase with the hope of a nest.
And we convince ourselves that there are few chances to build a new one, and this one is all around positive. He acts like a bestial, yes ... But so positive!
“Moreover, if you don’t know about these correspondence, then he’s just an ideal man - he’ll go to the store and wash the dishes, and everything is in its place, and he loves order very much.” (C)
And such everyday trifles, which, in fact, are the norm for an ordinary person, begin to be identified by a woman as a great dignity of a man.
For the sake of which a woman is ready to endure the rest of the nightmare.
I'm telling you - there is no criticality.
* * * * *
It is often difficult to get out of unsuccessful relationships, not even because "the person is loved" (about "beloved" I am writing a separate post now, there is a topic for my dissertation).
It is often difficult to go out because "it will have to start all over again."
We must abandon this lovingly offended nest and fly to build a new one.
Because a person (any) is lazy.
We came up with a remote control for the TV so as not to get out of bed. And washing machines, so as not to fool around with linen.
Few people would go to work if the money was "just like that." We would lie on the couch and spit at the ceiling, even languishing with boredom.
So here too. Leaving one relationship means thinking about new ones.
And what are the new ones?
This is a search, it is again to go somewhere, look, communicate, talk, review a bunch of people on the subject of "suitable or not suitable", and then inevitably build something new. And here already, it seems like, although a shitty nest, but already hatched.
And we turn into elephants from a joke: "but naaafig onoo we naaado."
That's why we endure for so long. We do not want to destroy the zone, albeit very shaky, but comfort. Well, figs with the fact that the vase is flowing, and you can’t put flowers in it. But how beautiful it is on the shelf!
"I personally know women who do not react to the spree of their men." (c)
Women who do not respond to spree are women with a broken psyche and substituted concepts. But they cling too tightly to that very nest with beaten vases.
* * * * *
And finally, about "favorites". Oooh, that's a common leitmotif in failed relationships!
"He is so dear to me, and we have such an understanding ... and if something else, where else can I find something like this?"
Yes, women often focus on the wrong things. Because it would be correct to clarify here: this is what? Is it the one that makes you uncomfortable?
Well, guys, what I understood by my thirty-three, I understood clearly and unconditionally: there are potentially many relatives.
There are three billion men on earth. Is this the last of the possible relatives? One in three billion?
And yes, it seems that this one is so cool (well, except that it hurts next to him), and this will not happen again. Will! Only without pain.
And with the next one there will be the same mutual understanding and all that. And it's probably even better. This is natural. We attract people who are like us.
For men, this also works: do not tolerate an unsatisfactory relationship, there will always be a next one! And it won't get worse for her.
You just need to get out of the neurosis and look around.
The empty space must be filled by someone.
Relationships should be without neurosis!
* * * * *
In general, and so I wrote a lot.
But I want to finish with a phrase that once put my brains in their place.
I read it at a difficult time in my life. She was very bitter, and ... cool at the same time.
So I took the plunge and tested it out for myself. And she works.
This phrase is here: "If you are afraid of losing someone, lose already and don't be afraid."
Lose and don't be afraid. Because to endure and be afraid is not life.
Hello. I am 25l. no children. I have been living in a civil marriage for 4 years with MCH. He is 22 years old. I love him very much. The relationship began amazingly, he courted me very romantically, he sought me out for a long time. They began to live together after 4 months. He is always attentive, says that he loves, and I feel it very much. After 1.5 years of living, I accidentally noticed an SMS correspondence with some girl on his phone, and quite intimate. She threw a tantrum, he said that it was just by SMS, nothing like that. And nothing has changed in the family, he was also gentle, everything is wonderful in sex, there are no external manifestations. But intuition said that there was something, and even these little things, a disconnected phone at home or on vibration. He said stop everything, asked for forgiveness. And so for the past 1.5 years I have constantly found some SMS correspondence with love overtones. And I don’t rummage through his phone all the time, I’ll climb in from time to time and I’ll definitely find something there. I said a thousand times that I don’t like it, he asked for forgiveness, everything calmed down for a while, and then again. Unable to withstand another SMS, I gave him an ultimatum: either you stop or leave, I do not intend to put up with it. He left home, said he needed to think. After 3 days I missed you, wrote, arrived. He said that he could not live without me, that he loved and would try to control himself so as not to hurt me. Everything was quiet for a while. Lately, one of these girls has been calling, I noticed several times. I already know these numbers by heart. He says he doesn’t know why he’s calling, he’s tired of himself, he even wrote SMS to her in front of me so that she doesn’t write, doesn’t call, but everything repeats. For some reason, intuition says that all these are excuses. Recently he said himself that he would put her number on the black list, but I put it myself, after a while I check, he removed her from the list ... what to think, and I don’t know ... his explanation - he doesn’t know why he does it. But apparently he sees nothing of the sort in this, or something. Moreover, his attitude towards me did not change at all, he also says love, just as affectionate, friendly, helps, so everything is fine, if not for this fact ... I'm just afraid that he is with me, because it's more convenient for him, they will cook , caress always. Yes, and we have property, and common loans. I can not do anything with this settled insecurity in me ...
Marina, Komsomolsk-on-Amur, Russia, 25 years old
Family Psychologist Answer:
Hello Marina.
It seems to me that you are substituting concepts and do not want to notice the obvious. Your lack of confidence is not in yourself, but in the man with whom you planned to start a family and live happily ever after, sharing a life. Moreover, in some supernatural way you find the strength to close your eyes to what hurts and offends you. For the truth. The fact that your man has not yet made the final choice in life, which is why he hesitates, gives you promises and does not keep them. Being affectionate and sweet, saying nice words is easy. It is difficult to take responsibility and admit that you are not yet ready for a family, that all the temptations of life attract you so much that there is no strength to resist them yet. Your man does not value your relationship too highly, so he allows himself to communicate on the side, especially without hiding it from you. And the question is not how to regain your self-confidence, but whether you are ready to share a man with someone else? Do you have the strength to wait until the man is determined, if this, of course, happens? Because this may not happen. Decide for yourself what you yourself are ready for in this relationship, and then set ultimatums to a man. Good luck!
Sincerely, Ekaterina Kondratieva.
Hello Vika! I saw calls and correspondence of my husband with another woman. When she told him about it, at first he denied everything, then he realized that there was no point in denying it. I put him before a choice, and he chose me and my son (12 years old).
He promised that the calls would stop, but the next day they still called back. She wrote not to look for her, to take care of her family. But I think that their communication continues, and I do not know what to do. I do not understand the meaning of their relationship: she lives in a city 200 km from us. He immediately goes home from work, does not linger, but at home he is somehow detached. Do not take the trouble to answer my modest letter: after all, I live in the countryside, and we do not have a psychologist.
Natalia
Dear Natalia! Many men go through a period of crisis, when real life seems to be passing by, and true happiness is missed. The daily routine becomes unbearable, and a person begins to look for something "genuine", deep and sincere feelings.
Often, without realizing it, men are brought to such a depressive state by their own wives. Many of our women are characterized by an indifferent, disrespectful attitude towards their spouse, underestimation of the importance of intimate relationships, neglect of their own appearance, excessive immersion in the household, in caring for children, etc. The husband with his feelings and experiences in her life is given the very last place. And if by chance one turns up that begins to tirelessly praise and exalt his virtues in every possible way, a man may not resist, even if the fan is inferior in all respects to his own wife. I know many examples when it was in this way that smart aunts managed to break seemingly unshakable marriages. A typical mistake of women who have discovered a “leftist” spouse is to put forward an ultimatum: “Choose - me or her!”, “Stop communicating with her immediately or leave!”. The choice may not be in your favor. But you don't want that! Otherwise, she would not have been vigilantly monitoring his contacts and suffering so much. It was necessary to calmly ask with whom he was corresponding and why he needed it. Most men answer that they communicate with an outsider woman just for fun. And here - without tantrums and screaming - it was necessary to convey to the mind of a loved one what you feel when a loved one acts in this way. That is, to lead a conversation not in the form of claims, insults and reproaches, but exclusively focusing on their experiences. Men, with external bulletproofness, as a rule, value the family. And even with a surging new feeling, they are extremely reluctant to divorce, because they avoid stressful situations. They would rather have two wives. They try to hide the fact of infidelity from the legal one for as long as possible, and for years their mistress has been brainwashed with imaginary reasons that prevent them from leaving the family.
My advice: calmly state your position to your husband, and then never again reproach him for this misconduct, do not check his correspondence and calls. Let go of the situation, and it will come to naught by itself if you behave as if this episode never occurred in your life. Be affectionate and benevolent, take an interest in men's affairs more often, try to leave at least a couple of weeks a year with him away from home. Shakes from the daily routine are needed by both of you and will only benefit.
Family life is a fragile boat sailing on the turbulent sea of human reality. And the more freedom, opportunities and desires people have, the more restless this sea is. A few decades ago, it was much easier to “figure out” that a husband was flirting with another woman or, say, communicating with a former lover than today, in the days of the Internet and social networks. If the husband is corresponding with another by phone or the Internet, then it is important to study the following advice from psychologists.
How does a conversation start with someone else?
Meaningless flirting with a half-familiar or completely unfamiliar woman can be nothing more than entertainment for a man mired in a family routine, a way to bring a little drive, zest to life. Why does he need a drive when he has children at home?
Rhetorical question, ladies. Most men by nature remain warriors and hunters, albeit somewhere deep inside. And they need to at least sometimes take this nature out for a walk. In this case, treason is not implied.
Why is the ex-girlfriend of the current family man so dangerous? Because his old feelings can easily be revived, especially if the rival is in some way superior to the spouse of the restless subject. What to do? How to fight and - most importantly - with whom? With a husband or with a rival? And is there a need for a fight?
The girl on the other side of the screen for a man is a mysterious, inaccessible nymph. She is a figment of fantasy, a coveted hunting trophy. Unlike his wife - albeit beloved, but so familiar, so unraveled and "explored". The husband is not interested in the real identity of the one with whom he is corresponding. He doesn’t care if she cooks well, what she is like as a friend and mother.
Because the virtual world is a world without responsibility, a world in which only beautiful words matter. And these words do not need to be confirmed by deeds, deeds.
It seems that the beginning of the process is quite innocent. But... most men don't stop there. When a spouse plunges headlong into the virtual world, becomes a hostage of the game he started himself, the wife turns into a kind of vixen, distracting and annoying. A beautiful stranger gives him new impressions, surprises and pleases. And the wife ... And the wife at this stage should think about how her faithful came to such a life.
The reasons for this behavior of married men
The husband corresponds with many women corny because he is looking for a new object of passion. Mistress, that is.
- The man stopped feeling like a conqueror, a hunter. His self-esteem was shaken, and to normalize it, new objects of “conquest” were needed. In this case, the case may be limited to correspondence, or it may develop into a real adultery.
A crisis. Either personal, for example, middle age, or in a relationship - and then you already need to save the marriage. - A man is just friends with another, asking her for advice, which he can only get from a woman. Perhaps there are serious problems in the family?
- A loving spouse wants to solve some “inconsistencies” in the relationship in this way, to find approaches to his own wife. And who will tell you better than another woman?
- The faithful is in correspondence with a former lover or old girlfriend. This situation is one of the most risky. Feelings might well still remain for an ex-girlfriend, and a girlfriend - especially if she is single - can easily become someone more. Especially if communication on the Internet develops into real meetings.
- Correspondence is a half-childish way to get ... attention from the spouse. The wife makes a scandal, and the husband is happy about it. At least they don't ignore him.
- The man is just having fun, not assuming active action.
- The husband raises his self-esteem due to the attention from other ladies. And, therefore, in the family he lacks love and attention.
The spouse is allowed absolutely everything - and he does not suspect that he is doing something obscene. If others can, why can't he? The wife should, perhaps for the first time in the years of marriage, show firmness of character.
The first thing to find out for yourself is whether the correspondence is real. Perhaps these are all speculations, fantasies spurred on by jealousy. How to do it? It is enough to “probe” his email, SMS in the phone, history in the browser. Yes, it does not look very nice, but it is necessary.
- If there is correspondence, nevertheless, you need to try to find out the reason. Think about what a husband can be dissatisfied with? Is everything going well in your relationship with him? At home, in the family? Can you talk about everything, or will he prefer to discuss some topics with strangers?
- Talk, but only frankly. If positive changes are important for both partners, you will also have to work on them together. Find out what you both like and don't like about the current situation, what you would like to change or improve - and start working on it.
- Or maybe the big boy runs away to the Internet from problems with you? For example, after a particularly violent quarrel, during which you shower your husband with a hail of reproaches? Or wanting to discuss your hobbies that you have no interest in at all?
- Consider whether you are personally willing to struggle for complete intimacy with your own partner. Is he dear to you as a person, as a person? Can he realize his fantasies, his dreams with you? Or are you only capable of serving him cutlets and borscht, and are you ready to leave “high matters” to others?
After analyzing and doing all of the above, you will most likely find the cause of the current situation. Can you fix it? Do you want? This is both the main question and a guide to action.
If the spouse did not even think about something frivolous, he may not even guess that he hurt your feelings. Explain this to your partner gently but firmly. Ask him how he would feel if you corresponded on the Internet with guys he didn't know?
Attention! Be sure to specify what you consider reprehensible: flirting, or simple communication with girls. Just don't overdo it. For example, a historian discussing his dissertation with fellow ladies - 95 percent does not give rise to jealousy.
How to behave
Pay attention to your loved one. Let others have another reason to admire you! Change your hair, buy a new dress, go to a spa. Are there many options?
- Stop controlling your spouse - but do not stop watching him. Let the man feel that you completely trust him. And in the meantime, you yourself will make sure that you have chosen the right life partner.
- Give newness to relationships - it's always good.
- Do what you love. Enjoy yourself and the world around you and repeat point 2.
Are there kids in the family? Let dad do more of them! A man will feel important, loved, understand how eagerly they are waiting for him from work. And you will have a fraction of free time - for yourself.
I met a man, 3 months of paradise, like in a fairy tale, and found out that in parallel with me, correspondence with an ex-girlfriend from another city, with kisses, hearts, she sends him her legs, he gives her money for boots. Shock. Says nothing to him. I left. He writes to her that he doesn’t care about me, but he doesn’t care about her. Then he runs to me, like he is trying to fix something, or maybe he just uses it and sits on dating sites at the same time ... he says that I am to blame for this ... would not break up, there would be no sites ... But a day does not pass there, only I am out the door. What is it? Why is he running, there are a lot of girls around or haven’t found anyone yet and I’m just comfortable. I understand everything with my head, and I continue to communicate. I think where I did something wrong and maybe it was different. Now 2 months old he is “good”. He says he would start running if he didn’t need it ... He is interested in whether I will take his last name ... and the more I am from myself, the more he is to me. I'm confusedA man texts others and then runs to me
Elena, hello!Of course, the fact that a young man communicates with another girl in parallel, and quite unambiguously, raises the question of his seriousness towards you in general.
But I also have a related question. How did you find out about his correspondence? How do you know about dating sites? Those. do you have any mistrust towards him, surveillance? And this is a question for your relationship as such. How well are they all? “Like in a fairy tale” - these are your feelings. But how did the young man feel and feel? How are relationships developing? After all, if a person is generally comfortable, he is unlikely to look for something on the side, especially at the very beginning of the relationship.
There is, of course, a certain type of men who are prone to cheating. You can read about it in the article -
Here in the article, look at what is very important set boundaries, i.e. explain your position to a man. For you, such communication on the side is tantamount to treason, and for your relationship it is unacceptable. Discuss with him what you think is acceptable and what he thinks, try to reach an agreement on this. And then further on, both you and the young man can make a choice - to continue the relationship or not.