Our expert - psychotherapist Tatyana Nikitina.
Belated epiphany
“Suddenly” no one leaves. In the heat of the moment, after a quarrel, at the peak of emotions, a man grabs a jacket and runs to a friend, a woman collects a bag and goes to her parents. In fact, such couples do not even think of dispersing - the percentage of reunions after such "family hurricanes" is very high. As you know, “darlings scold - they only amuse themselves”: the ties between them not only do not collapse, but also become stronger. The main thing is not to turn this into a system.
The most unfavorable according to forecasts (that is, putting an end to family life or existing relationships) departures are not made in haste, but only on a sober, cold head. The decision has matured, all the pros and cons have been weighed, and an escape plan has been prepared. It remains the case for small things - to inform the now former half.
Often, psychotherapists hear the same phrase from these same “former” ones: “After all, everything was fine with us, what did he (she) lack?”
These words are repeated by an experienced housewife with a long history of family life, and a young spoiled lady, and a malicious jealous man, and a faithful husband, and a loving father. By the way, Anna Karenina's husband, who considered himself one of the latter, was sincerely surprised by his wife's ingratitude and asked himself the same question, not even realizing that his wife considers him a "machine" and she lacks such a small thing as ... Love. This textbook example once again proves how far people living nearby can be far from each other. What for one is earthly happiness, for another is whim, licentiousness, something unworthy of attention.
We have to admit: parting does not happen due to the short-term insanity of one of the partners. There are weighty reasons for that, which for the time being the other half simply does not know. Alas, the one who does not listen enough to his partner and does not try to understand him (or he simply has no time, or maybe he is not interested), one day may find himself alone.
“I felt that we were not made for each other,” says Galina, a pretty, intelligent woman in her fifties, “but we have children, a family, and I would never destroy our relationship. And he did it and went to another.”
The situation is typical. A woman most often seeks to save her family, a well-established life, a familiar environment. A man is more prone to experiments and even adventures, he is not averse to conquering new heights ... Therefore, if the relationship does not suit both in some way, it is he who is the first to break.
Period or comma?
A short standard phrase sounded. And then - heartache, shock, confusion, guilt ... And at the same time - resentment, anger, hurt pride, especially when it turns out that the reason for the divorce was a love relationship with someone on the side. Those who have experienced a breakup at least once in their lives will surely call the moment after a breakup one of the most difficult periods in their lives. Without exaggeration, it can be considered a real mental trauma.
Sometimes in a protracted one, when mutual reproaches and misunderstanding accumulate, it seems to both spouses that the best way out of the impasse is a divorce, but even in this case, “drawing the line” can be very painful. What can we say about those who consider their relationship with a partner, if not ideal, then at least tolerable.
Many psychologists working with couples believe that the biggest mistake that is made in the first moment after is the desire to do everything possible - persuasion, threats, promises - to try to return him / her as soon as possible. This ill-conceived, impulsive movement seems correct at first glance, because “the train has not left yet”, something can be changed, corrected. But this tactic works only in the case of a “blackmailing partner”, when the husband / wife is not going to go anywhere and scares them with a divorce if they want to achieve something significant: the wife demands to move to an apartment separate from her parents, and the husband demands that his wife leave work and the birth of a baby. In the case of a thoughtful and pre-planned departure, neither tears nor persuasion will work, and threats can push for even more decisive action and will no longer leave the opportunity to establish normal relations after a divorce.
Psychologist's advice: what is impossible and what can be done after his / her departure?
It is forbidden
Chase, start endless clarifications - “why” and “who is to blame”, cut off the phone, write messages and fill up the email inbox with letters, watch on the street. Such activity will not lead to positive results. The one who is being pursued begins to feel like a "hunted game", so he tries to run away as quickly and as far away as possible. Remember self-love and pride. Some "departed" sometimes reconsider their actions and return. Only more often they return to those who do not forget about self-esteem.
Sprinkle ashes on your head and lock yourself in four walls, cherish your loss. It may well happen that what you think is the end, in fact, turns out to be the beginning of another relationship, much brighter and more significant. Wise people say: "When one door closes, another one is bound to open."
Stop caring about your appearance. , and the hairdresser and beauty salon - according to the schedule. As well as a solarium, gym, swimming pool and more.
Revenge for the wrong done, call his / her new passion, threaten or try to upset their relationship. Such actions will give ex-lovers an extra reason to establish themselves in the correctness of their decision to leave you.
Tell friends, neighbors, colleagues nasty things about the former. After all, they suited you when they were around.
Start a new romance immediately. Until you feel free from the old love shackles, while your heart still belongs to him (her), you will not start a truly warm and lasting romantic relationship.
Can
Do not pretend to be a "snow queen" or "tough macho", but live and feel the pain, resentment, longing. Let there be tears, do not be afraid and embarrassed, they help heal spiritual wounds.
Get distracted. Work will help, which, as you know, "saves us from three evils - boredom, idleness and poverty."
Experiment. Many women are advised to radically change the image, for example, turn a strict chestnut haircut into golden curls. Men choose different paths: one "ex-husband" completely changed the situation in the apartment after the departure of his wife.
Create. Have you ever dreamed of learning the guitar or dancing flamenco, but never had the time? The moment has come - immediately sign up for courses, find a dance studio. At first it will be difficult, but it is these difficulties that will distract from the experiences. And who knows, perhaps soon you will compose a beautiful lyrical song or express your love and hope in dance.
Find those who need help: take toys to an orphanage, bring food to an elderly lonely neighbor, take your mother or grandmother to the theater.
Go on a trip. A change of scenery always helps to cope with stress and provides an invaluable energy boost. In addition, it is during distant wanderings that wonderful romantic relationships sometimes arise, which - who knows? – can grow into something more.
“Forgive and let go,” as the song says. You won't be able to do it right away, but time heals. There will surely come a day when you will feel that you are letting go of the person who brought you joy and suffering. Simply because he does not belong to you, and you, in spite of everything, respect his choice and his right to live his life.
How to survive a breakup with a loved one? This question haunts men and women who experience the bitterness of ending a relationship. It is very difficult to endure separation if earlier there were warm and trusting relationships between people. There is no universal way to deal with a breakup, but almost every person has their own recipe for healing from heartache, based on personal experience.
When a relationship is falling apart right before your eyes, and a breakup is inevitable, it's hard to give any advice. Each case is strictly individual, and it is impossible to apply the same template in different situations. The advice of psychologists helps not to fall into depression and get out of the current situation with the least losses. So how do you get over the pain of a breakup?
What to do
Let yourself cry
If you decide to go headlong into work or urgently come up with a new interesting hobby - do not rush, give free rein to emotions. Parting with a loved one can be figuratively compared with a common illness, the treatment of which should take some time. Sob into the pillow or on the shoulder of a girlfriend, throw out the accumulated feelings and emotions. The severity of parting must be felt and realized as a fait accompli. If this moment is constantly delayed, trying to distract yourself with other topics, the pain will constantly accumulate and cause more severe suffering. Psychologists advise setting specific deadlines, after which you will need to get in shape and not give a look about the torment experienced.
Dot the i's
How to survive a breakup with a guy if every little thing reminds you of his presence? Return or throw away all his gifts that remind you of past relationships and drive you into depression. There are times when girls burned their wedding dresses and said that it really helps to get the man out of their heads with whom they had to sign earlier. These are, of course, extreme methods, but who knows, maybe they really help to survive a breakup. It's a good idea to delete all text messages from your ex.
Blacklist him
Many girls do not know how to survive a breakup with a beloved man if your paths constantly cross. A striking example is an office romance, after which you have to work in the same company and constantly collide in the course of the work process. When parting, you need to behave with dignity, without arranging scenes and tantrums. If you constantly cross paths in the same places, act cold and distant. Abandoned women cause pity, so do not give others reasons to talk. As practice shows, in a month you will develop "emotional" immunity, and communication with the former will be less painful.
Feel free to ask for help
An experienced psychotherapist will help to cope with the running problem of how to survive a breakup with a lover. If you feel that you cannot cope with loneliness on your own and experience psychological discomfort, contact a specialist. Literally a few individual or collective lessons will help you find the answer to the questions of what to do if the guy left and how to live after breaking up. Faithful friends who are able to distract from unhappy thoughts can also come to the rescue. Throw a party, go to karaoke, in a word, come off. Recently, a professional psychologist has often been replaced by women's forums on the Internet, where you can always speak out and get psychological support. The main advantage of Internet forums is the remoteness of the conversation, during which the principle of confidentiality is respected. On the Internet, stories of how to forget the man who left you are the most discussed.
Look your best!
The saying, “The worse things are for a girl on a personal front, the better she looks” is not without meaning. It is better to go through parting with a man with perfect hair and make-up than with a tear-stained face and unkempt head. Another good advice from psychologists on how to cope with the pain of parting is to go to the gym. When playing sports, a large amount of endorphins is released into the blood, which contribute to raising the mood. Another indispensable remedy for girls going through a breakup is shopping. Go shopping, buy yourself some new things. Visit a hairdresser, create a new image of a girl who is able to overcome any life difficulties.
Look for the sources of positivity in every day
Help a friend with wallpapering, visit a sick grandmother, sit with your little nephews while your sister goes to a beauty salon, in a word, do good deeds that will not only distract you from sad thoughts, how to survive a breakup with a guy, but also cheer you up.
When you were a couple, you had to decide together how to live on and make compromises at the same time. Perhaps your dream was to travel around the world, but had to buy a family car? Maybe your vocation is painting, but your beloved man assured that a bank clerk is a reliable and respected profession? Having tried something new and non-standard, you will be surprised to find that if a man left you, this is not the end of the world, but only another life stage that brings only positive changes.
How does a breakup happen?
Each individual feels a huge number of needs, the most important of which is love. As long as a person loves and is loved, it is easier for him to cope with daily difficulties, he feels not alone and needed. But as soon as the realization comes that your love has been betrayed, reality ceases to be perceived in color, everything around seems gray and meaningless. It is difficult for a person to adapt to new conditions after parting, and in such cases, depression often occurs.
Women immediately ask themselves: how to forget a guy and how to deal with mental pain. They avoid places where couples in love usually walk, do not watch love melodramas, as they cannot hold back tears. Often the fair sex asks the question, how do men survive a breakup? After all, it is generally accepted that guys have a more callous character. It turns out that men are no less worried about parting with their beloved woman, they just try not to show their emotions to others. Sometimes they begin to take revenge, start a love affair, and then abruptly leave women.
At first, separated people are distinguished by low self-esteem, bad mood, and prolonged depression. Often such people begin to seek solace in alcoholic beverages, narcotic drugs. According to the results of research, individuals who have parted with their soul mates adopt one of two behaviors: the method of aggression or the function of the victim.
The aggressive model is accompanied by bouts of bitterness, hatred, irritation, the desire for revenge and retribution. The sacrificial model of behavior is just the opposite. Characteristic features of such behavior are apathy towards the outside world, indifference, sadness and a sense of helplessness. Such people do not know how to survive a breakup with a loved one, how to get thoughts of the past out of their heads, and this makes them depressed. Living after parting with a loved one becomes unbearable, and some people begin to have suicidal thoughts. Individuals who have experienced such psychological trauma do not know how to behave and cannot enter into new relationships for a long time.
Differences in men's and women's attitudes towards ending relationships
Contrary to popular belief, men also wonder how to survive a breakup with a loved one, and experience emotional anguish no less than women. Most often, the stronger sex copes with the termination of a relationship with a mistress through a fast car ride, a full return at work, long-distance travel, or being promiscuous with different women. Men mistakenly believe that short-term affairs will help to forget the girl who left or who left him.
Women more often than men turn to psychotherapists with the problem of parting. This is due to the more emotional characteristics of the female body. Many female representatives are addicted to a man, similar to a drug addiction. The sad experience does not pass without a trace, and not always the girl is ready to make another attempt to build relationships.
The advice of psychologists on how to survive a breakup most often boils down to one thing - do not get hung up on this problem, but live on. Of course, you need to speak out, cry out and realize that the past cannot be returned. Once you realize that the past cannot be returned, it will definitely become easier for you. Thousands of people coped with their misfortune and moved on, despite the inner emptiness and loneliness. Over time, a love tragedy can be the beginning of a new relationship that can develop into something more.
Each of us at least once heard painfully cruel words - "let's part." Yesterday, a dearly beloved, such a close person was happy with you, but today he decided to leave, destroying all plans and faith in a joint future. Despair, resentment, indescribable pain settle in the soul, gradually destroying it. Ahead of sleepless nights, inconsolable tears and the only question: "How to survive this moment, what to do next?".
It is possible to cope with the current situation, it is enough to make a little effort and finally come to terms with the fact that a loved one is no longer around. Almost all psychologists advise letting go of the departed, finding positive moments in parting. It's not as difficult as it might seem. Life is not over, it is just beginning, there are many more pleasant meetings and good impressions ahead of you.
Why is it so hard to get over a breakup?
When a loved one leaves you, you get a severe emotional trauma that is not easy to survive. Psychologists claim that the main reasons for such a reaction are:
- True love - it is this feeling that inflicts the greatest wound, because a person completely surrenders to wonderful sensations, not even suspecting that the chosen one can do this. It will take a long time to come to terms with the loss, maybe even several years.
- Strong attachment to each other - for many years together leave an imprint in the memory. It is extremely difficult to come to terms with the fact that everything is over and the moments experienced will never happen again.
- Fear of being alone - an abandoned person is very worried about this, his self-esteem deteriorates sharply. After parting, unhappy thoughts appear: “Suddenly, I will never be happy again and will be alone forever.” Such thoughts interfere with surviving the current situation, oppress and overtake a strong melancholy.
- The desire to suffer - a person forces himself to experience various situations, listens to sad music, constantly remembering the joyful, happy days spent together. These thoughts return us to the past, which will never happen again. Such a state prevents recovery, depresses, causes severe harm to the psyche.
Experts are convinced that the departed is much easier to endure parting. This is due to his own initiative and deliberation of the decision. That is, for him this is a serious step, which he himself decided to take, weighed all the pros and cons.
Anger, resentment and anger are caused by the realization of the fact that the once loved one did not want to be there and continue the relationship. It is this moment that is very touching, delivering maximum suffering. Usually a man is calm and restrained, controls himself, does not show his emotions. He had long gone through the pain of parting when he decided for himself that he needed to end the relationship.
A woman is more emotional, she is inclined to create a family where harmony, comfort and mutual understanding reign. She puts her husband and children in the first place, their well-being, home comfort, and not her own happiness. If a woman is deprived of this opportunity, misunderstanding and feelings of guilt arise - “What did I do wrong, why did this happen to me?”
Experiments are more important for a man, he is always ready for changes and new relationships, so he most often leaves the family. He ponders his decision for years and at one point is ready to cross out everything. Even if the other half tries to soften the blow, there will be no less suffering.
There are times when a couple mutually decided to leave. Both people noticed that feelings have cooled, they have exhausted themselves. This situation obliges them to disperse, because people are unhappy together, so it’s time for them to look for new ways separately. If after a while love does not return, then the relationship should not be continued.
Negative emotions last about six months. The spiritual wound gradually heals and only occasionally makes itself felt. Soon, the abandoned person himself wonders why he was so worried, what was special about the relationship? A completely different story when it comes to a couple who has lived for more than 10 years. They are connected by mutual friends, children, relatives.
Former spouses in the first year do not even think about starting a new relationship. It seems to them that there will be no more happiness, and after a couple of years they realize how insignificant the problem was. Life goes on, the birds sing, the grass turns green, there is no more reason to suffer. This turning point is the first step into a new life. Women begin to notice the opposite sex, sympathy appears, and the pain of separation is dulled. At the sight of the former, there is no longer a feeling of resentment, the wound has almost healed.
To make it easier to survive the breakup, experts recommend a sober assessment of the situation, accepting it as it is. It is enough to let go of the past, expel the negative and find positive moments in separation.
Breaking up protects you from false feelings. No one needs a relationship that has been exhausted for a long time. Indifference on the part of the chosen one will bring even more suffering. Now you know people better and understand life. It is necessary to treat the problem as another test that fate presented. If this happened, then you are on the right track and happiness will soon overtake you.
Separation is easier to survive if you follow these tips:
- Let go of the past - if a person decided so, he had reasons for that. Understand that the beloved must be allowed to go. Yes, it will be painful, difficult, insulting, but it is important to get any thoughts about the past out of your head, forbid yourself to even remember that time. It's not easy, but it's possible;
- Rid yourself of negativity - this feeling is bad for health in general. You need to forget about resentment, pain, hatred that burns from the inside, Throw away all thoughts about the person who trampled your soul and heart. Memories only harm, cause new tears and a wave of disappointment;
- Convince yourself that happiness is “just around the corner” - you can’t lie in bed and shed tears, you need to understand that a breakup is the end of a relationship, but also the beginning of something new. It is important to believe that you can still be loved. Enjoy simple things, believe in miracles;
- Communicate - do not avoid acquaintances, walk with friends, go to visit relatives. Communication and support of loved ones helps to cope with any grief. Tell them about your feelings, share your experiences, open your soul, and relief will surely come.
It all depends on you, draw conclusions and continue to live.
How to recover after a breakup if the relationship was long
A marriage that lasts for many years most often breaks up due to betrayal, cooled feelings or mutual misunderstanding. It is very difficult to survive such stress, because in addition to love, there is also attachment, a habit. Our subconscious refuses to accept the situation. On a psychological level, we cannot imagine life without a loved one.
But, this is exactly what needs to be done - to accept, to cast aside all illusions, to learn to live independently. It is not necessary to completely forget a person, it is enough to let him go and accept the gap as a given. To make it easier to accept a breakup, refer to proven methods:
- Change your appearance. As psychologists say, a cardinal reincarnation helps to recover. You can change your wardrobe, hair color, haircut, throw away all the old things and buy new ones. Go to the salon, any girl feels calm and at ease there.
- Get a pet. An affectionate cat or a playful dog cheer up, eliminating the feeling of loneliness. You will know that someone is waiting for you at home, and your pet is always glad to see you back.
- Go in for sports. Regular exercise or a morning run returns strength, energy and good spirits. If you keep yourself in good shape, you will feel confident and attractive.
- Read. Positive literature changes the view of the world, gives good emotions, inspires. Choose classics or psychology. With the help of the book, you can reconsider the situation, evaluate the behavior of people in various situations, forget about disorders, learn to build life in a new way.
- Shopping. Shopping helps fight stress, having a positive effect on the psychological state. You will be distracted from what happened and will be able to survive a difficult time much easier. Even better, go to the store with your girlfriends.
- Start the renovation. Changing the interior has a good effect on the emotional state. You have the opportunity to radically change your life and living conditions. Change everything from wallpaper to furniture so that nothing else reminds you of your loved one.
- Diversify your leisure time. Do not withdraw into yourself, go to public places. Cultural development gives inspiration, brings you closer to the beautiful, spiritually develops. No need to stand in one place, improve.
- Take a trip. New places allow you to experience unforgettable emotions. A long trip gives you the opportunity to reflect, to see that somewhere life is in full swing, it continues, no matter what. Analyze why a loved one left, what needed to be changed, and how to avoid mistakes in a future relationship.
- Meet new people. Now more than ever, you need communication. Organize a party, have fun and relax. This method allows you to return the desire to live.
Coping with a breakup is not easy, sometimes you have to completely change your habits and worldview. It is important to understand that nothing can be returned, you will have to live differently, without that person. Stop looking for someone to blame and stop blaming yourself. Forget about it soon. Perhaps later you will become friends, but now it is useless. The main goal is to realize what happened and learn to live independently.
Forgive all offenses, accept the decision of the second half, get rid of anger and hatred. All you need to do is accept, because there is nothing to return. Put not commas, but bold points, then reconciliation with the situation will come faster.
Has your life lost all interest? Does your favorite job no longer inspire you?
Do parties with friends and other entertainment only make you even more depressed?
Want to jump off a bridge or shoot yourself?
And all because you do not know how to survive parting with a loved one. And no matter who initiated the breakup, the pain tears you apart from the inside. Here are the tips of a psychologist, applying which you can pretty much make your life easier.
It is worth noting that these tips can really change your worldview. So study them carefully. Even after the 1st reading, you will feel much lighter as you will be able to figure out a lot of things.
Understand that there is nothing eternal in the world.
Most couples, even having legalized their relationship, do not live together until the end of their days.
This is the harsh reality. Feelings tend to cool, and people find new love.
They throw many women and men. In such a situation, both your neighbor from the 45th apartment, and the super famous and unrealistically beautiful Hollywood star, for example, Julia Roberts, may turn out to be.
Therefore, there is no need to panic and think that this is the end of life. Besides, you never know what a new day will bring us. It is quite possible that you are destined to meet a millionaire with the appearance of Brad Pitt. Will you remember your ex-lover in this case?
Case from practice:
Anastasia, 30 years old, turned to us for a consultation: “Help me get through the separation after a difficult divorce.” The woman was in a very upset feelings, on the verge of insanity, as she said to herself.
She loved her ex-husband to tears, but the relationship was problematic with frequent scandals and showdowns. In the end, the beloved himself filed for divorce and left for another woman. Against the background of the loss, in addition, Nastya's self-esteem was greatly underestimated.
There were thoughts that no one needed her at that age, and her character was not sugar, and her appearance completely let us down, and even the years go by ... But of course, it was all complete nonsense and only her own assessment of herself.
In fact, the woman is quite interesting and attractive. This is a prime example of how our “wrong” thoughts affect our destiny.
As a result of deep work with a psychologist, Anastasia has changed internally and externally. As a result, she married a successful and kind person for the 2nd time. By the way, there were no scandals in the new family, and Anastasia’s happiness, according to her, did not fit in her chest.
The forgotten secret to fighting depression after a breakup
Find a hobby that will bring new colors and emotions to your life
It's not just about some hobby that can pass the time. Find exactly what you will do with passion that excites you. What can even replace your love.
Of course, we do not advise you to forget about relationships altogether. Just immediately after the breakup, rushing headlong into such activities will do you a lot of good. After all, your favorite hobby energizes, brings satisfaction and happiness. It also expresses you as a person, makes you more confident in your own and the eyes of others.
It can be anything, your business, drawing, embroidery, sports, music. Don't limit yourself. Think carefully and look deep into yourself. It is this approach that helps to discover “your” favorite pastime.
And the premature start of a new relationship can lead to the next blow of fate.
Top 5 breakup myths
- Relationships are what all life revolves around.
The media skillfully manipulate our minds, suggesting to us that it is impossible to live without a soulmate. This fix idea is especially important for women.
It is also connected with the innate desire to have children and a family. But in any case, you should not put the relationship on a pedestal. Along with starting a family, there are other important aspects of life as well.
For example, self-development, personal and professional growth. Even for the relationship itself, it will be much better if you develop many-sided in different directions.
Men are much more interested in a self-sufficient woman than a homebody who thinks only about cooking and raising children.
- Fight fire with fire
Many people, after breaking up a failed relationship, rush to start a new one as soon as possible. There is even such a saying: "The wedge is knocked out with a wedge." But in fact, in such a situation, doing so is a big mistake.
It is similar to how a deep wound is simply sealed with a band-aid without treatment and healing ointment. But in this case, there is a high probability of complications and the wound will heal much longer and more painfully. In severe cases, due to such errors, even the arm will have to be amputated.
There is nothing terrible and shameful in the fact that you are now alone and trying to survive the breakup. It is recommended to understand yourself, your feelings and emotions. As they say, first come to your senses, and then in a harmonious state of mind, look for a new love.
In trying to find a new partner, you are not solving the problem, but running away from it. You need to analyze your mistakes in relationships and think about how to make the next ones more successful. What exactly can you do about it?
- Former lover - ideal
Yes, of course, there were many pleasant moments in your relationship. And at first it seemed that this was love for life, and this person was simply created for you. But, as recent events have shown, all this has come to an end. And you just have to accept it as a fact.
And to entertain yourself with vain illusions about how everything was beautiful once and how sorry that everything is gone - this is a waste of time. Moreover, it will only prolong and intensify your suffering.
With your head held high, begin to see your future better. What can it hold for you? Surely, the real soulmate for life is already predetermined and prepared by fate. But the past must be forgotten, and not cherished endlessly in your thoughts.
- If you still love, it's harder to survive a breakup
Going through a gap in any case is painful and unpleasant. To cling with all your might to a person, like a drowning man to a straw - this is the factor due to which you increase your suffering.
Case from practice:
Konstantin's review:
“I never considered myself an outstanding person. An ordinary guy with an average appearance, and he didn’t have much money. And I don’t know for what merits, but the most beautiful girl on the course reciprocated me.
We met for 4 years, I just idolized her, looked after her, gave gifts. But after graduation, all this came to an end. My beloved met another person, and no persuasion and declarations of love, promises to fulfill any of her requests had no result.
I didn't know how to live on. Other girls just didn't interest me. After all, my beloved was the best, kind, and besides, she overshadowed everyone with her beauty. I suffered for 2 years in the hope that she would return. But this never happened.
Having completely lowered my hands, with the last hope I turned to a psychologist on the advice of a friend. To my surprise, after several consultations, I myself came to the conclusion that the world did not converge on her like a wedge and the world is full of beautiful girls.
Of course, in order to let me go in full, I still had to work with a psychologist, but it was worth it. It was as if I was born again, and in my career I became more successful and happier in life. All my friends did not recognize me, they asked what happened to me, did the ex return or what?
But now I was over these words was very funny. By the way, now I'm in a relationship with a nice girl who appreciates me as much as I appreciate her. And my institute love is no match for her. Now I just wonder how it was possible to be so blind.”
- Happiness depends on people and circumstances
In fact, everything is just the opposite. This is the great wisdom of all times and peoples. It follows from the fact that nothing in this world is impermanent. If you strongly become attached to people, make them the meaning of life, then of course, if you have to leave, the pain will be very strong.
If you love a person, but understand that life is not fixated on him alone, then you can protect yourself from this. Self-sufficient strong people are less prone to love illnesses.
Live in the moment and appreciate only what is now. Don't live in dreams of a possible future. Even a 99 percent chance of achieving something can go down the drain.
Therefore, excessive demands and expectations will only harm you.
- Try not to succumb to destructive emotions
Life consists of black and white stripes. You must always remember this. No one is immune from such blows of fate as a break with a loved one. Try your best not to fall into negative emotions. Resentment, anger, sadness, hatred, in extreme cases, even depression is possible.
Don't have destructive thoughts in your head. If you remember your sadness, distract yourself with something more positive.
Relationship depression is more common among women. But men also tend to be depressed. Up to the decision to become a monk or headlong into business, cutting off other areas of life and communication with women. The pain is so intense.
It is very important to be able not to cheat yourself and not to make an elephant out of a fly. Dropped by a loved one? But this is not the end of life. The main thing is to be able to survive this situation. And for this, you just need not to twist sad thoughts in your head, but try to let them go. In this article, you can find out.
- Accept the fact that the breakup is final
As early as possible, you should come to terms with the fact that nothing can be returned. The breakup happened and it's forever. It makes no sense to find out who is right and who is wrong.
Let go of your former love. And feel free from it yourself. Accepting this will help you move forward. Clinging like a drowning man to a failed relationship does not make sense. After all, what is already destroyed cannot be glued together without a trace.
- Change the way you see relationships
Many people see their loved one as an object that brings pleasure. Attachment usually translates into a desire to possess the object completely and cut off the possibility of losing it.
And then your soul will not hurt much when parting. After all, you wanted to make your partner happy? But it didn't. So he needs to be released and given freedom. (Read,) So he will find happiness again.Just like you, but with a different person.
In other words, don't focus on yourself. And your relationship will definitely become more harmonious, and your partner will be pleasantly surprised by your maturity. And then the thoughts of parting with him simply will not arise.
- You don't need anyone to be happy
It is worth deeply understanding this law of life. If a person is unhappy in itself, then no relationship will bring him real happiness, but only appearance.
If, on the contrary, a person is self-sufficient and knows how to enjoy life, regardless of whether he currently has a partner or not, then he will be able to create harmonious relationships.
Understand that the other person is just a person, not a magician who, with a wave of a magic wand, turns your dull life into a holiday. In a couple, people can complement each other.
There is also a stereotype here that it is impossible to be happy and complete alone. But this is absolute nonsense. Because of him, so many fragile superficial relationships are being created in our time. After all, both men and women are trying to get rid of loneliness as soon as possible and “clamp” their ray of happiness.
In fact, happiness and harmony must be sought within oneself, and not in a loved one. If you have such beliefs, then you will not become unnecessarily attached to a partner and need him beyond the necessary. A loved one is not a source of air for life.
- Take a closer look at your partner
For many, after a breakup, a certain image remains for a long time in their thoughts about a loved one. And since you are so tormented by the fact that you cannot forget him, then this image is very positive.
Often people overestimate their loved ones and have an overly embellished opinion about them, as if putting them on a pedestal. But in fact, these qualities are not at all characteristic of them, or they possess them in smaller quantities.
Therefore, try to evaluate the image of your loved one objectively. To do this, you can even ask what other people think about them. If you thought this person was special, there will be many people who will not like him or will be indifferent to him.
Thus, we can conclude that it is only your own assessment that endows him with such qualities. And the man is the most ordinary and ordinary. And you should get it out of your head as soon as possible.
- Listen to your feelings
In relationships, it is the sensations that they receive from communicating with the object of their affection that bring the most joy, and not the people themselves.
And each person also invents these feelings for himself. Therefore, a couple of dozen more people may be in the place of the former lover. And you can also create these feelings for yourself. Understand this subtle point. And you will immediately feel relief, as if a mountain off your shoulders.
- To be happy, of course, you need to love yourself.
The question follows from the previous paragraph. Why can't a person experience the same feelings in relation to himself? Because various complexes and low self-esteem interfere with this. In this article, you can find out.
If you learn really love yourself, then you will not be afraid of any breaks in the relationship. And you will stop looking in other people for what you lack in yourself, it will be easy for you to give. And then, on the contrary, those around you will reach out to you.
50 shades of gray everyday life or how to survive parting easier?
You may think that there are many couples who are unrealistically happy. But many of them actually live with each other for years or meet by inertia.
Love is long gone, only habit and boredom remain. But no one can take a decisive step and end it. Or start working on relationships and try to return the depth of feelings. Gray everyday life, routine literally corrode these guys.
What are the benefits of breaking up?
Therefore, without a shred of doubt, we can say that you are already one step ahead of these mournful couples.
After all, you have gained freedom, thrown off the oppressive shackles and are rushing towards a new, better life.
But to pull yourself together and build your further harmonious life or fall into apathy and depression is only your choice.
List of top 10 breakup movies
In the struggle for peace during parting, all means are good. We bring to your attention the Top 10 films on this topic. They will surely distract you from their experiences. Happy viewing!
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
- Promise does not mean marriage (2009)
- Atonement (2007)
- She (2013)
- Fanatic (2000)
- Memory Diary (2004)
- 500 days of summer (2009)
- P.S. I love you (2007)
- Valentine (2010)
- Silver Linings Playbook! (2012)
Well, dear friends, we hope this article was useful for you. And you are no longer tormented by the question: “how to survive a breakup with a loved one?” The advice of a psychologist always helps in such situations.
If you need individual help and support, we are always ready to help you with this! By contacting, you can quickly and painlessly deal with this problem once and for all.
In the life of almost every person, sooner or later, parting occurs. In the lives of many - more than once. This is a very important event, because it is only on the one hand the end of something. More importantly, parting is a moment of choice and the beginning of something new. If the choice is right, it becomes the beginning of a new, better life, a truer understanding of love. It was the separation that helped a huge number of people to become adults, loving and happy people.
The theme of parting in full. I have enriched and deepened my experience with the help of highly qualified psychologists and Orthodox priests who participate in the operation of the Perezhit.ru website. This article is the quintessence of our methodology. The article does not replace other articles, but will help you structure and better understand the material.
1. Put an end
If the separation has occurred, first of all, you need to take the fact of what happened for granted. If a person is gone, you need to let him go. It is necessary to put an end to those relations that were.
Stories are different. Unfortunately, there are separations in marital relations. Therefore, when I say that it is necessary to put an end to it, I do not say: shut the door tightly, bury the person, erase him from your memory. No! Often lawful husbands and wives return with repentance, and then they can be accepted. It's about something else. Coming to terms with a breakup means letting go of a person. Recognize his right to such a decision, even if it is wrong. Stop holding it.
Theoretically, it is possible that after some time both of you will change, and a meeting of new you may occur, and you will be able to create new, more harmonious relationships.
But the people you are now couldn't be together. The path you were on has come to this point. And at this point it ended. The person you are now must recognize and accept this.
If you have even a little love for this person, recognize his right to be free. Release and bless him.
Say to yourself, addressing this person: “I let you go! Bless you!"
The cessation of attempts to return a person, the cessation of hopes for his return is an absolutely necessary condition for the successful experience of parting. Some cling to a person for months and years. And as long as they cling, they suffer, they get stuck in this state.
Often lovers (especially those suffering from love addiction) break up and converge several times. And the further - the lower the quality of their relationship. They thereby humiliate themselves, their relationships, they reinforce the skills of how not to live, and reduce their chances of building healthy relationships. There is a good rule: “When you leave, leave!”
And believe that your clinging does not increase the love and respect for you of the one you cling to, but quite the contrary.
2. Overcome intrusive thoughts
In most crises, we suffer not from the situation itself, but from false obsessive thoughts about it. "You won't find someone as good as her." "You won't love anyone else." "You will never have children." "It's impossible to love someone like you." “I won’t love anyone like that again” (this is usually for girls aged 15-18), “There is no need to live anymore.” These thoughts hurt us almost physically, plunge us into despair.
Relatively speaking, 10% of our suffering is from the situation itself, from the inability to see a loved one, to be with him, etc., 90% are from these false thoughts. So, as soon as we overcome these thoughts, we will stop suffering. And you can overcome obsessive thoughts quickly enough.
First of all, we need to recognize these thoughts as an external force hostile to us, which, with the help of deceit, is trying to plunge us into despair and almost kill us from the world. These thoughts are not generated by you! They have come from outside to harm you. To accept a thought or not to accept is in our power. If we accept it and begin to “chew it”, then it becomes, as it were, ours.
What do psychologists of women's and popular psychological magazines advise in such cases? Get distracted. Find an activity that will help you take your mind off heavy thoughts. This is as “wise” as advising a front line soldier to turn away from the enemy so as not to see his nasty face, and do something else. Like, you can't see him, so he's gone.
And what about the fact that just at that moment he will put a bullet in your back?
My advice is unequivocal - turn to face the enemy and fight. This is the only real opportunity to deal with this enemy. A thought is such a thing that neither an exercise bike, nor a swimming pool, nor the fingers of a beautician or masseur, nor a new lover can protect. Thought can only be defeated by thought!
How to win?
Arguing with hostile thoughts is useless. Some hope, with the help of a discussion with thoughts that overcome them, to analyze something, to judge, to make some kind of decision. In the acute period of the crisis, in the first week or two, no sound reasoning and right decisions are possible. First you need to bring yourself to a healthy, sober state. In a period of acute crisis, we have only one goal - to gain a sober view of things by combating obsessive thoughts.
The only way to overcome false thoughts is to oppose them with true, kind thoughts, clothed in the power of prayer.
To do this, it is necessary, first of all, to constantly control what kind of thought torments you. That's what I call looking the enemy in the face.
Second, to oppose this thought with an appropriate prayer. That is, a prayer, the meaning of which is opposite to the thought that torments at the moment. Three or four short prayers are enough to “deal with” most of the obsessive thoughts in a breakup situation.
If you are tormented by thoughts of self-pity, thoughts of despondency, grumbling or fear.
Typical thoughts are: “I won’t love anyone else”, “I won’t feel so good with anyone else”, “My life no longer makes sense”, “How can I, poor thing, now live?”. Our worst enemy is self-pity. This pity must be dealt with ruthlessly.
Prayers that are used against such thoughts: “Glory to God for everything!”, “Thy will for everything. Let it be as You please!”
The meaning of these prayers is that we recognize the non-randomness of what happened. We recognize that no matter how painful it is, it is for our good. Thus, we express our trust in God, Who wishes us all the best, and the confidence that this event will serve to improve our lives and our souls. And since the improvement of the soul implies an increase in love in it, it means that it is quite possible that we will still love someone, and with a more perfect love.
If you are tormented by thoughts about the person with whom we are parting, or about the one who “took away” this person.
Typical thoughts: “He is the best, you won’t meet such a person again”, “I can’t live without her!”, “How would I return him”, “Scoundrel! How could he deceive me like that!”, “I hate her, the vile one, for taking him away! How can I get revenge on her?"
If we are tormented by the thought of any person, we kill it with a simple prayer: “Lord, bless this person!”. We invest in this prayer the desire for good to a person.
The psychological explanation is this. The fact is that the essence of obsessive thoughts that torment us is evil, aggression. This is either an insult to a person, or a desire to deprive him of his freedom, tying him to himself against his will, or a desire to take revenge, or a desire that misfortunes befell him for what he did. All this is the opposite of love. And so, when we oppose a good thought to these evil thoughts, the evil thought is defeated.
There is also a deeper level of understanding. If we admit that dark entities are the source of our evil thoughts, then it is clear that evil is their goal. And as a result of such prayer, not just good is obtained, but double good: both you benefit from prayer, and the person for whom you pray. Naturally, such a result of their intervention does not suit these dark entities at all, and they move away from you. Verified by many!
If you are tormented by aggressive thoughts addressed to yourself.
False thoughts: “It’s impossible to love someone like you, you are a loser”, “You are to blame for everything, if only you hadn’t made that mistake!”
Prayer: Praise God for everything! If they are really guilty of something: “Lord, have mercy!”, “Lord, forgive!”.
Prayer "Glory to God for everything!" universal. It contains, among other things, self-acceptance, gratitude to God for the good that is in us.
Penitential prayers: “Lord, have mercy!”, “Lord, forgive!” are pronounced without strain, in an even, impassive tone. If we start acting, we ourselves will not notice how, instead of repentance, we will concentrate on despondency and self-pity: “Oh, how unfortunate I am, have pity on me!”. This will only cause harm. When a person truly repents, he firmly believes that God forgives him, and every minute it is easier for him.
I emphasize: the tone of all prayers must be even, no matter what storm rages within us!
There are a few more rules to keep in mind when praying.
First, you need to control your attitude towards the One to whom you pray. Remember that God does not owe you anything. He is not to blame for the fact that you are now ill. But you, most likely, are largely to blame before Him. Therefore, pray humbly. Only humble prayer achieves the goal. Prayer, in the depths of which there is an offense against God or an impudent demand, will not give anything.
This is on the one hand. On the other hand, do not consider yourself a completely alien, disenfranchised petitioner. You are not addressing an indifferent official, but a merciful Father who loves you. He wants to give you everything you ask for and more.
Secondly, believe that you are being heard, that you can be helped and will certainly be helped. God is omnipotent, He created this world out of nothing. God hears your every word (which you yourself hear), and not a single word of yours is wasted.
Thirdly, it is desirable to know as well as possible the One to whom you are praying. Some people think that God is a "higher intelligence." But under the definition of "higher intelligence" is quite suitable and Satan. Therefore, if you are close to Christianity, try reading the Gospel to find out what kind of God He is. Just do not visualize God during prayer - this is very dangerous. (Looking at the icon of Jesus Christ does not mean presenting God in front of you, it is safe.)
You need to pray for exactly as long as the attack on you by obsessive thoughts continues. Some will read the prayer several times, and then say: "I tried to pray - it did not help." This is ridiculous. You are sitting in a trench. The enemy is firing at you from all sides. You fire three shots at the enemy. Naturally, the shelling does not stop. In desperation, you crawl to the bottom of the trench, throwing away the machine gun: it supposedly does not help.
Where is the logic here? The force of action must be equal to the force of reaction! When I was in this situation, for the first 5 or 7 days I prayed almost continuously, repeating the words of the prayers thousands of times. By carefully observing exactly what thought is attacking me now, and using the appropriate prayer against it. I held on to my prayer like a drowning man to a lifeline. Naturally, if I let go of the circle, I would immediately go to the bottom.
Therefore, do not be lazy, do not retreat, do not give up! Fight with all your might!
3. Forgive yourself and the other person
Common problems in a breakup situation are positions of resentment towards the other person or blaming oneself. Both positions prevent us from finally recovering.
Another person may be guilty of something before us. However, you need to forgive him, for two reasons.
First, we do not know exactly why it happened, we do not know the degree of our guilt. The mistakes of one of the two can be obvious (drunkenness, cruelty, betrayal, consumerism on a material level), and the other is hidden (consumerism on a spiritual level, jealousy, disrespect, emancipation). However, the former may be a consequence of the latter. That is why they say that both are always to blame. Each of the two always has their own truth. And you, knowing only your own truth, but not knowing the truth of another, cannot judge him.
Secondly, your resentment binds you to this person, as shackles bind two convicts. By cutting the chain of resentment, you release not only him, but also yourself. And each of you takes with you your piece of the chain - your share of responsibility.
How to forgive?
Tell him mentally: “I forgive you!” This does not mean that you approve of what he did or take full responsibility for what happened. No, he is responsible and fully responsible for his mistakes. But he will bear this responsibility himself, without your participation.
If the obsessive thought of resentment continues to haunt you, use the weapon of prayer described above: “God bless him!”
If we blame ourselves, we need to sort out our feelings and separate the rational from the irrational.
Rational - these are the facts of your specific sins: betrayal, rudeness, deceit, jealousy, the wife's desire to rise above her husband, etc.
The irrational is just an inferiority complex, behind which are not facts, but beliefs: “I am bad”, “I am no good”, “I am not worthy of love”, etc.
The rational is cured by repentance. Take your share of responsibility on yourself, refraining from self-justification. Ask for forgiveness from a person - really or mentally. Ask forgiveness from God. Work on fixing yourself to become a different person who won't do it again.
The irrational is an obsessive false thought. She is cured by prayer and good deeds. But above all - improving relations with parents.
4. Benefit, work on yourself
There is a common truth: any difficult situation, any crisis is not a “misfortune”, but a test. A test is an opportunity sent down to us from above, precisely calculated for our needs and abilities, to grow, to take a step towards personal perfection and a better life. And the opportunity to grow is so important and valuable to us that it would be strange to call it a misfortune. As we grow up, we become happier.
But growth does not automatically follow trial. As stated earlier, a test is an opportunity. If we only feel sorry for ourselves, blame others, lose heart, grumble, then we have not passed the test, we have not grown up. And you have to grow. So the next lesson will be tougher.
To pass the test, you must first of all humble yourself. When you and I, overcoming the desire to lose heart, feel sorry for ourselves and grumble, prayed “Glory to Thee, Lord!” This was the school of humility. Thanks to this school, we will not be so upset during the next trials. Humility makes us stronger and more patient. Humility is our most valuable "income" from any trial.
Now that the acute stage of the crisis has passed, it is time to soberly analyze the reasons for what happened.
First, what were constituents your relationship, how much love was there, how much dependence, how much physiological passion? From your side, from your partner's side.
Secondly, what were the genuine goals relationships - family, pleasure, mercantile calculation? From your side, from your partner's side. To what extent these goals are worthy of you, do you need such goals?
Thirdly, if the goal was worthy (a real family), then how much you and this person approached for each other and for this purpose? Could this goal be achieved with this person? And did you know him enough to allow the degree of intimacy that you allowed? And what kind of person can achieve this goal? And what kind of person is best for you? What qualities do you lack in order to successfully achieve this goal? Are you an adult or an addict? What harmful and useful habits did you take away from your parental family and from the relationships that preceded these relationships?
Fourthly, if both the goal was worthy and the people worthy of the goal, what mistakes were allowed by you in the process of achieving these goals? What should you do to get better results?
In the process of this analysis, write down on paper everything that you need to change in yourself. Your mistakes that you need to repent. Your shortcomings that should be corrected. Those good qualities that you need to develop in yourself. These records will be your second "income" from this test.
To get the third "income" from the test, put this sheet into action - start working on yourself. First of all, we are talking about inner work. About overcoming addictions, passions, cultivating love, chastity. Such work on yourself will make you a different person.
If you find it necessary to also work on your body, doing physical education is in any case beneficial. Physical training, coupled with overcoming “I can’t do it anymore”, not only makes our body younger and more attractive, but also strengthens the will, which is of great importance for the success of all the affairs of our life.
It is very important at this stage to put before yourself the right goals for the next period of life. It is the improvement of yourself as a person, the cultivation of love in yourself, getting rid of shortcomings that should be your goals. Not a new meeting, not the return of the one who left.
Moreover, it is highly desirable abstain from any relationship for at least a year, similar to love ones - even chaste ones. Because otherwise the relationship will be built on an unreliable foundation. The first time after parting, self-esteem is underestimated. After some time of work on yourself, it can become overpriced. Both that, and another, hinders soberly to estimate the partner. In addition, the substitution effect is known, when we unconsciously look for a replacement for a partner who has left us. Relationships that begin to take shape ahead of time will be fragile.
Therefore, do not go in cycles in the topic of love relationships! Do not worry about the fact that you have nowhere to meet a good person! Everything will happen in due time. When you are ready to create a full-fledged family, a worthy person will appear. As soon as you become a princess, your prince will immediately rush on a white horse. Even if you sit at home all day because of illness, he will make a mistake with the door or phone number - and will come to you. And if you are not ready, then even with a huge circle of friends you will not be able to choose anyone.
If age leaves little hope for creating a new family, all the more, a person has one field of activity left - his soul. If there is someone to take care of, this is also a worthy task of life, but still, improving yourself is more important. Because only a loving person can truly care for others. Here is the story of a woman who lives a dignified life after a divorce in celibacy.
5. Do not recognize the right to be unhappy
Many of us, unconsciously for ourselves, in the state “I am poor, unhappy, no one loves me” feel more comfortable than in the state: “I was born for happiness, and it depends on me whether to be happy or not to be.” This is due to infantilism (childishness), the inability to overcome some stages of growing up. We do not want, as adults, to take responsibility for ourselves. And therefore, although we are afraid of trouble, when they come, we literally cling to them and do not want to let go.
The more infantile a person is, the longer he gets stuck in a state of experience. Just as at school he liked to lie in bed when he was ill, feel sorry for himself and accept the sympathy of others, so here he lies down in the bed of self-pity. Finally, it seems like a valid reason for self-pity has been found. And in this state after parting, a person, if desired, can stay for many years. But what's the point?
In fact, there is not a single valid reason for such relaxation. Adult, mentally healthy people never relieve themselves of their responsibility to themselves and other people. After all, we need other people, and ourselves. We need not only healthy and capable, but also strong, joyful, able to support and delight others.
Therefore, adults, mentally healthy people do not get stuck even in such a severe trauma as experiencing the death of a loved one. No one but our enemies needs our tears, physical and mental illness and suicide. All our near and far, living and dead, need us strong and joyful.
Therefore, our task is to rejoice. And not sometime later, when everything will work out, and we will create a family with one of the heirs of the British royal house. You need to rejoice right now. There is no good reason not to do this. We are alive, able to work, we can love, God loves us, and He has given us many abilities that it's time to use.
Give feedback ( Priest Ilya Shugaev)
The fact that there is only one love in life, romantics came up with ( Priest Andrei Lorgus)
The love of God will make up for the lack of all other love ( Archpriest Igor Gagarin)
You need to understand and accept yourself Psychologist Irina Karpenko)