Getting rid of love addiction on your own is not an easy task. It has its roots in early childhood events and is associated with long-standing psychological traumas that have been repressed and cannot re-enter consciousness. Very often, victims of love addiction do not even realize that they can live differently.
The first step to recovery is accepting the fact that getting stuck in destructive relationships is a disease and it is not romantic to suffer.
Shifting the emphasis from your loved one and his problems to yourself.
This implies that all the energy that was previously expended on maintaining an unhealthy relationship, winning his love and/or solving his problems will need to be directed towards his own healing. Remember, no matter how much effort you put into changing it, you will not be able to do it. You can only help yourself in this situation. You, like no one else, deserve attention and care.
Your own recovery should be your number one priority. If you do this occasionally or half-heartedly, you will not be able to resist the force of habit and change existing behavior patterns. From now on, personal matters should become more important to you than meeting your loved one and discussing his problems. You no longer have to give up your goals to avoid his nagging or anger. Making him happy is no longer your job.
Refusing control and manipulation in relationships.
Do not impose your help where it is not asked for. Your beloved is an adult and knows as well as you how to cope with this or that life situation. But he won't be motivated as long as you do everything for him. By deciding what he should do, you take responsibility for his life, and with it, responsibility for his happiness and well-being. It is impossible to cope with this task, since happiness is an internal state, and no one except ourselves can provide it. But if troubles arise, your partner will always have someone to blame, because he completely relied on you. Use approval and praise only where it comes from the heart, and not so that your partner will act as you see fit. This is also manipulation. Give your chosen one more freedom in the relationship, do not track his actions.
If he has problems, don't interfere. Let him find a way out on his own and thereby take responsibility for his life again. At this stage, you will have to activate self-control so that for the first time you simply do nothing and say nothing. Even if it seems that the situation is becoming unmanageable, respect your partner enough to believe that he can handle it on his own. He will probably begin to take offense at your inaction. But while he sabotages your attempts to change him, this fight is external (he fights with you); if they don’t exist, he will have to fight with himself. If you really want to help your loved one, then help yourself first.
Don't play games.
Game is an artificial method of communication, it is used to avoid true intimacy. To some extent, games are present in healthy relationships, but they predominate in destructive ones. The most popular roles in codependent relationships are: “rescuer”, “persecutor”, “victim”. They involve achieving a goal by becoming good, evil or helpless. Behind them lies the desire to see the partner’s repentance. Give up this game, you don't have to win the argument every time. You can simply leave the game by refusing an answer in a dispute that contributes to its continuation. It's like ping pong, where you have to hit the ball once. Roles are not limited to words, they extend to the entire life scenario and begin to determine behavioral stereotypes, which is why it is so important not to get drawn into games.
A woman who chooses the role of a “stalker” will strive to find shortcomings in those around her and correct them. This is a fight against the dark forces that defeated her in childhood, which she now, with adult experience, wants to fight back. In the role of “savior”, a woman will take care of those around her. But the flip side of caring is control. Her childhood was a lot of chaos and hardship, and as an adult she is trying to resist the fact that the situation will again get out of control. The “victim” will always depend on others, but her weakness has its own strength - this is the feeling of guilt that she inspires in others. When playing games, you will always have the feeling that your happiness depends on someone else. Quitting the game means taking responsibility for your life, for your own decisions, actions and their consequences.
Take responsibility for your own life.
Analyze what brings joy in your life and what brings you troubles and disappointments. Remember everything pleasant and unpleasant that happened to you, highlight the areas of life in which you experience the greatest difficulties (relationships with men, sex, career, communication with parents). For convenience, you can write everything down on a piece of paper. This will help you see recurring themes and automatic behavior patterns. For best results, try to be extremely honest and frank with yourself. At this stage, your main task is to study yourself. This will help you stop blaming others for the fact that life has not turned out the way you would like and deny your share of responsibility. Once you realize this, you can begin to change those aspects of life that do not make you happy. Freedom of choice will open before you, which was not available while you considered yourself a toy in the hands of other people and circumstances.
Develop your own personality.
You were so absorbed in caring for your partner that you may have forgotten what you really like. Will need to find it again. Don't be afraid to try new activities, meet new people, go places you've never been, do things you weren't brave enough to do before. There are no mistakes in life, there are only lessons and they are necessary for development. Don't seek approval from your partner or parents if your relationship with them is broken. It is beneficial for them that you remain the same, then they themselves will not have to change.
Sometimes you will have to do even those actions that you don’t want, take more care of yourself and less of others, learn to defend your rights, ask for what you need, risking being refused, say “no” if it benefits you instead of “yes” to please others. Pay more attention to yourself, learn to give yourself gifts, plan your day so that you have time for interesting and enjoyable activities. You may feel empty because you no longer have to live someone else's life. Feel it and accept it, gradually it will begin to be filled with your new goals and desires. If you don't do this and continue to try to improve others, then the emptiness will remain forever. Don't be afraid to be spontaneous, to improvise, this will balance your usual restraint and responsibility. As you develop, you reach personal maturity and move further and further away from childhood fears and destructive patterns of behavior.
Learn to be selfish.
Leave time every day that you can devote only to yourself and your development. Don't try to adapt to unpleasant life circumstances. Remember that personal desires and needs are very important and it is your direct responsibility to satisfy them. This new model of behavior will inevitably cause displeasure among loved ones. Previously, their well-being was your first priority and they liked it that way. Don't apologize or make excuses, be good-natured and cheerful. Don't take their resentment seriously and it will soon disappear. This is how they try to return you to your previous behavior pattern, don’t give in. Learning to listen to and follow your inner voice will help you develop healthy personal interests. Previously, you only caught hints about the needs of others - turn off this wave, it prevents you from listening to your inner voice.
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
It is not easy to do all the above steps on your own. If you feel like you are ready to snap and return to previous destructive patterns of behavior, do not be afraid to ask for help. You can go to a support group or see a therapist. Do this if you notice that, despite all your efforts, your life is changing not for the better, but for the worse. Many people are afraid that turning to a specialist will lead to the loss of such a significant relationship. This is completely optional; with the right approach, recovery will affect not only your personality, but also your relationships.
Under the influence of the changes that begin to happen to you, your loved ones will be forced to change. Someone is stopped by the fact that they will have to spend time and money on their own healing. Try to compare these expenses with those that you have already made to drown out the pain from a destructive relationship or from a never-survived breakup. Bring here pointless purchases to distract yourself, expensive gifts for a loved one to make amends, travel to forget yourself, problems at work due to your deplorable state of mind, neglect of your health to the point of requiring expensive medical intervention, nights spent in tears. It makes more sense to invest this money in your recovery and well-being.
Svetlana came for a consultation to get rid of her addiction. She is 40 years old, she does not drink or take drugs, but she feels like a real drug addict. “I can’t imagine a day without Vadim. As soon as he leaves for the weekend to meet the children from his first marriage, I’m already crying, I feel useless to anyone... And I constantly call him. I wouldn’t wish such passion on anyone.”
If even the absence of a loved one is difficult to bear, then the thought that he might fall out of love is unbearable for an addicted person, and the departure of a partner becomes a disaster. Love turns into a force that cannot be controlled. “I want him to love me to death,” says 34-year-old Olga, “otherwise he’d better die.”
Suffocating embrace
Love addiction, like other addictions, makes a person strive for the object of passion, while forgetting about himself. A person obsessed with love is often unable to take care of himself: he eats poorly, sleeps poorly, and does not pay attention to his health.
Neglecting himself, he spends all his life energy on his partner... thereby causing him to suffer. All attention, all thoughts and feelings are focused on him and only him, everything else seems meaningless and boring.
“Dependent people cannot determine the boundaries of the individual; they take over their loved one, leaving him no free space,” says Valentina Moskalenko. “When love turns into complete control over a partner, it interferes with the development of a fulfilling sexual and loving union.”
It is not uncommon to encounter dependence on a partner who treats the lover himself poorly. Contrary to popular belief, everyone is at risk of becoming a victim of such passion: men and women, young and mature, rich and poor.
Another case is when violent emotions generally become the meaning of existence. Such a person literally “falls” into love. This jump is often caused by the need to muffle the feeling of the meaninglessness of life.
“We seek in romantic love not only earthly love and human relationships. We are looking for religious experiences and a passionate desire to understand our inner world,” says American Jungian psychoanalyst Robert Johnson.
In his opinion, passionate love, like devout faith, can temporarily free us from contradictions and doubts and, like a guiding beacon, illuminate our lives, giving it integrity and certainty, giving us the opportunity to rise above the level of everyday life.
“Everything that relates to everyday life becomes unbearable,” says Valentina Moskalenko. “A person lives only for this jump.” These two situations have a common denominator - the suffering caused by addiction.
Thirst for victim
People become dependent not only on tender, loving relationships. The opposite and no less frequent case is dependence on a cruel, rude partner.
Before work, Marina covers up her bruises with foundation and thinks: “Of course, with my figure... But in fact, he’s good...”. Anatoly habitually slouches at his wife’s next shout, sighing to himself: “Of course, with my salary...”
Living in an unbearable relationship, enduring humiliation and even beatings, but at the same time blaming oneself - this behavior is typical for those who suffered from the coldness and severity of their parents in childhood.
“If a person is driven by the desire to fill that long-standing spiritual emptiness, then no amount of treatment, not even cruel treatment, can sober him up,” says Valentina Moskalenko. - His feelings (as if through the lips of his parents) tell him: “You deserve it, it’s your own fault.”
“Those who become dependent on the “sacrificial” position unwittingly choose aggressive partners, at the same time provoking them to humiliating, cruel behavior,” adds transactional analyst Vadim Petrovsky. “To free yourself from such dependence, you first need to realize your inherent desire for suffering in childhood in order to stop communicating with your partner from the position of a victim.”
Steps to liberation
Psychotherapy of too much love applies the principle of the medieval physician and alchemist Paracelsus: everything is poison, everything is medicine, both are determined by the dose. In other words, moderate use is beneficial, but abuse causes catastrophic consequences.
“As paradoxical as it sounds, you shouldn’t love too much,” says Valentina Moskalenko. - Pay attention to love songs: many lyrics extol the model of dependent relationships. For example, the classic “The white light has fallen like a wedge on you.” Understanding that such a perception of love and such an attitude towards a loved one is destructive for both, and recognizing one’s own dependence on a partner is a difficult but necessary first step towards healing.”
The next step is awakening your feelings and establishing a relationship with yourself. “During therapy, I felt like a refrigerator that had finally been defrosted,” says 36-year-old Anastasia. “Suddenly I raised my head and saw: there were people all around!”
“Psychotherapy helps a person realize who he is, where he is going in life and who he needs as a travel companion,” explains Valentina Moskalenko. “After all, a dependent person often lives as if under anesthesia, all his feelings are suppressed because they are too painful.”
Dealing with old experiences and paying attention to the current situation is the task of the third step. It is often found that repressed feelings are related to childhood experience: a love-dependent person strives for some ideal relationship that he lacked in childhood.
A love-dependent person strives for the ideal relationship that he lacked in childhood
The child could be afraid that he was abandoned when his parents went to the store, because they did not explain to him that they left for a short time and would definitely return. If parents considered themselves victims of circumstances, they themselves were dependent - on love, alcohol, on anything, then they could not teach their children to take responsibility for their lives.
In other cases, our parents simply did not give us enough love and affection, and now we spend all our energy trying to make up for this lack of love.
“But you shouldn’t think that in this case you will suffer all your life,” says Valentina Moskalenko. “An adult is able to cope with his love addiction: think about why relationships make him suffer, stop blaming himself and understand that he is worthy of love - just as he is.”
Smooth approach
The opposite of dependence is not absolute freedom or isolation. During psychotherapy, people learn to build relationships that develop gradually - starting with falling in love, through gradual rapprochement and the development of trust.
It is important that each partner moves towards the other at his own speed, in contrast to the situation of love addiction, when a person instantly closes the distance and “glues” to his lover.
“The psychological benefit of a dependent person is that he completely delegates the care of himself to someone else: “I had a bad life, and now you will love me,” comments Valentina Moskalenko. - But no one from outside can make us happy. We can only find the keys to true happiness in ourselves.”
About the expert
Valentina Moskalenko- specialist in working with addictions, author of the books “When there is too much love” and “Addiction: a family disease?”, presenter of psychotherapeutic groups and seminars at the Institute of Psychotherapy and Clinical Psychology.
Typical situations are considered by Elena Kuznetsova, director of the Vladimir dating agency “Me and You,” psychologist, consultant on interpersonal relationships.
“A woman’s emotional decline turns out to be much longer, because she manages to fall in love with a man completely, since he suits her on all fronts. Women worry longer and move away longer, because they no longer love just their partner, but also their feelings for him,” Kuznetsova comments on the situation.
The psychologist recommends that ladies at the initial stage of a relationship learn more about the everyday preferences of their lover: what food he likes, shirts, what color he wears, etc. All this knowledge will help you keep a man near you in the future.
“If a woman is smart, she should take advantage of the moment while a man is in love with her. She must find out what a man likes and what he values. During this period, the partner gives the young lady the whole schedule, everything that is possible and impossible, he is “naked” in front of her. And when a man begins to cool down emotionally, I must offer the gentleman his complete favorite set: here are the pies, and here are the striped socks. And also dumplings - also from the list. A lady must do everything to,” states Elena Kuznetsova.
Overcoming love addiction
The stronger the dependence on a lover or beloved, the. It is impossible to say exactly how long it takes people to recover. The process is individual for everyone, but the general advice for everyone is as follows.
Immediately after, try to leave for a while. A change of scenery is beneficial because in the new place nothing will remind you of the minutes spent together. In addition, new impressions and emotions will help crowd out sad thoughts.
Another option is to go completely to work. In this case, you also will not have time for tragic thoughts.
Don't forget about the gym. Work out until you sweat. Physical exercise will help relieve negative energy and relax.
Helpful information
Elena Kuznetsova, director of the Vladimir dating agency “Me and You”, family psychologist. Phone 8-920-909-62-35. Call on weekdays from 11:00 to 19:00.It is important to organize your leisure time correctly. Try to keep your brain working all the time, so in your free time, read books (but reading should really captivate you) and watch movies. Just don’t opt for melodramas and romance novels where “everything is about me.” It is better to give preference to thrillers, action films, and films with “action”.
It’s better to forget about the “wedge by wedge” option. This method of forgetting with the help of a new hobby is not very good, because psychologically people are often not immediately ready for a new relationship. We continue to love and remember one person and look for his traits in another. And when the comparison turns out to be not in favor of the new partner, we only become irritated, and no “recovery” occurs. The situation often only gets worse.
If you want to suggest your topics regarding interpersonal relationships, write to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected].
Love addiction is a strong passion, dependence on a person. Love addiction is not a type of love. It is one of the types of codependency, the same as addiction to drugs, alcohol, virtual fortune-telling or slot machines.
Despite this, many people mistake addiction for love. And they sincerely believe that pain is a property of love, although in fact it is a property of dependence.
Dependency is present to one degree or another in every relationship. Some psychologists believe that addiction is even more common than true love.
The situation would look sad if the tendency to love addiction could not be overcome in oneself...
Anatomy of love addiction
What happened to me is commonly called love addiction. It was after this story that happened in my life that I realized that something was wrong with me. That is, I always knew this, but I only realized now what exactly was wrong...
But sometimes the idyll disappears, the union becomes unnecessary and burdensome. The question arises: how to cut the thread with a person who cannot be forgotten? What to do if all thoughts are united around his image? Do you really have to suffer quietly, without receiving in return a chance for new happiness and remain dependent on your own experiences? Of course not. For any situation, there are solutions that can break the deadlock. So, today we will tell you how to get rid of love addiction.
How love addiction manifests itself
Sometimes, after getting rid of love addiction, many people note that they were in a fog. And this is partly true. A dependent person idealizes a partner without noticing his shortcomings. Love addiction is very similar to the effects of alcohol, drugs, the evil eye or damage. A person is so drawn to a partner that he cannot do anything.
To cope with a disease, you need to know about its causes and symptoms. Putting everything into a single picture, it is easy to stop and stop the further spread of the “disease”.
Answer to the question: How to get rid of love addiction? – requires a careful approach and analysis of information. Each story is a separate destiny. It is impossible to develop a single plan. You will have to use the suggested tips and edit your version of treatment based on them. But first, let’s discuss how addiction manifests itself in order to be sure of its presence in your life.
The passion to be close to a person, to live with his problems resembles bondage. The person stops worrying about his own worries and devotes all his time to the object of his adoration. In exchange for devotion he receives reproaches, suffering and pain. But this does not repulse him, but, on the contrary, binds him even more. He is not able to soberly assess the current situation and what is happening implies another test of the strength of feelings.
- Control. A person addicted to love will never let his soul mate go to another city, because he longs to be with him every minute. He necessarily monitors every step and demands a report on missed time.
- Jealousy, present in a relationship is an indicator of dependence. This is followed by checking phones and sorting out conversations with strangers. The slightest attention towards the opposite sex is taken as betrayal.
- The desire to change a partner. The partner cannot accept the fact that the personality with whom he likes to be is already formed and does not require alteration. But addiction is a bad role. Constant reproaches and comments continue and will always take place in the discussion.
- Stormy emotions, tears, frequent quarrels and reconciliations- a way to manipulate another person and keep him in tension around you. He easily succeeds in this at first, but after a while this principle of behavior begins to repel and irritate him.
- Parent-Child Position. The partner deliberately agrees to the role of nanny, ignoring his own needs. He looks after, cherishes, does the work of the other half, keeps order and the invented regime.
- Dissolution. A person addicted to love seems to dissolve in his partner. He begins to think with his thoughts, views the world through his eyes. Never disputes the announced opinion, accepts habits and entertainment. He has to part with friends and relatives so that there are no unnecessary comments on their part.
- Losing interest in career growth. Years of study at the institute are considered lost and empty, work becomes an unnecessary trade. By turning himself into a gray personality, a dependent person becomes unclaimed by society.
- The meaning of life comes down to one person. A person cannot imagine his existence without a partner. He is afraid of loneliness and there is an annoying thought in his head - never to part.
- “Washing away” and “seizing” love problems.
By being aware of the signs of love addiction, you can easily get out of the situation you have created, help yourself change your life and be happy.
Attention! Selfless love and self-sacrifice should not be confused with recklessness. A person who gives warmth carefully invites you into his world, filled with kindness and understanding. He does not impose his presence on others, but slightly offers help, without being offended by refusal.
Means and methods of getting rid of love addiction
It is possible to get rid of love addiction, and in some especially difficult cases it is even necessary and extremely necessary.
1. “I deserve the best!”
Psychologists advise doing auto-training every day. Repeat the following phrases to yourself every day:
- "I am worthy of love and respect"
- "I have wonderful friends"
- "I'm an excellent specialist"
- “I can provide for myself”
- “I am a strong woman and I can cope with the challenges ahead”
All this will help you feel confident and help you decide to take the first step.
2. “Out of sight, out of mind”
In a brief conversation, tell your spouse that you intend to end the relationship and move on. There is no need to engage in long discussions or go into explanations. At the same time, you must be decisive and confident in your words. If you are afraid to succumb to persuasion to save the relationship, then it is better to break off the relationship over the phone.
If you have already broken up with a guy and switched to the role of Ex-, in order not to return to the old one, remove the external signs of his presence in your life. Destroy items associated with your former loved one. These are photographs, toys, clothes, shoes. Remove everything that reminds you of him from sight. Give to those in need. You will have a reason to update your wardrobe, change your clothing style, and renovate your apartment. Add his email and phone number to the blacklist so as not to be tempted to accept a call, read a letter, or call yourself.
3. “Time heals!”
If your ex is looking for a meeting with you, then try to avoid meetings and contacts with him and mutual friends. The main thing here is to understand that in a month or two both he and you will already remember this as something from the past, as if it never happened. Therefore, it is important to have patience and fortitude. Don’t answer phone calls (you can change the number), don’t go to your usual vacation spots, ignore conversations about mutual friends and activities. Leave the negative in the past and string new, positive emotions.
4. “Life is too short to waste it on things that don’t bring you pleasure.”
Write a profile of your ex-partner consisting of negative qualities. Offensive words, deeds committed, character traits can be listed here. Attach the sheet in a visible place and re-read it whenever you want to meet or call.
Write a farewell letter, express in words everything you feel. Share your plans for the future, make it clear about the need to separate. By letting go of a person with whom you feel uncomfortable or cold, you give the opportunity to new encounters and unknown feelings.
5. “Step one is to want change. Step two is to achieve them"
Feelings, memories and experiences are still fresh and painful, like wounds, so in order to cope and not do anything stupid by returning to the old ways, work through your thoughts on a piece of paper. After all, nothing organizes thoughts better than formulating them on paper. Literally, start with a clean slate. Buy a beautiful notebook and on the first pages write down the traits and qualities that the ideal man for you should have. Take this seriously, you don’t need to write: “A figure like Brad Pitt,” give him real qualities, for example: responsive, attentive, successful, etc.
Treatment for love addiction is beneficial when a person recognizes the existing problem of attraction and is determined to achieve a positive outcome. But he must also be prepared for the fact that this is a long process that requires effort, time and patience.
You don’t need to think that life is over, that it’s your turn or that you’re unlucky in life. We create our own destiny. What we think about and dream a lot becomes our life. Therefore, stop thinking that you are poor and unhappy, you deserve more and better! No horoscopes or messengers of fate are to blame for this! You need to pull yourself together, you can even shout at yourself and start building a new life. A life where you will be valued, listened to, and respected for your opinion. A life where you yourself will build your day, your year, your destiny.
- If you can't cope on your own and need an outside boost, go to a psychologist or church. In the first case, they will listen to you and help you look at yourself from the outside, give you advice, and tell you where to start. In the second case, you will unlearn outside support, because “Everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.”
- Find something you like. Redirect your raging passion into something new. Get busy with your career and studies. Make the most of all your free time, sign up for courses, go out of town, take a helicopter ride, and finally start knitting, drawing, writing. Remember what you were interested in in your youth, or perhaps you have long wanted to try something new. Keep yourself busy, this will allow you not to think about your ex and you won’t notice how time flies by, and time heals. An active life will allow you to look at the world in a new way, perhaps you will meet new people or build your career. Just think about how much time you spent whining and crying, but this time could have been spent much more productively, for example, improving your professional skills or looking for a new job, interview, etc.
- Stop blaming yourself for the past, accept mistakes as experience, as passed axioms without the need for approval.
- Reconsider your personal qualities. Take care of yourself. Build a new you. Don't pay attention to others, listen to yourself. Sometimes, to get what you want, you need to learn to firmly say “NO.” If you are condemned for breaking up a relationship, it means that your loved ones don’t know you well and they are unlikely to wish you well. Only you yourself know what is best for you.
- Try to get closer to reality, analyze actions and the consequences arising from them. Figure out what actions you took that led to you becoming addicted to love. Perhaps you are too trusting and easily succumb to male advances or female charm, or it’s something else. Start changing your way of thinking and living differently.
To get reliable help and understand how to cope with love addiction, you need to thoroughly analyze the causes of its occurrence and eradicate the disease by destroying the root.
Causes of love addiction
There are reasons psychological And social.
Psychological reasons
- Childhood. People who did not receive enough love in childhood need attention and tenderness. Here it is important to understand which one and how they were lined up. “Unloved” children most often end up in love addiction. Having met a partner and like-minded person, a person tries to enjoy the warmth, but ceases to feel the measure and either dissolves in the partner or turns into an annoying, intrusive creature.
- Upbringing. Parental self-sacrifice is a negative role model. The child, having matured, embodies the family model he saw in childhood into his life. “My mother suffered all her life, apparently mine is like that too,” they think.
- Self-esteem. The program of low self-esteem and loss of a sense of security laid down in childhood is the basis of self-dislike and lack of respect for one’s own opinion. A person stops trusting his dreams and believes only in the actions of his partner.
- Victim's position- a profitable option. Such people believe that they are unlucky in life. And they do nothing to fix it. They have no obligations, but only direct “order fulfillment”. At the same time, there is no need to think about the coming day, tasks appear on their own and a person does not get disappointed from thinking about the future. He lives here and now.
Social reasons
- Society. Society’s imposition of a partner’s behavior through films, television shows, books and videos from the Internet. People with a weak psyche, who doubt themselves, accept any experience of others and use it without revaluation. By imitating heroes, they do not take reality into account.
Maria, sociologist : Surprisingly, the central channels have mainly drama series in their program, which are filmed in batches and broadcast one after another. The result is not surprising, since the majority of the population projects the tragic fate of the heroes onto themselves, penetrating into their troubles and finding themselves in them.
- Financial dependence. Early love and immature marriage do not allow girls to get an education and build a career. Thus, they fall into financial dependence and tolerate their chosen one, not being able to leave him, so as not to be left with nothing. If a partner provides financial stability, then it is difficult to give up existing benefits and take on the burden of earning money. Starting life from scratch, without immediate prospects, is quite difficult and not everyone can do it.
- Fear of disappointment.“What will they say? I will disappoint my/his parents.” A person uses other people’s opinions and lives according to the rules built by loved ones. He is afraid of change, it seems to him that any protest will be perceived as betrayal and he will forever lose their favor.
Maria, sociologist : Katya and Andrey started dating in Katya’s first year of law school. Katya did not have a strong connection with her parents, but Andrei’s mother supported the girl in every possible way during difficult periods. Andrey was not distinguished by purposefulness, he was a typical guy from the area, he was characterized by antisocial behavior. Time is running. And now Katya is already interning in law enforcement agencies. She is promoted, after graduating, she immediately receives a high position, her doubts about her future life with Andrei are gaining momentum, but she does not leave him, because... feels responsible to his mother. Andrey, meanwhile, joins Katya’s contingent of clients, whom she sends to places not so remote.
How not to step on the same rake
Working through the true challenges of getting into a toxic relationship will help you avoid making the same mistake.
- You must accurately determine the causes of the problem (see Causes above).
- Work through them. Forgive your parents and accept.
- Get busy.
- Stop it.
- Make a list of the qualities you want to look for in a new partner.
In addition, you need to learn to identify the symptoms of a toxic relationship in order to cut them off in the bud before they invade your life like a weed.
Symptoms of relationship addiction
Getting rid of love addiction begins from the moment the symptoms are identified. If you find the negative points listed below in your behavior, then you should seriously think about it and start analyzing your own life.
Healthy Relationships | Dependency in love relationships |
| True love allows for small separations for study, work and personal hobbies. This is quite normal, because a person is individual and he wants to follow his own path, find a special path to success. | Dissolution in the needs of the partner and lack of personal aspirations, goals, and self-development. |
| In a couple, everyone has a personal space that is not violated and respected. | Invasion of personal space, increased feeling of being unable to breathe. Excessive fear of losing a partner and being alone. |
| Love inspires, develops a person, pushes him to self-improvement. | Dependent love does not develop. Both partners or the dependent partner are “treading water.” |
| Pure feeling gives a breath of freshness and inspiration. The desire to overcome difficulties turns into a kind of passion. Incredible forces appear, amazing things are accomplished. | With addiction, on the contrary, there are no changes. The person feels constant anxiety. The fear of losing a beloved “being” makes you jealous and create scandals. Quarrels arise over any minor offense or spoken word. |
| In an open relationship, you trust your partner, believe in his loyalty and sincerity. | When there is an addiction, conversations come down to clarification and disassembly: where you were, who you went with, what you said. |
| There is no dominance in a trusting union. Both partners are on equal terms and the opinions of both parties are taken into account. | Regardless of whether a partner is right, his opinion is always final and not subject to condemnation. |
Love addiction in men and women
Love addiction in men | Love addiction in women |
| Men are calmer and often hide the pain within themselves, not telling their loved ones, so as not to look funny and weak. When they fall into love addiction, they will most likely seek replacement in alcohol, on the side, etc. | Women are more emotional and temperamental. They are characterized by tears and hysterics. But sometimes, not finding a way out, a woman withdraws into herself and closes herself off from the outside world. |
| The man throws himself into his work, overcoming great physical exertion. He wants to forget and cross out what happened, to prove his worth to everyone. | Women, falling into addiction, begin to have an ugly attitude towards their appearance (they eat excessively, do not take care of themselves). |
| Serious exercise knocks out all the negativity from the subconscious. | Passion for melodramas and forums is an attempt to find the missing support. But as mentioned above, it is better to contact a specialist who will help you look at yourself from the outside and tell you where to start. Being surrounded by loved ones helps you recover from hardships. Trust them, accept their sympathy and advice. |
| New meetings are another challenge. After an unsuccessful love relationship, a man will always expect trickery and betrayal. But sometimes it is a new relationship that helps a man cope with ex-addiction. | New acquaintances give hope for reciprocity. But if dependent relationships are not worked out, then there is a high probability of stepping on the same rake. |
Video about how to overcome love addiction.
How to get rid of love addiction and take relationships to another, better level.