Many works by I.A. Bunin is devoted to the theme of love, in particular the cycle of stories “Dark Alleys”, rightfully called the pinnacle of the writer’s work. But a strange feeling remains after reading these works of his - sadness, sympathy for the heroes, their tragic, unfulfilled fate. The heroes die, break up, commit suicide - they are all unhappy. Why is this happening? Love is shown by the writer as a powerful, formidable force that can turn a person’s life upside down. The lieutenant, the hero of the story “Sunstroke,” did not think about this at all, starting, as it seemed to him, a light affair with an attractive fellow traveler. But, having parted with her, he suddenly realizes that he cannot forget her, that seeing the heroine again is “more necessary than life” for him. With deep psychologism, the writer reveals the hero’s inner experiences, his spiritual maturation. The lieutenant feels the peace and serenity of the surrounding life - and this only intensifies his suffering: “Probably, I’m the only one so terribly unhappy in this city.” Bunin often resorts to such techniques as antithesis (contrast) and oxymoron (a combination of incompatible concepts) in order to more clearly reveal the inner world of the hero, who feels extraordinary joy in everything and at the same time torment, tearing his heart, happiness in his soul and tears in his eyes . With tears in his eyes, he fell asleep, and in the evening, sitting on the deck of the ship, he felt ten years older. The hero is in the power of love, his feelings do not depend on him, but they transform him spiritually - this is Pushkin’s awakening of the soul, a change in a person’s entire worldview. Mitya, the hero of the story “Mitya’s Love,” is jealous and suffers, feeling Katya’s disdain for him, some kind of falseness in her behavior, which she herself does not even realize yet. He is waiting for a letter from her, and how painfully the author shows this expectation, and how quickly Mitya’s joy gives way to the expectation of the next message, even more painful. Moreover, physiology does not replace love, and the episode with Alenka convincingly proves this - the power of love is in the harmony of the carnal and spiritual, in its spiritual significance. And so vivid, so painful is Mitya’s suffering, having received the news of Katya’s betrayal and their inevitable breakup, that he shoots himself “with pleasure” just to stop this pain that is tearing his heart apart. Of course, such intensity of passions is incompatible with ordinary life, because in life there is often so much dirt, rough prose of everyday life, petty calculations, lust that kill love. The victim of this was Olya Meshcherskaya, the heroine of the story “Easy Breathing,” whose pure soul was ready for love and was waiting for extraordinary happiness. Submitting to social prejudices, the heroes of the story “Dark Alleys” abandon Nadezhda, and he himself does not see happiness in his future fate. The heroine of the story “Cold Autumn” will remember for the rest of her life the evening of farewell to her groom, who was later killed in the war. And her entire future life is simply existence, everyday prose, and in her soul there is only that cold farewell evening and the poems that her beloved read to her. Therefore, I think it can be argued that in the image of I.A. Bunin's love is such a soaring of the soul, which is not given to everyone, but which everyone who experienced it will never forget.
Senses and intellect have made man the highest stage of evolution. Love and friendship unite people, encourage creativity, and inspire heroic deeds. True love and true friendship are states that every person strives to experience. The main thing is that the feelings are real and mutual. Many people wonder what true love is. How not to confuse it with passion, love or friendship? The answers to these and other questions are in this article.
True love and its imitators
Distinguish between love and infatuation! The latter can be perceived in two forms - infatuation and romantic love. In the first case, the couple plunges into the whirlpool of irresistible physical attraction, often not reaching the point of frankness, sincerity and mutual trust. In the second case, the balance of carnal desire and spiritual unity is maintained. Whether falling in love will develop into true love can only be answered by a man and a woman who are ready to make compromises for each other, overcome problems, and maintain spiritual and physical fidelity.
Distinguish love from passion! Partners are attracted only by the physical shell, appearance. Such relationships do not reach the level of feelings.
Distinguish love from friendship! Sympathy, understanding, trust, frankness, devotion, fidelity without carnal desire. The arguments of true love in this case are convincing, but external attractiveness is extremely important at the initial stage.
Distinguish love from habit! The intimacy between partners is not real. There is a lack of sincerity, trust, and understanding. The situation occurs when passion or love fades away.
Distinguish between love and addiction! Falling in love, caused by a surge of hormones, lasts from 6 to 18 months. Addiction can last for years, characterized by uncontrollable passion and a panicky desire to be close to the person of lust.
Signs of true love
Emotional infatuation, satisfaction of carnal needs, fear of loneliness - our feelings and emotions are disguised as love and can stupefy a person for years. This is because no one has given a clear answer to the question of what true love is.
In 2010, scientists from the World Health Organization recognized the bright feeling as a disease. Mental illness received a serial number - F 63.9. Everyone has felt the symptoms of the disease at least once in their life: loss of sleep, obsessive thoughts, sudden changes in mood, pressure surges, impulsive actions.
However, when the pressure rises at night and there is no sleep, the last thing we think about is the approach of great love. True feeling is difficult to explain; it can be recognized by a list of obvious signs.
No doubt
The feeling comes to us suddenly, all the thoughts in our head are devoted to the object of desire. A person is confident in his feelings, ignoring the opinions of relatives and friends, emerging circumstances, overcoming impressive distances and even natural disasters.
Let your friends assert dozens of times that you and she are opposites with different views on life, and your mother will offendedly declare that she did not raise you for this - there is no doubt that in your search for true love you have overcome many obstacles and are confident in the correctness of your feelings.
The puzzle has come together, the halves that are being talked about all over the world have been reunited. You can write out a scenario for the development of events with your loved one after a year, two, ten, thirty... You are ready to marry him and have children.
The answer to the question “Why do you love him?” does not exist
Not because love clouded the mind and erased the memory. There is simply no concrete answer. You love a person simply for who they are. There is no doubt, this is your match. You can give a couple of arguments - for a beautiful figure, an expensive car or a promising job. But such reasons have nothing to do with real feelings. An analogy can easily be drawn with friendship. Having gone through fire, water and copper pipes together, comrades may even forget where they met, but they will be faithful and devoted until the last day. True love and true friendship are concepts that require no explanation.
It's just you and he/she
“Autumn has come, the leaves are falling. I don’t need anyone except you” - this is how this sign of love can be described in a comic form. A person devotes all thoughts and actions to the object of desire, relegating everything else to the background. Even if the inhabitants of Hollywood Olympus like Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt offer you to spend the evening on the Cote d'Azur, you will not abandon your dear, unknown Petya.
The relationship develops, you become a better person.
The problem with true love is its ups and downs. Sometimes it takes time for it to strengthen and take shape. If the initial all-consuming passion has subsided, and the desire to care, look after and give tenderness only intensifies, you are on the right track.
A bright feeling inspires, gives strength, energy, and the desire to create. A person has an incentive to develop, become better, more attractive. If the relationship is real, it will not require unbearable sacrifices and drastic changes. As one of the psychologists wrote in the essay “What is true love?”, “... there should be no hard labor here, conscious, desired work on oneself - yes, but it should not oblige one to make sacrifices.”
The ability to forgive
Collecting grievances is a useless and thankless task. Love, although classified as a disease, is a panacea for this harmful hobby. A loving heart knows how to forgive. It’s not always easy; for some it takes years. The feeling of resentment is strong and is often a direct competitor to the F 63.9. Betrayal is followed by a bloody emotional battle. Here lies the answer to the question of what true love is. That which overcomes grievances, adversity and heals emotional wounds.
Best friends and partners
Lovers play by rules known only to the two of them, and never score the ball into their own goal. People around you will never hear complaints from you about the shortcomings of your other half. You, like Bonnie and Clyde, stand by each other in the most difficult situations. They say about true love that two people are links in one chain, two equal, equal figures.
You have something to keep quiet about
Spending days and nights together, talking on the phone for hours is an unconditional sign of interest and sympathy between a man and a woman. True love stories often begin with long night conversations. But only in silence is the depth of feelings hidden. This silence no longer forms an awkward pause; a quiet dialogue between two souls is taking place.
Nothing lasts forever, and neither do feelings.
Many people believe that true love is one for life. Once you fall in love, you will never stop loving, if you have lost your other half, you will never experience a brighter feeling again. In life, everything changes, even the strongest relationships can collapse in the blink of an eye. What is true love? This skill is akin to riding a bicycle - once you learn it, you will carry this knowledge with you throughout your life. After an unfortunate fall, it is important to find the strength to rise up, spread your wings and go towards new love.
Every person has the right to create his own formula of happiness. In his essay “What is True Love,” the French philosopher recommends creating your own recipe for inspiration and energy replenishment.
7 signs of true friendship
The situation is similar. Each of us has friends and girlfriends, and seven of its characteristics will help you understand whether the friendship between you is real.
No competition. If one of the couple achieves success, the other is sincerely happy for him. This is the main property of true friendship. The slightest competition in the future can cause a rift in the relationship.
Honesty. It is important not to cross the fine line between honesty and harshness. Friends should tell each other everything they think, but the form of presenting information should be friendly, without rudeness. Did you like your friend's hairstyle, trousers, figure? Give him generous compliments!
Down with obsession. A friend can support, give advice, and mentor, but you shouldn’t try on the role of an annoying mom or a categorical dad. By making many demands on a person, trying to command, you can change his feelings exactly the opposite.
Reliability. A true friend is found in trouble. This saying has not lost its relevance for decades. In joyful moments of life, a person is surrounded by many comrades, but in difficult times their number is sharply reduced. A sincere friend will provide not only moral, but also material support if circumstances require it.
The ability to listen. Each of us has situations when we want to speak out, throw out resentment and negativity. A friend will listen, even if the topic of conversation is unclear to him.
Relationships carried through time. People who were considered best friends in childhood rarely maintain the same level of communication in adulthood. Our interests change, life scatters us across different cities and continents, but even after years, true friends will have something to talk about.
How are women and men friends?
Female friendship. Experts in the field of human relations question its existence. Relationships between two representatives of the fair sex are most often of the nature of acquaintance. 80% of girls perceive their own kind as competitors. Friendship between women is possible when they have nothing to share, which happens extremely rarely.
Male friendship. Although the stronger sex denies it in every possible way, they compete with each other no less than women - in their careers, personal lives, car size, etc. The success of one may not always cause an adequate reaction from the other.
Friendship between a man and a woman. Due to different psychological structures, sincere relationships between representatives of different sexes are extremely rare. Only high self-esteem and a clear understanding of personal freedom will help you move away from stereotypes and maintain friendly feelings between a man and a woman.
- The power of love makes a person change for the sake of the one he loves
- Love is not always beautiful on the outside, it is expressed in happiness inside a person
- Love can make a person do rash, fearless and even immoral things
- The essence of love lies in the fact that a loving person will never hurt his beloved
- Love for people is the ability to sacrifice oneself for their happiness
- Love brings out the best feelings in a person
Arguments
L.N. Tolstoy “War and Peace”. Pierre Bezukhov's love for Natasha Rostova can be called real. He knew that Natasha was the fiancée of Andrei Bolkonsky, his friend, so he did not allow himself too much. Pierre's best feelings were manifested in his readiness to help and support in a difficult situation. He respected the man he loved. Pierre had the opportunity to look after Natasha when Prince Andrei was away, but he considered it low to interfere with someone else's happiness and ruin the relationships of people close to him. This is true love: it lives inside a person, manifests itself in noble deeds.
A. Kuprin “Garnet Bracelet”. Zheltkov, an ordinary official, turns out to be capable of true love. Love for Vera Sheina is the basis of his life. Zheltkov dedicated his entire existence to this woman. He understood that they could not be together: the social status of these two people was very different. Zheltkov did not interfere with Vera Nikolaevna’s life, did not dream of winning her, but simply loved her - this was the highest happiness for him. The hero’s suicide is not cowardice, because he died so as not to disturb Vera Sheina. Zheltkov gave her the most expensive thing he had - a garnet bracelet. He said goodbye to life with a feeling of gratitude for everything that love gave him.
M. Bulgakov “The Master and Margarita”. Margarita’s love for the Master can be called real, incredibly strong. Margarita is ready to do anything that will allow her to be with her loved one again. She makes a deal with the devil and becomes queen at Satan's ball. And all for the sake of one person - the Master, without whom she cannot live. Love motivates a person to do the craziest things. The power of love is greater than the feeling of fear. Margarita proves this, for which she receives a reward - eternal peace with the Master.
Jack London "Martin Eden". Coming from the working class, poor young sailor Martin Eden falls in love with Ruth Morse, a girl belonging to the upper class. Love encourages a poorly educated young man to develop himself in order to overcome the abyss that separates him and Ruth. Martin Eden reads a lot and begins to write his own works. Soon he becomes one of the most educated people, having his own opinion on everything, most often different from the prevailing opinions in society. Martin Eden and Ruth Morse are engaged, but this is kept secret, because the young man is still trying to become a writer, but still has no money in his pocket. Nobody believes in Martin Eden: neither the sisters, nor Ruth, nor the Morse family. He works hard in the name of love: he writes, sleeps for four hours, reads, writes again, because he truly loves Ruth and wants to ensure their happiness. After a scandal surrounding the personality of Martin Eden, caused by a young reporter, the engagement is broken off. Ruth doesn't even want to talk to him. But when he becomes popular, rich, receives recognition, then they begin to love him. Ruth is no longer against marrying him: she says that she has always loved him, that she made a terrible mistake. But Martin Eden does not believe these words. He realizes that he has not changed a bit during this time. When the engagement was broken off, works that received recognition had already been written. This means that since Ruth broke up with him then, she didn’t really love him. But Martin Eden's love was true, real, pure.
M. Gorky “Old Woman Izergil”. Not only love between two hearts can be real, but also love for people in general. Danko, the hero of the work, sacrifices his life in the name of saving people. His goal is noble. Danko rips the heart out of his chest and lights the way for them. People come out of the forest and are saved. But no one remembers the hero’s feat, and yet he gave his life for the happiness of those around him.
Love... Perhaps there is no person who has not thought about it at least once. What is this? What does a person live by? Or a trifle that makes you vulnerable? Deep and strong feeling or fleeting affection? Love at first sight? Happy? Undivided? These questions make my head spin. But there are no answers to them. People have been looking for these answers for centuries, but if they find them, they are different for everyone. That's why they say that love is something eternal, imperishable. She has, is, and will continue to excite the hearts and souls of people.
At the turn of the 19th and 20th centuries, the treasury of Russian literature was replenished with the works of two writers: Ivan Bunin and Alexander Kuprin, who found their answers to “eternal” questions. And they told the world about it. It would seem that these two writers are not at all similar to each other. Even outwardly, their differences are so great that it seems as if they could not have anything in common. Pushkin called Kuchelbecker “a brother in muse, in destinies.” One can hardly say this about Bunin and Kuprin, because their fates were noticeably different. But the muse, it seems, was the same...
Love is like sunstroke and love is like death - the thoughts of the two great writers are very similar. What is sunstroke if not a tiny death? The gentle sun warms, hugs your shoulders... It seems that you can no longer live without it. And then what has brought you only joy for so long “hits you over the head,” clouds your heart and mind, and leaves behind a lot more pain and unpleasant heaviness in your head and weakness in your body.
Bunin’s “sunstroke” throws the nameless lieutenant and his equally nameless companion into the abyss of passion. Having known each other for only three hours, drunk either from the sun, or from hops, or from each other, they get off the ship somewhere, in some small town, and spend several unforgettable hours together. And here “unforgettable” is not a pompous or vulgar word, no. It is sincere: “... as soon as they entered and the footman closed the door, the lieutenant rushed to her so impulsively and both of them suffocated so frantically in the kiss that for many years later they remembered this moment: neither one nor the other had ever experienced anything like this in their entire lives.”
The feeling that overwhelmed the two people did not last long: only night and a little morning. But it left an indelible mark in the souls of both.
They parted easily, only “in front of everyone” they kissed on the pier. But after this parting, the same torment began that always happens when you come to your senses after a sunstroke.
The lieutenant was tormented. Even one single day without Her seemed unbearable, endlessly long and empty. The room in which everything breathed Her was empty. Along with him, the lieutenant’s heart also became empty, deprived of happiness.
Only the next morning he felt better. But the world has changed for this man, and the gentle sun that brought him together with perhaps the greatest love of his life became “aimless.” The soul of the lieutenant hardly died, but, having fallen in love, he still died.
Having fallen in love, the hero of A. Kuprin’s story “Garnet Bracelet” Zheltkov also died. For many years he passionately and secretly loved one single woman, an unattainable woman, without paying attention to others. He loved selflessly, with the kind of love “that women dream of and that men are no longer capable of.”
But Vera, the beloved “G.S.Zh.”, was unable to see that same love in this feeling. She walked past Anosova, barely touching her.
Zheltkov accomplished a feat in the name of this love. By taking his own life, he saved Vera Nikolaevna from suffering, who was burdened by the feeling of a secret admirer.
How much do you have to love a person to do something like this?..
Love that is “strong as death.” Yes, this is not Bunin’s “sunstroke”. But both confirm the idea that true love is always tragic, sacrificial, selfless. And, of course, it doesn’t come to everyone. It can appear and disappear, like a sunstroke, like lightning in a stormy sky, and leave behind a mark that nothing can ever erase. When you fall in love, you give something to someone else. And first of all - the soul. This kind of love doesn't just disappear. Probably only with a person. You can sprinkle it with some passions, other feelings, but it will live as long as you live.
Great love - great works. Two different writers, even outwardly so different that it seems as if they could not have anything in common. But they have the same muse.
...The sense of one’s “I” as a separate person disappears; in the inner world and external affairs, the husband and wife feel like only part of some common whole...
There cannot be deep and sincere love where selfishness rules. Perfect love is perfect self-denial.
From the diary of the holy martyr and passion-bearer Queen Alexandra on the meaning of family and family life
Signs of true love
So what is true, true love? What are its manifestations? Let's turn to the Bible. The essence of true love is revealed by the Apostle Paul in his famous hymn, in the First Epistle to the Corinthians.
“...In perfect love there is no fear, but perfect love casts out fear, because in fear there is torment; he who fears is imperfect in love. Love is long-suffering, merciful, love does not envy, love does not exalt itself, is not proud, does not act rudely, does not seek its own, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails, although prophecy will cease, and tongues will be silent, and knowledge will be abolished. And now these three remain: faith, hope, love, but love is the greatest of these.”
It is difficult to add anything to what has been said, but you can highlight individual points and consider them in more detail.
"Love never ends". Eternity can be called a very important feature of true love. Everything that cannot be eternal has no right to be called love. What disappears from a relationship? Passion, love. After their extinction, at best, emptiness, indifference, sometimes bright memories arise, at worst - negative painful emotions: hatred, despair.
If love is truly true, then a marriage built on this foundation should be eternal. Ideally, spouses remain faithful throughout their lives, even after their death. Of course, not everyone, having been widowed, can no longer marry, therefore, in the church, re-wedding is allowed as an indulgence for our weakness. “It would be better for you not to get married again, but if you cannot bear this feat, then get married,” says the Church.
And there is no doubt that the unity of souls that occurs between spouses during life, if the spouses truly love, will also take place after death, since the eternity of love extends not only to earthly life, but crosses the border of death.
You can give an example from the life of Xenia of St. Petersburg.
She was widowed when she was twenty-six years old and had no children. The unexpected death of her beloved husband struck Ksenia Grigorievna so much that it turned all her ideas about the earthly world and human happiness upside down. She perceived her husband’s departure into another world as her own death.
The life of the ascetic reports that she did not enter into a new marriage and voluntarily took upon herself the feat of foolishness for Christ’s sake. People thought she was crazy; in fact, her actions were filled with deep spiritual meaning. Having abandoned her former name, Ksenia appropriated the name of her late husband and wore his suit. The blessed one assured that it was Ksenia who died, and willingly responded if she was called Andrei Fedorovich. Thus, with her imaginary madness, she exposed the madness of this world, including a frivolous attitude towards marital intimacy and fidelity.
* * *
“Love does not seek its own.” That is, a person loves another for nothing, in contrast to falling in love, when they often love for something and because: he is strong, handsome, smart, wealthy, etc. True love is unconditional love. How to understand this? Let's remember our parents or children. If you ask: “Why do we love them?” - then it’s difficult to answer this question, since individual characteristics, of course, are not a reason for unconditional love.
We love both parents and children only because they exist, as they are. In a marriage with true love, spouses love each other only because this particular person is your half (regardless of appearance, financial situation, etc.).
Sometimes there are married couples where the husband or wife is far from handsome, but what a reverent, tender relationship, what care for each other! As priest Ilya Shugaev figuratively notes: “A person’s appearance is cloudy glass. From a distance you only see the glass itself, but you cannot see what is behind it. But when you press against such glass, you see only what is behind the glass, but you no longer see the glass itself.”
In this regard, one can recall the famous fairy tale “The Scarlet Flower”. The youngest merchant's daughter fell in love with the ugly monster for his love and kindness towards her. Love for an invisible friend helped the girl overcome fear and disgust for his visible image. Ugliness, ugly appearance - all this was conquered by love. Appearance receded into the background. As a result, a transformation took place: the “beast of the forest” became a young prince, “a handsome man, with a royal crown on his head.”
“Love is patient,” and indeed, patience and overcoming all kinds of difficulties and obstacles are the central characteristics of mature, true love.
In fairy tales and legends, the theme of marriage and love is closely connected with the theme of trials and difficulties that spouses have to overcome. This is a typical ending to folk tales: having gone through fire, water and copper pipes, overcoming and atoning for their mistakes, he and she find each other, find, as they used to say, their “betrothed.”
Interesting word "betrothed". It expresses faith: it was destined to meet the chosen one. And when two people meet, they get to know each other. Often people look for each other, as in the famous fairy tale: “Go there, I don’t know where, bring that, I don’t know what.” But they immediately understand when that fateful meeting occurs.
I remember one situation.
Oksana and Stepan, having already been together for several years in a happy, prosperous marriage, never ceased to be surprised, remembering their first meeting. The future spouses met unexpectedly: Oksana was late for work and stopped a passing car driven by Stepan. As both later admitted to each other, they immediately realized that a real meeting had taken place. By what signs? It's difficult to explain in words. Both felt that their hearts seemed to turn over in their chests and then began to beat faster, words were not required. Further life confirmed the truth of the first feelings, which grew into true love.
* * *
The real life of spouses is filled with all sorts of trials, overcoming which the two truly become “one flesh.” In this regard, I recall another example described by the Orthodox author Marina Kravtsova.
Natasha and Alexey got married early, right after school. At the age of twenty they already had two children. Twins were born, Irochka and Larisa. Everything was going great. She had her own apartment, Alexey worked, Natasha enjoyed doing household chores. And then something terrible happened: Alexei was hit by a car. And the young handsome man lay bedridden. And, what is much worse, he was sentenced to lifelong infirmity and real estate. The tragedy that unfolded in the family did not break Natasha. Not a single day did she doubt that she would stay with her husband. Although everyone who knew her - friends, former teachers - insisted that sooner or later she would have to arrange her destiny as a woman.
Understand,” they said kindly, “you are still a girl, and he is a cripple.” Is this really how your youth will pass? Look at you, you’re a beauty, everyone on the street is staring at you.
It was true. Natasha is very pretty. And not only the face is beautiful, but the soul is also beautiful.
“I once made my choice,” she said abruptly. And not a single “well-wisher” dared to open his mouth. For eight years, Natasha selflessly looked after Lesha. The girls grew up. She worked, hardly met any of her friends, she simply had no time. And most importantly, Natasha did not trust the doctors who treated Alexei. She was constantly trying to find a specialist who could put her loved one back on his feet. And I found it. The way she believed in her husband’s healing, the way she selflessly and devotedly served the family could not be in vain. Alexey stood up. He feels like a full-fledged person. And, of course, this is the merit of Natasha, a woman who knows how to love.
* * *
Love "has mercy" - in other words, it forgives everything. Indeed, forgiveness is one of the main signs of true love. We are all different, with our own character traits, habits, and passions. And often you don’t like everything about the soup. How you sometimes want to start reshaping, remaking your husband or wife. After all, it seems that just a little more and he (or she) will understand everything and begin to behave better, change. However, if this does not happen, how often do we experience resentment and anger: “After all, I tried so hard for him!”
In this regard, it is worth recalling the situation described by the holy elder Paisius of Svyatogorets.
The young man, who lived a worldly life, began to develop feelings for a girl who lived a spiritual life. In order for the girl to reciprocate his feelings, he also tried to lead a spiritual life and go to church. They merried. But years passed, and he returned to his former worldly life. They already had adult children. But, despite everything, this man continued to live dissolutely. He earned a lot of money, but spent almost all of it on his depraved life. The frugality of the unfortunate wife kept their household from collapse, and with her advice she helped the children stay on the right path. She did not condemn her husband, so that the children would not begin to dislike him and would not receive mental trauma, and also so that they would not be carried away by the lifestyle that he led. When her husband came home late at night, it was relatively easy for her to justify him to the children: she said that he had a lot of work. But what could she say when, in broad daylight, he showed up at the house with his mistress?... He called his wife and ordered various dishes, and in the afternoon he came to dine with one of his mistresses. The unfortunate mother, wanting to protect her children from bad thoughts, received them cordially. She presented the matter in such a way that her husband’s mistress was supposedly her friend and her husband stopped by this “friend’s” home to bring her to visit them by car. She sent the children to other rooms to learn their lessons so that they would not see some indecent scene, because her husband, not paying attention to the children, allowed himself to be obscene even in front of them. This was repeated day after day. Every now and then he came with a new mistress. It got to the point that the children began to ask her: “Mom, how many friends do you have?” “Oh, these are just old acquaintances!” - she answered. And besides, her husband treated her like a servant, and even worse. He treated her very cruelly and inhumanely. The nightmare lasted for several years. One day this man was racing in a car and fell into the abyss. The car crashed, and he himself received very serious injuries. He was taken to the hospital. And the doctors, having done what they could, sent him home. He became a cripple. None of his mistresses even visited him, because he no longer had much money, and his face was mutilated. However, his wife carefully looked after him, without reminding him of anything from his prodigal life. He was shocked and it changed him spiritually. He sincerely repented, asked to invite a priest to him, confessed, lived for several years as a Christian, having inner peace, and rested in the Lord. After his death, his eldest son took his place in the business and supported the family. The children of this man lived very harmoniously because they inherited good principles from their mother. In order to save the family from disintegration, and her children from bitter sadness, she drank their bitter cups herself.
* * *
“Love endures everything.” True love is sacrificial. How to understand this? Sacrifice is the ability to put your interests on the back burner for the sake of another, even when they seem so important. This is an opportunity to give up something valuable for yourself for the sake of your neighbor. There can be many options. In this regard, the following example comes to mind.
Oksana and Nikolai got married while still at the institute. She is a promising future children's doctor, he is a scientist. Everyone around them considered them a brilliant couple with great career prospects. But life has placed other accents. The first child, a girl, who appeared in the family, completely turned Oksana’s plans upside down. She did not expect that so much attention would be required for the baby. All strength, all care was directed towards her. In addition, the overwhelming economic affairs took all my energy. There was nowhere to wait for help. The husband was forced to give up his scientific career and took on almost any job if it provided at least some money.
The girl grew up, Oksana was finally able to get her favorite job. Having just felt professionally in demand, she realized that she was expecting a second child. The situation was aggravated by the fact that the management of the institution where Oksana worked was going to send her to an expensive internship in her specialty, which would open up great prospects in the future. What to do? Nikolai was adamant: “We will have a child,” he snapped. Oksana was forced to come to terms. A boy was born It is difficult to convey what Oksana had to go through, finding herself with two babies in her arms. My husband was practically never at home, trying to find income. Illness, upbringing, kindergarten, studies, additional education, music school... Oksana had to give up her dreams of a career.
Of course, this is a very serious self-sacrifice for the sake of children. But life also consists of everyday, seemingly small concessions, and sometimes loving people give each other the most precious thing they have.
* * *
An excellent example of sacrifice was described by the famous author O. Henry in his story “The Gift of the Magi.”
“One dollar eighty-seven cents. That was all... And tomorrow is Christmas. The only thing that could be done here was to plop down on the old couch and cry. That's exactly what Della did... Della stopped crying and brushed her puff over her cheeks. She now stood at the window and looked sadly at the gray cat walking along the gray fence along the gray yard... She suddenly jumped away from the window and rushed to the mirror. Her eyes sparkled, but the color drained from her face in twenty seconds. With a quick movement, she pulled out the pins and let her hair down.
It must be said that the Jung couple had two treasures that were the subject of their pride. One is Jim's gold watch that belonged to his father and grandfather, the other is Della's hair...
And then Della’s beautiful hair fell out, shining and shimmering, like the streams of a chestnut waterfall. They went down below the knees and covered almost the entire figure with a cloak. But she immediately, nervously and in a hurry, began to pick them up again. Then, as if hesitating, she stood motionless for a minute, and two or three tears fell onto the shabby red carpet.
An old brown jacket on her shoulders, an old brown hat on her head - and, throwing up her skirts, sparkling with dry sparkles in her eyes, she was already rushing down to the street.
The sign she stopped at read: "Hair Products of All Kinds."
Would you buy my hair? - she asked madam.
“I’m buying hair,” madam answered. - Take off your hat, we need to look at the goods. The chestnut waterfall flowed again.
“Twenty dollars,” said Madame, habitually weighing the thick mass in her hand.
The next two hours flew by on pink wings... Finally she found it. Without a doubt, it was created for Jim, only for him. It was a platinum chain for a pocket watch, a simple and strict design...
At home, Della's excitement subsided and gave way to forethought and calculation. She took out her curling iron, turned on the gas and began to repair the destruction caused by generosity combined with love... Jim stood motionless at the door, like a setter scenting a quail. His eyes settled on Del with an expression that she could not understand, and she became scared... He just looked at her, without taking his eyes off, and his face did not change its strange expression...
Have you cut your hair? - Jim asked with tension, as if, despite the increased work of his brain, he still could not comprehend this fact... Jim took a package from his coat pocket and threw it on the table.
Don't get me wrong, Dell,” he said. - No hairstyle or haircut can make me stop loving my girl. But unwrap this package, and then you will understand why I was a little taken aback at first.
Quick, nimble fingers tore at the string and paper. A cry of delight followed, and immediately - alas! - in a purely feminine way, was replaced by a stream of tears and groans, so that it was necessary to immediately use all the sedatives at the disposal of the owner of the house. For on the table lay combs, the same set of combs - one back and two side ones - which Della had long admired reverently in a Broadway window. Wonderful combs, real tortoiseshell, with shiny stones embedded in the edges, and just the color of her brown hair.
Then she jumped up like a scalded kitten and exclaimed. After all, Jim had not yet seen her wonderful gift. She hastily handed him the chain on her open palm. The matte precious metal seemed to sparkle in the rays of her wild and sincere joy...
“Dell,” Jim said, “we’ll have to hide our gifts for now, let them lie there for a while.” They are too good for us now. I sold my watch to buy you combs. And now, perhaps, it’s time to fry the cutlets.”
* * *
So, a wonderful story of sacrifice of young loving people who gave the most precious thing they had to please each other. And this, probably, is true love, which is the most valuable gift that you can give to each other.
What else is characteristic of true love?
Real, true love has a sense of self-renewal. If a marriage is built on initially correct spiritual foundations, then the moment of meeting (as the experience of a constantly renewed feeling) is always present for the spouses. It happens that spouses spend most of their time together: they work together, they relax together, they are happy and sad together. And, most importantly, they do not get tired of each other, but, on the contrary, more and more discover new facets, new features in each other. Why is this happening?
In true love, a person reveals himself and helps his loved one to open up. If sensual pleasures and passion inevitably lead to satiety, then mature love is not satiated - a loved one does not get bored: love reveals in each other the image of God, which is inexhaustible and unknowable. Such love, through all the masks, character traits, habits, and bodily shell, sees the true spiritual face of the beloved. And often in their declining years, husband and wife seem to find themselves again, but at a new level of relationship.
True love includes caring for another. Caring is a manifestation of the ability to give, not bound by considerations of profit and self-interest. Psychologist and philosopher I. Yalom identifies the following characteristics of true care:
Detachment from conscious attention to oneself, not thinking about: what will he think of me? What's in it for me? Do not seek praise, admiration, sexual release, power, money;
Caring is active. Mature love loves, but is not loved. We are lovingly giving, not attracted to another;
Mature care flows from a person's wealth, not from his poverty, from growth, not from need. A person loves not because he needs another, not in order to exist, to escape from loneliness, but because he cannot do otherwise;
Mature caring does not go unrewarded. Through care, a person receives care. The reward follows, but it cannot be pursued.
True love involves respect for the personality of another . Respect is the recognition of the right of a spouse to have his own choice, his own individual view, even if it seems to us unreasonable and incorrect. Sometimes this is very difficult to do. However, it is very important not to try to squeeze your spouse into the Procrustean bed of your own ideas, attitudes, points of view, even, it would seem, with the best intentions. This, of course, is not good for the relationship. In this regard, we recall the example described by the holy elder Paisius the Svyatogorets.
“Once, while living in the Stomion monastery, I met a woman in the Cavalry whose face was shining. She was the mother of five children. Her husband was a carpenter... If customers made some trifling remark to this man... then he would definitely fly off the chain. “Are you going to teach me?!” - he shouted, broke his tools, threw them into the corner and left. Now can you imagine what he did in his own house, if he destroyed everything in other people’s houses too! It was impossible to live with this man for a single day, and his wife lived with him for years. Every day she endured torment, but she treated everything with great kindness and covered everything with patience... “After all, this is my husband,” she thought, “well, let him scold me a little. Maybe, if I were in his place, I would behave in the same way.” This woman applied the Gospel in her life, and therefore God sent down His Divine Grace to her.”
But how often do we act differently! We are trying to remake, re-educate, reshape the spouse, we are engaged in exhortations, persuasion, we give continuous advice, thereby constantly violating the freedom of the individual and its sovereignty. What's the end result? “Good” intentions, as a rule, end in a quarrel, a conflict, and this is quite understandable: a loved one does not want to “re-educate”, and begins to resist completely legitimately. Probably, more often we need to remember the words spoken by Ambrose of Optina: “Know yourself, and that’s enough for you.”
One more example can be given.
The couple (Irina and Vyacheslav) lived in a well-wedded marriage, as they say, soul to soul. There was agreement on all the main issues: values, faith, outlook on life, interests... Everything was fine, except that the husband could not get rid of the harmful, almost forty-year-old habit of smoking. This became a stumbling block in the relationship between the spouses. Irina, with good intentions, decided: “I will do everything to ensure that he gets rid of his addiction. After all, this is harmful to health and an Orthodox person has no right to such weakness.” The situation was complicated by the fact that Vyacheslav did not make the same decision for himself.
The wife began to decisively “eradicate” her husband’s shortcomings: persuasion, explanation of the harm of nicotine, threats... But everything developed according to the same scenario. Calm Vyacheslav patiently and for a long time endured all Irina’s admonitions, but after some time he exploded and attacked his wife with anger. The relationship has reached a dead end. What should I do? Irina could not find an answer to this question. With this problem, she went to her spiritual mentor, hoping to receive recommendations for re-educating Vyacheslav. But everything turned out differently. Laughing at his unsuccessful attempts to reason with his husband, the spiritual father said: “But you knew who you were marrying, why do you think that you can change an adult?” He continued: “You have lost sight of the most important thing. It is impossible for a woman to change masculine nature. All your admonitions are perceived by Vyacheslav as attempts to interfere with his freedom, in his personality, therefore, in response to good persuasion, resistance and irritation arise. Humble yourself and love your husband for who he is. And God will put everything in its place.”
Irina had something to think about - she did not expect such an answer, but she firmly decided to do as her spiritual father said. Imagine the woman’s surprise when she discovered that after the “admonitions” stopped, family relationships changed dramatically for the better. The long-forgotten peace and tranquility returned, and the husband began to show care and concern.
* * *
The prototype of love without reservations and conditions is the love of the Lord Jesus Christ for humanity, Who initially loves everyone, despite our deep sinful distortion and imperfection. The proof of this great love is the death of the Savior, who gave his life to deliver man from eternal death. What other examples are needed! All that remains is just “a little” - to learn to love your neighbor so as not to think: “Well, let him first correct himself, take the right path, and then I will love him, unconditionally, for real!”
That's the whole point: you need to love a person as he is now, with all his advantages and disadvantages. And then love will melt, transform, reveal all the best, all the most beautiful in the other; you just need to wait patiently and love. After all, we throw an apple seed into the ground and do not come back to collect the harvest a month later, but for many years we patiently care for the tree, and only then do we wait for the fruit. The fruits of love also do not appear immediately; the human soul is much more complex than a plant. And not every tree survives; many die. And more than half of families fall apart, bearing no fruit except abandoned children and twisted souls. Priest Ilya Shugaev compares marriage to two stones, sharp and hard. As long as they don’t touch each other, then everything seems fine, no one is hurting anyone, but put them in a bag and shake them hard and long!..
In this case, two options are possible: either the stones are hewn and no longer hurt each other, or not, and then the bag breaks and the stones fly out of it. The bag is a family, a marriage. And either the spouses get used to it through small self-sacrifices, or they scatter at each other in anger. A huge number of divorces occur in the first two to three years of marriage. People don’t understand that there was no love yet, but only falling in love. You still had to fight for love. And simply none of the spouses wanted to get rid of their sharp edges. Then a new marriage is possible, and there the same thing continues as in the first. The man mistakenly believes that he again got a bad wife, and the wife thinks that she was unlucky with her husband. In fact, both do not want to remove the “log” from their eye and build a truly mature and loving relationship.
So, we have listed the main signs of true love. As Abbot Georgy (Shestun) notes, “...a person strives to achieve full-fledged love all his life. It is a gift of God given by grace. And to achieve such love, you need to earn it: you need to acquire grace and keep it. And most importantly, you need to live to see love, you need to earn it. And if this happens, then after a few years the husband looks at his wife, and the wife at her husband, and he thinks: “What a blessing that I married her.” And she thinks: “What a blessing that I married him.” Understanding that this chosen one is the only one, it is impossible to imagine another person nearby - this is love. But it comes when the ship of family life has overcome many storms and has survived despite everything.”
Love spiritual, emotional, physical
In a true, mature relationship, all three levels of love are present: spiritual, mental and physical. . The spiritual side of love is manifested by mercy, forgiveness of offenses, humility, and sacrifice. Sincerity in love is emotional involvement, sensitivity, attention, and the ability to resolve conflicts. The physical side of love is manifested by tenderness, affection, and harmonious sexual relationships.
These facets in marriage mutually complement and enrich the relationship. The Holy Scriptures say that Adam came to know his wife in a new way three times.
The first time was when he first saw his wife, created from his flesh, and for the first time confessed his love to her. He said, “Behold, this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh,” and gave her the first name “woman.” This is first, perfect, spiritual love, when a person in love sees another person, it is another person, but at the same time, it is myself. “..He who loves his wife loves himself”...
The second time Adam knew his wife was after the Fall, when both fell, but the wife fell first... Adam needed to forgive his wife and reconcile with her. And he again gives her a name - Eve (Life), “for she became the mother of all living.” And this love is the love of reconciliation, forgiveness - spiritual love.
The third time “Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived...” and gave birth, and continued to conceive and bear children. This is the third type of love - procreative, physical love.
Just as one kind of love appears after another, so it fades away one after another, but in reverse order. The first thing in a couple’s life to fade and subside is physical love. It subsides not because it is not good, but because it is fulfilled. It subsides, but does not disappear. What remains from her is tenderness, memory of soul and body.
If people have lived together for a long time and well, then the second love - forgiveness and reconciliation - also subsides. Why? The husband and wife have long since forgiven each other everything, even for the future, and are ready to accept the other with all his illnesses, oddities, and character traits. Second love subsides, but does not disappear. She leaves endless patience.
First love, spiritual, never subsides. While people live on earth, the husband looks at his wife: “You are bone of my bone, you are flesh of my flesh.” This is how the real embodiment of love in marriage gradually occurs. The Lord opens a person’s inner eyes of his heart and helps him to see the image of God in his beloved. This image turns out to be so beautiful that even visible flaws fade into the background and are not noticed.
Love requires a lot of work and patience, but its fruits pay off handsomely. According to the Christian philosopher C. Lewis, when a person “truly learns to love his neighbor as himself, he will be given the power to love himself as his neighbor.”
To be continued...
E.A. Morozova Psychologist. From the book “Harmony in Family and Marriage”