The male half (father-in-law and father-in-law), either because they know how to abstract themselves and retreat in time, or because they have such a status, rarely participate destructively in any issues.
But women... the very ones who are created to create and create, often cannot share one frying pan among themselves. Those young housewives who are friends with their mothers-in-law are lucky and smart, and yet they cannot relax. Today - about them!
WHY ARE THERE A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW, BUT NOT ONE ABOUT YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW?
BECAUSE MOTHER-IN-LAW IS TOO SAD TO JOKE...
Commandments and beliefs of the classic mother-in-law:
If you're interested in looking into your daughter-in-law's closets, don't be shy!
The apartment of your son or your son’s wife is your apartment, you are one family!
Whenever you come, you are always welcome, and it simply cannot be otherwise!
Don’t keep silent - give TS (valuable instructions), you care about everyone!
Good upbringing of your grandchildren is your merit, bad upbringing is your daughter-in-law’s omission!
* * *
My husband comes home from work, and his mother says to him:
- Pavlik, your wife insulted me today.
- Yes, she’s not even in the city.
“She sent you a letter, and at the end it says: “Marya Ivanovna, don’t forget to show the letter to Pavlik!”
* * *
The day I remembered the joke “I don’t quarrel with my husband, I silently clean the toilet with his toothbrush,” and I shared it with my mother-in-law (without any intent!), her toothbrush disappeared from our cup!
An English lady calls a footman:
You will now go to my mother-in-law Mrs. Chatterley in the hospital, she is very seriously ill, and inquire about her well-being.
The footman left and returned three hours later.
So how? Have you been to Mrs Chatterley? They asked how she was feeling?
Yes, madam.
Okay, you can go.
The most important thing in a dispute with your husband is to win your mother-in-law over to your side.
Two girlfriends met.
How's your family life? - one is interested.
“What kind of life is there,” another sighs. - He has one light in the window - his mommy...
“And look at yourself,” says the friend, “no hairstyle, no manicure, no new dress!” Try to meet your husband perfumed, in luxurious lingerie, you will see; He won’t even remember about his mommy!
That same day, the young wife bought expensive French black lingerie and in the evening she meets her husband “fully armed,” but he shies away from her in horror: “God, you’re all in black - what’s wrong with mom?”
The mother-in-law wanted to check on her daughter-in-law. I wrote her a note:
I know everything. Well-wisher.
In the morning there is an answer on the table:
I know everything too. Daughter-in-law.
The daughter-in-law comes to visit her mother-in-law. The mother-in-law is very happy and offers to have lunch, looks into the refrigerator and says:
Sveta, will you have some liverwurst?
No, thanks.
Bye, my cat doesn’t want it either.
When people meet me on the street, I call myself Elizaveta and... give my mother-in-law’s phone number.
A wife with a black belt in karate means a strong family, well-mannered children, a polite mother-in-law, a loving and faithful husband.
“Something about your dress is unsightly...” my mother-in-law upset me on the wedding day.
“Nothing, next time it will be better!” - I thought silently and smiled charmingly at her.
The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law eat dumplings... The daughter-in-law takes one dumpling, the mother-in-law takes two. Daughter-in-law two, mother-in-law five... One dumpling left. My mother-in-law ate it and choked. In a choked voice, with all his strength:
Dasha, clap...
Vitalik was already working at one of the Moscow ambulance stations when Olesya came to them. The young people liked each other and, after some time, they got married. The couple turned out to be really beautiful: both of the Nordic type - fair-haired, blue-eyed. Vitalik has a strong build and stocky build. Olesya is a fragile girl with a good figure and a pretty face.
Problems with his mother began even before the wedding, but the guys did not lose heart - they say, he will get to know each other, get to know him better, and will be glad to have such a daughter-in-law. But it was not there.
The young paramedics had nowhere to live: they didn’t have their own corner, and renting an apartment on their salary was completely unrealistic. Olesya’s parents lived in the Nizhny Novgorod region and, of course, they did not want to move there from the capital. Therefore, I had to live with his mother.
They worked in different shifts so that while one was at work, the other could go to the grocery store and cook food. When Vitalik was not on shift and was doing all the things, nothing unusual happened. But the mother tried her best to persuade her son to part with “this rubbish”, which is unworthy of him: she is poor and not smart enough (that’s with honors!) and not too beautiful and will go out on night shifts with just anyone...
If Olesya prepared food for at least two days, it would spoil the next morning. The milk the girl bought had turned sour, and the bread had become moldy. If she ironed when her mother-in-law was at home, she would definitely get burned on the hot iron or burn things through.
In their small room there were a huge number of cockroaches, which for some reason did not spread throughout the entire apartment, but modestly clustered in the corners, in the linen closet, even in the sewing machine. Then the cockroaches disappeared as suddenly as they had appeared, but mice appeared out of nowhere. They gnawed everything they could - computer wires, clothes, books... Olesya constantly fainted from the mere sight of these rodents during the day and woke up at night when they darted around the bed, stepping on her arms, legs and even her face.
Then, along with the mice, the harmony in the sexual relations of the spouses disappeared. Olesya kept saying that she felt like they were being peeped through the keyhole. Several times she clearly felt how the bed, at the very peak moment, sagged under the weight of a person who sat down on the edge. Therefore, they even conceived a child outside the walls of the apartment - after going to the lake for a few days.
The pregnancy was difficult. Several times Olesya was kept in the obstetrics and gynecology department. The doctors shrugged their shoulders - the fetus was developing normally, no pathologies were observed. No one could understand where the severe pain and bleeding came from. Unfortunately, in the sixth month, when the baby was already kicking sensitively, a miscarriage occurred, which almost cost Olesya her own life.
After this, the young wife gave her husband an ultimatum: “Either me or her!” They moved out of the apartment. Life returned to normal, Olesya easily became pregnant, carried her to term and gave birth to a healthy child. The mother-in-law did not even come to look at her grandson and did not congratulate the newlyweds.
After this, Olesya broke all ties with her mother-in-law and never saw her again.
I am a vegetarian, and my husband eats meat, but cooks it himself. My mother-in-law was indignant at this fact for a very long time, several times she defiantly came to visit with meat and cooked it herself, saying that I was an armless egoist. Then it dawned on her: I probably just don’t know how to cook meat, but I’m making up everything about vegetarianism so as not to embarrass myself. She called and said that she would come to visit and teach me how to cook a dish that few people know how to cook. And after that I will become a chef; I won’t care about any meat dish. And she arrived. She opened the package and stuck a rabbit carcass in my face. With a fur paw. Like, a real rabbit, not some kind of cat. Yes, I realized that Lavrenty is real - I’ve been living with Lavrenty for five years now, my favorite, smart as a dog. Rabbit, of course.
Mother-in-law is an honest woman
My mother-in-law is a very honest woman: right on her wedding day she showed what to expect from her. At first she insisted on a stupid “bride price”, although we had not planned anything like that. When I left the apartment, my mother-in-law looked over my shoulder and asked loudly: “Where is the bride anyway?!” It was a reaction to my dress - a very beautiful sea green summer dress that exposed the knees. Without a veil, of course. At the registry office, my mother shed tears, and my mother-in-law hissed at her: there was no point in shedding tears, she should be the one crying, the only man she loved was taken away from her. And she immediately howled. In full voice. Like at a funeral.
At the restaurant, the host announced the newlyweds' first dance. The mother-in-law jumped up with a mouth full of salad and grabbed the groom's hand. She finished chewing and announced that he should dance the first dance with his mother. I've never felt so stupid before. So when she asked the photographer to take a family photo and kindly asked me to get out of the frame, I really did. At all. She just left. I took a bottle of cognac from the table, called a friend and we drank it in the park next to the restaurant. The groom found me there and brought my mother-in-law - I thought I needed her apology. But she said: “What did I do?”
Mother-in-law is the keeper of family secrets
My husband and I dated briefly before our wedding—only six months. My mother-in-law, having learned about the wedding, threw a scandal at me. She screamed that I wanted to go “from rags to riches” at her expense, came in large numbers from the village and became pregnant by a Muscovite in order to squeeze out the apartment. And I “came in large numbers” from St. Petersburg and was not pregnant at all. And in the next 10 years of our life together, I never got pregnant, because we wanted to live together. Naturally, my mother-in-law told everyone that I was a “barren flower” and her poor son was doomed to remain childless. She was upset that he was not smart enough to have a mistress who would give birth to him.
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Then my husband and I decided to become parents, a girl was born - naturally my copy. And just a few months later it turned out that I was pregnant again and - oh, horror! - twins. The pregnancy was not easy - I have a very small child in my arms, and my mother-in-law walks around and says: “What do you think? You don’t feel sorry for my boy, you give birth like a barn cat, and he has to feed all of you parasites!” In general, her husband forbade her to approach me until the birth. Boys were born who were unusually similar to their father. When we celebrated their first birthday, my mother-in-law took me to the kitchen and whispered that I now had to wash her feet and drink water. Because she still brought my daughter a gift too and even kissed her, even though she was disgusted. And she won’t tell my husband yet that her daughter is not his. If I behave, yeah.
Mother-in-law prophetess
In my family, everyone is prone to gaining excess weight, I have never been a reed either. After marriage, I began to gain weight and somehow unnoticed I gained a lot. Well, I decided that I needed to lose weight, but correctly - I started counting calories and going to the gym. A year later I lost weight, but now it seemed that this was not enough - I wanted a beautiful, sculpted body. It is clear that it is more convenient to sculpt muscles with the help of special sports nutrition. At that moment, my mother-in-law lost her mind. She started making scandals for me and my husband. She said that I would turn into a man and that I couldn’t give birth, because I had already poisoned my body and could only give birth to a disabled person.
I became pregnant, and an ultrasound told me that the baby most likely had Down syndrome. All the signs are there, and the chance that this is a mistake is very small. My mother-in-law had a holiday. She ran to all her relatives, friends and neighbors and told them this news, adding: “Well, I told you so!” She demanded that I agree to an artificial birth. My husband and I stopped all communication with her, of course. The child was born absolutely healthy. It’s just that he weighed almost five kilograms for me and my relatives. The ultrasound doctor made a mistake and mistook the folds for a characteristic sign of the syndrome. But the child only has one grandmother, of course. My mom.
Mother-in-law dog trainer
When I became pregnant, my mother-in-law immediately started telling me what not to do. You can’t raise your hands, you can’t take a bath, you can’t do this, you can’t do that. And most importantly, he says, do not kick a dog under any circumstances, otherwise the child will be born without legs. Better hit him with a slipper. I have an old Japanese Chin, it weighs 2.5 kilograms. We usually left him with my mother-in-law if we had to leave. I cried for three days, imagining her kicking him.
Mother-in-law is an expert in judicial practice
I have a daughter from my first marriage. The second mother-in-law was very happy about this. Not because I fell in love with my daughter, and not because I have long wanted grandchildren, but because it is very convenient: I can give birth and immediately go to work, I don’t need a nanny, my daughter will do as a babysitter. And you can study at school and externally, what are the problems? But I didn’t give birth to anyone, and, in principle, things didn’t work out with my second husband. They filed for divorce. My mother-in-law came and said that my apartment, purchased before this marriage, should be divided in half with my husband. Because I - suddenly! — I wasn’t a virgin when I got married. Why did the boy suffer morally and now needs compensation. Any court will side with him, so it’s better for me to give everything in an amicable way, yes, yes.
Mother-in-law healer
A couple of years ago I got pneumonia. My mother-in-law came to the hospital with some kind of little bag and asked where their microwave was. I said. I thought she brought me homemade broth. But the mother-in-law did not return. Then an angry nurse came into the room and asked who this aunt had come to see. It turned out that my mother-in-law had brought a bag of horse manure and planned to warm it up and put it on my chest. An absolutely reliable product. Although cow's would be better, of course, but where can you find it in Moscow? In general, I tried to sign out with a signature - it was so embarrassing. They didn't let me go, of course. The doctor on his rounds read Filatov with feeling: “Try the hare droppings, they are vigorous, they will penetrate...”
My husband and I met at the cinema. So, we exchanged phone numbers, I immediately really liked him, but I didn’t even think that something would come of it. But he called the very next day, we started dating, a month later he introduced me to his mother, and six months later we got married.
I won’t describe our relationship, I’ll just say that I was the happiest in the world! My husband is the kind of man any girl could dream of. We immediately rented an apartment, at first my parents helped pay, then, when we paid off the debts for the wedding, we had enough of our own money. He immediately said that he didn’t want his wife to work, and I didn’t resist, I like to tinker around the house, I like to cook delicious things and create comfort.
His mother, my mother-in-law, often comes to us. My relationship with her was immediately excellent. I didn’t even believe that this could happen, sometimes it seemed to me that she treated me even better than her son. She advised me about housework, always gently, unobtrusively, just like a friend. We often just chatted about everything under the sun. I even began to communicate less with my friends; I was really interested in her, even though she is my husband’s mother.
But after a few months, I honestly don’t even remember when it started because I didn’t pay attention, my husband started asking me questions about my relationship with his mother. I answered him that the relationship is just wonderful, I really like her.
But then I noticed that after these questions, he was in a bad mood, he seemed to withdraw, or something... I got the impression that he either didn’t trust me, or was hiding something... In general, there was some kind of disunity, although in other days, when his mother did not come, we were the happiest couple.
I started asking him what was wrong with him, but he kept moving the conversation somewhere else. But these are the first months, and the further it goes, the worse. I began to clearly notice that he did not trust me. No matter what I said, he began to find fault, asked again several times, in the end all our conversations became like interrogations, where I was a suspect. But I couldn’t understand what they suspected me of!!! And to my questions he answered: “Don’t pretend, you know it yourself.”
It became simply unbearable. Scandals began, without any reason at all, out of nowhere. He constantly accused me of lying over trifles, said that he could not live with a woman who constantly lies to him. But I never lied to him! And there was no reason. What could I lie about? About going to the store, to the salon, to the pool, meeting a friend, cooking dinner? He began to demand a full report of everything, and each time he accused me of lying.
And then one day I lost my keys and came to his work. When I approached his office, I heard him talking to someone on the phone and calling my name. I stopped at the door and began to listen. I didn’t hear what they said to him, I only heard his answers, but it was clear that someone was telling him about me, where I go and what I do. And I also realized that what they were telling him was not what was really happening.
I couldn't stand it and went in. He immediately ended the conversation. I asked who he was talking to, he said that he was with his mother. Of course, I didn’t believe it, I had a wonderful relationship with her, and why would she slander me? But I got very angry, and so I went up to him, took the phone and looked at the number. It was my mother-in-law's number. I was shocked! I couldn’t understand anything at all!
I came home and called my mother-in-law and asked why she was lying to my husband about me. I thought that she would at least explain something, but she said this... “When my son brought you, I thought that he had found a worthy girl, and accepted you as my own daughter. But you turned out to be an adventuress, you fooled my son, sat on his neck, only stealing money from him, and when he, as a decent person, earns money to support you as a queen, you have fun on the side.”
Am I having fun on the side?!!! From surprise, I was even speechless and passed out. I just sat there stupidly until the evening, but I couldn’t come to my senses. And when my husband returned from work, he said that my mother called and said that I gave her a scandal on the phone, insulted her with unnecessary words and simply mocked her. Like I told her that I screwed her son up so much that he fell in love with me and would never leave me, that I was cuckolding him, but he was stupid and didn’t see anything, that he only trusted me and spit on his mother. That I openly laughed at him...
“How could you do this?! Not only are you lying to me, how could you offend my mother like that?! Did you say that I’m a mattress and won’t get away from you? I'll never get around to it. If you don’t know how to behave decently, live alone!” Something like that, it was such a shock that I can't even remember what he said to me.
He took some things and left that evening.
I cried for two weeks. I tried to call him, but he hung up. I came to his work, but he didn’t talk to me, and then the security stopped letting me in. Then the money ran out, and I had to pay rent and eat something. I went to my parents. I had to admit that we had a fight. Although, can this be called a quarrel? My parents helped with money, and then I got a job.
A month later, I saw that in my absence he took all his things. This was a new blow, because before that I was still hoping that he would return... And even now I’m waiting, because I love him, and we are still married...
Now almost six months have passed. I live somehow... But I still can’t come to my senses. How could this happen? Why? Why did my mother-in-law need to separate us in such a vile way? Can not understand…
For what? Is ours still fairly new and roomy?
Marina and I decided that we would eat separately,” the son mumbled, looking down, and, without going into details, hurried to work.
A few hours later a new refrigerator appeared, in which the newlyweds began to store their food. I mentally thanked them for not hanging the lock. Now, I cooked for myself, and my son didn’t even touch the cooking, which he always adored.
If Marina had time to cook, I would still understand the newly-made wife. But she, like Andrei, was constantly at work, very tired and brought store-bought dumplings, pizza and other unhealthy foods for dinner.
One morning I met my pale son in the kitchen.
What happened to you?
Yes, my stomach grabbed something...
Not surprising. A few years ago, Andrei was diagnosed with gastritis and was even assigned a strict diet, which he followed, at the very least, while I cooked for the whole family.
This is all your dry food. Let's eat some broth.
So I started feeding my son on the sly from Marina. Andrey started coming in during his lunch break and within a month he began to look much better.
But then a scandal broke out. Our idyllic process of “feeding” was caught by Marina, who had returned from work earlier.
The intelligent and well-mannered girl narrowed her eyes and asked coldly:
Are you unhappy with the way I cook?
“You cook deliciously,” I hastened to help my son, “only very rarely.” And he has gastritis, he can’t eat dry food.
For several hours, the daughter-in-law methodically finished off Andrei with angry words and an icy tone, and then asked me not to interfere in their life.
We stopped talking.
By the way, the cleaning in the three-room apartment took place according to a very interesting scenario - Marina cleaned only her room, giving me public places. I didn't mind, however. I'm still sitting at home. But, after each cleaning, the girl laid a wet rag near the threshold of their room, and the parquet in this place was already swollen and began to hold together
Andrey explain to Marina that you can’t do this. - I tried to reach my son.
And what is wrong?
It's not so bad that she doesn't talk to me.
“He’s just very tired,” Andrey tried to return the serve.
That same evening, I heard my son trying to persuade his daughter-in-law to change her apartment.
Are you out of your mind? - Marina asked him - a three-ruble note in the historical part of the city. Your mother won't live forever. Now we will suffer, then we will live like people!
Wow! They are already burying me! I decided to remember the experience of living in a communal apartment and supported the cold war declared by my daughter-in-law.
One day Andrei left the room and asked.