Why do conflicts arise between children and adults? Collaborative conflict resolution. How parents can help a teenager in a conflict situation

Everything should be common: joy, tears, laughter...

The main problem that teenagers have is the problem of relationships with their parents. During adolescence, the child frees himself from childhood dependence and moves on to relationships that are based on mutual trust, respect and relative but steadily growing equality. In most families, the process is painful and is perceived as challenging behavior.

This is how the teenager begins to separate from his parents and confront them. The child may become rude, harsh, and criticize parents and other adults. Previously, loved ones did not notice much in the child, they believed in the infallibility of their authority, and now it was as if they were overthrown from the pedestal. This happens because in the eyes of a teenager, the mother and father remain a source of emotional warmth, without which he feels restless. They remain both the authority that administers punishments and rewards, and an example to follow, embodying the best human qualities, and an older friend who can be trusted with everything. But over time, these functions change places.

In this regard, even in prosperous families, a certain difficulty arises in communicating with children of high school age. Moreover, the complexity increases also because parents often do not understand that communication with grown-up children should be structured differently than with little ones. Parents do not always distinguish between what should be prohibited and what should be allowed. All this can create a very difficult situation.

Depending on the prevailing situation in them, all families can be divided into five groups:

1. Families in which there are very close, friendly relationships between parents and children. This atmosphere is favorable for all family members, since parents have the opportunity to influence those aspects of their son or daughter’s life that are only suspected in other families.

In such families, parents listen to the opinions of their children in matters of modern music, fashion, etc. And children listen to the opinions of loved ones in other, more significant issues. Teenagers raised in such families are usually active, friendly, and independent.

2. Families where there is a friendly atmosphere. Parents monitor the development of their children, are interested in their lives, and try to influence them based on their own cultural capabilities. There are conflicts in these families, but they are open and resolved immediately. They don’t hide anything from parents here; they believe them. In such families there is a certain distance between the elders and the younger. Children usually grow up polite, friendly, compliant, and obedient. They rarely declare their independence.

3. A large group of families where parents pay sufficient attention to their children’s education and their everyday life, but this is all they do. These children have everything they need for life: clothes, audio, video equipment, etc. Children in such families have a separate room, but there is expensive furniture, it is strictly arranged and there is no way to move it or rearrange it. “Spreading dirt in the room” is also prohibited. Parents neglect their children's hobbies, and this creates a certain barrier between them. The motto of such parents is: “No worse than others.” The conflict between parents and children is clearly visible. Financial support does not always satisfy the needs of high school students; parents simply do not consider many of these requests worthy of attention.

4. There are families where the child is under surveillance, they do not trust him, and they use assault. In such families, there is always a conflict between older children and parents. Sometimes it is hidden, periodically breaking out.

Adolescents from such families develop persistent hostility towards their parents, distrust of adults in general, and difficulties in communicating with peers and with the outside world.

5. The situation in these families is critical. There is an abnormal relationship between children and parents here. The atmosphere is tense, antisocial, in such families one or both parents drink. The influence of such a family is detrimental - it is the cause of many crimes among teenagers.

From the above, we can conclude that the position of a high school student in the family is largely determined by the atmosphere prevailing in it. If a teenager feels the love of his parents, they are attentive to him, but not intrusive, then this difficult period of growing up for the child will most likely pass smoothly, without disruptions. And vice versa, if a teenager feels abandoned and useless, then callousness, selfishness, and aggression towards others appear.

If the difficulty in communication between parents and teenagers is obvious, then most likely this is a contradiction between the desire of children to be independent and the desire of parents to see them obedient and dependent, as in childhood. However, this is only the visible part of the iceberg. In fact, during adolescence, “generational” conflicts associated with age distance intensify between parents and children.

The problems that worry a teenager do not represent anything serious for parents, since they have already overcome them and forgotten them. Youth seems to them cloudless and problem-free, that is, an ideal time in which everything is simple and easy. And what is important for parents, what they would like to warn their children about, these children do not care about at all. They are still far from the responsibility of 35-45 year olds, and from experience, hopes, and quests.

Adults and children also disagree about who to be friends with, what profession to choose, whether modern music, cinema, fashion are good, etc. And this is not accidental. My parents grew up in different conditions. They are very busy worrying about their teenage children.

Children behave defiantly. They believe that “ancestors” are people who have everything behind them. They are irritated by the backward tastes of their parents. And close adults become a “mechanism” for ensuring needs and restricting freedom.

As a result, contact and respect are lost. Barricades are built and revolutionary actions take place. This makes everyone uncomfortable. Who should take the first step towards reconciliation? In most cases - parents. They are wiser and have more experience communicating. Adults should always remember that teenagers want to see friends in their parents who will help solve problems of self-awareness and self-determination. It may be impossible to do this on your own; a feeling of hopelessness appears, and not from a lack of information, but from a lack of mutual understanding and sympathy.

Moreover, it is often easier for boys and girls to talk about problems with an adult than with a peer. It is easier to show helplessness, weakness, and insecurity in front of parents. Unless, of course, there is emotional tension in the family. If this tension is present, conflicts cannot be avoided.

Parents!

Remember that you are people too. Give yourself a break. Don't demand the impossible from yourself.

Don’t always try to do “what’s best.” Think about what this might lead to.

Be generous: help your children find common ground with you.

Love each other. Don't be shy to talk about it, learn to express your love in words.

Types of conflicts and ways to overcome them

1. Conflict of unstable parental perception

According to psychologists, often the cause of conflicts between parents and children is “instability of parental perception.” What does it mean? Naturally, the status of a teenager in the family and society has not been established. He is not an adult, but he is no longer a child. The shortcomings at this age are numerous: lack of composure, restlessness, lack of purpose, lack of restraint, etc. The appearance corresponds to these qualities. In general, the teenager is unattractive. At the same time, he sometimes behaves like an adult, that is, he criticizes and demands respect. But sometimes he is like a child - he forgets everything, throws things around, etc.

As a result, positive qualities are underestimated, but imperfections appear. Especially if there is a youngest child in the family - obedient and diligent.

It is necessary for parents to try to understand their conflicting feelings.

We tried to suppress our dissatisfaction and irritation. Objectively assessed the teenager’s strengths and weaknesses. Balanced the system of duties and rights.

2. Dictatorship of parents

The forms of this conflict are varied, but the general formulation is as follows: dictatorship in the family is a method of control in which some family members are suppressed by others. At the same time, of course, independence and self-esteem are suppressed. Parents invade the territory of teenagers, their soul.

Undoubtedly, parents should and can make demands on the child, but it is necessary to make morally justified decisions. According to psychologists, the demanding nature of elders must be combined with trust and respect for children, otherwise demanding behavior turns into brutal pressure and coercion. Parents who influence a teenager with orders and violence will inevitably encounter resistance, which is most often expressed in rudeness, hypocrisy, deception, and sometimes outright hatred. And even if resistance is broken, the victory will turn out to be imaginary, since the child loses his self-esteem, he is humiliated and receives information that can be defined in one expression: “Who is stronger is right.”

Undoubtedly, the authority of parents who ignore the interests and opinions of a teenager, depriving him of the right to vote, is all a guarantee that he will grow up to be a cynic, a boor and a despot. It can, of course, do without serious consequences, but one thing can be said with complete confidence: a son or daughter will turn out to be something that, apparently, the parents never expected. Since there is no positive effect of such upbringing. Therefore, let the teenager hang his jeans wherever he wants in his room. Any person, and especially a person growing up, should have a territory where “entry to outsiders is prohibited.” If an adult easily invades someone else’s territory, into someone else’s soul, the teenager withdraws into himself, is rude, and gets nervous. In any case, it is known that in families where the boundaries of everyone’s personal space are respected, conflicts and quarrels are rare and atypical phenomena. To resolve such conflicts, introduce some simple rules of communication, community rules that must be followed:

Do not enter each other's room without knocking or in the absence of the owner,

Do not touch personal items

Do not eavesdrop on telephone conversations.

It is necessary to leave the teenager the right to choose friends, clothes, music, etc.

Sincerely explain how you feel when you are upset, but do not remember old, long-standing sins, but talk about the current situation. However, never put pressure, physically punish, or humiliate.

3. Peaceful coexistence- hidden conflict

Let us note that the position of non-interference reigns here. The situation looks quite decent. Everyone has their own successes, victories, problems. Nobody crosses the ban. Parents take pride in maintaining such neutrality. They think that such relationships foster independence, freedom, and relaxedness. As a result, it turns out that the family does not exist for the child. At a critical moment - trouble, illness, difficulties - when participation and good feelings are required from him, the teenager will not experience anything, since this will not concern him personally.

This also includes education “without prohibitions.” Parents' installation of children's “freedom” without end and without edge, the elimination of brakes, restrictions and obligations to obey moral duty or elementary rules of communication are detrimental to the formation of personality. This is a tacit permission to do whatever you want. It will lead to the fact that a person brought up in such rules will forget to press the brake when someone gets in the way of realizing his interests and abilities.

Change your communication tactics. Establish a system of prohibitions and become involved in the teenager’s life. Accordingly, help him participate in family life. Create a so-called family council, where many problems of the whole family would be resolved.

4. Custody conflict

In essence, guardianship is care, protection from difficulties, participation. Teenagers in such families can be lacking initiative, submissive, and depressed. They are often excluded from resolving issues that affect them personally and the entire family. The sluggish indifference of a teenager sometimes turns into “dictation of the younger one.”

He commands his parents, forcing them, as they did in childhood, to fulfill all their desires. Often such children appear in families where the child was highly anticipated and was the last hope for happiness.

But the “despotism” of a teenager is much less common. More often than not, this is an obedient child who does not cause parents much trouble during childhood. In adolescence, it is these children who most often “break down” and “revolt” against adults. The form of protest can be different - from cold politeness to active resistance. It depends on the individual.

Parents who unconsciously strive to maintain emotional closeness with their child are doing their children a disservice. Adults, constantly concerned that their child does not encounter family difficulties, so that he does not get tired of everyday worries, raise “mama's boys and daughters.”

These children are unhappy among their peers, they are not ready for the difficulties of life, since no one except their loved ones will “put a straw” on them. Let us note that a person is more often destroyed by excessive care than by problems and adversity. After all, there will still come a time when parents begin to get annoyed by the child’s lack of initiative and dependence.

The conflict will be resolved when the parents try to change their behavior. Do not give up control, without which it is impossible to raise a person, but keep custody to a minimum. Do not demand only the right actions from your child, accept him for who he is.

Help, but don’t try to solve all his problems for him. Encourage communication with peers. Dose guardianship, dose freedom, dose praise and blame - this is one of the ways out in this situation.

Children in such families are raised painstakingly, trying to make child prodigies out of them. They pour cold water over them and teach them languages and music. They notice any mistake, pay attention to it, and punish it with disrespect. They conduct conversations on educational topics without giving them the opportunity to defend their opinions. They do not notice successes and are never praised or encouraged for good deeds. They constantly demand perfection from the child, saying: “But I’m at your age...”. This leads to two types of conflicts:

The child feels insecure, he is overcome by resentment and rage, but the teenager understands that he is powerless. The thought of hopelessness, the meaninglessness of one’s own life appears, (see “Suicide between the ages of 13 and 18”).

Everything is like in war. The strengths of the parties (parents and children) practically become equal: for rudeness - rudeness, for gloating - gloating. If parents have misfortunes, children will not sympathize, they will repay in the same coin.

Change your attitude towards your child. Become more tolerant of teenagers' shortcomings. Try to restore the child's trust and respect for himself. Find and develop in your son or daughter those virtues that are characteristic of their nature. Don't humiliate, but support. Do not enter into endless disputes, do not allow a silent, “cold” war.

And most importantly, assure your child that you will always love him, that you are proud of this and that which is missing in you. Understand that it is difficult for him!

What should I strive for?

Optimal family type: partnership

It is this way of organizing connections between the older and younger generations that seems optimal, and not guardianship, dictatorship or coexistence.

How can this be achieved? If we want our son or daughter to become closer, dearer, then the first rule is do not fence

them from the sorrows and joys of an adult, and make them accomplices of your experiences. And do it directly and boldly, giving accessible explanations. Don't intimidate, don't exaggerate, share your hopes.

Everything should be common: joy, tears, and laughter. Shared experiences, hopes, dreams - all this brings the family together and strengthens it. Let the teenager participate equally in all family councils and decisions. And his behavior will be discussed in the same way. Limits and rewards should be discussed together, where you and the child can express their opinions. Believe me, the decision will be made much easier.

Features of the behavior of adolescents, the main problems of the “difficult age”

Parents need to be aware of the behavior patterns of teenagers and understand the problems that their children face as they grow up. Armed with this knowledge, you can put yourself in the child's shoes and find the right solution in a difficult situation.

Features of adolescence

The emergence of a feeling of “adulthood”. Physical and mental changes that occur with a teenager form a sense of “adulthood” » . It gives rise to new needs. Now the teenager faces a serious problem - he has desires and new needs, but there is no way to satisfy them. For example, a teenager needs freedom, he wants to communicate with friends, but cannot get out of the control of his parents. He strives to establish relationships with the opposite sex, including sexual ones, but is not yet ready for this or his sympathy is not mutual. These contradictions cause a strong intrapersonal conflict, which turns an easy-going child into a rebel teenager and pushes him into conflicts with others.

Negativism or stubbornness. The teenager ignores the requests and demands of his parents or does the opposite. For him, such demonstrative behavior is a way of self-affirmation. Some psychologists consider teenage negativism as a form of protecting the nervous system from rapid changes.

The desire for independence. This is the main motive that drives a growing child. Separation from his parents is a sign that he is developing correctly and in a timely manner. In communicating with parents, a teenager daily probes the line of what is permitted, gradually moving further and further (I will go to bed late today, and tomorrow I will stay late with friends). In this way, he learns what the parents are ready for and where the clear boundaries of what is permitted are.

Standing up for your rights. This teenage feature is a continuation of the previous one. A growing child feels changes in himself associated with growing up. This leads him to believe that the time has come to enjoy the privileges available to adults. In most cases, teenagers fiercely defend their rights - they do not agree with the opinions of their parents, they strive to come and go whenever they want, to go where they see fit, to communicate with whomever they like.

Hormonal surges. Sharp increases in the level of sex hormones and growth hormone lead to irritability, excessive emotionality, headaches, pressure surges, attacks of dizziness, and increased sweating.

Desire to communicate with peers. Friends and acquaintances during this period become the most significant people, their behavior and manners are perceived as a standard. A significant community of people is usually called a reference group. The leaders of the group become authorities, displacing the parents from this place. Recognition of status and respect in the group is the highest goal of everything a teenager does. These changes are not as bad as they seem at first glance - thus, the growing child becomes part of society.

Attraction to the opposite sex. Sympathy, falling in love and interest in the opposite sex are one of the priorities of adolescence. Teenagers master the social role of a man or a woman and learn to build relationships. They strive to experience the feeling of falling in love, are afraid of being rejected and are afraid of reciprocity, because they do not know how to behave in such a case. As a rule, the first feelings are accompanied by strong emotions, embarrassment and stress. Sexual desire during this period is associated with significant surges in sex hormones and can be quite strong.

Finding yourself and testing your capabilities. Teenagers explore what they are capable of in a given situation. For this reason, they often take risks and behave defiantly with peers and adults.

Attention to one's own personality– reflection. The teenager begins to concentrate on his thoughts and feelings. He opens himself, analyzes his emotions and behavior, moral qualities, his reaction to events and other people. Based on these observations, he forms an opinion about himself and compares it with his “ideal”, which was formed on the basis of upbringing, books, films. If he discovers in himself the qualities attributed to the ideal, then this increases his self-esteem. The problem is that self-analysis is not always objective and self-esteem experiences sharp jumps, which affects the behavior of a teenager.

Increased attention to your appearance. Teenagers pay great attention to fashionable clothes, makeup and hairstyle. They always see flaws in their body: “I have a terrible nose and thick legs,” “I’m too thin.” Among teenagers, it is customary to judge a person by his appearance. Therefore, a growing child understands that external attractiveness largely determines whether his peers will accept him and what opinion the group will have about him.

What problems arise during adolescence?

Anxiety. Teenagers have many reasons to be anxious. The main one is fears about how they will be accepted by their peers. Increased anxiety can cause a neurosis-like state and teenage depression.
Fear and shame. Teenagers are ashamed of ordinary things, growing breasts, breaking voices. Often a teenager is afraid to do something for which he will be ashamed - say something stupid to friends, look funny, seem like a child, a mama's boy.
Aggression and anger. They are a side effect of testosterone, the level of which increases significantly in both boys and girls. In addition, negative emotions towards parents are part of the process of separation from them. The closer the relationship with a person, the more difficult it is to separate from him. These emotions are fueled by the internal conflicts that rage in the teenager’s soul.
Diffidence. A growing child does not like himself. He is upset by his appearance, failures in his studies, and discord in his relationship with his parents. And their criticism and claims convince him of his own insignificance. But most of all he fears not being liked by his peers and members of the opposite sex.
Decrease in academic performance and ability to work. During a sharp growth spurt, the skeleton is significantly ahead of the cardiovascular system in development. The cerebral cortex suffers more than other organs from circulatory disorders. The consequences of this are rapid fatigue, decreased concentration and, as a result, memory impairment. Also during puberty, complaints of dizziness, headaches, and fainting occur.
Features of physical and sexual development. The growth spurt and puberty may be delayed by 1-2 years. This is the norm and is associated with heredity and individual characteristics of the body. At puberty, such a “delay” greatly upsets the child himself and causes ridicule from more developed peers. Problems associated with advanced puberty are less common and, as a rule, occur in girls.

Physiological changes and hormonal surges make the child disobedient and daring. This behavior causes misunderstanding and aggression from parents who are trying to “not let themselves get on their necks” and maintain the role of leader in the family. This tactic clashes with the child’s natural and natural desire for independence. On this basis, increasingly complex conflicts inevitably arise.

The main causes of conflicts between adolescents and parents

Function of adolescence– separation of the child from the parents, a kind of re-cutting of the umbilical cord. This is a difficult process, which is difficult for both parties and is never without conflicts, disagreements and disputes. You should not be afraid or avoid them, since conflicts play a significant role in the formation of a teenager’s personality and the manifestation of new character traits. Conflicts teach him to form relationships with people, defend his position and point of view, and build communication with those whose opinions are radically different.
During a dispute, adolescents can choose one of the following lines of behavior: cooperation, compromise, concession, or avoidance of a showdown. Ideally, all conflicts between parents and child should be resolved by compromise (both parties lower their demands and make concessions) or cooperation (the parties forget their differences and solve the problem together). However, in practice, achieving mutual understanding can be difficult; the positions of parents and children differ radically on many issues. Grown-up children are trying to gain more rights and freedoms, and parents are trying to protect them from the dangers and troubles that accompany entry into adulthood.

The main causes of conflicts between teenagers and parents

Fight for freedom. The teenager feels like an adult, sees the changes taking place in his body, and adopts the behavior patterns of older acquaintances. He believes that growing up gives him the right to do what his parents previously forbade. He can start smoking, drinking alcohol and return whenever he sees fit. The parents' reaction is fear for the child, an attempt to protect them from danger and defend their status. As a result - screams, prohibitions, punishments.

A constructive solution to this conflict is to provide the teenager with the freedom and rights for which he is ready: leave him out if he arrives on time, allow him to bring friends in the absence of his parents, if the apartment is in order after they leave. It is important to calmly and firmly explain to the child that he may lose this right if he violates the agreement.

Attention! Before giving freedom, you must be sure that the child has learned the prohibitions (not going to a construction site, not taking someone else’s property, not going with strangers, not taking drugs, etc.) Only in this case will freedom be safe for him.

Disobedience, rudeness and rudeness towards parents. Teenagers deliberately try to devalue the authority of their parents by showing disobedience. Rudeness can have several explanations. First, the teenager understands that the time has come to separate, and it is emotionally easier for him to keep his distance from the person with whom he has a strained relationship. Secondly, parents adhere to a strict parenting style, provide the child with little freedom, humiliate him, not believing in his strengths and talents. In this case, aggression is a natural attempt to protect one’s self-esteem, which at this age is very vulnerable and important for him. Explain to your child that rudeness and rudeness towards you are unacceptable. You can reach an agreement with your parents if you show respect.

Permissiveness, lack of attention from parents. It is important for a teenager to know that he is loved and, if necessary, he is provided with full support from his parents. Also, for psychological comfort, it is important for him to know where the border between “possible” and “impossible” is. Impunity leads to the fact that disobedience and violation of norms become habitual behavior. In adolescents with an unstable psyche due to stress and troubles, a lack of parental attention can provoke a suicide attempt.

Request to purchase something. Things “like others” allow a teenager to join the group and become one of his own. Among teenagers, clothes and gadgets are a sign of status or membership in a subculture. For many teenagers, their presence determines their caste. It is useless for parents to convince their children that external attributes do not play a big role. Understanding this comes with experience. Tell your child that you understand his wishes, but there is no way to fulfill them yet. As a compromise, you can suggest starting to save a certain amount for the purchase.

Communication with “problem” friends. Significant and authoritative people for a teenager do not always deserve the approval of their parents. You can tell your son or daughter about your relationship with this person if you have strong evidence. This does not mean that the child will listen to your words, but he will know about the shortcomings of his idol. An alternative option is to try to change the social circle of the camp, sports sections, studios, master classes. Create conditions for the teenager to make new friends. The more communication experience he has, the faster he will learn to understand people.

Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs. Your child must clearly understand that taking substances is prohibited and will result in punishment. It can be in the form of deprivation of a computer or other privileges, up to “house arrest.”

Decreased academic performance. Middle and high school is a difficult period; not everyone is able to master the program “excellently.” It is also necessary to take into account age-related characteristics (hormonal surges, deterioration of blood circulation in the brain, neurotic behavior). Teenagers of both sexes suffer from decreased attention, creativity and memory loss. In teenage boys, relationships with teachers are aggravated by disobedience, bordering on defiance. You can improve your academic performance by motivating your child to enroll in the university of his choice. If motivation is not enough, then classes with a tutor can help.

Carelessness and refusal to do housework. Adolescents' attention is focused on communicating with peers and comprehensively assessing themselves. They are of little interest in maintaining order; this is a common problem. You can solve it by reaching an agreement with the teenager and regularly reminding him of the order. Over time, maintaining cleanliness will become a habit.

A radical change in appearance. Changing your image is not always approved by parents. For teenagers, piercing, changing their hairstyle and clothing style is a way of self-expression, self-affirmation, an attempt to impress others and to please themselves. Treat your child’s aspirations with understanding, do not be categorical.

How to motivate a teenager

Proper motivation encourages a teenager to study better, help around the house and perform other duties. Psychologists recommend motivating a teenager:

Financially, the amount allocated for pocket expenses.

Buying the thing you want, taking into account the financial capabilities of the parents. For example, a laptop, a trip to the camp.

Providing new rights and freedoms. Permission to go to a club, go on a visit for the night.

Mutual fulfillment of obligations. Agree with your teenager that he fulfills his obligations (study, housework, respectful attitude towards parents, returning home at a set time). You, in turn, take on obligations (to let go, to buy, to allow you to invite friends to your house). Your task is to mutually adhere to this word. If for some reason one of the parties cannot fulfill the obligation, then this must be warned in advance.

Parents can use these bonuses and privileges as positive reinforcement to reward good behavior. Or deprive them as punishment.

Remember that physical punishment, moral humiliation, and ridicule are unacceptable towards a teenager. Tell where and why he is wrong, explain what feelings his action caused. Try to be constructive. A long educational conversation is not perceived by a teenager. Don't yell or let him yell at you. It is better to postpone the conversation for 5-10 minutes to allow the parties to calm down.

The main causes of conflict among adolescents among their peers

Adolescence is a period when a person experiences a vital need for peers and friends. The teenager spends all his free time with his friends, learns to build relationships, make friends and love. These skills will largely determine his lifestyle in the future. However, at this time conflicts with peers occur most often. The fact is that it is not enough for a teenager to simply communicate. It is important for him to obtain a status in the group that will satisfy him. He strives to occupy one of the “positions”: leader, authority, best friend, specialist in something, “soul of the company,” first beauty, etc. The higher a growing child evaluates his capabilities and talents, the higher status he aspires to.

It happens that in a group several people apply for one role. In this case, the conflict of interests develops into a conflict between individuals. Further events develop depending on upbringing, aggressiveness, family situation and temperament of the participants. For example, with a high level of intellectual development, adolescents have less conflict. They are able to negotiate and compromise. The teenager who was unable to achieve what he wanted may be content with a lower status, continue to fight, or try his hand at another group.

Causes of conflicts among adolescents among peers

The teenager becomes the target of bullying. As a rule, the victims are quiet, calm children who cannot stand up for themselves and fight back the offender. The reasons for bullying can be various, even the most insignificant, situational. Most often, bullying is associated with the child’s difference from others:

Belonging to another race;
Features of appearance – red hair, protruding ears;
Developmental features – short or tall stature, thinness, obesity, early puberty in girls;
Unusual hobbies – playing ancient musical instruments;
Family situation – single-parent family, adopted child;
Social status – children from low-income families;
Underachievement or excellent academic performance.

This type of conflict is often accompanied by physical violence and has no easy solution. It is necessary to teach a child to stand up for himself - to increase his self-confidence, to help him master self-defense skills. The conflict disappears if the offender receives a worthy rebuff, switches his attention to another object, or leaves the group. As practice shows, conversations and punishments towards the aggressor have the opposite effect. If the conflict situation drags on, parents are advised to transfer the child to another team.

Competition, struggle for status in the group. In this way, strong personalities interact more often. The fight can be waged for:

Attention from a person of the opposite sex;
Location of teachers or section leaders;
For status in the company.
Competition, as a rule, has a positive effect on the formation of a teenager’s personality. Psychologists do not recommend parents to interfere in relationships between peers.
The teenager deliberately opposes himself to his peers. This happens if:

The teenager considers himself to be a member of some subculture - goths, emo, punks, roller skaters;
The teenager demonstrates a non-traditional sexual orientation;
Significant divergence of interests;
Expressed religiosity.

Demonstrating your beliefs and character deserves respect. The parent’s task is to explain that it is necessary to demonstrate one’s point of view without hostility and with respect for other members of the group. It’s good if a teenager has the opportunity to communicate more with like-minded people.
Falling in love and communication between the sexes. In the absence of experience in solving such delicate problems, falling in love often becomes the cause of strong feelings and conflicts. Communication with the opposite sex is significantly complicated by surges of sex hormones.

Competition for the attention of a person of the opposite sex;
Jealousy;
Unrequited love;
A break up;
Protest of parents against the chosen one.

Support your teen who is feeling in love. Be an attentive listener. In your statements, be tactful and respectful of his experiences. Warn your teenager about the consequences of early sexual intercourse. Explain that unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are common consequences of sexual intercourse. Tell your son or daughter how to avoid them. Parents of teenage boys should teach them respect for girls to prevent charges of attempted rape.
The main causes of conflicts between teenagers and teachers

Feeling his growing up, the teenager claims a status equal to that of a teacher. The modern school gives a dominant position to the teacher and the students have an inferior status. Arguing with the teacher, shouting from the seat, ignoring and disobedience are forms of protest of a teenager against the established system.

The causes of conflicts between teenagers and teachers are:

Lack of respect for the teacher. The teenager finds the presentation of the material boring, and the teacher is not an authority for him. This can happen due to the low qualifications of the teacher or the high preparation of the student. If a teenager demonstrates his position in class, in front of other students, this will inevitably lead to conflict.

Discipline at school. A teenager behaves inappropriately in class or during recess; this may be an attempt to strengthen his status among his peers by confronting the teacher. Damages school property, skips classes, behaves aggressively towards other students - this may be an expression of internal conflicts.

Poor homework performance refusal to work in class.

Teacher's attempt to resolve conflict between students when the teacher takes the position of one of the parties.

Unfair attitude of the teacher. Biased assessment of knowledge and rudeness on the part of the teacher offend the teenager.

Inappropriate appearance of a student. Ignoring the requirements for appearance, school uniform, and bright makeup are ways of self-expression that are considered unacceptable in most schools.
In practice, conflicts at school occur both through the fault of adolescents and teachers. In most cases, teenagers and teachers name different reasons for the conflict and everyone is confident that they are right. For example, a teacher is outraged that a student disrupted a lesson, and a teenager thinks that the student explained things poorly and uninterestingly and was rude.
An “ideal” teacher should be able to present material and maintain discipline in the classroom, be objective and be able to extinguish conflicts at the stage of their emergence. However, in practice, not many succeed. If the school conflict drags on, talk to the teacher. Do not conflict, but try to calmly find out his position. Remember that by your behavior you are showing your child a model for constructive conflict resolution.

How can parents help a teenager in a conflict situation?

Teenagers have a very difficult time dealing with conflicts, be it disagreements with peers, teachers or parents. Despite their aggression and prickliness, they are very vulnerable. Serious conflicts provoke stress, neuroses, depression, and sometimes suicide attempts. Based on this, loved ones should know how to help a teenager who is worried about a conflict situation.

How to help a teenager

Offer to talk and listen silently. Give your son or daughter as much time as you need. Make eye contact, don't listen while you're running. Show respect as you would an adult interlocutor. If your child does not receive respect and recognition from you, it will alienate you from each other.
Don't point out your child's mistakes. Most likely, he already realized that he was wrong, and now he is tormented by remorse. Your main task is to alleviate his condition and strengthen his faith in himself. Save the moralizing for another conversation in a calm atmosphere.
Exercise active listening skills. “I see you're upset. I'm sorry." "You're angry. You have a reason for this. I would be angry too." You shouldn’t say: “These are trifles. Do not take to heart". In this case, the teenager will get the impression that he is not understood, and he is wasting his time talking.
Don't use information your child tells you against him or her.. Don’t make fun of it, don’t remember it in future conflicts, don’t retell it to other people. Otherwise, the teenager will stop telling you his secrets.
Ask him what he thinks about this and what he plans to do. Perhaps at this stage the teenager realizes that the problem is not as significant as it initially seemed. This will help find a way out of this situation.
Give the right to choose. The child should feel that you are consulting with him and he has the right to decide. At the same time, offer options that are acceptable to all parties.
Don't force your help. An older child will not accept unsolicited advice. It is unlikely that he will do it your way, even if you offer the ideal option. Just assure that you will be there in any case and your son or daughter can always count on you.
Make a compromise, offer mutually beneficial options. Make it clear that mutual concessions will help find a solution that will satisfy both sides of the conflict.
Instill in your teenager confidence in his own strength. Praise him for his successes, notice his merits, convince him that he is the best, no matter what happens. Don’t ask him to be perfect; no one has ever succeeded in doing that. Teach him that it is not scary to make mistakes, it is important to learn a lesson from each mistake and draw a conclusion in order to prevent its repetition.
Teach yourself not to compare yourself to others. There is always someone around a teenager who is superior to him in some respects. This shouldn't make him depressed. Explain that each person is unique and has a special set of qualities. Ask what your child wants to improve about himself. Together, make a plan on how to achieve this: training, tutors, regular classes. Write down an action plan and encourage your teenager to achieve the goal on their own. Check regularly to see how things are going.
Prevent self-blame and self-punishment. Constantly support your teenager's self-confidence, convince him that even if he made a mistake, he is still the best and everything will work out.
Be friendly and respectful to his friends. Ask about common interests and character traits. Encourage communication by phone and on social media. Allow them to bring friends to visit and do not interfere with communication.
Expand your range of interests. Encourage to attend clubs and sections. By playing sports or art, a growing child can express himself. He has another area where he can achieve success, which means strengthening his self-esteem. In addition, this is an opportunity to communicate. It is important that the teenager does what he really likes. Encourage sports and any physical activity. Play sports together, buy a gym membership.
Motivate good behavior. Praise, thank, give small gifts so that the child sees your good attitude towards him. Pay special attention when your child voluntarily performs responsibilities that you did not delegate to him. This is a manifestation of responsibility and good attitude towards you.
Hug. A teenager needs physical contact just like a child. Before you hug, ask permission. Don't lisp or be sarcastic while hugging.
If all the measures taken do not help relieve the teenager from the stress associated with the conflict, then it is necessary to seek professional psychological help.
Be patient. Remember that adolescence is a temporary phenomenon. Soon your child will begin to show you love and respect again. Help him get through this difficult stage, be there and be ready to help.

The concept of conflict. Psychological factors of conflicts in the interaction between parents and children. Features of teenage conflicts, their types

Conflicts occupy a significant place in our daily lives. This is normal and natural. They even say that conflict is the engine of development. Conflict (from Latin Conflictus - clash) is a lack of agreement between two or more parties, which can be specific individuals or groups. Each side does everything to ensure that its point of view and goal are accepted, and prevents the other side from doing the same.

When people think about conflict, they most often associate it with aggression, threats, arguments, hostility, etc. As a result, there is an opinion that conflict is always an undesirable phenomenon, that it should be immediately resolved as soon as it arises. But in many situations, conflict helps bring out a diversity of points of view, provides additional information, and helps identify more alternatives or problems. The English sociologist E. Giddens gave the following definition of conflict: “By conflict I mean a real struggle between active people or groups, regardless of the origins of this struggle, its methods and means mobilized by each side.” This position is most clearly presented in the works of German sociologists G. Simmel, R. Dahrendorf and the American sociologist L. Coser. The main position of G. Simmel's theory of conflict is that conflict, although it is one of the forms of disagreement, at the same time represents a socializing force that unites the warring parties and contributes to the stabilization of society. L. Coser in his classic work “Functions of Social Conflicts” emphasized that conflict carries not only a destructive (destructive) function, it contains great positive potential.

P. A. Sorokin pointed out the connection between the conflict and the satisfaction of people's needs. In his opinion, the source of conflicts lies in the suppression of basic human needs, without the satisfaction of which he cannot exist, first of all, the needs for food, clothing, housing, self-preservation, self-expression, creativity, freedom. At the same time, he emphasized that it is not the needs themselves that are important, but also the means of satisfying them, access to appropriate activities, which is determined by the social organization of society.

There are several types of conflicts:

1. Intrapersonal conflict

2. Interpersonal conflict

3. Intergroup

4. Between the individual and the group

5. Social conflict

Intrapersonal conflict.

Here, the participants in the conflict are not people, but various psychological factors of the individual’s inner world, which often seem or are incompatible: needs, motives, values, feelings, etc.

Internally, personality conflicts associated with working in an organization can take various forms. One of the most common forms is role conflict, when a person’s different roles make conflicting demands on him

Interpersonal conflict.

This is the most common type of conflict. Conflict between the individual and the group. Informal groups establish their own standards of behavior and communication. Each member of such a group must comply with them. The group views deviations from accepted norms as a negative phenomenon, and a conflict arises between the individual and the group.

Intergroup conflict.

An organization consists of many formal and informal groups, between which conflicts can arise. For example, between management and performers, between employees of different departments, between informal groups within departments, between the administration and the trade union.

Social conflict is “a situation when the parties (subjects) of interaction pursue some of their goals that contradict or mutually exclude each other.” Social conflict is a complex phenomenon that includes several aspects. But it is the presence of warring parties with their own needs, interests and goals that is the basis of the conflict, its center line.

So what type of conflict can be attributed to conflicts between parents and adolescents? The answer is very simple - This is an interpersonal conflict.

Why do conflicts arise between parents and children? Psychological factors of conflicts in the interaction between parents and children are identified.

1. Type of intrafamily relationships. There are harmonious and disharmonious types of family relationships. In a harmonious family, a fluid balance is established, which manifests itself in the design of the psychological roles of each family member, the formation of a family “We”, and the ability of family members to resolve contradictions.

Family disharmony is the negative nature of marital relations, expressed in the conflictual interaction of spouses. The level of psychological stress in such a family tends to increase, leading to neurotic reactions of its members and a feeling of constant anxiety in children.

2. Destructiveness of family education. The following features of destructive types of education are distinguished:

Disagreements between family members on issues of education;

Contradiction, inconsistency, inadequacy;

Guardianship and prohibitions in many areas of children's lives;

Increased demands on children, frequent use of threats and condemnations.

3. Age-related crises of children are considered as factors of their increased conflict. The age crisis is a transition period from one stage of child development to another. During critical periods, children become disobedient, capricious, and irritable. They often come into conflict with others, especially with their parents. They develop a negative attitude towards previously fulfilled requirements, reaching the point of stubbornness. The following age-related crises of children are distinguished:

First year crisis (transition from infancy to early childhood);

The “three-year-old” crisis (the transition from early childhood to preschool age);

Crisis of 6-7 years (transition from preschool to primary school age);

Crisis of puberty (transition from primary school to adolescence - 12-14 years);

Adolescent crisis 15-17 years old (D. Elkonin).

4. Personal factor. Among the personal characteristics of parents that contribute to their conflicts with children are a conservative way of thinking, adherence to outdated rules of behavior and bad habits (drinking alcohol, etc.), authoritarian judgments, orthodoxy of beliefs, etc. Among the personal characteristics of children are such as low academic performance, violations of the rules of behavior, ignoring the recommendations of parents, as well as disobedience, stubbornness, selfishness and egocentrism, self-confidence, laziness, etc. Thus, the conflicts in question can be presented as the result of mistakes made by parents and children.

The most complex is the relationship between conflict and crisis. Crisis means a fixed in experience and action discrepancy or insufficiency of available resources to a new situation.

Is adolescence necessarily a crisis and what factors - biological, social or biographical - determine the content and nature of the course of adolescence?

At this age, rapid psychophysical development and restructuring of the child’s social activity occur. American psychologist Stanley Hall believed that the period from 8-12 years - pre-adolescence, corresponds to the end of savagery, the beginning of civilization; and adolescence (12-13 years old), covers the period from the onset of puberty to adulthood (22-25 years old) and is equivalent to the Romantic era.

The German philosopher and psychologist Eduard Spranger divides adolescence into two phases:

· the main problem for 14-17 year olds is a crisis associated with the desire to free themselves from childhood relationships of dependence;

· among 17-21 year olds, the crisis of isolation and the feeling of loneliness come to the fore.

Age. During this period itself, the teenager does not have a clear sense of “Who is he?” He no longer feels like a child, but he doesn’t feel like an adult either. Here too, conflicts arise in how different ideas about the adult can be tried.

Social. A teenager needs to take a certain place in society in his reference group. But because the adult is also important: his recognition and understanding of the standards by which adults live in this world are important to him. What suits him now and what doesn’t. There are a number of reasons behind the conflict with the adult world. Usually they are the following: contradictions between the children's norm, which the child must assimilate, and the adult norms, which he needs to be guided by as an adult, adults' rejection of the fact of the child growing up, treating him as a child, which is the reason for the child's reorientation towards his peers, among which he receives the necessary respect for his maturing personality.

Psychologists identify the following types of conflicts between adolescents and parents:

conflict of instability of parental relationship (constant change of criteria for assessing the child);

conflict of over-care (excessive care and over-expectations);

conflict of disrespect for the rights to independence (totality of instructions and control);

Typically, a child responds to the claims and conflicting actions of his parents with such reactions (strategies) as:

Reaction of the opposition (demonstrative actions of a negative nature);

Refusal reaction (failure to comply with parental demands);

Isolation reaction (the desire to avoid unwanted contacts with parents, hiding information and actions).

There is virtually no social or psychological aspect of adolescent behavior that does not depend on family conditions in the present or in the past. In the complex tangle of interactions between parents and children, they often do not take into account the very pubertal crisis of adolescents, when everything that is established changes:

· having lost previous interests and not acquiring new ones, the teenager loses contact with the environment and may feel lonely;

· physical maturity gives a feeling of maturity, and social status does not change either in the family or at school;

· parents are not consistent: when preparing their child for adulthood, they miss this moment;

· the main experience becomes the search for moral values, the meaning of life, and moral authorities. Will they always be the parents?

The role of conflicts in adolescence is quite large. As at any other age, adolescent conflicts have both positive and negative outcomes.

Regarding the positive role of interpersonal conflict in adolescence, it can be noted that conflicts are necessary for personality development, as mentioned above. Only by overcoming a conflict situation, resolving a conflict, contradiction, internal or external, does an individual reach a new stage of his development.

A possible negative result of interpersonal conflicts both with adults and with peers, along with malnutrition, lack of sleep, emotional coldness of people close to the teenager and a feeling of uselessness, abandonment, along with a feeling of being superfluous in the family or society (group), can be identified as an aggravation of relationships with everyone adults, including teachers (if the conflict occurred with parents or other close people), the formation of a negative attitude towards educational activities and towards school as a whole. These reasons lead to an increase in hostile relationships with the immediate environment, including peers, creating a situation of chronic psychological distress, which, in turn, affects the mental and physical state, leading to neuroses or, in extreme cases, suicide.

An adult’s neglect of a teenager’s new level of self-awareness and ignoring his most important needs aggravates the conflict situation in which the teenager lives. Psychological discomfort in the classroom, tense relationships with teachers, and then with parents, contribute to the fact that negative forms of behavior are reinforced and can turn into character traits. In addition, deformation of relationships with others inevitably leads to a decrease in the adolescent’s cognitive activity. A general negative attitude towards school and educational activities in general may arise.

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Twelve-year-old Sonya and her mother were arguing over who should clean Sonya's room. The mother believed that this was her daughter’s responsibility, but she said that she would not clean her room.

What's going on between Sonya and her mother? Mother wants Sonya to be responsible for her room; however, she says this in a tone that puts Sonya on the defensive. On the other hand, every time Sonya begins to defend herself, the mother becomes more and more “deaf.” The conflict is deepening. How can Sonya and her mother solve it? How to resolve contradictions so that everyone wins? We need to learn to find alternatives; it is no coincidence that we live in a world of constant compromises and negotiations. Finding an alternative means being able to resolve the conflict between parents and child in such a way that everyone feels better and understands the essence of the contradiction. It involves reaching mutual agreement.

Parents must first remember that looking for alternatives is different from “giving” advice and instructions such as “Do this”, “I think you should...”. Such advice is useless for the following reasons:

Advice only makes the child more dependent on the parent. It does not help the child learn to solve problems and gain independence;

Often a child is skeptical about an adult’s advice and does not like being told what to do and how to do it. On the contrary, he strives to join in the discussion of the problem;

The question arises, who is to blame if parental advice does not work, the child or the parent?

Teaching a child to find alternatives means helping him choose the best course of action and accepting responsibility for carrying out the decision.

There are certain stages in finding an alternative:

1. Definition of a contradiction or problem.

2. Development of alternative solutions.

3. Thinking and evaluating alternative solutions.

4. Selecting an alternative and implementing a solution.

5. Determining a point in the future when progress can be assessed.

Although, at first glance, all this may seem very simple in practical application, there are nevertheless a number of key points that need to be understood before you start using this scheme. Sit down with your child and explain the process of finding alternative solutions and how they can help resolve conflicts. It must be remembered that each participant in the conflict is a person; therefore, everyone must be treated with dignity and respect.

Contradictions are successfully resolved when everyone understands what exactly all stages of the process include. Using all the indicated stages of resolving parent-child conflict, the parent will be able to avoid many other problems associated with the conflict. Although some conflicts resolve on their own, and others are easily overcome without going through all the stages, we still recommend that parents and the child understand what exactly is included in each stage.

Stage 1. Definition of a contradiction or problem.

1. The parent must be sure that the moment chosen to search for an alternative is successful for both himself and the child. A child, like everyone else, is offended if he is cut off or rejected.

2. A parent should not be afraid to say, “What happened is a problem, and I want you to help solve it.” You must adhere to the following goals and rules:

a) tell it like it is. If you as a parent feel strong on this point, it makes sense that you should be the one to approach the child with the question;

b) avoid accusations that only force the child to defend himself and reduce the chances of resolving the contradiction;

c) using joint actions; The parent should let the child understand that they must unite in finding a solution in which no one will be disadvantaged and which requires a “meeting” between the child and the parent. It is important that the child believes that the parent sincerely wants his help and respects his ideas.

The first stage of searching for alternatives must be successfully completed before the other four stages are attempted. In some cases, this stage turns out to be very simple, for example, when choosing clothes. The problem is clear: “Which dress should I buy?” The problem “Does Sonya need a new dress?” becomes less clear. There is a possible contradiction here: “Does she need a new dress more than new shoes?” or “Does she need more new dresses or more training sessions that cost money?”

Stage 2. Search and development of alternative solutions. This stage will require the child and parent to analyze different decisions. To start brainstorming, the parent can suggest: “What exactly should we analyze? What ideas do you have about our problem?” or "Two heads are better than one. I'll bet you and I will come up with some good ideas." To help find a solution to the problem, try to keep the following key points in mind:

Let your child come up with his own solutions first. You will take your opportunity later;

Give your child enough time to think about his suggestions, especially if he is still young;

Be open, avoid judging, judging or belittling the child’s proposed solutions;

Avoid statements that create in the child the belief that you will not accept any of the solutions he proposes;

Support the child, especially in cases where several children are involved in the search for alternatives;

Brainstorm until you are sure that it will not be possible to “squeeze out” new alternatives. As a rule, people generate the maximum number of ideas in the first 5-10 minutes.

Stage 3. Research, thinking, evaluating alternative solutions.

This stage involves exploring and evaluating solutions that appear to resolve the controversy or problem. All possible alternatives are played out in the imagination, as well as the consequences of the decision made.

It is very important at this stage that the parent includes the child in thinking and evaluating various decisions. A parent might say, “What do we think about the decisions we came to?” or: “Can any solution be said to be better than others?”

This phrase may be called the "weeding out" phrase. Decisions are discarded, leaving only those that are acceptable to the child and parent. The parent must honestly express their feelings about the decision. This can be done with statements such as “I wouldn't be very happy with this option” or “I don't feel like this meets my needs” or “That doesn't seem fair to me.”

Stage 4. Selecting an alternative and implementing a solution. Selecting an alternative and implementing a solution will be easier if the remaining stages of exploring alternatives have been completed and there has been an open and honest exchange of views between parent and child. To choose the best alternative, remember the following:

1. Ask questions like "Do you think this will lead us to a solution? Will this solution satisfy everyone? Does this solve our problem?"

2. Solutions are not specified. No decision should be considered final or subject to change. A parent might say to a child, “Sounds good, let's try it and see if this solves our problems?” or "I'd like to try this. How about you?"

3. Write down the decision on paper, especially if it includes a number of points, so that no one is forgotten.

4. Everyone involved must understand that everyone has a role to play in finding a solution. To sum it up, you might say, “We seem to be in agreement” or “I think it is clear to me that we are willing to be...”.

It should be clear to all participants in the discussion what exactly is required of them and how mutual agreement can be reached. They should constantly address the questions: “Who?”, “What?”, “Where?”, “How?”. For example: "Who is responsible for what? When will we start and when will we finish? Where will all this happen? How will all this be carried out?"

Conflicts regarding housework and work "responsibilities" can be resolved by asking questions such as: "How often? On what days? What are the evaluation criteria." In bedtime conflicts, parent and child can discuss who should keep time, what happens if the child doesn't go to bed on time, or why the child doesn't want to go to bed.

Implementation issues should be discussed only after all participants in the discussion have finally expressed their views on solving the problem. Implementation is usually easier when differences of opinion are resolved.

Stage 5. Choosing the right moment to evaluate the correctness of the decision made.

This stage, which is often forgotten, is actually very important because not all decisions are in the best interests of everyone - parent or child. Therefore, both the child and the parent need to go back and consider how things are going, how well the chosen solution satisfies everyone. The child often agrees to a decision that later turns out to be difficult to implement. It is necessary to check with each other, asking: "How is the implementation of the decision going? Do you still consider it satisfactory?" Sometimes, during the assessment stage, new information appears that requires a revision of the original decision. Evaluation is an important part of the process of finding alternatives. The evaluation will show how successful the solution found was and whether any correction is necessary.

Attitudes play an important role in the process of searching for alternatives. Both parent and child must:

Want to hear your partner;

Want to resolve the conflict;

Understand and, if possible, accept your partner’s feelings;

Trust that the other person can also find a good solution;

Look at another person as an independent person, with special feelings.

Behaviors that promote understanding, empathy, trust and acceptance include:

Eye contact (look at your partner, but do not stare at him);

Body language (natural, relaxed, open gestures and postures). This includes your own demeanor, expressing a desire to resolve the conflict;

Listening attentively to your partner, not so much relating to what he says, but supporting him and encouraging him to continue and explain his thoughts and feelings.

Why does the alternatives exploration method work? The process of exploring alternatives appears to be effective in resolving parent-child conflicts for the following reasons.

1. The child has a motive to find and implement a solution.

2. There is a chance to find the best solution.

3. The child’s thinking abilities develop.

4. The democratic philosophy of parents leads to the best results.

5. Harmony and love arise among family members.

6. The parent's tendency to coerce weakens.

7. The need for a show of force on both the part of the parent and the child is eliminated.

8. Exploring alternatives addresses the real problems of the people involved. While there may be times when the alternatives research method will not work, make sure you go through every step of the process without missing a beat. If, despite everything, a solution is not found, it is useful to keep in mind the following.

1. Continue the discussion, but take a break. Sometimes after a break people have new ideas about both the problem itself and ways to solve it.

2. Go back to stage 2 and look for other possible solutions.

3. Encourage yourself and others in the discussion. One might ask: “Have we found all possible solutions?”

4. Look for the hidden problem. You may say: “That’s strange, what is preventing us from solving the problem?”

Typically, one or more of the proposed paths lead to a solution to the deadlock.

The parent should keep in mind that at first the agreements reached may be violated for the following reasons.

1. The agreement turned out to be difficult to implement.

2. Lack of experience, self-discipline or self-regulation in implementing the plan.

3. The existing dependence of one party to the conflict on the other can also become an obstacle to its resolution.

4. Forgetfulness.

5. An attempt to test the true interest of another participant.

6. One of the participants in the discussion only pretends to agree with the proposed solution, because he wants to do something else.

If the agreement is broken, the culprit needs to be shown directly and honestly what happened. This must be done as quickly as possible. This is a form of logical consequence.

The process of exploring alternatives will only work if both parent and child understand what is required of them.

When building a relationship with your child, it is important to have the ability to listen, respond and explore alternatives. The main goal of each of these skills is to create a child's sense of usefulness and competence. To do this, it is necessary to analyze the question “Who owns the problem?”

In parent-child relationships, as in any other, not everything goes smoothly. Sometimes problems and contradictions arise. You need to be prepared for the fact that such a moment will come and treat it as a normal phenomenon with which the parent and child know how to work constructively.

The first question that a parent must decide when any problem arises is the question of whose problem it is.

Sometimes the problem belongs only to the child or only to the parent, other times it is shared between both depending on what one of them wants to achieve from the other, or the problem may concern the family as a whole.

In order for you, as a parent, to determine the “owner” of the problem, you need to ask yourself:

Whose problem is this?

For whom is it difficult?

Who can't achieve their goal?

What will help us figure out whether the child is the “owner” of the problem, or whether there is no relationship problem at all, or whether the “owner” is the parent?

1. A child has a problem due to the fact that his need is not satisfied. This is not a parental problem, because the child does not in any way interfere with the parents with his behavior. Here are examples of problems that belong to a child: Sveta feels that her friend Anya is rejecting her. Dima is not doing very well at school. Petya is upset that he was unable to form a football team.

2. The child's personal needs are met, but the child's behavior prevents the parent from meeting his own needs. Therefore, the parent has a problem. Here are examples of parental problems: Tanya jumps on the sofa; Lida interrupts you when you are talking with friends; Borya scatters his toys all over the house.

Parent, beware! Too often, parents mistakenly believe that all their children’s problems are also their parents’ problems. This is incorrect and even harmful for the child. In fact, by acting in accordance with such ideas, the parent deprives the child of the opportunity to try his hand at solving the problem.

Remember that the child has the right to find solutions to problems and solve them himself.

Once the parent decides who exactly owns the problem, several paths will be open to him or her. For example, if the problem belongs to the child, the parent can choose what to do:

Listen carefully;

Look for alternatives;

Provide the child with the opportunity to face the consequences of his independence;

Combine the above. If the problem belongs to the parent, he may resort to independent research into alternatives.

Remember that a responsible parent must be able to determine who owns the problem; he experiences satisfaction by choosing adequate behavior leading to the emergence of mutual trust.

Conflict - clash or struggle, hostile attitude.
Conflict between parents and children often arises from the parents’ inability to correctly set boundaries.
Children cannot indulge their parents in everything, since each person is individual and has the right to his own point of view.

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Family is the most important value in the lives of many people living in modern society. Each member of society, in addition to social status, ethnicity, property and financial status, from the moment of birth until the end of life has such a characteristic as family and marital status. For a child, a family is an environment in which the conditions for his physical, mental, emotional, and intellectual development are directly formed.

There are disagreements in the family, and this is natural. After all, a man and a woman with individual mental differences, unequal life experiences, different worldviews, and interests come together to live together; later, adults and children - representatives of three generations - were included in the orbit of family relationships. And there may be conflicting opinions on a variety of issues, from where to spend a day off or vacation, to which university to enroll your son or daughter in.

A pressing problem in modern society is the conflict between parents and children.

Conflict is always a complex and multifaceted socio-psychological phenomenon

Conflict, as a rule, is generated not by one, but by a complex of reasons.

Parents always strive to impose on their child a certain line of behavior that is most consistent with their principles and ideals, but such a policy does not often lead to the desired result.

Conflicts between parents and children often arise from the parents’ inability to correctly set boundaries. The child simply needs to understand where the boundaries of what is permitted are and where the boundaries of his own responsibility for words and actions lie.If parents do not know how to say “no” to their son or daughter, experience difficulties and cannot properly reward their child for constructive behavior, this encourages children to break prohibitions and ignore rules again and again. Boundaries are very important for creating a sense of security.
"No and Don't" come in different colors:

“Red” bans that are not discussed, simply not allowed, that’s all! Tough, definitely, always like that.
“Orange” they can be discussed, explained, weighed all the pros and cons.
“Yellow” from the series “I wouldn’t want to, I’ll be very worried, it’s not very useful for you”
“Green” - “decide for yourself”

The problem of mutual understanding between parents and children arises at an early stage of upbringing.
In the classical psychoanalysis of S. Freud, the influence of parents on the mental development of the child is given a central place. In the first years of a child's life, parents (and especially the mother) are those with whom the most important early experiences are associated. Parents' normal, everyday child care activities have important psychological effects.

Mother's love is unconditional: the child is loved simply because he is. Fatherly love for the most part is conditional love, it is necessary and, what is important, can be earned by achievements, fulfillment of duties, order in affairs, compliance with expectations, discipline.

Then the child goes to school, and now adults try to force children to be responsible. Lessons, preparation for various school events - all this is now primarily children's concern. Parents are trying to take on the role of a strict judge, evaluating the final While the children were in kindergarten, parents tried to control every step. Now it’s as if the computer program has been changed: “You’re big now..”

The problem is that this is not the best time for a child to be baptized into independence. The first few years of school are a time when parents need to be especially attentive, understanding and patient in order to help their child build new relationships with teachers and classmates. Moreover, it is very important to try not to be protective, because this will make an infantilism out of the child. Everyone knows that excessive care and guardianship rarely leads to good results: the child is deprived of the opportunity to think independently, make decisions and achieve his goals without outside help. Blind, unreasonable maternal love “kills” the child.
And few people think about the fact that children with age can surpass their parents in strength and experience.

By caring for children, parents, among other things, cover their own interests.
Because of this educational policy, teenagers’ desire to prove their relevance leads to the opposite effect. The child begins to move away, especially since the eternal oohs and sighs drive him crazy. Any clash with parents begins to cause irritation

Adolescence is a time when all family members are tested for social, personal and family maturity. It occurs with crises and conflicts. During this period, all hidden contradictions come to the surface. Adolescence is the age when the desire for freedom exceeds all permitted “standards”

This is where the teenager begins to separate from his parents and confront them. The child may become rude, harsh, and criticize parents and other adults.

In modern psychology, styles of family relationships are divided into three main ones: liberal, authoritarian and democratic.
The first of them usually manifests itself in the family as the absence of all relationships and is characterized by the detachment and alienation of the members of the family union from each other, their complete indifference to the affairs and feelings of the other.

Authoritarian - characterized by the peremptory and unceremonious attitude of family members, their cruelty, aggression, dictatorship, callousness and coldness towards each other. In such systems of relationships, the desire for freedom becomes an end in itself for the child, i.e. freedom for the sake of being able to demonstrate your freedom. So a kind of “Mutiny on the Ship” arises in the family. Finally, the democratic form of relationships presupposes cooperation, mutual assistance, a developed culture of feelings and emotions, as well as true and complete equality of all participants in the family union. In families where there are trusting relationships between family members, the period of growing up is relatively calm.
Most families partially use, or will use, the methods of raising their parents on their children (copying family relationships)

Options for solving the problem of conflict relationships between parents and children:

It is necessary for a person to be able to express emotions, incl. and aggression not on living people, but on something else.

Self-esteem, a person is treated the way he allows himself to be treated.

Control over the younger generation of society, family well-being; initially improve upbringing in the family.

Try to extinguish dissatisfaction and irritation within yourself.

Balance the system of responsibilities and rights.

Introduce some simple rules of communication, community rules that must be followed. For example: do not enter each other’s room without knocking or in the absence of the owner, do not touch personal belongings, do not eavesdrop on telephone conversations, etc.

It is necessary to leave the teenager the right to choose friends, clothes, music, etc.

Sincerely explain how you feel when you are upset, but do not remember old, long-standing sins, but talk about your current situation. However, never put pressure, physically punish, or humiliate.

Create a so-called family council, where many problems of the whole family would be resolved.

Do not demand from each other only the right actions, remember that everyone makes mistakes.

Become more tolerant of each other's shortcomings.

Don't humiliate, but support.

Do not enter into endless disputes, and do not allow a silent, “cold” war.

Assure the child that he will always be loved.

We need to strive for this type of family as a partnership. It is this way of organizing connections between the older and younger generations that seems optimal.

Do not protect children from the sorrows and joys of an adult, but make them accomplices in family experiences. And do it directly and boldly, giving accessible explanations. Don't intimidate, don't exaggerate, share your hopes. Everything should be common: joy, tears, and laughter.
Let the teenager participate equally in all family councils and decisions. And his behavior will be discussed in the same way. Limits and rewards should be discussed together, where you and the child can express their opinions. Believe me, the decision will be made much easier.

In this way, the relationship between parents and children will improve. This will smooth out conflict situations and improve the psychological atmosphere in the family.